Thats right kids…for the first time in 26 years, your boy is not enrolled in any institution of higher learning. While I’ve been holding it down at a modest Boston company for the past 3 months, I cant help but notice that I have had to come up with major adjustments to my way of life, my actions and my feelings towards the gay community.
Here are just a few of the monumental changes I have gone through during my brief, full time day job tenure:
1. The Courtesy Flush �
I share a very small, 2-person bathroom with about 20 people in my office. Sometimes, uncle stinky from the nature company calls and I have to answer. However, I have been informed by ‘society’ that when I am on the hopper and someone is whizzing in the stall next to me, I should send my brown logs to the mill as soon as they come out of the woods.
I object. No, I Strenously object. This is supposed to be ‘me’ time. I was raised that a dump is a sacred 15 minute event. (maybe even 20 if you were drinking the previous night or had Mexican) Everyone knows there is a sacred bond between a king and his throne. If my co-workers have a problem with that, all I got to say, in my Drago voice of course, is, “If it smells, it smells.”
2. People all of a sudden assume I have money to burn
Yes, I know have a full time job. Hooray for me. However, the last time I was at Tommy Doyles, one of the new girls who works the CAC front desk just came up to me and said, “you have money now, buy me a shot.” (By the way, all you ladies out there…NEVER SAY THIS TO ME!!! I will try to bite your head off)
A. I may have a full time job, genius, but I also still work a second job at this gym in Cambridge. Maybe you’ve heard of it. Riddle me this people, who the F works two jobs if they don’t have to? Oh, yes, I forgot. During my last physical, while my doctor was checking for gerbils and cancer, he recommended that my stress level was way too low and I should try to be around as many people yelling at me as possible.
B. HELLO!!! I still live in my parent’s basement. Apparently this is natural for someone who is made of money. Bill Gates and Ted Turner probably didn’t move out till they were 30 either.
3. Dress Clothes
Wearing dress clothes for 10 hours gives me about 13.5 wedgies a day. May have to switch back to my Paris Hilton Leopard Thong Collection. (I cant do commando in the winter…its just too cold and I need every inch I have.)
4. Hallway Etiquette
Usually, when I am within arms distance of a girl, I instinctually try to grind up on her like any normal man would do (hence me getting banned from working any of the womens leagues as part of the class action settlement). This whole smile and nod thing when I see a female co-worker in the hallway is a little weird. So I guess the toughest adjustment has been finding a way to encounter my female cohorts without rubbing my junk on their thigh. Ill just stick to sending out dirty emails until they warm up to me.
5. Gay co-workers
Now this may surprise most of you loyal Corner readers that know I live my life strictly by the Bible, but I officially support men being gay (it obviously goes without saying that I support women and scissoring).
I know, I know, the Bible specifically says man should not lie down with man. However, I am beginning to believe that this book may be a tad outdated. But me supporting the two guys in my office who are openly gay has absolutely nothing to do with it being a “sin.” If history has taught us anything, it is that humans are very self absorbed. I don’t know if most of you gay bashers have noticed, but most of these gay guys are what females, and secure heterosexual men, would consider “good looking.”
Guess what geniuses, the more Derek Zoolander really really good looking men out there, the worse off I am. Therefore, I hope every single better looking man than me goes gay.
The gay community is going about getting support from the heterosexual community all wrong. I have lent my skills to the global gay community by submitting the following slogan that should be on all their banners:
(The picture on the banner would be two gay male models holding hands)
“If they weren’t gay, they’d be banging your girlfriend.”
Think about it…Words to live by. Support Adam and Eve AND Adam and Steve.