Fakemail

With Tibbs’ latest blogs amounting to not much more than a list of things in his apartment, I thought I’d step in and try to provide some quick entertainment while resident #1 entertainer T’Cal hits the law school books and coaches the kiddies. So, here are a few emails that I have definitely not received in my own inbox. Yes, I do get plenty of email from the CAC, but they are of the hate variety and I don’t care to share those in the interest of limiting copycat killers. See, Tibbs has the luxury of sitting atop his mighty scoreboard and never having to mix it up with the players as a referee. So, he never gets yelled at with the ferocity that I do. Anyway, the names have been disguised so that I don’t offend anyone (because I would never want to do that).

 

“Hey Wolverine, just wanted to let you know that I have always thought that you were a better rebounder than me. It’s just that I don’t really have much going for me other than this rebounding thing, so I have to talk it up, especially when I am drinking, which is all the time. I hope you understand. Oh, and please don’t tell anyone about this.” – Michael from Charlestown

No problem, Michael. Your secret is safe with me. And thank you very much for finally admitting this fairly obvious fact.

 

“Matt, you have done such a great job as my employee, helping build the B leagues from 6 to 50 teams in just 5 years with your friendly personality and ideas to improve the league. Your dedication will no longer go unnoticed. I am giving you your 1st CAC raise, effective immediately.” – Benito from Cambridge

Wow, this is fantastic news. It’s a steak burrito instead of chicken from here on in, Sergeon! And this doesn’t have anything to do with the recently passed legislation raising the state’s minimum wage, does it?

 

“Hey, I am sorry for not giving you the respect you deserve even though I am now technically your boss. I will craft all emails to you with a sprinkle of pleases and a dusting of thank yous, even though I am pretty much Simba and you are pretty much Scar if the staff were ever to perform the CAC King in theatres.” – Dirk from Medford

Wow, more fantastic news. It is better to be loved than feared after all (until you are either impeached or publicly stoned by the masses, of course).

 

“Wolverine, I just wanted to apologize for my outburst during the game last night. In retrospect, I think you did make all the right calls and at the very least, you didn’t cause our team to lose. It was my missed free throws/turnovers/general lack of understanding of the game that caused the loss. I am also sorry for what I said about your family. I am sure they are all very nice people.” –  Ian from Stratton Mountain, Freddie from Acton, Adam from the throne, Jason from the Warren Tavern, Kate-Lynn from Medford (man they are gonna have some whiny kids!), Edward from New Jersey, Randy from the WWF, Michael formerly from SF, the entire Liberty Mutual Back Bay office, Ethan from Saugus, Jean from Barbados, Kevin from whatever ultra-lounge I am at, JP from Somerville, Ian from the Boston Garden, and the entire Genzyme Cambridge office.

Fellas (and lady), no need to apologize. I really do understand the heat of the moment gets the best of us sometimes. It’s a real pleasure just being in all of your presence for hours upon hours and then getting to write about it the next day. If I didn’t get paid so much, I would still do it, really. But remember, the definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing and expecting different results.  

 

“Matt, the stats and write-ups for the B2 West games were up last night even before we actually played the games. I will continue with timely and accurate write-ups for the remainder of the season, including awards and playoff previews, and I will not go out drinking until I am done.” – Jill E. Anne, Central Square

You are a model for the rest of the staff to look to. And I don’t just mean your looks. Thanks a ton for all of your efforts. You’re a peach.

 

“Wolverine, I totally agree with you holding out on marriage for as long as possible. In the poker game of life, women are the rake. Stay strong, you are my idol. And now that BRip may be single, we can be like the 4 Horseman – me, you, Rip, and whomever is standing next to us at the time.” – Sean, from the basement

Sean, while I thank you for the compliment, I am not a role model. I repeat, I am not a role model. Secure yourself a nice women and cash in your chips as soon as possible. Otherwise, you may be spending the rest of your life with 4 legged furry females that would rather lick themselves than you. Godspeed!

 

“Wolverine, I love the fact that you wear those youth large dry-fits while you ref. I am going to do the same thing while I sell CAC memberships as I think it could help my sales. Except I am taking it up a notch and going with the youth medium dry-fits instead.” – Jeffrey from Allston

Ok, I actually did receive this one.

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