CAC Goes Wild – WWE Style – Part I

Originally Posted
2009-10-12

Well, well, well.  It’s been sometime for sure.  Before I get removed for the second time in two years off the blog page (like the man that rhymes with URGE) I figured I had to deliver something.  I’m hoping to be more frequent with topical information especially as the Celtics season kicks into gear – I am a sports writer supposedly, right?

 

But here I take a quite a few liberties and take shots at loads of CAC personalities and try to marry them to the their perfect mirror image from the world of wrestling.  Some were easy, some were tough, some make absolutely no sense at all.  But I only picked on those who I know can take a joke as not one iota of this is really true.  This is more then tongue and cheek and is all just having a little fun with the persona I created as well within the walls of the CAC.  In short – nothing said here should be taken seriously.  In absolutely no particular order – here is the first 20 of roughly 35 names I came up with to make fun of.  If you are not here – don’t worry – as Bill Goldberg used to say: “YOUR NEXT”:

  1. Shane OD -Lex Lugar:

PROS – Loves his body, loves his ladies, and loves his booze.Big time major player in every faction – good guys or heel. Everyone envies him – everyone loves to hate him and he relishes the envy.As his career wanes – the self-proclaimed “Total Package” – can’t seem to get into the winners circle. Looks poor with his on the floor performance.Maybe have been billed as the next best thing but has he lived up to the hype?

 

  1. Royce Henry – Dwayne Johnson:

Has the charisma on the message boards to produce a reality show.Can bring it AND sing it on and off the court.Guys want to align with him cause he has proven he can put together a winner.But his talk may be all that when it comes to finishing games.Seems interested in the A League but not the B League.Seems interested in playing with the best – but won-t touch 4v4 even in B1. Seems to only ‘show’ for the glitz and glamour – i.e. the Rock running to Hollywood.Where is the complete package?

 

  1. Mike Diranian – MikeD – Ted DiBiase:

WOW -could this have been any easier? As I type this I have Dibiases entrance song ringing through my head.The devious laugh, MONEY, MONEY MONEY – everybody’s got a price, everybody’s gonna pay, because MikeD ALWAYS gets his way

     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vm4TG56KGZ4

If anyone of CAC lore deserved an entrance song  its this guy. I.R.S. Irwin R Shyster (real name Mike Rotundo) was a close second for this one. Mike D gets his way, price, man whatever he wants. But the Million Dollar Man never won the big enchilada.Sure – he paid his way to victories (B2) but has never taken the best of the best title.Nothing in A1, A2, or B1.But the real question is – who is his Virgil?Virgil is the paid assistant-hitman that did all the dirty work for MikeD.Apply at Bank of America in Saugus.

 

  1. Marc Frail – Marcus Buff Bagwell:

Another easy one but I was torn between Val Venis and Buff Bagwell. Val’s career was a complete jobber.I can’t say that about Frail 0 underrated on the court – so I had to find someone who is more interested in the body (Venis) then the career. Aligns himself with the best (NWO 0 Hogan, Nash, Hall; Greenberg, Mytro, Clarkson) but would rather look good in on the treadmill then the octagon (Wall Ball). Bagwell was infamous for his in-ring entrance and the friends he made along the way.  Style over substance to the nth degree.

 

 

  1. Dan O’Connell 0 Kevin Nash:

The long hair, the wide-body, the bigger then life persona?Nash once laid down for Hogan and gave him championship for the evil-sided NWO Hollywood Hogan.It seems Dan O would do the same for Mike D (until this season with a fallout of Saugonian proportions).Nash was always second-fiddle whether it was as Shawn Michaels enforcer or combining with Hollywood Hogan and Hall to create the best faction ever in wrestling.Is Dan O just a second banana?Or the championship bull he can be?0-5 start in B2 with an admitted MMA fighter?Seriously not a good start as a singles wrestler.  POST SCRIPT – gotta give the good and bad – and someone who will remain nameless pointed out that Nash’s nickname is “Big Sexy”.  Yeah – keep dreaming…remember Dan, you laid down for Hogan – even though MikeD is the Million Dollar Man – he’s Hogan in this clip:

 

  1. Matt Kaplan – 123 Kid – Xpac:

Our first CAC-er with two characters, yet the same person.Sean Waltman had dozen of nicknames/personas within the wrestling circles and it looks like Kaplan is on his way as well.  Best even yet?  Kaplan’s email addy includes the numbers 123.  It’s like he’s setting himself up for the pin.

Type of character that is portrayed as the underdog but will slice your heart out if you give him a chance.Seems to have a tough time with the big boys and needs help to achieve championship gold  i.e. outside interference.Proved it last season with Heff and is trying it again with Pat Lawson.Has to try and align himself with anyone in search of a title even throwing friends off the team to get there.Questionable morals.

 

  1. Jason Tibbetts – Roddy Piper:

You would think the Rowdy One would be reserved for someone a little more ‘rowdy’ but the implications here is Piper was the biggest mouth in the business. In fact  he was so loud  you would never know that he never held the WWE heavyweight championship.He was too good of a yapper to have to hold the gold.The gold was reserved for Hogan, Savage, and the Ultimate Warrior during Piper’s hey day.Piper was the most hated villains in wrestling and still hangs around poking fun at people.Tibbs has a love to hate relationship with 90% of the building which makes him the perfect villain.He owns the top blog whereas Piper’s Pit was the place to be on the WWE scene other then the ring and the fact he has one title since the Reagan administration should tell you all you need to know.

 

  1. Josh Smith – Jeff Jarrett

The guitar swinging country singer is also one of the more hated characters in the business.The parallels are that Jarrett – like Smith – was a great wrestler in a big man’s world.Problem is Jarrett left the WWE to form TNA Wrestling and become his own general manager, booker, agent, etc and would set up the rules to favor his own career.Jarrett still wrestles but not often enough for everyone to see how good he truly is.You would think Smith would be Vince McMahon.But there can only be one.

 

  1. Jillian Berry – Sensational Sherri

Ahh the first woman to make the list.The Sensational One was everything and anything in the wrestling scene.Blogger  I mean valet, manager, champion  you name it Sherri did it.Associated with everyone in the business from Shawn Michaels, Marty Jannetty, Playboy Buddy Rose, and even Vince McMahon (read on).Sherri was mostly cheered throughout her career but was much, much better as a villain (in front of the typewriter). Sexy, senual, sensational and downright evil whenever she wants to be.

 

  1. Pat Lawson – Superfly Snuka

Snuka was a man of few words but was the first to jump off a steel cage from the top to the mat on the Magnificent Don Muraco.It was unprecedented while today it is almost clich with the Hardy Boys, Undertaker, etc to jump from 30 feet in the air on to a trampoline mat.Lawson would run through walls or punch windows to get a win but just wont tell you much as he is a man of few words.Snuka is infamous for getting a coconut split open over his head by Rowdy Roddy Piper.The incident at the time was considered vile and people thought it was real.I want Piper (Tibbs) to re-enact this with the CAC-s Snuka:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZbZseTuQ1I&feature=related

 

  1. Wolverine – Vince McMahon:

The man who stirs the pot is reserved for the original brick that started it all.He has titles, has been a ref, and has been running the whole damn show since the start.Even better?Filosa enjoys the envy of others and would be more then happy making Tibbs miserable then winning his 12th banner.McMahon is all about making people miserable and – when he wants with one or two strokes of his blog – he can kill anyone with a few short words.

 

  1. Ken Cleary – Bret Hart:

He has the hair, the bigger-then-life persona, so all Captain America needs is Cleary Club jerseys in pink and black and a pair of plastic wrap around glasses.He won the big enchilada two seasons ago with Mazz and the Lighthouse.The best there was, the best there is, the best there ever will be.Ken Cleary brings glitz and glamour like no other. Dude was rocking a porn mustache last time I saw him for pete’s sake.What’s next?

 

  1. Daniel Watson – King Kong Bundy:

one of the original big men that was more of an athlete then given credit for.But the real credit is Bundy was always a villain and was known more for crying to the ref for a call and flopping around like he was getting killed where he was just lulling the ref and his opponent to sleep.Watson has taken the title from me as the biggest flopper the CAC has to offer.That was not an easy task. Kudos – I might have to change the title of the blog now.

 

  1. Gripp – Stephanie McMahon:

Little does anyone know Stephanie is the one who runs everything behind the scenes.Stephanie married the main drawing card at the WWE (Triple H) when dating in the WWE circle was banned.She wins every match, gets her man, and doesn’t take no for an answer.The no-nonsense Gripp doesn’t have to tell anyone anything – we already know who wears the pants in the McMahon (Tibbs) family.

 

  1. Tim Spinney – Scott Hall:

Mr. Machismo.All Spinney needs is the toothpick to flick at DMac the next time he makes a call not in Spinney’s favor.Can’t ever say DMac would make a bad call, right?Hall is rumored to have outside problems but the only issues Spins has are who is bringing him his next beer and title the next 10 seasons.Here’s to Spins and hopefully he is here to stay.Loves to be hated and wouldn’t want it any other way – and surely will not apologize – especially to X-Pac (Kaplan).

 

  1. Tom Kahana – Chris Jericho

The little engine that could.Jericho is the first and only wrestler to hold both the WCW and WWE title simultaneously.Kahana would play in the C League if it guaranteed him the best stats, the MVP, the assist title, and well, maybe a championship.Kahana yells ‘assist’ more then everyone combined in any season.ROY is the nickname for rookie of the year cause he campaigned hard to get it as it was one of the only awards Tibbs had yet to bestow on him.He sold himself to the devil (Genzyme) and also screwed the Gang Green by jumping on O’Cal’s ship this season.Anything for better stats, right TK?Biggest flip-flopper from good guy to villain – sometimes mid-season.A champ, yes.Loveable?Remains to be seen and usually only loved by the other three on the court with him and even that’s a stretch at times.

 

  1. Bill Durbrow – Big John Studd:

Toughest one to come up with and I give credit to Buff Bagwell for this one.The quiet, unassuming big man was the toughest brick to move.No one beat this guy early in his career until he met Andre the Giant.We don’t have an Andre The Giant yet – no one is that good- so Big John is the CAC of the CAC.The last name helps too as Billy is the Studd that works and owns the CAC.’Playboy’ is his nickname but Playboy Buddy Rose was a fat slob that walked around like he owned the place.Studd was quiet about his business but did rock the wrestling robe second only to Ric Flair.7-footer that squashed anyone in his way but was not much on the mic.Couldn’t explain Billy any better.

 

  1. Dan Linehan – A.J. Styles:

Until recently – and I mean like two weeks ago – Styles was always regulated to the X-Division or smaller titles.Styles is currently the TNA heavyweight champion and if he even got out from under Kaplans loud mouth style – people would see how good Linehan really is.Quietest 20 PPG scorer in the history of the CAC.Not sure if he even owns a message board avatar.Unheard of for a player as good as Linehan.The man only O’Cal knows as “Little TiCal” yet if he walked by anyone in the gym – no one would know his name.Can hang with anyone and Kaplan needs to let him loose.I have a Genzyme contract just waiting for his signature.

 

  1. Laura Jasinski – Alundra Blayze/Madusa:

Madusa sounds like the snake-haired greek goddess but that is spelled Medusa.Medusa was an evil myth that turned people into stone and while LJs game does turn the best of the best to stone and there is no argument she makes Henderson even look good -the Madusa I”m referring to was the first women’s champ that could actually wrestle.Her gimmick was Made In USA – hence Madusa. LJ has brought fun and gun to the women’s league with Sensational Sherri and Erin Johnson.Perfect compliment.

 

  1. Brian Fabry – Classie Freddie Blassie:

name given to me by Jon Mazzone and I gladly accept it from a pencil-necked geek like Mazzone.That was the put-down Blassie made famous.Everyone who was a wrestling fan in the 80s knows Blassie for the cane and managing quite a few champions before the Bobby The Brian Heenans and Captain Lou Albanos.But little do people know Blassie was a great wrestler back in the 50s and 60s.That’s where this fits so well with me – not that I was ever any good – just that my game left me like 30 years ago and I’m limited to managing and riding the coat tails of winners.And I’m perfectly fine with that along with being Tibbs/Piper’s foil and occassionally using my cane to whack the back of the legs of the next unsuspecting flown that comes into the paint.