HOUSTON – WE HAVE FINALLY SOLVED YOUR PROBLEM

WOLVERINE TRAP/T’CAL CORNER FINAL COLLABORATION

Wolverine: I know that many of you new school CACers have no idea who we are, so in the immortal words of Digital Underground, allow us to introduce ourselves…

O’Cal:  I am CAC’s version of Van Wilder.  Took me 12 years to graduate from the school of CAC, but it’s time to grow up, move on, and try to land a rich oil heiress for a bride.

Wolverine: And I am a 1st ballot CAC Hall-of-Famer, but you wouldn’t know it because the HOF page must have gotten stolen by the TSA on its way through screening.

O’Cal:     Over the past few years, we’ve shared more than just the same job, women, and good times so it shouldn’t surprise you that I remind everyone that you are also a 1st ballot CAC Spin Instructor Hall-of-Famer.  Which reminds me, any way you got some room in your class?  I got to tighten up my glutes if I’m going to land that oil heiress bride.

Wolverine: Just keep doing your abdominal workouts b/c it gets the ladies going in the right direction. We are also “first banner” guys who between us we have over 20 CRFC/CAC titles! Granted you have 15 of them, but still…

O’Cal:  Haha, I don’t think I have 15, but let’s just say I’m glad no one brings up the fact that it probably took me 10 times the amount of games to win the championships that I have.  But let’s just give the newer school CACers a taste of the old country with this blog.

Wolverine:  Tibbs said he wasn’t sure we could pull this blog off given our advanced ages, but I am on a weekly regimen of pomegranate juice, so I am good.

O’Cal:  I still blend in a baby fetus or two in my daily whey protein shake so I am more than capable to tackling this task.

Wolverine: Speaking of Tibbs, let’s take a moment to bash him. Or maybe a few moments.

O’Cal: If I have learned one thing about working at CAC it’s that there are always going to be plenty of people to bash Tibbs, so I will leave that task to those who have more at stake than someone high-tailing it to Texas.  You got any recent Tibbs induced beefs?

Wolverine: He sent out an email announcing your move to Houston and said we should forward it to anyone he may have left off the distribution list. We had the following gem of an exchange:

Wolverine: Tibbs, you said to pass this email along to people you may have missed. But you hid all the people that you sent it to, so how am I supposed to know who you missed?

Tibbs: I did that so people couldn’t “reply all.”

Wolverine: That wasn’t my question. My question was how am I supposed to know who you missed if you hid the recipients?

Tibbs: It was more of a general statement.

Wolverine: WTF does that mean? Can you say equivalency diploma? I am surprised he didn’t tell me that “it is what it is” or use some other lame Belichick expression.

O’Cal:  In all honesty, it sounds like the problem is the problem itself.  But enough about Tibbs, this is my last hoorah so let’s focus here.

Wolverine: Agreed. Your move to Houston is imminent. Why are you moving? Was the Malden crime scene just too soft for you?

O’Cal:  Heard everything was bigger in Texas and am looking forward to shaking my Irish Curse.  You have any Texas stories to help me adjust to my new surroundings?

Wolverine: All my exes live in Texas.  Do you think Finn, Ripley, and Macho will be able to handle the 281 when they come to visit?

O’Cal: I believe the 281 is Blue Steel and Coat Check friendly, so me and Macho will be able to find some fun and as long as the 281 has bigger cots in their jails than Newport, me and the Fizzle will be happier spooning on our inevitable “over-nighter.”   Also, I can foresee another Ripley Stable opening up in the Houston area where all the horses are well watered, well ridden, well knuckled and routinely lied to.

Wolverine: Yet, the horses seem to love every minute of it. I guess Stockholm Syndrome can be transferred to equines. Worse person from Houston – Roger Clemens or David Koresh?

O’Cal: Easily Clemens.  I mean, there wasn’t a congressional hearing on WACO.  Wait, were you there?  You were probably about 30 when WACO happened, was there a congressional hearing?

Wolverine: I am not here to talk about the past. Did you ever think it was a “big problem” that airplane windows don’t roll down?

O’Cal: I thought the bigger problem was the crabs scare in mile high club back in 2004.  With all the preventative measures taken by TSA, still don’t know how they got on the plane.  I guess this was before the body scans.

Wolverine: Wait, is that Bermont? I haven’t been to the CAC in over two years. What has changed? Are all the stats still inflated by a multiple of 1.5 (sorry everyone, but you did know that, right?)

O’Cal: Whoa, spoiler alert.  We were saving that little tidbit for the 20 year anniversary documentary, “Behind the CAC, There’s More Than Balls.”  The only change that I noticed recently was that someone spackled over the glory hole I made into the women’s locker room when I was 16.  I’m not angry, again, just wish that changes at CAC were adequately communicated.

Wolverine: When was the last time you received a standing ovation as a CAC ref?

O’Cal: I don’t know, when was the last time you saw a unicorn make love to a yeti? I got a better question for you, when’s the last time you got a call right?

Wolverine: Giving Mazzone a technical in his 1st CAC game back in 2004 for mouthing off.  Will you miss Josh consistently shorting you on your paycheck?

O’Cal: You would have to receive a paycheck to be shorted.  I didn’t know we got shorted?  My paycheck’s deductions looked the same each week – FICA, Social Security, Medicare, College Fund for Employer’s Child.  Just your standard stuff I thought.

Wolverine: Ha – and don’t forget condo fees. What will happen to the Big Nice franchise now that you are moving away? 

O’Cal: Oh, man, I’m going to miss those guys, but the Big Nice is bigger than any one person.  I’m sure they will carry on and continue to rack up championships and probably find someone who knows that a turnover is not just an assist to the other team.

Wolverine: From his Facebook posts, it appears that Mazzone’s only concern now seems to be finding that perfect mountain scene from Poland Springs bottles. What did you do to him?

O’Cal: Mazz and I have always had an uneasy symbiotic relationship.  Sort of a King Arthur and Lancelot thing.  Sort of a Big Toe and Second Toe that thinks it’s bigger than the Big Toe.  Very complicated stuff.  But I always stand by Mazz’s lifestyle choices.  If he wants to be off backpacking through Brokeback Mountain with the Lighthouse Bermont snapping mountain photos and herding sheep, I fully support him.

Wolverine: You have remained adamant opponent of joining Facebook. What do you have against Zuckerberg? Are you an anti-dentite?

O’Cal: Haha, no, I would never admit to being an anti-dentite.  I hate on everyone equally, but this ever simmering debate over me getting a Facebook account has erupted into a volcanic dispute amongst my friends now that I will be 2,000 miles away.  I keep telling everyone that if they want me they can still hit me up on AIM instant messenger.  Not my fault you people sold out to corporate America and are addicted to suckling from Zuckerberg’s social network teat, but you have always known me to be a reasonable, logical gentleman.  In 100 words or less, make the case that I should get a Facebook account:

Wolverine: I can do it in two words – mind share. Have you ever strapped a dog to the roof of a car and thought “hey, this works out perfectly”?

O’Cal: No way.  If anyone is imitating the scene from Teen Wolf, it’s going to be me and not my dog.

Wolverine: So that is where Romney got the idea! And you know I prefer felines. Ok, Celts @ Rockets on 12/14– see you there?

O’Cal:  Haha, first thing I did when I got the news I was off to Houston was to look up when the C’s were in town.  Yes, the four horsemen of CAC should ride into the Houston Toyota Center, me, you, BRip, and whoever else I see on the way in.  Stupid Jeremy Lin probably drove up the ticket prices to something astronomical like $10 now.  Can’t wait till KG dunks on him.

O’Cal:  I am out of here and going to be living in a foreign land for the first time in my not so young life.  As I have always thought of you as my much, much older brother, please give me some pearls of wisdom before I depart for Texas.

Wolverine: If you want to stay thirsty, then stay single, my friend. 

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