It’s a Celebration Bitches…

Well, well, well, it took a while but the kid is back in the winners circle, getting straight Aís (A1 & A2 titles) for the first time since I was taking phonics, fractions and recess.  Everyone knows that winning has its costs: The parades, endorsements, the special guest appearances on Cambridge Public Access.  However, that stuff isnít for another few weeks, so you canít blame a man for wanting immediate gratification.  Where else does my Wednesday night lead me to, but the Cougar Den after a repeat in A2.

9:10  I roll up and cough up a 10 spot for the 3 dollar cover.  The bouncer hands me all my change in ones before I ask him if there are any gentlemenís clubs in C-Town.  He tells me to go to Everett, but címon the only time I ever step foot in Everett is if I need another cycle of roids or if Spinnneyís throwing a party at Paulie Gís.

9:11  Special Wed Nite guest appearance by the Sergen and Macho.  Oh yeah, I canít wait to rip into Macho for his ìupsetî comment about the Love Explosion and his facial hair, but before I can drop the hammer, the Sergen hands me a corona.  Lime always calms me down.

9:12  The heart and soul of the Big Nice are here:  Fizzle is split-end deep inside the Miller Light filled, lead poisoning causing, Golden Pitcher.  Dr. Everything is all snazzed up, trying to stir the pot with me and Macho.  Mazz is in his seatÖ.busyÖ, as he usually is at the Den.  Missing:  Voz with the woman, and CPW is en route.

9:13  The Hot Pots are representing, and JBís shirt apparently has sea turtles that glow in the dark.  I believe she hears the line, ìSo why donít we go back to my place and see if those turtles really glow in the dark,î at least 33 times by 33 different drunken predators.  Donít know how she resisted all the slurring charm.

Erin is slugging down a lethal combo of water and beer like sheís at an over 50 Softball game in the summer.

9:14  ICU (Urqhart) and his C-Town connection are representing at the next table over, silently damming, ìThere goes the neighborhood,î as fellow CACers continue to invade the once chill spot.

9:17  I have to open my own tab and cringe because Danny Ryan isnít behind the bar.  I hate paying full price.

9:30  Me and Macho bury the hatchet over imported beer.  Well, Iím drinkiní Corona so at least smuggled beer.

9:45 Just like seeing the fin in Jaws, I see the MixTape dart (more like a quick zig-zag) by the front door before I can call out to get him over to our table.

9:58  CPW struts in like Travolta in Saturday Night Fever with his tailor made threads, while I look like Vinny Barbarino with my sleek and slender formal white plain T-shirt.  Just like a kid in his first candy store, CPWís eyeís light up like a Christmas tree as he tells me, ìSo this the Warren Tavern huh?î

10:03:  The Megster gives me BRipís number to call him, but heís already asleep dreaming of me.

10:09  The MixTape tells me has go home when he finally makes his rounds to me, but I aint hearing it, and somehow convince him to stay, even though I am pretty sure all I said was ìHey Mike-î  Mike cuts me off, ìOk Ocal, Iíll stay.î  I call him Ms. Cleo for reading my mind.

10:15  I let my hair down and hit the dance floor to cut some rug.  Unfortunately, as D-Mac can attest to, I dance like Carlton from Fresh Prince

10:30  The band takes a 30 minute break and the Den puts on JAMN in the background I think.  I donít care what anyone says, AKON sounds like he got baby nuts.

11:01  Trevor really really really likes clapping for the band when they come backÖ

11:02  I run into Womenís League MVP Caitlin Pack a Vest(al) and her friend Erin from the B league.  Caitlin is telling me I am the best ref in the league.  Obviously, the combination of alcohol and her thinking that I will be reffing her playoff game is leading to the love fest, but I am too smart to fall for it, but too shallow to inform her I wonít be reffing the game.  Hey, a ref needs to feel loved sometimes.

11:05  CPW is getting sexually assaulted on the dance floor and is begging one of his teammates to bail him out.  I am definitely not brave enough to tangle with a cougar that the much larger CPW is having a hard time taming.

11:09  I think I hear someone say Benza, but they were just talking about MENSA.  Right there, I miss Arnie and wonder why anyone in this place would even know what MENSA is.

11:10  The MixTape showed me his magic trick.  As I was going to the bathroom, I noticed somehow Mike ended up with 3 Poons (the beer, get your mind out the gutter).  He gives me a smile as I walk past him. However, when I get back, the beers are all but gone.  Now Mike could have poured the beers over him, but seeing as how the Cougar Den is about 110 degrees, Iím sure thatís just sweat and he put the Poons away the ole fashioned way.  Now, I call him Houdini just like in Shallow Hal when Gweneth throws Jack Black the enormous set of granny panties.

11:11  I didnít make a wish, but if I could do it all over again I would have wished for Lojack to put on my beer.  Tibbs makes his grand entrance, with the stink of losery emulating from his pasty pores.  Heís not sitting next to me for more than a minute until I realize he ganked my beer.  Now, although I didnít ìcallî my beer, I thought the ìmy germsî standards were in use, but as I have come to realize, at the Cougar Den, its kill or be killed. Itís like Thunderdome up in this place.

11:12 ñ Last Call = A little bit of socially responsible drinkingÖFizzleís AKA Freddie Nippleís skin begins to look like the jaundice is setting in from drinking out of that pitcher.  Mazz must be in the MazZone somewhere because I can’t find him.  The good Dr. had to make a run to the airport and CPW has a second lease on life after escaping the clutches of a deadly dance floor predator.

1:00  I get home, alone, and feel somewhat disappointed the king has no queen, but suddenly, a familiar, enticing aroma beckons me to the kitchen before I can hit my room, where my race-car bed with leopard sheets is calling me.  There, on the kitchen counter, lies the answer to the itch I feel I need to scratch.  Oh, yeah, mama OCal made one fatal mistake:  She left an apple pie out in the open.  15 seconds in the mic and all I got to do is leave a note to Moms telling her I ate the whole thangÖ

 

The Summer of the Big Nice Love Explosion was very good to me and the celebration was even better.  Well done by everyone, well done.