JZuk’s B2South Winter 2010 Season Awards

B2South,

What a journey it has been for both me, as staff, and all of you as my minions.

Before I get in to the thick of the awards, I would like to, again, take this opportunity to thank each and everyone of you for making my first season as a scorer at the CAC a sh!t ton of fun.

I definitely struck gold with you all as my test guinea pigs to slice and dice. Everyone took my typed and verbal assaults like true receivers, and I’m glad I could make some of your work days a little bit more bearable by throwing some humor your way.

Thank you all for the great feedback on the write ups and “job” performance reviews – whether you have informed me, personally, or have sent feedback to the Gingerfied cess-pool who goes by the names of Tibbs.

The season was great! Weekly, each and every team showed up to play in their own definition of the word “play.” Whether it was:

Cold Turkey players camping out in lawn chairs, lighting doobies behind the 3–point line

Serenity Now attempting to get their heart rates beyond 80 bpm while maintaining a healthy urinal flow

CAC-N-Ballers growing locks of love from their collective mangina bushes as they took home 1 win on the season!

•I’m Nasty’s consistent confusion with the fact that they were playing basketball and not death tackle football, all the while talking the most hilarious smack in the league

Tummy Sticks guys attempts to convince all that penis games can be a legit past-time

Infinite Hoops showing me that little white dudes have hoop dreams of diamonds and rubies.

Cha-Ching dudes proving my life long point that no one cares about personality – it’s all about performance (that one goes out to all the lady folks)

C4NT chumps portraying the need for me to inform CAC basketball operations that there may be a need for an on-call sports psychologist for the leagues….how do you go from an uncontested collective 40% 3PM to less than %10 in the flip of a dime?!

Alright guys…here is what we all have been waiting for…

JZuk’s B2South Winter 2010 Season Awards:

MVPRyan Ouellette (Cha-Ching)

If anyone has beef with this selection then you are a mental midget of all sorts. While most other staff sweat over the delegation of MVP for their respective leagues, this was a no-brainer for me.

Let’s check out Ouellette’s numbers:

PR: 66.00 (1st) – This is through all 9 games of the regular season

ppg: 26.56 (2nd)

rpg: 13.33 (2nd)

apg: 4.33 (3rd)

3P%: 51%

Ouellette may be an idiot savant of some sorts because I have only heard him speak maybe 3 words this season, but in actuality a majority of you could learn a few of this man’s habits. Less talk More walk!

Ryan has been an uncontested force all season long – he brings dominance to Cha-Ching and chaos to his opponents. He has one of the best jump shots in the B2S game, has a superior basketball IQ – there is not one moment in a game in which Ouellette is not in control of his basketball abilities…he even has a point guard intellect to improve all of those around him andOuellette only takes smart shots and is a beast in the post. He has a great finish and knows how to use the glass like a pro.

Ouellette, hats off to you, you are the B2South Winter 2010 MVP. Have your teammates buy you some drinks or at least rent you a copy of Rain Man as you may find a lot in common with the main character.

Runners Up:

Mike Kuzdeba (Cha Ching) – sickest point guard in B2South. He almost averages a triple double per game. Best assist man in the league.
Jeff Augustyn (Infinite Hoops) – you would never know this guy could play ball, but by the time you would have found out he would have already dropped his 30 points. Augustyn was automatic from all over the court as no one had an answer on defense. He also hustled like crazy as he averaged almost 13 total boards a game to go along with his 28 points a game. His MVP contention was shot down by his limited attendance to only 5gp.
Ryan “Street” Vanderstreet (Tummy Sticks) – dude has unreal penetration skills (that’s what she said) in the lane. He shoots the 3 ball with the best of them and is fun to watch as he proves that a beer belly can’t hold nobody down.
Bob “V-Man” Viercinski (I’m Nasty) – No one can deny V-Man’s intensity and hustle. He was dropping close to 16 ppg while nabbing 14 boards. In his final 2 games prior to playoffs he posted 20+ points and 20+ boards!

RoMFY (rookie of the mother f’ing year):

Harold “Mr. Baaaaaaaaaaaaston” Smith (Cold Turkey)

Harry may not be a rookie to CAC, but he is a newbie to the B2South as Cold Turkey was ingenious in snatching this man prior to the start of the season.

Harry was a powerful presence since day 1 and he was arguably the MVP of the second half of the regular season for CT (and possibly for the league). He plays balls deep at 140%, even when he is sucking wind like Bfab on a treadmill in a futile attempt to grab hold of an unreachable pork rind dangling in front of his face.

I loved this kid’s intensity. He always took it upon himself to match up on defense against some of the best players in the league. He may have dropped the ball a few times ala Bigginsdropped 35 on him…oops…but who’s counting anyways – it’s f’ing rec ball people!!

Mr. Baaaaaaaston stepped up his game huge when his team needed him and single handedly executed at crucial stretches of play – especially at times when his teammates often lost focus of the game to ponder on more pressing matters such as whether or not their secret twinkie stashes at WSNS were uncovered by the school custodian.

Harold, as his buddies at the VA affectionately call him, averaged 18.8 points to go along with 9 total boards and 3.5 assists. It’s unreal that this guy could fit all of these stats in to his game as he also spent a good portion of his play-time F-bombing himself and massaging the padding on the walls with his fists.

Runner up:

Patt DePriest (C4NT) – This guy is a legit threat in the post. I originally thought he was soft as I caught him, more towards the beginning of the season, shooting 3’s (which he can make on occasion), but c’mon man, you’re F’ing 6’4”, I want to see you get silly on little doofuses like Kap and LinehanDePriest has been a force inside and has found his stride. DePriest’s skill set is a good fit for C4NT, especially right now as their shooting from long range has been awful. Honestly, they have been shooting the 3-ball so bad that I would not be surprised if they walked in to the second round of playoffs with seeing-eye dogs and canes.

Offensive Player of the YearRyan “Street” Vanderstreet (Tummy Sticks)

What more can I say about this man. He can shoot the hell out of the ball. He is a point machine! He and Hannibal, the Animal are a deadly combo when they are both feeling it. Street averaged just over 21 points a game and owned his defenders.

Runners up:

Phillip Sorrenson (Infinite Hoops) – This kid basically carried his team on his back when Augustyn went MIA. He has a quick first step and a great fade-away. He is a legit slasher.

Bryan Sullivan (CAC-N-Ballers) – Sully is the real deal. Obviously, with his size he does a significant amount of damage in post/paint. More impressive is the fact that he can shoot the ball on the perimeter.

Matt Kaplan (Cold Turkey) – Kap started the season off real hot for Cold Turkey and fizzled a bit. He does shoot more 3s a game than most people do in half a season, however, everyone knows he can drain them with ease. He also scores more garbage points off of his patented jump stop than anyone at the CAC.

Tom Biggins (Serenity Now) – Biggins is the man! He can drive the basket with innovation as he streamlines modern twists of famous NBA highlights from the mid-80s. Also he shot 24 of 57 from 3 (42%) on the season. Wow.

Bryan Hannibal (Infinite Hoops) – The guy can shoot the 3-ball and does it often as he has racked up 87 attempts on the season!

Defensive Player(s) of the YearRoss Goldberg (C4NT) and Finn Hanson (Tummy Sticks)

Ross Goldberg (C4NT) – This guy lives his own story as it is apparent he thinks he is the epitome of the Jewish Jersey Shore.

Goldberg crushed peoples’ dreams as they attempted to put up shots in the post. The ‘Berg led the league in blocks with 2.8 swats per game. Nasty brosef!

In addition to his Shaqness, he also pounded in 10.33 boards per game.

Finn Hanson (Tummy Sticks) – Finn caused a lot of problems for teams. He’s a lanky dude, but he has some chimpanzee arm swinging wing-span that interfered with a lot of guys’ shot attempts. He trailed Goldberg by a narrow margin in leading the league in blocks as he collected 2 a game.

Finn also racked in 10.33 rebounds a game, but what sets him apart from Goldberg in this stat category is the fact that he gets all angry and crazy when he brings the ball in off the glass.

Runner Up:

Mike “G-Unit” Gerrity (Cold Turkey) – This guy is like a 12 year old who just had a growth spurt. It’s as if he woke up the morning of his games and is like “WTF – I’m tall!” G-Unit may not make it look like Erin Andrews on “camera”, but he gets it done.

He had multiple block games and his “hands straight up” defense prevented a lot of guys from scoring.

He also has insane gaseous reflux…as an extension of his defense he will belch loudly while his opponents shoot free-throws…now that’s effort!

5th Man AwardTim Brady (C4NT)

Tim Brady is an absolute monster! C4NT has a relatively deep team and they use all their guys as equally as they can. That being said, Brady may play roughly 30 min. a game. When he is on the court he gets it done!

Brady averaged close to 12 points a game as well as 8 boards and a block. He was always a threat on the offensive rebounding end as well as on defense. There was a time in which he could knock down the occasional three as well. Good work SON!

Most ImprovedAdam “Rattling AK” Kneeland (Serenity Now)

AK started the season off sluggish, and then started to get things rolling along as the B2South ran its course. He has a nice 3-point shot and excelling court vision. His defining moment of the season was his game-tying 3 pointer with seconds left as Serenity Now took Cold Turkey to OT in week 7.

All-Stars of the B2South

All B2South 1st Team Selection:

Ryan “Rain Man” Ouellette (Cha-Ching) – for reasons stated above (duh)
Mike Kuzdeba (Cha-Ching) – dominant guard + borderline comb over = greatness
Bob “V-Man” Viercinski (I’m Nasty) – He takes care of that business involving all aspects of the game.
Bryan “Sully” Sullivan (CAC-N-Ballers) – Definitely the most finessed big man in B2South

All B2South 2nd Team Selections:
Ryan “Street” Vanderstreet (Tummy Sticks) – Possibly the best 1-on-1 player in the B2South
Matt “Shmiegal Kapa Don” Kaplan (Cold Turkey) – Great weapon on offense when not shooting 3s from half court. Also a showman on the hustle stats.
Harry “Mr. Baaaaaaston” Smith (Cold Turkey) – clutch scorer and one of the toughest SOB’s in B2South.
Bryan “The Animal” Hannibal – Unreal basketball IQ. Great court vision to go along with sharp shooting ability.

All B2South 3rd Team Selections: ***because 2 is not enough!***:
Elvis Perez – great post player and hilarious smack talker
Tom “Flomax” Biggins – this guy can carry a team in clutch situations as he is one of the best in the league in creating his own shot opportunities
Fred “The Lighthouse” Bermont – while he looks mentally challenged, he can do it with the best of them. He plays with the most, intense physical game in B2South.
Mike Shea (C4NT) – There was a point in time when he was the best 3 point shooter in B2South. We can still live dreams kid!

JZuk “Outside the Box” Awards

It’s totally lame to just do the normal 9-5 standards for awards. You all worked hard to tweak your own unique and individual persona in my eyes and mind…why should I let that all go down the drain and get jumbled up in awards like “defensive player of the year”…so you can swat a ball – big f’ing deal….

The burning questions I have are (for example) do you sumo slam trash cans in regulation? Do you talk smack incessantly? Do you recite random snippets of the urban dictionary during game play for all to hear and ponder?

Well for those who do, you get your own special moment in these awards. Below you will find my hand-crafted awards which title the award and then give a brief description of the award, and of course list the cadets who earned their share of B2South glory!

The All B2South Vagina Monologue 2010 Squad

Do you act like a total vag. ball when a pube glides over your wrist in your follow through on a layup? Do you incessantly bark at O’Cal as he swallows…whistles? Do you question JZuk on the game clock/possessions/timeouts because you think he inherited a mental disability of your choosing…I mean why else would he be keeping your stats and posting writeups for recreational basketball…he might be challenged?…Is your ego embodied by online rec. basketball posts? Do you message me to inform me that your stats are not posted while at the same time informing Tibbs of the same news? For those that do, this award is for you.

Team Captain: Adam “Rattling AK” Kneeland (Serenity Now):

Sean that’s F&^%ing bull%&^%&^%!” – AK

AK, in my diminished memory, has been one of the only guys in B2South to get a tech from O’Cal. He, for sure, has trademarked multiple personality disorder. AK is a nice and innocent Mr. Kneeland off the court and on the boards; however, when it comes time to put on the ol’ trust Lens Crafters goggles and insert the winged tampon, AK exemplifies what it takes to be a Vagina Monologue contender.

Fred Bermont (Serenity Now):

Tibbs…my stats are not up!” – Bermont

Tibbs when are the awards being posted!!!??” – Bermont

Zuk…that’s bullshit! I only have 4 fouls, not 5 (***holds up 4 fingers repeatedly***)” – Bermont

Enough said there…on a kinder note Bermont does give me positive feedback as well, but I have to fill spots for this award.

Brian Hannibal (Tummy Sticks):

“..hey are you sure the score is right?” – Hannibal

While this question in and of itself is legit. It is, in fact, not legit when your team has dinged up only 8 points. I might be from North Carolina, but for those of you not in the know (all of you) they teach counting numbers well past 8 in the Tarheel state. I can count up to at least 200…which means I’m a fucking genius down there, and at WSNS it makes me Albert Einstein, you best believe that.

The B2South O-Face Rebound Award

Do you shriek primal mating calls when you are in the act of snagging in an uncontested loose ball off the glass? Do you inadvertently showcase to all how long it has been since you have had consensual relations with a female when you mistake a rebound for a money-shot opportunity? Do you smack in the basketball off the boards harder than your genie-3-wish opportunity to do so with the back-side of a Barstool Sports “Smoke Show of the Day” (who at that point has obviously made the biggest mistake of her life)? If you said yes to any or all of the above then this award is for you!

Harold “Mr. Baaaaaaaaston” Smith (Cold Turkey)

Talk about taking intense basketball play to the next level! I have never seen someone so dramatic in the attempt to grab a board. Harry has the trademark O-Face on the boards and he gets more “excited” over a rebound than O’Cal after entering the men’s locker at the CAC after a racketball tournament.

If Mr. Baaaaaaaston didn’t send me drunk 2 AM texts informing me of his devious sexual ploys with his victims, then I would no doubt think that the CAC basketballs were losing their tread due to Harry’s warped perception of Spaldings as his very own pocket p*ssies for the taking.

Harry you may be banned from Co-Ed League play this spring before you even step face on the court at Kings.

The B2South Broken Down GM of the Year:

Have you been involved with CAC league play for years? Are you reliving dreams on your respective game nights? Do you incessantly reflect on fonder times when your body moved in ways you actually coordinated all on your own? Currently is your team a distant memory of what it was during a time when peach baskets were involved with the game? If yes, then bring your bad ass self on down to collect your Broken Down GM of the Year Award!

Adam Kneeland (Serenity Now) – If you do not know who this dude is, then surely you have heard him preach/shriek the gospel of shriveled nut sack basketball to his teammates on the court or from the sidelines.

AK has meshed in to a unique recreation basketball cartoon character. While he, no doubt, plays with intensity and has a love for the game, his emotional ferocity is one that cannot be contested by many…well maybe Randall (C-N-B) could give you a run for your money…

So how can we cool AK down when he does not get a call from O’Cal…or when he commits his 6th foul in a desperation attempt to prevent those 20-somethings from driving the lane?

In week 7 of B2South play AK helped shed some light on the solution to his emotional tirades and uncoordinated revolts of despair! After his 6th foul, which consequently resulted in a technical foul, AK got loco beyond belief.

He de-fogged the James Worthy Lens Crafters goggles, ripped off the gloves and dove head first in to the WSNS garbage can. While his attempts looked more pitiful than Kap shovingBermont (play-offs round 1) in rage, AK solidified his place as the numero uno broken down GM in the B2South. Clearly the dude has issues, but no one can deservedly strip him of his award…trash cans do not stand a chance against this man.

The B2South I Gargle my Mouth with Diahreha Prior to Tip-Off Award

Joe Randall (CAC-N-Ballers) – when it comes to trash talk, verbal assaults, tourette’s outbursts is there any one who even comes close to matching this guy vile word for vile word? Hell no!

Randall has been an absolute delight to watch and observe akin to the curiosity and laughs evoked by a caged monkey at the zoo who just received a new shiny toy possessing a hidden treat.

While his offense and command of the basketball has come a long way since the beginning of the season, I must say that attempts to conceive mature emotions, thought processes, and efforts to mitigate douchebaggery have progressed to a rapid deterioration. However, I have loved every second of Randall’s academy award worthy dramatics. If he didn’t have rabies, I would have asked for an autograph a long time ago.

Randall, you are the f’ing man, please accept your All B2South Honor with open arms.

The B2South Pre-Mature Ejaculation Award

Are your basketball efforts so close to success, but yet infinitely far as well? Do you get so close to gold and then just lose your cookies at some point early on in the process of success? Do your “loads” of error result in a messy clean up that involve super human janitorial efforts from your teammates? If yes, then please do not hesitate to step in to the shoes of the Pre-Mature Ejaculation Award for the B2South.

Mike Lamb (CAC-N-Ballers), with the “clean-up” assisted by Joe Randall (CAC-N-Ballers)

Lamb may have thicker skin than all those I have ripped on, combined, during the course of the B2South regular season. His teammate is Joe Randall…and as we all know Mr. Randall is not afraid to express his feelings in regards to the play of his teammates.

The exact origin of this award came early on in the season as CAC-N-Ballers, during one of their contests, were in the works of awakening from their weekly basketball coma. Lamb had made a great defensive stop that allowed for CAC-N-Ballers to retain a critical possession. The big man caught the inbounds and forced a 17 footer without allowing his team to set up on offense.

With a spark of poetic beauty, Randall, explained how the sequence of events was like:

“…finding the G-Spot and not going for it!”

Randall elaborated that Lamb’s shot attempt struck a personal chord in his (Randall’s) mishaps with pre-mature ejaculation…

I thought that this sequence of events were genius, and that while the quotes should have not been stated aloud to disturb the quality of life of others, the event must be etched in gold as an award of some sort and for all to remember. This is the Pre-Mature Ejaculation award in its epic beauty – Lamb, please accept this token of my appreciation.

The B2South Extra “Umph” Award

Ok, so you don’t drop 20+ a game or even 10+…but the bottom line is you hustle your ass off for your team every week and you efforts aid them in collecting wins and gaining respect of competitors. You have a good attitude and you never complain and follow the CAC standards of play to a T. If the above describes you then you should walk up to the podium and collect your piece of the prize.

Adam Anastas (Tummy Sticks) – you all may not know this guy by name, but I’m sure he has picked your pocket or grabbed a board in front of your face and whizzed by you down the opposite end of the floor, ready to throw out a pretty dish to Street or The Animal.

Sure Anastas may have not dropped 100s of points this season, but his 140% game-play motor has, without a doubt, aided Tummy Sticks in their push for B2South glory.

Anastas is the epitome of the Jersey Shore reincarnated in B2South play, but he backs up his GTL persona with hard work and smart play. Anastas show cases that extra “umph” and should be satisfied with this award.

The Mr. Cataracts of B2South Award

Are you clueless that you are perhaps the most disturbing person in Somerville to lay eyes upon on Tuesday evenings? Do you shamelessly and repeatedly lift your shirt in front of the scorers table and make your league scorer contemplate the put-out-of-his-misery sensations of what it would be like to pour water on his fingers while they are plugged in an electrical socket? Do you attempt to strut hair cuts that would make emo and hipster kids think “WTF?” Does your mere presence make JZuk’s eyes assume a fetal position? If yes, then you deserve the Mr. Cataracts Award of the B2South

Matt Kaplan (Cold Turkey) – Hands down this guy earned this award. Not only does his presence make my body naturally produce its own vomit-flavored Listerine Mouth Wash, he could possibly be the most annoying person in a league when it comes to maintaining accurate stats.

Kap has consistently been the only person to come to the stats table for every game of the season. One time he even checked his stats at half time (despite the fact he informed me that he just wanted to know how many points “Biggs” had…during a CT vs. SN match). He signals the “A” symbol for assist…he and G-Unit scream to the sides for me to record everything even when they so much as pass wind.

One of the many of Kap’s shining moments came a few weeks ago when he showed off his new hair-do. After conversing with this kid and learning about his cuddle fests with his roommate,Linehan, and their “EPIC” beer pong tournaments and pillow chewing adventures in crime, I’m surprised a hair stylist could bring shearing scissors to Kap’s head without having ulterior motives that would involve a 911 call shortly thereafter. Seriously, I didn’t know weed whackers were the up-and-coming styling accessories for the hair industry.

Kap, on a somewhat more serious note, has had the thickest skin since day 1, and despite his pre-pubescent mannerisms on the court, I have to give the kid credit that he still holds his misshapen head high each week.

This concludes the B2South Awards for the Winter 2010 season.

Thanks Again for a Great Season,

Josh “JZuk” Zukerman

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