Welcome to JBerrís massage parlor, where egos are created, nurtured and encouraged to thrive, turning even the most modest of men into full-blown, narcissistic ego-maniacs.
[ìUuuuuuuh, caress me downî softly cues in the background]
I would first like to thank you all for an entertaining and highly enjoyable seasonóI hope the feelings are mutual, and if not, I hope you enjoyed the rub-down regardless. And, if youíre feeling really neglected I suggest that you enlist in any/all of the following
a) get better at basketball
b) start wearing obnoxious or otherwise flashy clothing and/or a ridiculous headband (see scalibrine, gerrity, or JBerr circa 2007)
c) harass me mercilesslyótalk to Mike Koziol if youíre unsure how to go about this
d) change your name to khalid lakacacawakanalala
e) bring me candy!!!!
[that awkward, queef-like sound of lotion squeezing out of a bottle]
Iíll begin this massage with the most important muscle of all, the one we cannot live without that keeps us alive and is the blood/oxygen source for all the other muscles in our body, our life-force: The Heart.
MVP: Andy Herlihy, Heavy Hitters
One of the most athletically talented players in this league, and CAC at large, who makes basketball look like an art form, Herlihy is the player the Heavy Hitters could not have succeeded without. Struggling through a portion of the season with a shoulder injury, Herlihy put up more points and grabbed more boards in half the amount of time of any other player in this league. Thriving on his presence, his team plays better when he is on the court. Generous and at times miraculous, some might liken him to Jesus or Mohammed, if thatís your thing. Entitled to demand recognition, he has never asked once. He leads and inspires through his actions, and just like JBerrís heart, heís tough to break. No single player can shut him down defensively, that in fact, would require a small mob.
Runners up: Mike ìKoz He Canî Koziol (HTown Ballers), Kevin ìKOî (Saugus Blades) Ostrander and ìThe Playboyî Billy Durbrow (ODB)
From the Heart straight to the ASS, lemme work that Gluteus Maximus. Pretty hot and tempting this booty gets all of the attention turning heads at every stop.
Rookie of the ëYearí: Ramon ìNoodlesî Salas Escalat (High Noon)
All finesse with a great handle and a smooth finish Ramon Noodles was a hot commodity in the High Noon arsenal and a faaaaabulous addition to the 5v5 B. A pesky defender and a deadly shooter make Ramon a potent presence on the court. His talents earned him MVP of the Championship game as he lead his team to the East title, and he now shares something in common with my favorite player of the 5v5 B league.
Moving my hands up from the money-maker, Iíll begin working on the head, where master plans are conceived and dreams are born. The Brains of the 5v5 B East this season waaaaaaaaas (drum roll)
GM of the ‘Year’: Kariuki Thande, (High Noon)
Is this any surprise for the GM of this seasonís Champs?! With half of the former Hostile Takeover squad, Kari had some serious off-season recruiting to do. No point guard, one less 3point specialist and the loss of one of CACís premier shot blockers, he hit up the local courts in pursuit of his dream team to take it all home. Iíd say a nearly undefeated season and a title are sufficient measures for his success. Ramon Noodles, Tarek and Sam were all perfect additions and sending Naber to over-night 3point camp was ingenious. Do you feel special enough yet, Kari? I hope you bring these boys back next season to defend your title!! Additionally I think Lame-Zyme wants a rematch.
Runners Up: Phil Lord (Cold Blooded) and Kevin Mason (Heavy Hitters)Ö Donít even think about it Fabry!
Sliding my lotion covered hands down to the shoulder blades to massage that spot where white collar tension harbors its pain, time to let JBerrís sweet, small, carni-like hands release it.
Most Improved: Jon ìWonít You Be Myî Naber (High Noon) and Seth ìCrocHawkî Crockford (HTown Ballers)
Iím torn between two so I am giving this award to 2 very different but equally deserving players
Naber- With his new squad and plenty of room to operate, Naber took a drastically more significant role this season, evolving into one of the most reliable players on the court. A tenacious defender and a versatile offensive player, Naber commands recognition from his opponents. As the season went on his 3point shot became an invaluable component to the High Noon offense.
CrocHawk- Seth is undoubtedly a talented baller, but his quick temper and propensity to engage with the referees impacted his ability to excel, often times to the detriment of his team. But, this season Seth turned over a new leaf as I watched him evolve into a much more poised and mature player. Feared for his thievery, tough to defend and always looking to score, Seth is a vital piece of the HTown Ballerís success. Your growth and improvement is significant and I truly hope to see you back this summer!!
Now, moving deeper into the muscles to work on the backbone, allow me to knead out all of those painful knots in the essential part of our body, supporting our weight and allowing us to perform. This should send tingles through the rest of your bodyÖ
Defensive Player of the Year: Dan Monahan (Cold Blooded)
Not to take anything away from Danís tremendous hustle on the glass, his man, and all over the court, I really have a lot of trouble with this award. There are all different types of things to gauge a talented defensive player. Thereís rebounding, KO, Durbrow and Krause are probably the top 3 pure rebounders in the league. Then thereís steals/perimeter D and people like Pistol Pete, Tommy Casey, Chris Hunter, & Khalid all come to mind. In terms of aggression I think of THend, Crockford, The Bearded Avenger. Then of course thereís size and ìfear invokingî if you will, and how can I ignore Brett and Jesse LaFlamme two of the leagues deadliest shot blockers. So, so many of you are talented defenders itís very difficult to narrow it down.
So why Dan? Cause Danís the man. And I picked his name out of my hat! Just kidding, like I have time to cut up tiny pieces of paper with your names on it.
From the back I move on down to the Big ToeÖbecause who doesnít enjoy a massage with a little toe-suckling. So who gets the suckle??? But of courseÖ
Unsung Hero: Tommy Casey (Heavy Hitters)
Leading his team in steals and assists Tommy Casey is a true hustla, baby. Overshadowed by Hall and Herlihy, Casey makes all the little things happen with his hands to work heart to CAC mentality. Heís quick on both ends of the floor and willing to sacrifice his body for the good of the teamóI hope that ankle is healing up well!!
Runners Up: James Molyneaux (Cold Blooded), Pat Griffin (Sizzler), Ed Miller (Running Rebels)
Once you put someoneís toe in your mouth thereís no going back, Iíll allow your imaginations to take over from hereÖItís the muscle that likes being massaged the most and can never get enoughóTHE COCK.
Offensive Player of the Year: Mike ìKoz He Canî Koziol (Htown Ballers)
Because he can straight up score at will, with or w/o giving back, errr I mean getting back. Averaging nearly 20 points a game, Mike Koziol turned out back to back weeks of Monster offense scoring over 30pts. With his smooth, signature lefty he thrusts the Htown Ballers into a level they could not compete at without him. Without his contributions they would struggle and this remains evident as the Ballers win/loss ratio is intimately tied with Kozís ìperformance.î He just knows how to put it in, and he knows that he knows it, AND makes sure everyone else does tooóand we love him for it.
Runners UP: Mike Shapiro (Sizzler) and Terrycloth Henderson (Genzyme)
But, since Iím such a tease, I wonít finish for you, because this seasonís Happy Ending goes toÖ
Happy Ending Award: Chris Hall (Heavy Hitters)
With an award and recognition so appropriately defined by its name, Hall made for plenty of Heavy Hitter Happy Endings this season. He hit at least 2 clutch 3ís @ the buzzer, one to defeat the Blades and the other the H Town Ballers. A man evocative of Ray Allen, Hall can perform under pressure and would no doubt be the man I got the ball to when I needed a basket. Heís an outstanding gentleman taboot and a pleasure to have in the leagues.
Runners Up: Paul Zermani (Blades), Jon Butler (ODB), Khalid Lakawamalama (Genzyme)
And in to clean up the mess, because as Bfrat so kindly pointed out swallowing is NOT the answer to everything, is the 6th Man of the ìYearîÖ
6th Man Award: Pat Lawson (Genzyme)
Did I ever see Genzyme play? No, not really. Then why is Lawson getting this award? Because someone told me he deserved it. A very trustworthy someone might I add. Besides, I had the pleasure of becoming acquainted with Pat this season grabbing beers at the 9ís and because he can has more legal rights to using 215 First Street, Cambridge, MA as his home address than I do. Iíve seen him play in the Wall Ball, and to be honest Iím quite confused as to why he doesnít start, perhaps Fabry can shed some light on that oneÖ.perhaps there is just too much talent for 5 spots on Genzyme. Whatever the reason, this award has Lawsonís name on it!
Runners Up: Mark Nazzaro (Blades), John Addison (High Noon)
I donít smoke, so after a good release I like to enjoy myself nothing other than a Reeseís Peanut Butter Cup, which lends itself to my next awardÖ
Reeseís Cup Award: Fred Barone (Blades)
No, this does not go to the player who brought me the most candy this season (Kari). Itís just an excuse to give out an award to a player that deserves plenty of recognition, but I simply couldnít find another way to give it to him. Fred Barone is a playerís player. I donít know what that means. What Iím trying to say is that, despite having to play with a bunch of clowns from Saugus, Fred ran the point with precision, proving to be a reliable scorer, an excellent driver putting on display Rondo-esque finishes, and an intelligent playmaker. I hope youíre coming back for the summer Fred, cause youíre a lot of fun to watch!
Ok, now the part you all really wanted that I will now spend the least time on and you will undoubtedly pay the most attention toÖI hate making these selections.
First Team: Billy Durbrow, Andy Herlihy, K-Lid, Mike Koziol, Ramon Salas
Second Team: Justin Adams, Kevin Ostrander, Dan Monahan, Tommy Casey, James Molyneaux
Third Team: Terry Henderson, Neil Krause, Brett LaFlamme, Seth Crockford, Mike Shapiro
All Defensive: Dan Monahan, Kevin Ostrander, Brett LaFlamme, Pete Wilson, Chris Hunter
3 Point Assasins: Paul Zermani, Chris Hall, Jon Butler, K-Lid, Jon Naber
All JBerr Team: Shubert Austin, Justin Smith, Cheese, Chris Hall, Rich Conley