Blame Ashton, Not Ainge

As I await “Everyone’s Favorite Point Guard” Matty Os return from his trip around the world to complete the next installment of the Wolverine Trap, I feel blog inspired this morning after the Celts trading the opportunity to pick a young star with “unbelievable upside potential” for a proven veteran performer. After initially berating Ainge with the intensity of a Kellen Winslow Jr. interview, I have now had time to reflect and actually don’t blame Ainge at all for making the trade, but for reasons very different than Sweeney and Cheese. All Ainge really did was fall into the somewhat recent societal trend of trading upcoming young talent in exchange for more proven older performers. And who do we have to thank for that trend? Ashton Kutcher, of course. Seriously, what guy hasn’t thought of taking a quick ride through Cougar County? Ashton made it all ok.

In light of this theory, let’s take a peak at some other notable internet rumors that I have come across that give credence to this recent societal trend of passing on risky, young talent and instead taking a proven performer, regardless of how broken down they currently seem to be:


ß         Tom Cruise is seriously considering a divorce with Katie Holmes so he can get back together with Mimi Rogers.

ß         D. Wayne Lucas has sold the rights to Alysheba’s latest foal in exchange for the remains of Barbaro, the Nation’s Horse.

ß         Congress will impeach George W. Bush and appoint George H.W. Bush as our new Commander in Chief. New best buddy Bill Clinton will serve as Vice President and Monica Lewinsky has re-submitted her application for White House intern.

ß         NBC has announced they will be replacing 30 Rock with Seinfeld re-runs in the 9PM Thursday night time slot. Actually, this isn’t a bad idea because 4 Seinfeld’s a day just doesn’t seem enough for me. I know it’s not enough for Kneeland.

ß         The Titans are sending QB Vince Young to the Packers for QB Brett Favre, who will then take a few more months off to decide whether he will retire or not. His decision is due by Christmas and will be announced in conjunction with mine.

ß         Sprint’s new customer program offers a brand new rotary phone in exchange for any newly purchased iPhone. The good news is that your minutes don’t start until you actually finish dialing the number.

ß         The Commish is changing the name of the gym back to the Cambridge Racquet & Fitness Club. New old jerseys will not be redistributed.

ß         CBS has announced it will be replacing March Madness announcers Kevin Harlon and Gus Johnson with the team of Dick Stockton and Tommy Heinsohn. TNT also announced that Tommy will do some NBA playoff games, noting that after the Celts trade last night, there is virtually no chance of him being conflicted during any playoff broadcast. Or sober, but that has nothing to do with the trade.

ß         Billy Donovan has again resigned as Florida head coach and has signed a national letter of intent to play for the Providence Friars. While he expects to be the starting guard next season and mesh well with the younger players, he would like to see the team also sign journeyman Delray Brooks.

ß         ABC has announced that Dancing with the Stars will be replacing the new, relevant dancing celebrities with old, washed up dancing celebrities whose time has clearly passed them by. Oh, wait, they already do that.

ß         In light of their recent weight loss, ABC has also announced the resigning of Mary Kate and Ashley for another season of Full House. They feel the twins still could pull off being 10 years old.

ß         Age of Love and tennis star Mark Phillipoussis tells NBC he doesn’t feel like choosing and wants to date all the girls for as long as he can. All the girls quickly oblige and HBO announces that a new reality series “Big Serve” is currently in production.