If you’re like me and have a bunch of brackets to fill out this week (you’ve got your work pool, family pool, college/high school friends pool and of course KAP’S) and you’ve watched all the espn you can handle. It’s time to buckle down and fill out your bracket. Here is some much needed, unsolicited advice that I have for you. The best and worst ways to fill out your bracket!
5 – The Mascot Method – Everyone knows someone who has a female friend/female relative/female coworker etc that won a pool by picking the cutest/toughest/snuggliest mascot in each matchup and going from there. It helps that most of the good teams are Cats. Whatever, don’t do this
4 – Relying on Tournament Champs – Look, I know Oregon had an up and down season and Ole Miss just made a great run through the SEC, but please, for the love of chirst don’t take too much stock in last weekend. They’re 12 seeds for a reason. I know everyone is looking for those 12/5, 11/6, 13/4 upsets to pull out of a hat and they seem like logical candidates, but please refrain. They just blew their ‘best games’ wad all over the court and they’re not going to be able to recover in time to make another run. Miami is the exception as they’ve had a great season and I’ve got them in my Final Four. Man I’m an idiot…
3 -Copying Celebrities – if anything, celebrities are bigger idiots than you and I, so who cares who they pick? Obviously the Commander in Chief is a smart dude, but don’t copy him, Indiana has no chance at winnign this thing.
2 – Bracket Randomizer – Look, like most things in life, the anticipation of an event is the best part. This is true in the build up to the Draft leagues, professional drafts and the NCAA tournament. Don’t use my buddies randomizer (http://billmill.org/ncaa-bracket-randomizer/) or any others. Take the time to fill out the brackets yourself. That way when it’s all gone to shit by Saturday morning you have no one to blame but yourself.
1 – Chalk – That’s so fucking boring, who are you, Peter King?
5 Chalk – Look, I know you like picking crazy upsets, but if you want to win your pool, your best bet is to go chalk until the sweet 16. You want your final 8 teams in it as long as possible. It’s boring, but unless your pool awards extra points for big upsets (some pools reward points for the difference in seeds – that’s insane)
4 Ask for help – I’m not talking about looking up the breakdown of which team is a more efficient offense or who took and made more 3s, I’m talking about asking your significant other, particularly if they have almost less basketball knowledge than you. A simple ‘hey hon, who do you like, Notre Dame or Iowa State?” will do. No extra background information is necessary. They won’t over think it and will probably be right. If you’re going to flip a coin anyway, might as well make it as random as possible. Note – this is NOT the same as Worst #5 as long as you keep this isolated.
3 – Pray – the Big Man (or Woman) upstairs surely cares about you winning your big pool. I mean, S/He knows you want to invest in a new tempur-pedic mattress so your wife stays on her side and you can get some sleep, so winning this pool would really make that happen. I mean, hypothetically of course. Who knows, you might hear an omnipotent voice rattling around in your skull telling you to pick VCU, Michigan State, Syracuse and Gonzaga in your Final Four. If you do hear that voice, put the bong down and step away from the bag of shrooms.
2 – Just Guess – Honestly, you don’t know as much as you say you do about New Mexico State or Iowa State or even Saint Marys. Just stfu and guess, no one wants to hear why you picked that 10/7 upset.
1 – Play Your Emotions – UNC your jam? pick them in that 1/8 upset over Kansas, it’s ok, it’s not like they’ve been able to beat the Jayhawks in the tournament since I’ve met my wife. I’m not bitter or anything. THIS IS THE YEAR THEY”RE GOING TO FUCKING DO IT! On the flipside, pick Duke to lose to another 15 seed and make sure to text your DOOKIE BRAHS as they’re managing to accomplish history for the second straight year. Makes it totally worth your bracket going to shit if it happens.
Look you’re not going to win your pool, especially the one that pays out $2k to the winner. A big ol’ premature FUCK YOU KAP!
Whatever your method is, don’t go spewing it all over the internet so people can refernce it a week later and make fun of you for being an idiot.