Getting Off In Your Face

Todayís guests are a team that needs no introduction.  I donít normally practice group-interviewing due to my strong Christian monogamist roots, but nonetheless, I will be progressive and give it a shot.  Off In Your Face terrorized the B1 until moving up to hold their own with the big boys in A2, especially against the perennial champs.  In addition, they are one of the few teams brave enough to play every game on Sunday, taunting the Hang-Over Gods mercilessly.  After carrying a few conversations with them, I knew there was too much personality here to just give one of them the limelight so without further adieu, Iím Getting all Off In Your Face.

Gentlemen, it is a pleasure to have you stepping into the Corner…

1.  Please, briefly, give us some background info on yourselves and how you came to CAC.

Rugga: These things always say “I played at the Garden” and “I won states” and “I played D2 ball”.  Well me and D were on a 2-18 high school team our junior year.  If I can rhyme it for a second “I got Khalid El-Amin’s body, and the game of Jon Crotty.”  That felt good.  How I came to CAC: I got an email one day through a friend of a friend to play with what was the first installment of the Radio Flyers (now in B2E)…of course when I was on the Flyers they had me and two women, so basically 3 women…and we won more games in B1 than they did in B2E…what’s up fellas?  WE’VE GOT NEXT.  Roster crowding made me put together a couple of teams of my friends, but I appreciate the Flyers letting me play with them.  Our squad: D – my boy from high school, Cunny and Stifler – buddies from Stonehill, and Polin who I met through my college roommate and has been playing in various leagues with me and Denyse for the last 3 years.

Tical ñ ìRoster Crowding?î  That sounds similar to other euphemisms like ìdown-sizingî or ìnatural breast augmentation.î

Hall: I was recruited by the one and only Rugga.  After a persuasion of booze and 70 year old hookers I agreed.

Tical ñ Sounds exxxxxxxxactly like how my dad told me how he decided to settle down with my mom…Eerie

Denyse: Jeff and I played ball together in High school, I actually tried to fight him one time in a back gym while warming up for a game. He sensed a beat down was coming so he decided to become one of my best friends for the rest of his life. Our teams in high school were bad for a myriad of reasons but my exceptional talent was never one of them.  I’ve played in some leagues in the area that were pretty weak sauce but Rug said the CAC had some divisions that had legitimate players and competition so I was all for that. Plus, any chance I can shit on Rug is a good time and what better time then watching him play hoops.

Rugga: Typical D, he likes to watch.  I sensed a beat down…BS, you were pissed because I’m a scrub and I was lighting you up.  You begged me to teach you about the mythical “left hand” and were pissed I wouldn’t let you show gratitude with your left afterward.

Cunny: I came into the CAC a few times; i have a problem pulling out..i mean pulling up..for three….

 

Polin: Rugga is correct, I met him because his college roommate, Bryan, was a friend of mine that I grew up with. Back in 2006, D-Sac, myself, Rugga and the roommate Bryan, played in a league, after the league ended we told Bryan that we weren’t going to play basketball anymore, but we secretly keep playing (we didn’t want to hurt his feelings) and the team has been improving ever since.

 

Tical – Haha, just like when my prom date told me she couldnít hook up with me because she didnít like boys anymore.  Three wakes later two of my friends tag teamed her like legion of doom style. Whatever happens, donít let Bryan catch you all balliní behind his back or he might start following you home, creepiní outside your bushes…and well, basically anything else my police report said.

2.  How are the Jews responsible for Mel Gibsonís divorce?  They already killed his savior, caused him to get a DUI, and now they caused him to get divorced.  Whatís next, they force him to make the Passion of the Christ II? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q1g2TSZ3fpU

Cunny: or even worse…he stars in Ransom 2…

Hall:  I actually blame the English.  You saw what they did to Mel in Braveheart.  I am 100% sure that they implemented prime nocte on him and his wife when they first got married and for the 20 something years they have been married she has yet to forget that British penis.

Denyse:  What Mel didn’t understand is that you shouldn’t poke at the most powerful tribe of people in our culture.  The mighty Hebrew nation owns Hollywood while also holding every strong law firm and source of cash flow throughout America. Trouble is that they’ve been picked on throughout history so you can’t call them bully’s.

 

Polin: Mel Gibson is a hack and his films are awful.  The historical inaccuracies that can be found in Braveheart, Apocalypto and Gallipoli are astonishing. Furthermore, the Lethal Weapon films are not a realistic portrayal of how LA police detectives go about their business. Finally Cunny is right, Ransom was not a good film, it was so predictable, I saw that ending coming a mile away.

 

Tical ñ Yeah, but he made up for those inaccuracies by accurately predicting what life would be like when gas was the most sought after object in the world in the Road Warrior.  Every time I filled up at the pump over the last 2yrs I could heard Lord Humongous, ìJust walk away…î
3.  Where are Anderson Varejaoís balls? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78LQM9ZzSYQ
I guarantee you Ray Allenís elbow smelled like tuna after the game.
Hall: They are lost in his matching mound of a penis fro.

Denyse:  First of all Varejao has no balls. He went to the Vlade Divac school of flopping. Add that to the ridiculous Side Show Bob hair style and you have one of the most loathsome men in the NBA. The only other guy who fakes a charge with worse acting is Rug.

Rugga: That’s BS, I have a chipped elbow and tooth from the big dude on PGB to prove it.  And I think Stiffy hit that one on the bush.

Cunny: good thing ray had that sleeve on.

 
4. You guys volunteer to play Sundays, regardless of what happens on Saturday night.  Describe the worst hangover any of you had to play through (what did you guys do the night before…bonus points if barn animals are involved btw)

Hall: The worst Sunday hangover I had to deal with unfortunately didnít involve barn animals, but it did include a 35 year old cougar who lived in Braintree that I met at the bell n hand.  It was actually my very first game in the CAC, I was so tired and nervous that I almost puked, but it all worked out in the end.

Rugga: This one is easy.  One beautiful Sunday Cunny and I went to a 1PM Pats game and had been tailgating since 930-10, only to try and play a 6PM game.  The party next to us had a hockey stick with shot glasses fixed to it, and the guy was giving us a mysterious red juice/alcohol shot every minute on the minute with funnels on the half minute.  So needless to say, we show up less than sober, Denyse says I smell like his first time, and we proceed to stink up the joint.  But of course, to make it more interesting we had made a wager of 10 bucks for the first drunk to reach double figures, which only led to me consciously ignoring Cunny on “drunk” breaks to the point that D may have wanted me dead.  Luckily the other guys were on point, and we pulled out the W.  There was no winner to this bet.

Cunny:  While I typically agree with Rugga that that Sunday was legendary and historic. However, I must make two points: First, I reached double digits in Rebounds.  And it’s bullshit that I didn’t get paid on that.  Second, Tical was talking about hangovers not drunken basketball. So as in the words of my hero Stephen, the irishman in Braveheart, “The Almight says don’t change the subject, just answer the focking question!”  So my worst hangover might have been either my first or second game last winter league.  I was dehydrated, flushed, pounding headache, and just overall ill willed.  However, the worst part was the incessant running up and down the court as OIYF tried to establish themselves as a high up tempo offense.  I hit the bathroom 3 times and came back up with an intense irritation and burning sensation.  I think I even couldnít stop the turtle from poking his head out mid stride on a break away.  I don’t remember what I did the night before, but it must have been awwwessome.

 

Denyse: I went to a wedding the day before that featured an amazing open bar with no limitations. I proceeded to try a lovely arrangement of high priced hard liquor for an entire night. Needless to say I blacked out and was last seen throwing the candy from the beautiful candy station at another drunk buddy of mine. In between dry heaves I did manage to play a pretty good game. Probably because I had to shut my mouth and just play ball. I didn’t want to puke on Preston on a random trip up the floor.

Polin: I take CAC basketball seriously, that is why I abstain from drinking during the season, I thought the rest of my team did the same.

 

Rugga: Sidenote The greatest running CAC sub-plot is that Preston has yet to show any outward ill-will towards me or D.

Tical ñ Haha, Pstone is unshakeable.  Dude almost died this season and it still didnít shake him.  He needs to be nick-named the Teflon-Don because nothing sticks to him when he got that whistle.
5.  Do you guys plan on cutting D-Sac next season?  I have reference many times in my write-ups/blogs that statistics show, a player rater ALWAYS substantially drops the season after a player marries or has a kid.
Cunny: I do not want to take part in anything that has to do with cutting and sacs.  and also anything to do with  thin instruments that go in your pee hole.

 

Polin: I think there is some validity to this question, D-Sac has softened up since he got married. I don’t think D-Sac has been kicked out of a game since the wedding…you’ve changed man.

 

Rugga: Polin secretly hates him, but I want to keep him around.  We are probably the only team in any league with two players who heckle each other when they are about to shoot FTs…even in a close/late game.  Plus he is key to the filet-o-fish hex we toss on other teams’ FT shooters, where I stand at half court (or the bench) and say “Give me that fish” and D and Hall chime in with a high pitched “OOOOOOOO” and Polin and Cunny wish they weren’t in the same gym as us.  But most of all you can’t bootBoston’s finest trombonist, who prefers olaying ones with visible signs of rust.

Hall: D-Sac is a necessary beast.  Although he is married, his wife makes him grow out facial hair, so it keeps that bad-assness coming.  I play on his team and I am terrified of what he can do on a weekly basis, married or not.  He is animal of a different classification and gender.

Denyse:  I have actually been married for more than 7 months.  I have had some solid games at the CAC post single life.  I do feel bad the days I’ve had an argument with the wife because I’ll be a little more chippy on court. Might give someone like O’Cal an extra shove because I forgot to take out the trash.

6.  Is Jeremy Schaap the Sasha Vujacic of ESPN?  Basically, heís in the big leagues but you just cant figure out, talent wise, how heís still there?

Rugga: Easy: “Je-ra-meeeee Schaaaaaaaap, EEEEE-S-PPPPP-NNNNNNNN”  His sign off is as weird as his father’s head bob (RIP Dick…that’s Dick Schaap, not something D says to Little D every night post marriage)

Denyse: Im not sure, but I do know that Schaap would be more entertaining if he had Vujacicís greasy ass hair.  Imagine him constantly toying with an oil up mop while asking intense hard hitting questions to ultra serious people. I’d watch that.

Hall:  Jeremy Schaap belongs on the west coast version of sportscenter.

7.  Mixed Martial Arts or Boxing, whatís the preference and why:

Polin: What kind of question is this? I refuse to answer this.

Tical ñ Haha, I only ask because my man Dana White has come under some recent criticism for some derogatory comments.  Just trying to keep my pulse on America.
Denyse: I like MMA because you can imagine that fighting style with two drunks out on a weekend.  Its a beat up the other guy in any way possible kind of fight. If someone clamped another dude in a submission on the sidewalk of a bar because of a fight over some fat chick I’d pay way more than the average pay per view price.

Hall:   MMA, because there is a better chance of some getting the dirty sanchez accidently.

Rugga: Polin v. OíCal!!!  PPV!!!

Tical ñ I donít want any part of Polin Springs.  The one time I tried to drive on him I got stripped like GoGo Dancer.  He owns me.

8.  Dance floor etiquette- whatís a more pimp move:  When you just creep up on a girl from behind and start grindiní on her booty or the creepy lean in to whisper something into her ear and you palm her ass in the process.  (Write Ins acceptable)

Hall:  My go to move is usually the stare down and then the stanky leg:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uptJH_7AlGI&feature=PlayList&p=FB4876FAE6D33BAA&index=0&playnext=1

Denyse: You can do what Rug does and get drunk and stare at a girl until she notices you. Then proceed to ask her if she’ll sleep with you. Its a move that has been unsuccessful for his entire life but its bound to work sooner or later.

Rugga:   The “Brooklyn look” has a slightly higher success rate than my foul shot. (Tical Sidenote ñ copyright to the ìBrooklyn Lookî is owned Rugga’s buddy BR, but Rugga is licensed to use it with no disregard to any female.)

Cunny: The most pimp move at the club is as follows: Order maker’s mark and splash of ginger. stir with straw. drop straw on bar.  turn toward the dance floor.  maintain contact with both elbows on the bar, ankles crossed like rugga’s after tical makes a move to the rim.  locate target.  large group of women (not a group of large women stifler) dancing in some sort of circle.  an oval is good, lets not be picky.  slowly make your move to the circle, drinking enough of your bourbon and ginger so as not to spill it once shit gets ugly.  slither in the middle of the group, touch the floor.  grab each girl’s hand individually and spin them once, pay close attention to each, but not too much where you become committed.  now, you have accomplished to things if you are successful.  you have gotten a good look at each girl individually, front and back side.  second, you have also gotten in with the friends.  they think youre funny.  they think your a gentleman and by gawd, they think you know how to treat a lady.  now you choose your chase and make moves. to hear the list of options again press 1.

 

9.  For marketing purposes, what is your favorite aspect of CAC.

Polin: My favorite aspect of CAC basketball is the stats, mainly my own, I don’t care about anyone else’s stats. I also like watching the highlight reel from the B1 Fall championship on you tube.  

 

Cunny:  The continuous banter, stat keeping, banners of all the champions up until winter 08-09, the girls at the front desk…i mean…

 

Denyse: I like how every team has an identity through their name and players. The running commentary about the games is good for a laugh afterwards while your at home sipping a beer thinking of your current and past atheltic failures.

Hall: Even though I donít see it that much playing on Sundays, its gotta be tibbs hair.

Rugga: Putting names with faces, stat keeping, being heckled from the balcony.  It adds another element when you can plan for an opponent, not just a faceless team name like in other leagues.

Tical – You are wearing the Daddy-pants and get to change/improve something at CAC, what you got ñ
Rugga:  I’d love to see evidence of our championship.  Tibbs has been holding us down.
Denyse: I’d make it 6 fouls to foul out.

Cunny: How about if the refs called travels in CAC like they called them on Lebron…NOT NEVER! (katt williams reference)

Hall: The lone dead spot underneath the bad rim and the fact that the hoops

Rugga:  I personally like the ìdeath plank.î  Someone is eventually going to get shanked, which could be like a 5 pointer.

 

10.  Is HBOís ìEast Bound and Downî the greatest show on TV?  What else is in its league?

Cunny: ìSure, I’ve been called a xenophobe, but the truth is I’m not. I honestly just feel that America’s the best country and all the other countries aren’t as good. That used to be called patriotism.î   As a soldier, thats what Im fucking talking about.

 

Polin: I used to be able to afford HBO, but since I started paying a $140 fee three times a year, HBO just isn’t in my modest budget.

Denyse: I’m partial to anything thatís unintentional humor. Real people who you can not believe exist on this earth are great TV.  Watch the tramps on Rock of Love confess their undying love to a washed up rocker while wearing next to nothing telling people how classy they are…. priceless.
Rugga: I thought a better comedy on HBO last year was “Summer Heights High” if you dig the whole mockumentary thing.

Hall:  NothingÖ everything else is FUCKING OUT!

Tical- Haha, EastBound and Down rivals the Office right now for me.  I hope both shows reach Seinfeld and Simpson (in their prime) status.  Gentlemen, it was a pleasure having you guys step in into the Corner.  If you proceed to the parlor, Mama Tical has prepared punch and pie for your pleasure.  Please, use coasters, bring your manners, but stay out her sugar bowl if you know whatís good for ya.  You may have numbers, but Papa Ticalís Shotty is always within armís length.

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