Facing My Own Mortality

This past Saturday at the LNO, I hate to admit this to all the kids out there who idolize me and read this blog (and God knows my networking at surrounding playgrounds has done wonders for my popularity among people under 12 and people who wear badges):  I drank a tad irresponsibly.  Sometimes you got to know when to say when.  Fortunately, I did say when several times.  Unfortunately, ìwhenî was followed by ìis the next shot and whose buyin it?î  How I didnít end up face down in a gutter somewhere is a miracle.  Although this was just the latest instance of my luck, just recently, via e-mail chain, my friends reminded me of probably one of the worst ways for a mamaís boy to go out.


3 years ago, I was visiting my friends in Long Island.  Those of you who know the Huntington area there is a gentlemenís club somewhere in the area.  However, if you are coming from one direction you must take a left across a two lane highway (speed limit 45).  After a night at some non-skin bars, and of course none of us pulled any chicks, my friends took me to this gentlemenís club.  Just as we were taking the left to get into this club, a Mack truck approached my side of the car at a break neck speed.  I narrowly avoided getting pancaked by about 5 feet.  That would have been great.  People at my wake would be like, ìThe kid died going into the strip club?  Thatís the worst!  The least God could have done was let the kid get a lap dance and take him on the way out of the clubís parking lot.î


So this got me to thinking of just how much I need to accomplish before my time is up.  After some Zen like reflection, I really found myself, collected my thoughts and now I share them with you all. Please excuse me for getting all sensitive on you guys.


Things I want to do before I die:


  • I want to nail a chick named ìPandoraî so I can say I tore up Pandoraís Box
  • I want to hit a homerun in October so I can say I did something that A-Rod never did
  • I donít want to know the secret of life, but I do want to know whether the ìshower gelî and ìbody washî in the CAC showers are really the same thing just in differently labeled containers.
  • I want to dunk without a wall or without a backboard that says ìFisher Priceî
  • I want to understand a Fizzle Post/Text message without the use of thesaurus or young Asian  brain child
  • I want to do more with two testicles than Lance Armstrong does with his one man gang
  • Just once I want to see what itís like drinking from sun up to sun down rather than from sun down to sun up.
  •  Just once I want the chick to pay me after sex or to be the one laughing after my seed has been released


And finally, when I do pass, and god knows it could be tomorrow I want you all to exploit the s#it out of it.  I want the likes of the Wolverine and B-Rip to play the sympathy card at my wake and just like Will Farrell in Wedding Crashers, pull some tail.  Weddings and Funerals are natural aphrodisiacs people and I have always been a great assist man so use me baby!  Just keep your dam fingers and wangs out of Mama Ticalís sugar bowl you filthy animals.