Educators with Screwdrivers

Originally Posted
2010-01-16

It’s a funny lesson to learn in life, the moment you realize that you’re working for the man. And really your hard work and your hard-earned dollar is going to some guy thirty years older than you so he can take his wife to Capital Grille for aRADIO EDIT $100 dinner. You’re doing the grunt work. You’re pickin’ the intellectual weeds in a pyramid scheme that made Bernie Madoff look like a toddler that eats Play-Dough. And sure, you’re compensated with motivational carrots like RADIO EDIT office coffee that’s free of charge to you!!! Gee willikers, wasn’t that an American thing that had always been around? Why is it so special to have uniquely brewed coffee made by….ok, I get it now.

Division I-A college football head coaches and their university presidents are a unique group of scum that I want to call attention to. Aside from the rare bird that actually gets it (i.e. Dr. Machen in Florida, E. Gordon Gee at OSU, etc.), these morons decide to keep a broken system in place because they’re greedy assholes. Did you think I was talking about the BCS? Oh no, that system is still pretty bad, but incremental improvements have actually given us a legitimate #1 vs. #2 game in the last ten years that wasn’t there BEFORE. A college football playoff will happen by the end of the decade. Think of the revenue and think of all the overpriced Lancitos we’re going to shove down our throats when we’re fat and happy.

Why does a player who transfers to another school have to sit out of their sport for a full academic year while a coach can walk out of their contract at any time? Can you imagine if married men across the country went up to their wives and said “Honey, I met a waitress at T.G.I. Friday’s last night, we got married this morning. It’s over, but I want you to know that this was a tough decision for me. We’ll always have Bergen.” We’d have a revolution spurred by angry working women. Nobody would want that. That awful all-women’s network would have their ratings skyrocket. Nobody would want that, except for me. Imagine the concept of people just walking out on their marriages with a snap of a few fingers. Anarchy would rule the day. That doesn’t sound so bad.

Lane Kiffin may be a special kind of scum we haven’t seen since the likes of Tommy Tubberville. There was Nick Saban before him. People leave jobs all the time. People get new ones where they “upgrade” their circumstances (money, climate, fame, etc.) for whatever reason drives you on the inside.

The main argument is this: coaches should leave whenever the hell they want (also, universities should fire people when they want…also think of the opportunities created for coordinators that could become “interim” coaches). But why not have a two-week window where all hirings take place? If a coach signs with another school outside of the two-week window…the coach should then have to sit out for an entire season of football. If you break a contract, you should be punished. It’s fine to jump ship on your team if you’re a coach in this country, but not if you’re a player. And why is that? Is it because some old guy made the rule and older coaches knew the guy that made the rule? Out of the 300 million people in this country, maybe 30 million of us actually get the concept of work. One must put the actual work into building this wonderful imaginary life for yourself. You have to follow some of the dumbest rules ever written by man so you can play the game properly. You make sacrifices so you can blow your money at Fourbucks. All we ask is that the old ball-coach actually follow the same rule as the young football player. You know, the guy who’s actually making the plays or doing the work.

Aside: Dick Ebersol is the biggest RADIO EDIT doodyhead I’ve ever heard of in this life. What a pompous talentless assclown. My request is that Faith Hill sings “Puff The Magic Dragon” as your flaming corpse drowns aboard the Lusitania off the coast of Iceland. You RADIO EDIT goon. End of aside.

All actions have consequences. We want consistency in the consequences to actions. If a football coach is an alleged role model in this country and he represents an institution of higher learning, then shouldn’t said football coach teach us there’s a punishment (or perhaps a reward) to breaking a contract or jumping ship on a group of young men he’s supposed to lead. Imagine if a general in the army left his post to go be a general for another country? I believe treason is the word for it…the death penalty would be a fitting crime. A football coach usually gets more money when they ‘marry up’ to another school. The lack of clear logic by gutless university presidents baffles me. There should be a system that allows coaches to be hired in a certain timeframe. . Young men that are aged 18-23 (*except C.Weinke) are being taught that is acceptable to shun their responsibilities and their commitments when they reach a certain level in society like their head coach. It’s a twisted process that needs to be stopped immediately. Until that day happens, another Brian Kelly (a.k.a. The Moment’s King Snitch) circumstance will crop up where coach X gets rewarded with millions per year landing them their “dream job.”

Maybe I’m in the wrong profession. Or maybe we’re the ones being taught that the motto of a big-time university is “HAND OVER FIST” and “FOLLOW THE MONEY.” Now, we’re speaking about higher learning. Then again, the moment you realize you’ve been flipped over more times than a shoddy beef patty at Har-Har-Har-Dee’s (Frail, that’s for you.) is a painful thing. But then again, it’s another thing that we share together. There are two certainties in life other than cessation and taxation. You’re more than likely to screwed over by some foundation of society and I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. Ahhhh, the tides that bind us.

Vote on Tuesday or your mouth is shut for the next three years. The journey is about to be documented, you have been warned to run away.

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