I think we’re all hurtin a bit today, mourning the Red Sox season ending loss last night. There will be no World Series for Boston this year, so I offer you this in consolation to relive the good moments, and as always give you a laugh at my expense.
Sh!t Outta Luck
I get an email circa 10:30 Thursday morning soliciting me to cover one of the CAC games. Another lucky bastard’s got tickets for the Sox tonight and wants meeee to cover his ass while he is out enjoying the game. He is now the second person I have to inform that I am ALREADY covering someone else for that same reason and that I also have my own game to play in. I don’t know who’s more pissed, me or him? Not only will I not be at the game, but I won’t even be able to watch it until almost 11:00pm (Ölittle did I know).
Like the loyal Red Sox fan & despicable employee that I am, I say the same thing I said to the first person who asked me to cover for him, “Screw Tibbs, we’re talking a do or die Red Sox play-off game vs. working a rec bball gameóthere’s no decision to be made, GO TO THE GAME!!!” Because that’s what I would do. After apologizing again that I am already covering, I off-handedly suggest asking Wolverine. A long-shot, no doubt, which of course he’d have to run by Delilah, but what better could he possibly be doing on a Thursday night other than polishing his wHistle and practicing the hand motions for offensive fouls & technicals?
You Can’t Be Serious? No, YOU can’t be serious!!!
(Abby, if you’re reading this, I am more than just grammatically ecstatic)
My proposal is countered with, ìWell, I’ve got 2 tickets. We could screw Tibbetts over.î
Being the sinister lil representative of the Root of All Evil that I am, I part sincerely but mostly in jest suggest, ì2 tickets? Your treat? Great! I’ll buy the hotdogs!!î Now, I’m never taken seriously and it would be a hell of a time for someone to start doing so, so I’m really not expecting a response that validates 1 word of what I said, other than maybe ìhot dog.î
Astonishingly, I am assured that of course I would be treated and then, suddenly, the gates of hell were blasted open and the devil emerged, sliding his offer across the table, ìbut you can’t be serious?î
At this point I knew my life was about to change forever. We are all faced with decisions in our lives that we know once made, we can never turn back from. Like Judas, Ted Kazinski and Caitlin Vestal before me, it was my turn to cha-cha with destiny, tango with fate, spin that big wHeel in the sky and pray for a YAHTZEE!
It was in this moment that I made the conscious decision to sell my soul, as any loyal member of Red Sox Nation would, no matter the moral and reputationally damaging costÖ
ìIím like so dead serious!!!!!!î
And with that I had signed on the dotted line with blood, as I blithely watched my once winged-soul descending.
Just like my boy Usher, I had to tell it all. But, unlike him, I wasnít looking for forgiveness. For my redemption, I needed something more, something miraculous, something that would make this all worthwhileÖa RED SOX WIN!
First off, I had to deal with Tibbs. In order to perpetuate the charade that I ìtake him seriouslyî as a (holding back laughter) ìsuperiorî I knew that I needed to cautiously ask permission to bail out of the 2 games that I had agreed to cover. Being just 1 of a handful of people in the same predicament, I knew this was not going to be easy. As expected, I was told that I needed to find someone to cover my games, but then Tibbs started asking questions. How did I score tickets, who was I going with, why wouldnít I tell him??? He wanted answers to all of these, but I wasnít budging.
Forego my reputation, self-worth and what little scrap of dignity I still had so easily? Out of the question!
I let him play the name game, entertaining his guesses and emphasizing that I had put my very soul on the line for these tickets, but even he wouldnít suspect that I would venture so low.
As if the bargain I had already made wasnít damaging enough, Tibbs threw another proposition my way, tell him who I was going with and he would get a cover for my games. It sounded reasonable enough, but when it came down to actually admitting in front of a witness who I was going with I suddenly became physically incapable
Finally, I held my breath, closed my eyes and ceded the information which was received with abundant laughter and perhaps a sliver of shock. But nonetheless it was official! I was going to the game and AK, the man who is somehow involved in all of my follies, would be covering my games for me.
Now that I was covered, I had to admit to my team, the girls who just an hour ago I revved up in an email about not being able to wait to play and kicking the other teamís ass, that not only would I not be suiting up for the battle but also leaving them with no subs. Despicable employee, even more despicable teammateófor shame! The following is what I sentÖ
girls, i have a confession. I just scored tix to the sox game (sold my soul really) and I am honoring my loyalty to red sox nation over pink ninja nation. i hope you will all forgive me. Good luck tonight!!
So hurt were they that nary a response I received. Later that night I did get a text message from Callie informing me that we lost, suddenly planting this belief in my head that I was my teamís MVPÖand quite possibly even the leagueís. This is what most psychiatrists refer to as ìdelusions of grandeur.î I also may or may not have told Callie to say hi to her brother for me (looking sheepish).
If you donít got MasterCard
Here I am going to game 5 of the ALCS with the Sox up against the wall with not a fleck of Red Sox apparel on me. Never mind a pivotal play-off game, this is unacceptable during any game of the season, no exceptions.
I reason with myself that I wasnít paying for the tickets and therefore can guiltlessly shop for a few bargain novelty items. Who knows, maybe I could even get them expensed by my ìsuitorîÖ?
At lunch time I shuffle out excitedly to make my purchases:
Boston Red Sox Hat (because god knows I donít have enough of these) Ö.$14.00
Boston Red Sox SweatshirtÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖ$25.00
Jeans (a lucky bargain find)…ÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖ$19.99
Red Sox Thong (because I just never know where the night will take me)ÖJOKE!!!!
Watching Big Papiís 3-run homer sail directly over my headÖÖÖÖÖ..PRICELESS
For everything else thereís the guy whoís already willing to spend the amount of a ticket on me.
The Hot Dog Theorem
Caitlin & Tibbs spare me no humiliation throughout the day. I shush them saying, whatís the big deaaaaaal? So whaaaaaat he said he wanted to see my hot dog tricks live? Whooo caaaaares that he virtually ëwinkedí at me?
The truth of the matter is, Hannibal Lector could have invited me to the game with him and I would have graciously accepted, but certainly not under the auspices that it was a date! After all, I value my liver, brain, kidney, flesh and in todayís actual circumstances, my reputation. I would be going for the love of my boys Papi, Drew, Yoooooouk, PedroiaÖetc, but certainly no one else.
But then suddenly there was a limo, a $130.00 tab, 2 more $30.00 tabs and my doubts began to swell. Am I being wined and dined?? Maybe Caitlin was right, but who is she to make accusations I didnít see her trying to fight her way out of the limo, or arguing to pay the $130.00ís worth of wings & pitchers. Ohhhh no, she and Tibbs were enjoying them as much as I was enjoying their sidekickery.
Finally, all of my doubts were quelled, as I put my suspicions to the ultimate test. It all came down to the hot dogsÖ2 of those delicious little tubes of meat smothered in ketchup & mustard and I was CONFIDENT that this was not a date. Why, might you ask? Because I paid for them, which clearly negates the wine and dine theory! Feeling much better about myself I order up 2 moreÖtotaling 4 on the night. Iím feeling pretty damn good about myself.
A Miracle @ Fenway Park
As it turns out, down 7 runs in the 7th inning the Boston Red Sox make the one of the greatest comebacks in baseball history, eclipsed only by the Philadelphia A’s rallying from 8-0 down to beat the Cubs in the 1929 World Series, scoring 8 runs in 3 innings to overtake the Rays. After all of the fair-weather fans had cleared out (Mike D. your friend Murph should be ashamed for leaving!!) the tried and true fans began to rise in anticipation of the miracle they were about to witness.
Big Papi kicked things off crackiní one right over my head and JD Drew stepped up to do it again in the following inning. I roared with the crowd as I saw the ball rising towards me and then sailing over my head. Things only got better as Crisp forced a 10 pitch at bat, scoring Kotsay on a single he blasted to tie things up. And just when Red Sox Nation wanted needed to believe the most, Youuuuuk miraculously got on base with a Longoria error. With 2 outs, that was just too close for comfort. Bay then gets intentionally walked and itís all up to J.D. Drew, a guy who Iíve always had faith in and otherís have doubted (see question 7: http://www.crfcbasketball.com/tcorner.php?newsid=166).
Drew connects with the ball and sends it whaling into right field where it drops right in front of me, and unfortunately for Gross right behind him.
The Red Sox do it again!!!!
The Moral of the Story
I got everything I could have possibly wanted and more. Who needs a soul when youíve been witness to one of the greatest games in baseball history?! No doubt an instant classic that I can share with my nieces and nephews one day, cause god knows I wonít be beariní any cherubs of my own.
So was it worth it? You better freakiní believe it. I suppose the repercussions have not even been felt yet as I have yet to show my face @ CAC since the game, not out of shame but out of having such a lavish & fabulous life! I did receive some amusing texts over the weekend, but I amount those to nothing but jealousy.
When it comes down to it, if you pay for your own hot dogs then it ainít a date. Furthermore, thereís absolutely nothing too immoral, shaming or otherwise deprave that you can do to come into possession of Red Sox play-off tickets.
Itís just a shame they lost last night.