So it’s that time of the post-season…the time in which I salute my Co-Ed troops with a plethora of honorary back-handed compliments via The JZuk Post-Season Co-Ed S’10 Awards.
BFab has been sending me threats via GChat warning me to get these awards posted and to make sure they are on par with his specifications and preferences…
Well, I’m sorry to say BFab, but there is just no way to put extra mayo’ on a Word Doc. Trust me, I have exhausted all of my resources to the point in which the Microsoft paper clip animation guy will not even talk to me anymore…despite no condiments on the screen, I really hope you find my words to be just as tasty.
As a preface, all awards will be shared between a male and female – this is Co-Ed, duh.
Reddick AKA “Pretty Face” (Game…Blouses) – the task of choosing an MVP is no easy matter to a CAC scorer. As douchey and, at times, moronic as Reddick is (namely off the court), I really could not find justification in snipping him of the Co-Ed S’10 MVP award for the males. Yes, had it not been for a basketball court setting, this Dukie-Lover may be serving life in prison for battery and assault charges for his treatment of all of the beloved ladies of Co-Ed…but his stat line does not lie and his team, Game…Blouses did make it all the way to the championship game.
In addition to his top-notch game play, Pretty Face remained an active participant on the boards all season long and redeemed some of his lower quality posts at the beginning of the season with the coveted “Air Cheese 1’s” Photoshop picture in which he informed BFab and all that his squad was busting out the Cheeseburger shoes…this was to aid BFabin eagle-eyeing those “hard to see” plays…you know, particularly those of non-Genzyme participants.
Here is Pretty Face’s stat line:
3rd overall PR, 1st overall 3PM (28, 46%), 2nd overall ppg (19.5)
AB (Genzyme) – he has the markings of an MVP, but only played in 6 regular season games.
Mr. Baaaaaaaston (WOMS) – one of the best all-around players in the league this season, also the most entertaining.
Pat B. (DLW) – he put his Llama White squad on the map this season
Erin AKA “The Real Magic” (Weapons of Mass Seduction) – Everyone knows that EJ takes ball just about as seriously asCelli takes his efforts in maximizing the longevity of his hamstrings.
I remember having the privilege of watching EJ play at the CAC in the women’s league in the W’10 season…Mr. Baaaaaaaston was in the house as well and we both stared in awe, impressed with the flashes of basketball brilliance beaming from this red head. Mr. Baaaaaston turned to me at one point and exclaimed “She’s on my mothaaaaa f*cking team in Co-Ed, Son!!!”
EJ was the quiet killer as she was both an effective scorer for her team and was the best point guard in all of Co-Ed (not sure if that’s an accolade…)
Stat line: 9.8/3.4/0.3/ 6.3/1.2/0.1
EJ led all of Co-Ed in assists with 6.3 dimes per game…Harvey and the rest of WOMS thank you very much!
Heather (WOMS) – not sure where she was during the first half of the reg. season, but everyone’s favorite debutante of the North East came to play late in the season. We all remember her 28 pt. performance.
KB (Thank you Jagermeister) – Just because the team formerly known as The Hands Team actually got worse between W’10 and the S’10 does not mean all of their members followed suit. KB had some strong games down the stretch and helped her Jager buddies keep a teensy-weensy bit of dignity.
The Odor Blocker (WOMS) – The Odor Blocker made his presence known from day 1. I can remember it as if it were yesterday…I was all settled in to my comfy plastic and degraded chair at Kings…I see Mr. Baaaaaston strolling in and then all of a sudden I see this UFC contender-looking guy following him on to the court…because I valued my life I always made sure to get his stat lines up and seasoned to perfection.
Steve played hard in every game and proved to be one of the best defenders in all of Co-Ed, especially in the play-offs.
The Odor Blocker embraced his nick name and has been an active presence on the boards and on my facebook wall in harassing me to post stats and write ups.
Most Improved (M):
Celli AKA “Uncle Hammy” and “Fly Swatttaaaaaaa” (GB) – Celli has developed and grown as a man over his 12 week Co-Ed Season. While he started his season off playing ball with the basketball skills of a UPS parcel pickup (which he resembled with all of his “magical” tape), he soon took on a strong roll on his team in their times of need.
He always yelled out to me that he was a shut down defensive player on his Church Team (yeah…well Celli, I was an all star on my Jewish Community Center Basketball team and I’m still waiting for that call from my agent)…and he proved it over the span of several games.
Celli also had a great playoff showing as he aided his struggling GB brothers and sisters to the championship game in their triple OT defeat over WOMS.
CJ (ARJ) – CJ essentially popped out of nowhere roughly 3/4’s in to the season. This kid didn’t even put a scratch on the basketball until his break out game in which he drained 5 of 7 from deep and won his Rim Jobbin’ brethren the game over Team Jager with a buzzer-beater. CJ’s balls continued to drop from then-on and he emerged as one of the dominant 3pt. shooters in all of Co-Ed (he shot 50% on the season).
Most Improved (F):
Casey AKA “The Jager Bomber” (Jagers) – While many of you may not know this femme fatale of the Jager squad…you may remember that girl who, early on in the season, would just throw the ball at the basket whenever it bounced her way…
While Casey never lost that tick to shoot the ball, she managed, over the course of the season, to tame her evil basketball ways and find success on the offensive-end.
The Jager Bomber has come a long way since her Hands Team days…she managed to get her first double digit scoring effort of her Co-Ed career this season!
Nibs the Balla (Game…Blouses) – If there is one thing we can say about everyone’s favorite vanilla Snoop Doggy Dog, it’s that this man was not shy with the basketball.
While Pretty Face called out Nibs’ shooting form as reminiscent of a Fischer Price basketball product tester, no one can deny that Nibs did not have many troubles in getting the ball through the cylinder.
While I have heard the echoes of a new nick name “Nibles and Bricks” – I must point out that Nibs the Balla was 3rd in Co-Ed for scoring (17.75 ppg) and shot 44% from beyond the arc (20 of 45)…he also led the league in 3’s pg with 2.5.
Defense…well…that’s another story..
Heather (WOMS) – despite the fact that I cannot put this blog on facebook for Heather to read and cherish with her family and friends, I will give her the benefit of the doubt that she will find a computer at some point in her life to read up on her award.
Heather came up big for WOMS down the stretch. At points in the WOMS games when Mr. Baaaaaaston needed a paper bag when sucking wind and Harvey’s fadeaway’s were about as effective as Tibb’s picture on his Match.com profile,Heather found ways to score in the post.
While her worst enemy was fatigue, Heather played some quality minutes and managed to have some nice double digit games down the stretch.
Co-Ed ALL Offense Team:
Pretty Face (GB) CB (Above the Rim Jobs)
Nibs the Balla (GB) EJ (WOMS)
Tristan AKA Perkins (GB) Heather (WOMS)
AB (Genzyme) KB (Jager)
Pat B. (DLW)
Mr. Baaaaaaaston (WOMS)
Brian AKA “G-Low and the Special Sauce” (Thank you Jagermeister) – if you were planning on driving the lane at any point in your game, I’m sure you must have had some second thoughts after G-Low stuffed your junk the first three times around. G-Low played hard all season long and fought the futile fight for Thank you Jagermeister in aiding their mission in winning more than 1 game in a season.
G-Low averaged 13.75 boards and 1.75 blocks a game.
Danielle AKA “Mrs. Boooooooozer” (Above the Rim Jobs) – Mrs. Boooooozer may seem like a sweet woman off the court, but make no mistake – after your have wiped your feet and entered her house on the basketball court she becomes something evil and competitive. This woman had zero fears of rolling with the big boys in the post…she even managed to make Pretty Face cry as she smacked him in the face early-on in their season game!
Co-Ed ALL Defense Team:
Keith S. (Genzyme) Celli (GB)
Pretty Face (GB) G-Low (Jager)
Odor Blocker (WOMS) Jane Stockton (GB)
Mr. Baaaaaaaston (WOMS) The Printaaaaa (WOMS)
Boy Wonder Monroe (WOS) Alli-D (WOS)
All Chuckers Team: These kids shot 3s like BFab pops munchkins
Nibs the Ball (GB) Pretty Face (GB)
CJ (Above the Rim Jobs) Casey AKA “The Jager Bomber” (Jagers)
DB for THREEEE! (Above the Rim Jobs) KB (Jagers)
Booooooooozer (Above the Rim Jobs) Uncle Time Bomb Pauly (WOMS)
McEnelly (Genzyme) Tristan AKA “Perkins” (WOS)
Co-Ed Allstars 1st Team:
Pretty Face (GB) Pat B. (DLW)
AB (Genzyme) G-Low (Jagers)
Mr. Baaaaaaston (WOMS) CB (Above the Rim Jobs)
Co-Ed Allstars 2nd Team:
Nibs the Balla (GB) Nate AKA “The Silent Assassin/Wondering Jew” (GB)
Matt Monroe (WOS) Rory AKA “The Flash Guru” (GB)
Rashad (WOS) Gwen B. (Genzyme)
The Printaaaa (WOMS)
JZuk “Outside the Box” Awards
It’s totally lame to just do the normal 9-5 standards for awards. You all worked hard to tweak your own unique and individual persona in my eyes and mind…why should I let that all go down the drain and get jumbled up in awards like “defensive player of the year”…so you can swat a ball – big f’ing deal….
Below you will find my hand-crafted awards which title the award and then give a brief description of the award, and of course list the cadets who earned their share of Co-Ed glory!
Extra “Umph” Award
Ok, so you don’t drop 20+ a game or even 10+…but the bottom line is you hustle your ass off for your team every week and you efforts aid them in collecting wins and gaining respect of competitors. You have a good attitude and you never complain and follow the CAC standards of play to a T. If the above describes you then you should walk up to the podium and collect your piece of the prize.
Joe M. (DLW) The Greek (Jagers)
Pat M. (DLW) Alli-D (WOS)
Papa Llama DC (DLO) Bryan C. (WOS)
Harvey (WOMS) Brian M. (Jagers)
The Printaaaaaaa (WOMS) Boozer (ARJ)
Broken Down GM of the Year:
Danielle AKA Mrs. Booooozer (ARJ) – Daniele’s Above the Rim Job squad may not have taken home the Co-Ed S’10 title, but what her squad lacked in W’s they more than made up with colorful personalities. In what other arena in life will I be blessed with the opportunity to scream out “Booooooooozer!” and “DB for THREEEEEE!” Also, Above the Rim Jobs have the best team e-mail chain I have seen to-date (maybe tied with GB).
The BFab T-Party: As if everyone’s favorite man in vertical stripes didn’t already have enough stuff spewing from the CAC to piss him…well some of you found the way to push BFab’s buttons to new and unprecedented limits:
VIP Access for Life to the BFab T-Party:
Pretty Face (GB) – the perks of this honor feature unlimited sink showers with BFab between and after games…BFab will even let you rinse his face and behind his ears.
No one bitched, moaned, and sulked more than Reddick. While he brought great competition to the hardwood he also managed to bring some PMS which flowed uncontrollably in response to random travel violations and incessant fouls.
Guest List Priority to the BFab T-Party:
Mr. Baaaaaaaston (WOMS) – Harold from the VA and BFab managed to bicker at each other like an old married couple beyond the help of Viagra. When Mr. Baaaaaaston didn’t get his way he would simply reenact questionable violations on others…my favorite example over this season was the whole hands in the face while in the post…f’ing classic!
Tristan AKA “Perkins” (WOS) – “Apparently I’m a f$cking Joke!” Need I say more, really?
JZuk Secret Admirers/Stalkers/:
Do you incessantly: 1.) GChat me 2.) text me 3.) email me or, my personal favorite 4.) facebook message me
– ALL asking me: 1.) are stats posted yet? 2.) when will you post write ups? 3.) did you get my _______ (insert stat of choice)
If you can answer yes to any, and for some of you, all of the above, then you have earned this award.
Rory AKA “Flash Guru”: Rory is one of my favorites in the Co-Ed and is sure to make a great future staffer, but I really cannot wait until participants in his future leagues have him select his lube of choice when they ram him with Stat blasphemy accusations and questionable authenticity of write-up material…I hope you don’t blush man.
KB: This woman has forced me to discover and exploit the “invisible” feature on GChat. She is a founding member of the JZuk paparazzi. If KB does not get her write-up, she is an angry woman.
Heather: Heather’s incessant criticisms of my stat-keeping abilities made me feel like watching and keeping perfect stats of a WOMS game was just as arduous a task as those dudes who battle dragons and shit in those Marine/Army commercials. Geezus woman, I’m not planning a presidential assassination, I’m just keeping stats for Co-Ed Rec. Ball!!!
The Printaaaaa: If her name is not in a write up…or better yet, in a paragraph, I will not hear the end of it! She is also quiet.
Harvey: Thoughts of deleting my facebook account have come to mind as Harvey always manages to tie in a “friendly reminder” of my CAC b-ball responsibilities whenever I update my status…He also threatened to remove his participation from the message boards if I did not follow through on my CAC write up duties…
The Odor Blocker: When I finished my school courses for my program earlier this month, I decided to let the world know about it on facebook. While I was so delighted by the comments of BFab and Harry, assuring all that I was bombing my last final, I was more pleased in reading Steve’s post: “Hey are the stats up…are the games really at another gym next week?”
Co-Ed Quote of the Season:
BFab: “…that’s right, blues goes this way Jackhole!”
To All…if you made it this far, give yourself a standing ovation in applause….
Seriously, I had a ton of fun in my second Season on CAC staff. Despite your basketball shenanigans, you all were a great group and I look forward to another great Co-Ed Season come F’10!