When I turned 34 about a month ago, I began to re-evaluate my life at CRFC for about the 240th time and wonder how much longer I could keep up this lifestyle. Seriously, how many more nicknames could I possibly think of? How many more times could I explain that it’s not a travel if you catch your own airball? How many more fights could I get into with the parking lady? As I sat down to draft my letter of resignation to the Commish, I started to calculate the financial impact of this decision. Certainly at this point in my unbounded corporate career I wouldn’t miss that less than generous CRFC paycheck every week (seriously, it works out to maybe the minimum wage per hour for some of us), but what about those hidden perquisites that CRFC provides to its dedicated staff? In the spirit of the new SEC disclosure rules regarding executive compensation, here is a short list of those hidden privileges that CRFC staff members often forget when being hounded for quicker write-ups or more fouls calls:
Free Gym Membership
Since I try and participate in just about every activity that CRFC has to offer, Iíd have to sign up for a very costly Gold monthly membership. And I’d probably get hit by Butterworth with a $99 initiation fee too. Iíd also really miss just waltzing by the front desk like I was Papa Georgio and not swiping a card.
Free Hoop Leagues
Tibbs and the Surgeon would get hit most by this one as they play in at least 3-4 leagues every season. Yet I think they still have just one title between the two of them. Too bad 1st round playoff byes don’t come with our pay.
Free 3 on 3 Tourneys
DMac is always faced with the painful decision of getting paid to ref or playing in these tourneys. And he always makes the right choice – hey, those rims don’t pay for themselves! One exception is the Andrew Danielson Charity Tourney coming up on April 14th and 15th, which we always contribute generously.
Not technically an actual benefit in our contracts – please don’t tell the Commish.
Can anyone remember the last time you actually bought a t-shirt? Or how about the last time you wore a t-shirt that didn’t have a CRFC logo on it? I know some of you have had the fortune of convincing a fine young lady to stay the night unexpectedly and were able to offer her a wide variety of CRFC gear to sleep in. We really should take a cue from the Red Sox and order a few in pink.
Private Locker Room
The use of Josh’s office as our personal locker rooms is critical as it serves as a safe buffer between the staff and any irate player who wants to sock you over the head with a 6 pack of Gatorade. There really should be a lock on that door like the NBA refs have on their locker rooms.
You didn’t even know there was one, did you?
Free Drinks at League Nights Out
Much credit to Tibbs for thinking of this hidden benefit that carries with it a serious financial impact. Tibbs has apparently adopted this philosophy to any night that he is out with at least one CRFC member. Technically, I guess that does qualify as a league night out.
Free Instant Stat Upgrade
Ever feel like you got gypped on assists by the sometimes sleepy Surgeon General? No problem for staffers – we simply log into the staff section and add a few to our game total. Why do you think we are always close to the top in the stat categories?
Free Brainstorming Dinners
The Commish takes the staff to dinner once in a while to brainstorm ideas on how to improve the leagues. Full stats, blogs, banners, message boards and many more items you take for granted today were all born over the years in between bites of mozzarella sticks and ribeye steaks.
After this in depth financial analysis that could only be matched by Mr. CFO himself Ed Finn, I realized what Big Pussy from the Sopranoís failed to realize. Despite my putrid pay, I am in way too deep to ever leave La CRFC Nostra. And so is Tibbs, Sergery, Dmac, Good King, JRod, and the rest of the staff (well, maybe not O-Cal – he at least pretends to have a few things going for him outside of CRFC). See you every Monday and Tuesday for the rest our natural lives