Adult Friend Finder

A Junk / JBerr Collabo

As most of you suspect, I spend much of the day browsing the interwebs, and not actually doing ANY work whatsoever for C.A.C. Basketball.  Shocking I know.  But this morning, wouldnít you know it, I got an email from JBerr saying that she had found a few, shall I say “familiar” profiles while looking for a ‘good time’.  Needless to say I had to check it out myself, and surprise, surprise, I came across a few profiles of some famous, and not-yet famous C.A.C. Ballers.  JBerr and I took clippings from the best of the best and removed the names to see if the rest of you could fit the Baller with their corresponding Requirements in a date.  Good Luck!

 

Ballers

  1. The Good King
  2. Sparkles Spaeth
  3. Magic Johnson
  4. Brad Chapman
  5. The Wolverine
  6. Callie
  7. BFrat
  8. TiCal
  9. Attitude Abby
  10. The Pint
  11. Machoooo
  12. JBerr

Requirements

1 – Must be rough, tough and buff
Must also have a soft and tender side that appeals to children
Must enjoy waking up before the sun rises

Must Not be intimidated if I bench more than you

Must be willing to ëmeetí in the hot tub after work
Must be completely committed to watching all of my Sunday night game

 

2 – Must understand that the word “yuck” is intended as a compliment and not an insult
Must appreciate quantum physics and nuclear peptides
Must recognize that I am the best player to ever walk the walls of CAC
Must have patience for the time it takes me to dry, fluff and maintain my coif, and of course appreciate it
Must be willing to play rock band for hours on end into the middle of the night
Must ignore and overlook my ridiculously hot roommate/teammate T-Gun

 

3 – Must laugh at all my one-liners
Must be able to sneak out of basement windows
Must Not like mustaches, goatees, stubble or facial hair of any kind

Must be patient with my .02 second attention span, yea thatís right, I call it my attention span
Must be able to drink me under the table and bang me on top

Must NOT believe in the legitimately proven fact that size, does in fact, matter

 

4 – Must love the ‘shaved head’ look
Must appreciate stats other than points per game
Must love my aggressiveness on and off the court

Must appreciate my 14 hour ëworkí days and repping Rock City
Must be willing to appease by habit of being “all over the place”

Must be willing to deal with my left-handed friends hitting on you

 

5 – Must be HoTT and athletic
Must be 6’0″ + with bulging….muscles
Must Not be able to defend my swooshing, 3 step layups

Must find oversized men’s bball shorts extremely sexy
Must appreciate luscious red locks
Must understand that you will come second to work and balling

 

6 – Must be for a sensitive and caring
Must give me a total body rub-down after games to ease the tension in my bulging…….muscles
Must be charming and witty, with blue eyes and a great smile
Must also enjoy and entertain my sidekicks The Kessel Kopter and JLoh, but of course always agree that I am 10 times more attractive and better at basketball

Must know that I will blow off my friends to hang out with you at a killer holiday party

Must Not laugh at my nickname

 

7 – Must be HoTT
Must be smrt (not a typo!)
Must be 5’6″ or under
Must be able to handle a weekend full of movies – I love them, deal with it!
Must be able to Ball
Must be able to teach Skillz (outside the bedroom, I’ve got all the Skillz YOU need in that area)

 

8 – Must be into “Random Play”
Must Not touch my Chicken Parm
Must be wooed by my flirtatious smiling eyes
Must be amused by crass, uninhibited and slightly offensive remarks

Must enjoy hard cocktails, as such
Must have complete faith that my jordan-esque drives to the hoop will fall 60% of the time, every time

 

9 – Must be unfettered and carefree
Must be deep and intellectual book type
Must enjoy long, long runs or is at least willing to bike along and cheer enthusiastically for me
Must exceed 6’0 and have that dark, scruffy, edgy look
Must be willing to trash talk in the sack

Must be willing to cheer and hold large signs praising my teammates and me

 

10 – Must be a chubby chaser
Must be able to follow complex strategies on the court and in the bedroom

Must be able to keep me stocked with cell phones, as I lose them nearly everytime I black out

Must be able to get me home after said blackout
Must Not be louder than I am, it makes me insecure
Must call me by my God-given title

 

11 – Must love going down South (into the city!)

Must Not think no is an acceptable answer
Must Not Fear the Ferrari

Must enjoy Strip Clubs

Must enjoy the Smooth taste of Heinekien

Must swoon at the Sight of Blue Steel

 

12 – Must have an affinity for Rocky movies
Must be willing to consider Polygamy

Must consider going to Annaís Taqueria on date night

Must love my hair (what’s left)
Must Not make me feel old
Must enjoy quiet evenings with the cat

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