Fall 09 – Staff Awards

In an effort to get even more of you CACers involved on the write-up staff (we’re adding even MORE shifts in the Winter 2010 season) I’ve decided to give a little bit of love to our current staffers and give you a peak into where you might fit in next season.  You might think that ‘Staff Awards’ would include referees too, but no, they’ve got the most thankless job of all of us.  I’d feel bad for them if they didn’t all get paid the most.

For those that forget the details, all you’ve got to do is pick-up one (1) two (2) game shift each week (includes posting stats/write-ups/lines) and you get a free gym membership and two (2) free 4v4 leagues!! It’s as good a deal as you can get for those of you that play multiple leagues!!

But back to my main point, the staffers work hard for all of you, giving (most of) you lines, write-ups, post season awards, etc etc. But who gives them awards?! Who makes sure we recognize all the hard work that they do? Well you know what, I do, that’s who.  It’s about time the staffers got some more love. By the way, if for some reason O’Cal steals this idea of mine and posts his own, I started this on 11/4/09 @ 10:23 AM (instead of doing write-ups, of course). Not sure why he would, but this is my best idea since we signed Tommy Doyle’s on board. Yea I don’t have many. And yea, I put this down for a while, but I knew I’d finish it eventually.

Best Promos: Tibbs – That’s right you mother CACers, I’m starting this off by rewarding myself, well at least giving myself a pat on the back.  Between the Message Boards/Tommy Doyle’s/GChat Messages/Facebook/Twitter/Emails, no one tries to pump the sh!t out of the leagues like I do. That’s why I make $5 an hour plus all the free Gatorade I can tip over out of the new vending machines.   Seriously, how many times did you get emails from me this season?! 3 times a week, 6, 10, 14!?!  I’m surprised you haven’t all marked me as spam by now (please, please don’t do that, it was a joke, don’t take me seriously!!)
Other Awards: Most Parentheses, Worst Write-ups

Most Words: BFab – Despite the fact that I covered 4 different nights of basketball at Wall Ball Arena, BFab, hands down, spewed more words on the message boards and in his write-ups then I did combined all season long.  That guy produces more material to read on the sh!tter then Simmons.  I’m not actually sure if it’s a compliment but let’s roll with it.  He even went out of his way to post the B1 West 5v5 Lines on occasion, just because he loves to hear the sound of his own clickity clack typing.  Amazing really, but it keeps everyone involved, and that’s really what it’s all about, isn’t it?!
Other Awards: Best Write-ups, Worst Shtick

Best Impersonation: Matty Bells – Back in week 1, Matty thought the stat-keeping game was so easy, he could get away with bringing his laptop to West Somerville Neighborhood School and bang out the write-ups at the same time as take stats. Dude, it takes a seasoned veteran to pay that little and that much attention all at the same time. I’m flattered you tried to be like Tibbs, really I am, but learn to crawl before you walk!
Other Awards: Most (2nd) fill-ins, Worst Homerism

Most Fill-ins: Gerrity – Narrowly edging out BDubs this season, Five Hard Fouls was on constantly on-call.  And the dude always answered his phone to step up and lend a helping hand.  It helps that he actually followed through with his write-ups to get this award too.  I need more staffers like him!  That’s right, I said it.  Pay attention people!
Other Awards: Best Pop Culture, Worst Serial Killer

Best Organization: Lindsay Graham – Who you might ask?! Lindsay held it down as the stat keeper over at the Winter Hill school for the A 5v5 league.  Sure she didn’t post on the boards, but you know what, no one except Royce from the A 5v5 does.  You should see Lindsay’s folder, she’s the most organized stat keeper we’ve ever had. Between completely revamping my stat-sheet, posting updates of the A 5v5 League outside the door at Wall Ball Arena and keeping the A 5v5 up to date on the news in the write-ups, Lindsay was always, always, always on her A game.
Other Awards: Most Consistent, Worst Horn Tooter

Most Posts: Noah – aka DocSpauld – you know who he is. How can you not?! Dude’s all over the boards whether or not he plays or covers the league, riling people up and getting them to comment on his often ludicrous posts. If he keeps up his current rate he’ll pass me in total posts by the end of next season!!  Don’t get me wrong, he’s like the second coming of BFab, and that can be good to get guys involved. But sometimes, man sometimes…

Other Awards: Best Ranting, Worst Ranting

Best Newcomer: Tom Kahana– Of all the stat keepers this season, Tommy K was the guy that was one point the most. Between emailing his league that he had posted lines, settling disputes/rulings and keeping everyone up to date on Tommy Ds/3v3, this guy made sure everyone knew what was going on. Plus he had lines posted even when he need a fill-in for the week and banged out the awards in record time!! You know what that means, he’s getting this little ditty’s version of Rookie of the Year!!

You’re not really that surprised, are you?!

Other Awards: Most Tommy Points, Worst Game Times

Most Water bottles: Paul Reeves – But who knew what was really in those things over at the CTown HS? You don’t do you?! That’s what I thought, well I do!! And I really wish I had been able to partake in the same activities Capitol P did.  Not fair really. Hey, whatever gets you through the night man! It must have worked, as this was his best season in terms of write-ups and turnaround time, stick with it!
Other Awards: Best Improvement, Worst Kept Secret

Best Finisher: Ticallion Stallion – Technically this should be called the “Fastest Finisher” [that’s what she said!!], but I wanted to stick to the ‘best’ and ‘most’ themes.  So this is what you getO’Cal!  The man always has his stats posted the same night AND his write-ups!  He makes the rest of us look bad with his timeliness, funny jokes, uni-brow, he’s the entire package. You wonder why I can’t let him anywhere near the Women’s league..
Other Awards: Most Yo Mama Jokes, Worst Housing Situation

Most Harassment: The Playboy – This guy isn’t much better than the one mentioned above. BDubs has been holding down the Women’s 5v5 league for a couple seasons now and I’m shocked we haven’t gotten hit with any ‘inappropriate behavior’ complaints yet. Seriously, have you read his write-ups, he’s just throwing himself out there for these Ladies.  Unfortunately for him, they’re not biting, or are they? I’m guessing no, since he has to ‘think about’ taking the shift again next season. What do you mean Billy?! What would the league be without you, THend and Alberto holding it down?!
Other Awards: Best Preseason Previews, Worst Timeliness

Best Tagline: Layman – “In Layman’s Terms” was by far and away the best pre-game lines hook on the message boards this season. It even got the C league yukking it up on the boards by the end of the season.  That’s what we’re striving for people.  Get everyone involved no matter when, where or what league they play in!! If we’re going to lose him to classes next season, someone is going to have to pick-up his mantle and continue to get the C league involved. Now that they’ve found the message boards that shouldn’t be too hard. But if they don’t get their due, they’re going to let you hear about it! That’s a lot of pressure for his successor.
Other Awards: Most XJV Title Games, Worst Title Win %

Most [Sic]’d: CUBA – Seriously, have you read his write-ups/lines?  Yea me either really. My eyes just gloss over. At least he puts people’s names in all caps. That means they did something, right?!  I’m not going to lie, they’ve gotten better as the season wears on. I’m thinking that by this time next year we’re actually going to have some sort of idea what went down in each game he covers.  That’s the hope anyway. Comeback for another season CUBA!!
Other Awards: Best Effort, Worst All-Star Idea

Best Slacker: Kaplan – Man, if he didn’t complain every week about which spot duty he was taking on for the season he might not be here. But goddamn it man you weren’t on the regular schedule, suck it up and deal! You got as good a deal did as Serge last season, just being the roaming gnome. It’s funny cuz you ARE a gnome. Get it?!?! Bah, you’re not getting off the hook so easily next season!
Other Awards: Most ‘Assist!’, Worst

Most Punctual: Frail – Seriously, M3 goes home, pours a drink, enters stats, pours another drink, posts a write-up, pours another drink, and repeats.  Can’t beat that kind of commitment. Hell his awards were up a mere couple of hours after the last game of the regular season.  Sure it’s sort of, kind of the same award that O’Cal just got, but not really.  Frail took it to a whole ‘notherlevel.  He’s actually on the message boards (I think he still is, did you hear the rumor he’s trying to quit?!) and riles his leagues up.  That’s the best I’ve got. You think of something good to say about Frail. Can’t do it, can ya?!
Other Awards: Best Avatars, Worst Love/Hate relationship

Best Remixes: JBerr – Her lines and write-ups (you know, when she does them) are always on point. But the main attractions, in my mind, were when she did her best Michael Scott impression and reworked the lyrics to popular songs. Seriously, you’d be singing the remix in your head all day when they were about you. Admit it, you know it’s true.  Now if only we could get her Write-up % up, we’d have even more of these instant classics to enjoy!
Other Awards: Most Sexual Innuendos, Worst Poll Options

Most Free Leagues: Jamil Ball – JBall played on 3 teams, on Monday night alone!! Holy Cow talk about milking the system.  This isn’t he first time the rules are going to change the following season because of Jamil finding loopholes in the rules.  He should really be taking that as a compliment, as I hope everyone is doing with these awards. Seriously though, we’re changing the system again to close the loopholes.  Jamil found a way to weasel onto a squad for nearly every night of the week. But all his teams knew he’d really only show up for the post season, and that’s why they got him. He’s proven to be a big game player in the games that matter most!  How many times can he do it in the Fall 09 post season?!

Other Awards: Best Points per minute , Worst Attendance

Best Glumac – Glumac – That’s right, Glumac’s in a category all by himself.  Dude doesn’t really post on the boards, is subdued in the write-ups, come on Glumac, wake up!! You’ve been taking the ‘walking nap’ lessons from Durbrow haven’t you?!  Even though you’re moving even further outside the city, here’s to hoping you’re coming back on staff and the Tap next season!
Other Awards: Most Anticipated Improvements, Worst Post Count

Most Pick-up Runs: Serge – Seriously, is there anywhere Serge doesn’t play a lil pup?! I mean, he only used one of his free league fees this season, so I don’t really blame him. And he’s got the knee to continue to rehab and all.  But gd it all, I can’t be getting up early any more on the weekends, I’m too hung over.  What the hell is he doing it for?!  At least I don’t get the relentless text messages anymore. Thank god, I hate it when those things wake me up.

Best Upkeep: Steve Pacheco – Hey someone has to do all those annoying things like email me about what I do wrong, what needs to be updated and where trouble spots are showing.  I wish all the staffers were at thorough as Steve has been in his first season on Staff. Let this be a lesson to all of you, relentlessly let me know what I’m doing wrong, eventually you’ll get a response!
Other Awards: Most Eager, Worst Sunday Squad