The Kosher Revival
So as I lay here in bed (roughly 1 AM in East Arlington…not sure if we are in the same time zone as all of the other areas of the New England region), after returning from my semi-drunken stupor from Tommy Doyles, in which I was joined by Dizzy Llamas Orange and Game…Blouses…I reflect upon my evening of Co-Ed League hoops for Week 5…
Not only did I lose 10 pounds tonight in pure water weight due to spending 4 hours in the sweltering heat + humidity conditions of the Kings School gymnasium…but I got to learn the true JZuk feelings of a very special woman who balls it out with WOMS…yes folks, we are talking about the very lovely Heather (Heather this was as bold as I could get the font…is this ok????…please let me know).
So it all started in the boy’s locker room (the setting for many of my life lessons)…
Because I consumed the equivalent of the Charles River’s volume in water during the first 2 games of the night (just to stay hydrated and on top of my score keeping game), I had to answer nature’s call prior to the tip off of the Weapons of Mass Seduction vs. Thank you Jagermeister…
Just as I was draining the lizard and, finally, shakin’ the tail feathers off, showing his truecreep mode colors, Mr. Baaaaaaaaaston walks in the restroom (note that the dude did not actually visit the boy’s room to use any of its facilities). Rather than sanitizing his hands, and, therefore, being a truly good Samaritan in an attempt to cut down on his chances of spreading disease to his opponents and even his teammates, Harold gets straight to the point:
Harold: “Zuk, you in here?!”
JZuk: “Um…yeah (in a squeamish tone).”
Harold: “yeah bro…I just wanted to let you know that Heather really wants to be included in the game write up for this week…she has been a little upset that she has not read about herself lately…it really makes her life hard…”
JZuk: “um…what? (in a quivering and shaky voice….c’mon people I’m right in the middle of jigglin’ – give me a f’ing break!)…are you serious – she actually told you that!?”
Harold: “Ha ha ha…naw man….um….gasp! Wow – I guess it is true what they say about the Jewish men! – The bigger the dreidel…the bigger the….”
JZuk: “Dude, seriously just stop right there…I’ll do what I can for Heather…I really can’t believe she said that…wow.”
Ok so while this was the best game of the night I will be sure to feature its recreation as best I can in the write up section for Co-Ed…but for now I am focusing on Heather…I want her name to be bolded in this little mini-write-up part 1 for WOMS so many times that she can’t stand it! I even called up Mr. Baaaaaaston around 12:30 AM to ask if I should just post HEATHER HEATHER HEATHER HEATHER…etc etc….as an entire write up – but you know, as the booze hits me deeper and deeper I figured I should just roll with it baby and push it to the limit!
So I shook off the entirety of Harold’s awkward Heather intervention conversation and really did not take anything away from it…but I was sorely reminded during the WOMS overtime play…
I must have been dozing off due to the sleeping bag conditions of the gym when all of a sudden JZuk is given a rude awakening…
I am minding my P’s and Q’s and out of nowhere Heather comes sprinting down the side line and says in a sarcastic, but whole-hearted manner to me: “you got that block right!!!???”
And, seriously I am like “WOMAN, what did you just say to JZuk?????!!!!!”
While a fight between Heather and JZuk would be the source for another Lord of the Rings hobbit adventure or, better yet, a modern rendition of David and Goliath, I decided to hold back my rampage and obviously save it for something MUCH MUCH better (this write up mother f’ers!!!!!)
(Like I said I will be going back in to this post [co-ed write up section] to write about the game in much greater detail…so just stay with me here people)
Much much later in the evening, during the mid-second half of game 4, I see Sara and Heather coming back for more…and I am thinking to myself how much I enjoy this ratio…ahhhhh yeah boiiiii!
I come to discover that Heather is on top of her sh!t….she informs me that she locked her keys in her car and was waiting for AAA…f’ing brilliant!
She then manages to look over the stat line and reminds me of her rookie mistake earlier in the night:
Heather: “Oh…you did get my block!!!! (in a voice of glee)”
JZuk: “yeah I wanted to make sure I got it…I heard that you have been feeling a bit left out lately with your team’s write ups…”
and then my friends, the beast was unleashed
Heather: “Well no..no…but I mean, I NEVER SEE MY NAME ON ANYTHING….I, LIKE, DO NOT EVEN GET MY NAME BOLDED….JUST THESE PAST FEW WEEKS I HAD SIMILAR STAT LINES TO SARA AND SHE GETS MENTIONED IN THE WRITE UPS AND I DON’T! WHAT GIVES….GEEZ I WISH HE WOULD JUST CALL ME ALREADY…GAAAAAAAAAAH!”
Heather: ARE THERE LIKE SPECIAL FAVORS OR SOMETHING ONE NEEDS TO GIVE TO GET IN THESE WRITE UPS…I JUST DON’T GET IT”
Now can you all believe that JZuk handled Heather’s rhetorical question with tact and class???!!!…thank God it was not asked an hour ago or else I would have a Heather hand print on the side of my face!
JZuk: “No favors necessary (LIE!!!! All LIES!!!!) I will do my best to get you involved Heather and I am sorry for having left you out previously in my recollections of WOMS glory…”
So, in short, Heather, this one goes out to you as this is my formal and public apology to you for not giving you the star power press you truly deserve…
I hope I have filled your internet basketball write up ego for many moons….may AAA have served you well tonight…may your car always be locked and unlocked at your will…and may you sleep well tonight…God Bless.