In light of today’s economy it’s never too safe to be perusing the Want Ads, brushing up your resume, and proving to your current colleagues that you’re not a lazy dbag and that despite the glaring evidence in your web browsing history you really don’t spend your entire day g-chatting, message board posting, blog reading, status updating and generally dicking around on the internet.
It was my desire to pursue a job that would potentially get me off welfare (thanks for your tax dollars america!), that has brought to my attention how CAC has truly “edjumacated” me, making me a highly valuable and uniquely employable individual for any business or corporation. I can honestly say it is the selling point of my resume.
Take for example the following skill sets I have cultivated thanks to my professional CAC experiences.
I have been exposed to a diverse spectrum of people at CAC and can confidently say that I am equipped to successfully interact all of the following
Basketball playing serial killers
Waterbed loving Squash players
Blind, Mute, Deaf and ìFollicleyî challenged referees
I should have stayed retired athletes
I never was athletes
The poster-child for anti-aging whoís looked the exact same (head to toe) since the age of 12.
The Best rebounder in the history of basketball (MixTape)
People who grew up where you could get breakfast, lunch, dinner and a lap-dance all within the same square mile (ie: Saugonians)
Gingers of a wide variety
The Lovechild of Scalabrini and The Little Mermaid
Strategic Analysis and Initiative
Like all the best Hollywood has to offer, Iíve learned who to ìspend time withî to get to the top. I represent a true Oprah Winfrey, rags to riches story, minus the whole ìcolor of purpleî scandal. I came into these leagues as a player, figured out who the ìrightî people were, found a way to get into their circles, planted my seed (or they theirs) and BAM! Look at me now. Iíve got a lucrative position keeping all of your stats, writing stories of all your glory and I feature my own blog. Sure, I have a reputation for being ìref friendlyî but just look at what itís done for my player rater!
Besides, anyone who claims to be ìaboveî this type of behavior is clearly just stating a preference to be in on top in a more literal sense of the word. If you ask me, Grippís taken this practice to an entirely new level that I can only hope to aspire to.
Efficiency and Time Management
Every employer wants employees who can do the most in the least amount of time without compromising quality. Many of you may not know, but I donít exactly live in the area and am still residing in my parentís guest mansion in the backwoods of Massachusetts. I park my car at Alewife for 7$ dollars a day (because apparently being a dedicated employee of CAC does not entitle you to parking in the surplus of 2 hours) and therefore must book it out there via T after work and race back, fighting traffic to make it back in time to score all your games.
Being one of those people who canít wait to get out of her ìbusinessî attire, changing is a must. As a result, I have mastered the art of getting naked behind the wheel in order to always be on time for games. It’s a refined skill that I take great pride in. It’s often that I’m sitting there pantless wondering what I could possibly say to a cop if I happened to be pulled over while nekkid, the last thing I want is a DWN on my record. I’ve received plenty of inquisitive and lingering looks, flashed a number of drivers and may or may not have been responsible for the 7 car pile-up along the Charles. There’s something empowering about driving topless and there’s something to be said for someone who can strip AND operate a vehicle at the same time and I can proudly boast to be one of those people.
Discretion in Covert Operations
The worse part of any (capable) scorekeepers job is collecting league fees. The CAC Think Tank doesnít run on good will and charity, no sir! Collections, fiiine. I got that covered. For some reason it comes natural for you guys to hand me your Washingtons. This might even be a good time to request that in the future, I ask that you please make sure they are not crumpled, rolled or wadded up. The Commish prefers them crisp. And please stop trying to put them down my shirt. In any event, the collections seem easy when compared to the delivery. Again, I advertise myself on a rare skill I have developed through CAC which involves transporting large amounts of cash in excess of a G, navigating through the sketchy back-alleys of CTown after 10PM, avoiding, of course, the hot beds of gang turf, and passing the money off to the Commish as he pokes his head out of his apartment. It takes a keen eye, and an innate ability to ëread the scene,í if you will. Sure, Iíve had a few close calls with the 5-0, but I know how to shake ëem off my tail in order to preserve the sanctity of CAC, and keep Josh out of trouble with the IRS.
A business canít move forward without innovative thinking. I credit myself for bringing an abundance of new things and ideas to the CACosphere since my arrival on the scene, a female voice being the most basic. I know there are only a few of us oral females on the boards, but hopefully the numbers are growing and my loquacious and procrastinating nature at work helps to draw out more and more of us, even if some view it as an invasion.
More importantly however, I have changed the way of operations, for better or worse, again with my predilection for procrastination. The infamous, Wolverine coined, ìJBerr Deadlineî has been helping employees be ìon timeî for months now. Why stress over what you should be doing now, instead, put it off til tomorrow! Punctuality is out, tardiness is in! If I wasnít here to set the standards, players would be getting their write-ups completed hours after their games. Tical, for example, is never up with the times, and as a man of tradition still maintains the old deadlines, so if youíre still inline with the old school of thought I recommend you play on Sunday or Thursday nights.
Finally, Iíve just recently introduced the ìsingingî write-up into the mix (not to be confused with ìIn the Mixî©). I have yet to receive any feedback, but if they are well-received Iíve toyed with the idea of taking song requests after games from the winning team. Something I urge you to think about. Less work for me, more work for Billy Joel, Michael Jackson, NíSync and Bel Biv DevoeÖ
CAC for Hire
So there you have it. Just when you think youíre working a minimal/trivial job, are feeling overworked, underpaid and underappreciated take a step back and reassess your skill-set. You could very well have a lot more to offer than meets the naked, untrained eye.
Furthermore, if you desire to nurture similar techniques of the trade, we’re always hiring. Qualifications include ability to overlook deadlines, enjoying being more educated that your superiors, willingness to co-habitate, recreate and/or fornicate with your colleagues and to exude and over-all sense of underachievement.
Minimal education requirements: GED