Birthdays With Sergery

As we all lament on the now legendary 30th birthday bash for the one and only Sergeon General, I thought what better way to capture the night for those of you who could not attend (or for those who cannot remember) than a blog. Here is my chronology of how the night went from my perspective. Of course, the Wolverine Cam may have been blurred by the seemingly endless Sapphire and tonics, but hey, who’s cam wasn’t a little blurred last night?


8:00 PM ñ I receive a voicemail from the Sergeon himself asking me about my whereabouts. He sounded like he was calling from his bedroom and he also sounded as he usually does from there – lonely, sober, and downright solemn. I figured I’d better get showered and dressed quick b/c it sounded like nobody was coming to his party. Man was I way off!


9:01 PM ñ I arrive at the Warren Tavern only to find out I missed not paying the cover charge by 1 minute. I don’t care about the $5 (ok, I do), but cmon, 1 minute? My Saugus charm didn’t really work on the burly Charlestown doorman, despite the fact I told him that I have my very own blog.


9:06 ñ I see the Sergeon and he almost immediately starts yelling at me because I haven’t talked to any girls yet. Mind you I have been there for exactly 5 minutes – I didn’t even get in a happy birthday.


9:10 ñ Serge continues to yell at me and point out all the girls I should be talking to at the Tavern. At one point, he gets so close to my face that I thought we were about to have a make-out session. Luckily, Jared wasn’t filming this one.


9:15 ñ I finally escape the Sergeons wrath and get into a conversation with The Young Republican John Edwards about how he is facing some lawsuit and how he doesn’t have a job and is living off his savings in Dorchester. Then he offers to buy me a drink and I of course accept, disregarding the fact that he just told me he was a banana peel away from being homeless. I am still completely fine with this.


9:20 ñ After asking about the nuances of his new Greatest American Hero nickname, Tim Brady tells me that the Wolverine is the most widely recognized and most valuable brand at CAC. My Q rating must be through the roof and I wonder where’d I fall on the ESPN Who’s Now ranking! Expect Wolverine Gear to be available on the website shortly including customized Puma sneakers and multi colored Nike dry-fit shirts (available in youth medium only, just like the Wolverine wears them).


9:28 ñ Speaking of heros, I see the Local Hero Ed Finn as he strolls in with his “I Love Hot Dogs” t-shirt. Amazingly, I don’t even blink because, after all these years of talking to Finn, that looked just about right for him.


9:35 ñ BRip finally comes out of his Godfather Corner to mingle amongst us commoners with the Megster. I was just about to go over there and kiss his ring too.


9:47 ñ After telling Erin and Faye of the Ladies First squad that they’d wreak havoc in the women’s league and to go over and talk some smack to the defending champs “Hot Pockets”, I realize I just tried to provoke a catfight. And again, I am totally fine with this.


10:07 ñ After talking to me for maybe 40 seconds, one of the Hot Pockets says that I am all “beer muscle.” Upon conferring with the much younger and slightly more hip Tibbs, we conclude that this was not meant as a compliment. For some reason, I decide to show her a picture of my cat to somehow diffuse the situation. See, I am always thinking.


10:15 ñ Speaking of Tibbs, I ask him if he wants a drink as I am running low. He responds with his customary “absolutely” as he apparently watched one too many Rocky movies. As I handed it to him, I received no thank you, no gratuitous head nod, not even and acknowledgement that there is a person attached to that beer that was just handed to him. I guess it’s just expected now that people must buy him alcohol. I am so glad I threw that jug of cranberry juice at him after Mon’s bachelor party.


10:57 ñ Now Macho starts yelling at me for a few minutes. But unlike Serge, I have no idea what he is yelling at me for as he seemingly has no point to his diatribe. I repeat the customary “Why are you yelling at me right now” (al la Vince Vaughn in Wedding Crashers when the kid is yelling at him to make him a race car balloon), but to no avail. Just like every 4th Saturday morning at pick-up, there was no stopping Macho on this night.


11:02 – The Surgeon confides in me that he in fact called me earlier from a bathroom stall at Flat Top Johnnies. I was mildly touched by this, despite the fact that Flat Top Johniees sounded alot more like ShhhflatTopssJjjonees.


11:23 ñ The CAC crowd at the Tavern is informed that the Surgeon has left the building. Well, thrown out of the building actually if you want to get technical. This fact is then confirmed by an unknown male patron who tells me that he just saw some guy puking in the bathroom.


11:36 ñ I see JMazz for the 1st time in the night and don’t know why he showed up so late. He does have on a very nice Kutcher hat though and he and Billy Donovan bantered all night long.


11:55 ñ The Surgeon magically re-appears out of nowhere back into the Tavern crowd looking fresher than ever ñ poised for one of the greatest comebacks since the Stanford band game.


12:00 ñ I tell Finn that me asking himself and Mazz to play with me in the 3 on 3 a few years back was their breakout at CAC. That 3 on 3 was like when Ricky Martin emerged onto the entertainment seen after his live performance at the í98 Grammy’s. Finn politely laughed, but I could tell he didn’t really understand what I meant. Thanks Ed, I guess we are even for all those times you complained about some call I made and I responded with my customary “Ok, I’ll watch for it” even though I had no idea what you were talking about.


12:08 ñ I use the line “I canít wait for my 30th birthday party” for the 27th time of the night. And for the 27th time, I get no real reaction from whomever I was talking to.


12:15 ñ O’Cal continues to refer to any two people we are standing with as “the Four Horseman.” I was not exactly sure where he was going with this catch phrase, but everything O’Cal says is usually funny and I figure if I am laughing with him and look like I am having a good time, then I look cooler. So I go with it.


1:00 ñ The Tavern lights come on and I say to myself “great, thank god, this is it, I can go home.” But just then, Charlestown’s own Derek Gallagher asks us to go to Sully’s Tap with him for some more drinks. And when a Gallagher tells you to do something in Charlestown, you do it.


1:10 ñ After finally realizing we aren’t heading to the Sully’s tap by the Fleet Center and figuring out how we are going to get there, OD unlocks the door to Sully’s right next door and lets us all in. Again, this seems very strange now, but at the time, seemed completely normal.


1:17 ñ I see Walsh with a fat lip and as I run shuffle through my memory bank, I realize that he didn’t have that fat lip about 10 minutes ago at the Tavern. He tells me he got hit in the mouth by a girl, in between telling me how much more he can drink than me. How old am I again?


1:47 ñ Mixtape engages me in an expletive laced argument over who is the better rebounder. I mistakenly engage him and upon realizing I cannot convince him (even though I am a better rebounder than you Turin), I decide it is definitely time to head home.


2:25 ñ Upon leaving Sully’s, I find a solo JaySar just standing outside the bar. When I asked him what he was doing there, he responded with “Well, I don’t really know.”


I think that just about summed the night up for me. Good times and Happy Birthday to the Sergeon. Where he ended up at the end of the night I will leave for him to disclose as he wishes.