Are You There God? It’s Me, Wolverine

I am not what you’d call a religious Catholic man as evidenced by the fact that almost every girl I have ever seriously dated (umm, ok, maybe I should say both?) has been of the Jewish faith. But with all the perceived chaos going on in the world lately, I thought maybe it was time to see if the great man upstairs had any answers to the many questions run it by you in case I am missing anything. I am trying to see the forest for the trees, but after thinking about it for quite some time now, I still have no idea what that that phrase means. Ditto for “writing it off.”


Heathbar Hunch

Why hasnít anyone diligently questioned the obvious in the unfortunate death of Heath Ledger? Forget about the fact that there were 6 different pills and a rolled up twenty spot by his bed (anyone ever roll up a twenty for any other purpose other than coke?), but he was found buck naked while waiting for a ìmasseuseî to show up. Oh, and by the way, the masseuse was unlicensed  talk about burying the lead! Reminds me of this gem of an exchange a friend of mine had with a Vegas masseuse (unlicensed, I assume) in our room:

Masseuse: ìOk, I am just about finished, but does your friend want a massage now?î

Unidentified male: ìNo, Mattís all setî

Masseuse: ìNo, I mean, does your friend want a massage?î


Totally Tautology

Since when did the phrase ‘It is what it is’ become an acceptable response for just about any situation? Not only is this utterly ridiculous, it seems that once you do say it, you are completely off the hook for just about anything that you do. If Belichick can get away with it, then I am going to start using this when I am reffing at the CAC.

Bermont/Whitney/Kneeland: ìWolverine didnít you see that I just got hammered?î

Wolverine: ìYes I did, but I didnít call it.

Bermont/Whitney/Kneeland: ìWhy the &^% notî

Wolverine: ìI donít know. Hey, it is what it is.î

Bermont/Whitney/Kneeland: ìOh, I see now. Sorry about that.î


Butt CAC, Baby Butt CAC

Speaking of being nude, why do people insist on sitting buck naked in the CAC sauna, tripod style? I mean, címon, youíre sitting for &%$#in sake (sorry, God)! Forget the fact that it is disgusting for everyone else to sit in that spot after you spread eagled it, but you know very well that someone else may have just sat there doing the same thing 10 minutes before. Can we get Jose to enforce a mandatory big towel rule for the sauna (members only, of course)? I also watched a guy bring in his gym bag and change into his karate gear in there once. Again, I ask you, what the &%$#@?


Peeping Tom

Why do we always find out the most important things way too late? Sure it may look like me and Tom Brady have pretty much nothing in common on the surface, except for the fact that we both have questionable ankle injuries, we both have dimpled chins, and we both have intimately layed down next to Gisele almost nude. Thatís right, I lounged right next to her sun bathing at the Bellagio pool circa 2003. If I had known that she liked Boston guys with dimpled chins and future ankle injuries, I definitely would have taken my shot at the big leagues (after I covered up with a CAC hand towel, of course).


Almost Famous

Speaking of celebrity sightings, am I traveling in the wrong circles given my CAC salary? I saw Cameron Diaz at City Bar last weekend and I have to say, there were better looking girls in the bar. But I was much more excited to see Jay Peterman at the Ritz the following night. After pondering which of my favorite Seinfeld phrases to spout off at him (ìElaine, that wasnít Zach, that was the yam-yamî or ìNot on my watch, you vagabond!î or ìElaine, youíve tested positive for opium ñ smack, white palace!î), I decided to let him be. He was with some pretty smoking cougar, but then again, who hasnít been.


ëRoid Rage

Personally I donít care what any athlete uses really, but how come football has gotten pretty much a free pass in this whole steroid/HGH scandal? You telling me the only juice these guys ingest is orange? I think itís insulting that guys like Fernando Vina have to sit there and explain themselves while guys like Ray Lewis get away with murder (umm, right, literally and figuratively). The Rocket, on the other hand, deserves every minute of it. All we had to do was ask Piazza about it after Game 2 of the 2000 World Series.


Silver Lining

In any era of stormy times, you need to try and see the silver lining. And I do have something to thank you for. I just want to thank you that the Vegas hotel fire last week was at the Monte Carlo and not at the Bellagio! If the Bellagio goes down, I am not sure what Iíd do with myself in the summer.