Co-Ed East 5 v 5 Season Preview!

By PMills

Wednesday Co-Ed Season Preview:

Ok, ok. If you don’t know me yet (unlikely), I’m going to be your Wednesday Night Co-Ed host, P-Mills. For those of you who know me from last session, let’s talk a bit first about the proverbial elephant in the room. Last session was my first behind the scoreboard, and I learned several things:

(1) If you try to paint every painting like Rembrandt, you will get burned out (and perhaps want to rip off your own ear). After all, there are only so many ways to say, game after game, that the teams were “trading baskets”, Nick Bruce takes a lot of time to shoot a free throw, Pat Lawson likes to miss easy lay-ins and curse himself about it, or the Wheels of Steel are good, or things like that.

(2) Rory Duyon, who handles the duties for the Co-Ed West, is without question the gold standard in CAC reporting, no apologies to Tibbs made. While R-Duy toils in quiet desperation at his daytime law firm gig, he sincerely aspires to be a sportscaster, and rightly so. Quite frankly, this writer thinks your SportsFlash celebrity (and now, apparently, Improper Bostonian writer) has got the chops to do it, all bullshit aside. Trying to live up to his Co-Ed West example as a hobby to one’s day job is like trying to shut down Jakeen Cobb in the second half- it ain’t gonna happen.

(3) You clowns sure do love your stats- it would seem that you prefer rapid reports to thorough analysis, while wanting to see your name in lights as many times as possible. Message received. Also, no one’s ever complained about being credited for one too many rebounds, assists, or steals. Ever. Got it.

(4) The level of play is really getting outstanding in the Co-Ed. Team makeup, with three separate divisions now, is more incestuous than, well, English nobility. Many players are playing in two, and several in all three divisions. That means that you are generating more co-ed chemistry than was possible in the past. But that also means that just because you’re a stud player, don’t think you’re running away with this thing (24 teams, and you might have to play against “yourself” in the playoffs). Every team’s got somebody that can burn you, and chances are, you’ve got someone that can burn everyone else, too.

(5) People seemed to like to Pyramid Breweries Player of the Week Armband (PBPOTW). Except Rory, who probably wishes he had thought of it first… By the way, give that second one back, clown.

So, those things in mind, here’s what I propose:

(a) Nothing. I’m not promising a damn thing. Of course, except to do my best in giving you accurate scoring, rapid reports, and good (and present) write-ups. I run a law office from my home as my profession, which takes a pretty big chunk of my time; and I actually like doing it. But that means, if I’ve got a work deadline and a CAC write-up due, you know where the priority is. That said, I still love you all (some more and some less), and will try to provide reparté at a level somewhere between Super Rory and Tibbs; you won’t be getting gypped- but well, you know, no promises.

(b) If you thought you got a block (or assist, or steal, or whatever) that I didn’t see, call it out. I won’t be upset. If you said or did or heard something funny, let me know. If you’ve got a great idea for a write-up concept, share it. The goal is to have great write-ups that make you laugh and/or think. You have a voice, well, at least a little. Share it.

(c) Thick skin. Have some. I’m going to be taking shit about last session’s write-ups for who knows how long from who knows how many sources. It’s cool. I get it. No biggie- I can deal. You’d better have thick skin too, though, ‘cause I’m not afraid to fire back, not a teeny tiny bit. Just remember, the laptop is mightier than the sword.

(d) PBPOTW- oh yeah. We’re totally doing that again. Big time. Altschuller, bring it to me (cleaned, please) for week one.

(e) Nicknames- nicknames are fun. Here’s a list so that when I say, “Pegasus,” you know who I mean. New Nicknames suggestions are welcome, particularly from Old Scholar, who has done a great job thusfar in dubbing. See? Now you know who that is:

“EJ”- Erin Johnson- WOMS
“Harvey” or “Easter Bunny”- Chris Harvey- WOMS
“Old Scholar”- Nick Altschuller- WOS
“Pegasus” or “Gilligan”- Tristan Mouligne- WOS
“Reddick”- Mike Comtois- CP
“Sweet Lu”- Luanna Botelho- PUK
“Squeaky”- Becky Pelletier- CP
“Nibs” or “the Baller”- Paul Nimblett- DLP
“Nate D-O-G-G”- Nate Brigham- DLP
“For Threezie!”- Matt Forlizzi- DLP
“Sweetness”- Lauren Kelly- DLP
“Dan-Tastic”- Dan Leahy- DLO
“Terminator”- Carissa Everett- DLW
“Minotaur”- Matt Roberts- DLW
“PBPOTW”- Pyramid Breweries Player of the Week- cool armband you get to wear for the week if you’re the preceding week’s player of the week.
“P-Mills” or “Italian Stallion” or “Where the Hell is My Write-Up?”- yours truly.

With the preliminaries out of the way, how ‘bout a little analysis:

Pre-season rankings and predictions

8. Dizzy Llamas Orange- The third of the DL teams, with the most shifted of rosters from last session. A few departures and a few new additions is going to make for tough sledding for new captain Caitlin Phillips, especially with the caliber of teams in the East getting even better. I don’t see a single opponent that’s a walk-over in this league, but in order to be the best, you have to play the best, right?

Prediction– DL Orange will win multiple games.

7. Pumped Up Kicks- This looks like a good chunk of the former Winter Hill Gang from last season’s West. There’s definitely going to be size and toughness, and Matt Hayes is a better shooter than you’ll expect him to be at first look. I believe Xavier intends to be the team’s primary scorer, and he can sure fill it up. Haven’t seen much of about half the roster, so we’ll leave it there for now. I will say that you’d do well to bring a mouthguard when you play them.

Prediction– Sweet Lu will neither (a) break someone’s nose nor (b) get injured the entire season. I might be just wishfully thinking on both points, but I’d take Sweet Lu on my team any day of the week.

6. Genzyme- Who the heck knows who will ultimately be on this roster? Not me. But I know that their stalwarts Jakeen (the “Machine”?- potential nickname) Cobb, Gwen Browne, Pat Lawson and Garrett Tingle are all strong players that will do some things… if they show. Should be the most erratically performing team in the league. They usually get their mojo working come playoff time, though not last season.

Prediction– Genzyme will not forfeit a game this season.

5. Wheels of Steel– This ranking seems to be a pretty big slap in the face to the Wheels, who went undefeated last season all the way up to the “U” game, but bear in mind that they have listed a six person roster of whom 3 (and a big three in Matt Monroe, Bryan Arndt and Keri Downs) are now living out of state. Since the Wheels didn’t even see fit to fly Keri into town for the unification game, I don’t know how they intend to win with just Pegasus, Old Scholar, Loren Turner and Justine Hill. Until I get a look at the replacements, or until Old Scholar perfects time travel (possible), you can’t avoid a forfeit via Skype, and the Wheels will sit here.

Prediction- Downs, Monroe and Arndt will not score all season, WOS will be higher ranked by season’s end.

4. Child, Please- Will be, at a minimum, pretty strong, with Reddick, to go with longtime sniper (and CAC Boards whore) Dave Grubb, Matty Austin and a kid named Moore, who’s supposed to be “good.” Looks like they’ve also taken two of the FFF (former Femme Fatales), and that certainly bodes well. If the girls can take playing entire games and none of the guys gets injured or p-whipped, this team should be a contender when things matter. Otherwise, they’re going to suffer setbacks as a result of being shorthanded. They’ll get a good sense of where they stand right away with last sessions’ Eastern Division runner up, Dizzy Llamas White in Week 1.

Prediction– CP will not win the division, but will beat the winner of the division during the regular season.

3. Dizzy Llamas Plaid– You’ve asked, and Llamas Nation has delivered, the newest of the color scheme. Don’t be fooled, because just as Nibs can pull off any hat (I’ve seen him actually make a beret work), this group of players is most of the Unification winners, Just Look at It, from last session’s West division. Nate D-O-G-G is the most versatile of any player in the league, and For-Threezie and Nibs can dial from distance at will. Add to that Sweetness’s lefty hook, and some sticky Keith Kantor defense and leadership, and you’ve got a very strong squad. Plaid also plucked the FFF’s captain, Alleigh Marré, who exhibits excellent chemistry, especially with the D-O-G-G.

Prediction– Plaid will be the best dressed team in the Co-Ed CAC (24 teams). Nibs will continue to be fly.

2. Dizzy Llamas White– Where they ended is where they start (and perhaps where they end again), but given the upgrade in Co-Ed talent, that’s not the worst thing. DL White made strides last season, including eliminating both Genzyme and WOMS in the playoffs, but were just unable to turn the corner against the Wheels of Steel. With Minotaur leading the Llamas White for a second straight term, and full return of last session’s roster, I expect great things. As discussed earlier, we’ll see right away with what I expect to be the game of the week against Child, Please, in Week 1 (and week 8).

Prediction– DL White will win at least one playoff game. Nick Bruce will win PBPOTW at least once this season.

1. Weapons of Mass Seduction– Weapons get a bit of a break here for losing to the Llamas, because they did so without MVP candidate Dave Celli and Sara Doherty. The couple is a game-changing pair, because very few players come with the same ability to defend and run the break as well. The WOMS return their entire last sessions’ squad and actually added a player. They will once again be a contender for the championship, as the most weak-link free team in the entire division.

Prediction- Rory’s scoring average will go up, skewing the team’s scoring balance- he will continue to hold the second PPPOTW armband hostage.

So what do you say? Ready for some hoop?

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