Dear 5v5 B,
If youíre reading this letter than you already know. Iíve been replaced. My lines. My write-ups. Everything. Iím at the Comfort Inn. Room 112. Please knock before entering, <3 JBerr.
Itís not you, itís me (read Josh). While our intimate and surly tryst has brought nothing but pleasure and complete satisfaction to me, the time has come for JBerr to move on. No, NoÖnot to bigger and better things (although, donít listen to what they tell youósize DOES matter) just to more convenient and less demanding things. I couldnít handle the commitment or please you the way you deserved. Besides, I figured it would be less heartbreaking for me to leave you before I got left. Ultimately, the time would come where something more important came into your life, and we all know how good I am at not being #1.
As a consolation, I figured Iíd give you one last sympathy stroke for the road and get you all off to an EXPLOSIVE start to some Summer í09 CAC lovins.
Thatís right, itís your first ever PRE-season PRE-view.
#1 Big Nice
Former A Leaguers complete with an all-star cast of jort-wearin, crazy-haired, 3 point sluggin, bad-ass reffin, best reboundin, sexiest mother lovin sons a bitches shouldnít expect to face any team in this league they canít handle. The only reason they are in the B division is because now that heís no longer a student, OCal canít afford the health insurance he would inevitably need after gettin beat up from the big boys over in the A league.
#2 Half Priced Apps
Ha! Donít let the Blades fool you! They are still homos! Theyíre hiding out under a different name with some very new and notable roster additions. Sure, itís Chiseís first return since his LOA, but an All-American is an All-American. After all, they donít call him The Franchise for nothing. KO is coming off a bad season, but I expect a bounce back especially now that Hunter is healthy and Zís not coaching this season.
They added Billet.
Really, Need I say more? The Dolla Dolla Billet is the best PG @ CAC and probably the most exciting player to watch. He makes everyone around him play better, and with an already talented roster, this group will be a dominating force in the league. Additionally I think theyíve got some debts to collect from last season.
Mmmmm, yeaaaah. This one is easy too. The Rolls Royce has downshifted, making his much expected return to the B. Donít tell me you didnít miss the total domination, Royce. Besides, heís still out for the D-Poy award I allegedly robbed him of. Thereís a reason Kip West won GM of the year 2 seasons ago and heís back to prove why. I recognize the familiar A1 names that now litter your roster. Consider yourselves called OUT!!!
#5 High Noon
Say Whaaaa?! Returning Champs ranked 5th?! What is this bullshit?? Say it ainít sooo-Oooo-Ooo. I know, I know. No respect. I apologizeÖ But, I ran the numbers and, like Shakiraís Hips, they donít lie. Youíll all get over it and you wont hate me forever. With a 100% retensh rate including Ramon Noodlesó last seasons RoY, and a defensive BEAST like the Bearded Avenger along with some hopeful additions, I expect a fight out of these guys, who I know will be out gunnin to prove a bitch wrong.
#6 The Corporation
Making their big return to the East, probably because they missed me so much, The Corporation should be able to sniff their way to the top. They know how to get the job done and should probably feel slighted by my ìcold shoulderî 6th place slot. But, with all of the emerging talent in this league do Mugar, Riordan, Pape, Smith & Farnsworth still have what it takes? It will be interesting to see how their reputation holds up in new times.
#7 Heavy Hitters
And the disrespect continues to mount, but despite the 8th place ranking, at least Hallsy will be saving himself a few extra bones a week on all the Reeseís he now doesnít have to buy (donít bother briging the scorekeepers this season, they should be bribing YOU). I probably owe you guys the biggest apology of all for luring you back into the league for the summer only to abandon youówhat can I say? Iím a tease. With the leagues current MVP, Herlihy, buried deep in the seedings I wouldnít be writing off HH just yet. At any moment Hallsy could BOMB a 3 down your throat at the Buzzer after Tommy Casey picks your pocket before you even know what happened.
#8 Cold Blooded
With a thinned down, summer toned roster Iím not sure where Cold Bloodedís offense is going to come from this season. Iím hoping Watchel plans to show with some more consistency this season, where are your priorities, man?? Phil Lord definitely knows what heís doing and having snipers like Nim on your side never hurt, but until this team shows up theyíve got a lot to prove. No, not to me. To whatever sloppy second, pan-handling, quasi-professional they have covering your games. Just remember, JBerr had you first.
#9 Running Rebels
Athletically talented and assembled by one of CACís most reputed sandbaggers, itís surprising that RR drops all the way down to 9th in the rankings. Problem here is consistency as well as the ability to finish. They hustle harder than anyone and they can jump, dunk and shoot the lights out, but they struggled to close it out last season and I know you didnít just drop all that cash for a number and a kiss goodnight on the cheek.
BUCKETS! LiL WiLL and his crew of hooligans always know how to stir things up on the court. With a small stature and a lighting first step, Willie Jones is the Rajon Rondo of CTown and will hopefully carry these boys to some wins this season. My only concerns are that the roster looks small, and in this league playing without a sub in the sweltering, sticky, dripping gyms will have you sprung faster than usual. Always pack an extra.
#11 Slow Dance Mondays
Youíve gotta love these guys! Organized by Danny Ryan, The Worldís Best Bartender, theyíre more fossilized than T-Rex, but they offer just as much bite. Competitive and aggressive, this group of old school CTown hustlers always leave it all on the floor. If you donít jump ahead of them early into the second half consider yourself in trouble. While they may not come away with a lot of winís, they are INFAMOUS for dashing play-off hopes late in the season because they always play with nothing to lose.