B2 EAST PREVIEW WHOOOOO!

By STAT

Hello everybody. My name is Xavier Holland, and I will be your guide through the wonderful world of B2 basketball this season. I scored B1 last season, so some of your names might be familiar, and for the rest I’ll make up personalities until your real ones reveal themselves. If this preview is in any way inaccurate, I will blame it on the advance scouting reports but if I get the slightest thing right, I will take it as proof of my genius.

What you can expect coverage-wise:

Stats/Writeups
Lines before games
MVP watch
Power rankings
Playoff preview
Random thoughts that occur to me

If there’s anything else that you found entertaining, let me know. I’ll do it, then pretend like it was my idea all along, like the MVP watch, or the 3-point line.

Week 1 Power Rankings!

1. KillaBeez: If this is the same team that won the B1 championship last season, they seem like they’re really gelling. Donnie Whalen would have been an MVP candidate with better attendance, and they all finished on an impressive 7 game winning streak. If they start out how they finished last season, they could do work.

2. Cha Ching: Oulette was a first round pick in A draft, so I assume he’s pretty good? Kuz is a very good distributor and is in the best shape of his life, so look for him to get this team up and moving. If Dan and Dave can be the best Dan and Dave, then this team can take it. I assume they have other players, so maybe they’ll be good? Solid reporting here.

2. The Real Cha Ching: I don’t recognize any of the names on this team, but I assume they’re going to compete with Cha Ching Original. This league feeds on drama like a salamander feeds on fruit flies, and putting these teams together will spur them both to greatness.

Team Wildcat: Another wildcard team. Brendan scored 22.9 points a game and dropped 3.5 assists last season, so he seems to be a capable leader. The rest of the team seems to be 10/5 guys, so I assume it will rely on teamwork and shooting to be competitive week in and week out.

Watch the Thone: I really like that Otis song, despite myself. Therefore, they get extra credit in this power ranking, even though I’m not sure about their makeup. Nate can score on anybody, and Woodley is capable inside, but will the defense be there? All I know is my gut says maybe.

CTC: Well, none of their stats stand out to me in a good way, but none of their stats stand out in a bad way. So I’m going to assume that they’re mediocre and take a juicy-juice fueled nap.

Player’s Ball: Another team whose stats don’t really give me much information. They were only one-man strong on the original spreadsheet, but I see they’ve since added players. That was a smooth move, because a one-man team hasn’t won since the league’s inception, which was RoY, standing by himself, throwing a leather ball into a peach basket. After his first bucket, he couldn’t get it down and thus declared himself league champion.

Bropocolypse: All of their experience seems to be in the 5v5 leagues, which means that there might be an adjustment period. Still though, they all have the talent to compete, so I presume that this is the sort of team that gets off to an uneven start and then comes on late.

Manute Bollas: I was going to put them higher, but then I forgot, so they’re wedged here. If Brad stays healthy, this team will compete. If not, can younger (?) brother (?) John be the go-to guy? He had a breakout season last session, so lets see if he’s ready to make the leap.

NB: So the only person on the list for this team is Khamal Edison. And there are no stats about him, but I hear that he’s Derrick Rose’s favorite player and was going to signed by the Heat before he remember that he really hates bikinis.

Week 1 lines:

Player’s Ball (-9) vs. Team Wildcat
CTC (+3) vs. Manute Bollas
Bropocolypse (+5) vs. KillaBeez
NB (+11) vs. Cha Ching
The Real Cha Ching (EVEN) vs. Watch the Throne

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