Monday Night Madness With JZuk ~ Interview With JZuk

I haven’t done an interview on the blog since the Pigeons crumble in the mighty, mighty B2 West. Then – they “sort of” come back as Witness Protection in the Wild Wild West with Killer Ken Abrahamsen on the roster but not showing up.  Pining for the past….

Well – if talking about Pat’s Pidgeons and Hall of Fame speeches that could have been better – I’m talking about the past.  But we are here to pine about the future of the CAC and the new movement, “The Situation”, “The Predicament” (someone should coin/patent this one – Henderson? ), the new real deal manning the mike in Co-Ed 5v5 and B2 South – and that is the one and only Josh Zukerman – or JZuk on the message boards and write-ups.

Well, it’ s time to get to the bottom of what makes JZuk tick, why in god’s green earth he would answer a Craigslist ad, and everything in between.  JZuk – what in the blue world brought you to the CAC from the tough streets of Cambridge?  Even though I don’t think you are from this area at all ~ you have a nice upstate New York feel to you…i.e. too nice and out of touch with reality….

JZUK: Dude, Bfab, are you already trying to work your MOJO on me?  This is only question 1!  I know people from the CAC think I’m exotic because I’m a North Carolinian Jew, but calm down!  Maybe I should have requested to do this interview over the phone…on to your question:

Being that I am a student, and am slowly climbing the latter to become one of Citibank’s top consumers of student loans, coupled with the idea that I do not want to spend a good chunk of my repayment period jingling an empty Dunkin Donuts cup through the streets of Boston…I decided one fateful night to look for a part-time gig…

Where could I find the least sketchy array of part-time jobs?  CRAIGSLIST..DUH!  So I popped on the site, and after a few hours of distraction in searching through the “women seeking men” personals and sifting through the odd ball posts by aliases such as “DragonSlayerTical” and “LongJohnTibbs”, I got back to my mission at hand.

I saw a unique post for a scorer for adult rec. leagues from the CAC…The commish spelled out the fact that these scorers were to be treated like rock stars and such – and I was sold!

I came in to interview prior to the Christmas holidays…once I sat down with Carrot Top’s 6’4″ twin, I knew I could own this gig!  The rest is history.

BFAB:  Jumpman still has his Dunkins’ cup from being picked-up on the Charlestown bridge for a job and to play some hoops ~ how ironic.  And Tibbs loves that Carrot Top ad on the CAC site.  Anthing for 0.02 cents if you click on it.

Rock Stars?  You have to bow to the altar of Tibbs to get rock star treatment but I see you are already hanging rims with your CAC-approved work belt, captaining a lunch league team, and filling the shoes (quite admirably) of M3 – Mr. Frail – in B2 South.  You even have done what no one else has even been able to accomplish – make Fred Bermont, Adam Kneeland, Pockets, and Biggins seem old….those guys were my arch nemesisessisis back in the day when B2 really was “B2”.  Not B1 just being called B2 for all the teams too soft to roll with the big boys.  And this all for a free league or ten.  WHOOPS – JamBall ruined that for all of us.

So why Carolina Blue instead of Dukie Blue or even Wake Gold?  We have a lot of ACC fans around these parts…

JZUK: Yes…yes…I am all of the above…with the exception of filling the shoes of Frail…really he is irreplaceable – without him there would not be any random-Washington Nationals fans in Boston nor a misplaced lover of Kansas University…pretty sure the kid went to a no-name in Vermont…I guess I would root for Kansas if I were in his shoes too…hell, maybe I would even root for Serenity Now….I’m quite confident I’m getting the better end of his “sloppy seconds” in the B2South.

I’m definitely busting the B2South wide open…the guys are a good group and they love the JZuk!  Plus it’s all-star city at WSNS on Tuesday nights as O’Cal and JZuk take the gym by storm…although I really do need to get O’Cal to stop practicing his “Pick-up Lines for Dummies” material on the janitor – the dude has told you, repeatedly, he is married!

If someone would have told me you could get the benefits of a gym and also get paid to talk smack about others I would have joined this CAC community a LONG time ago!  I can basically throw anyone under the bus at any given moment – it’s great!  All this power…and I’m just the scorer…I don’t know how Tibbs contains himself…he probably does loads of kegels under his desk throughout the day to calm himself down – SEE…I just made fun of the guy who hired me and gained an audience at the same time – LOVE IT!

Considering the girls at Duke have testicles (O’Cal testified to this…) and that the school has the most Vanilla sports programs in all of D-1 sports – I never considered it.  Not to mention they have Satan, himself, as the basketball Coach.

BFAB – Satan as a coach?  I’ve been referred to as Coach K as Genzyme has many nicknames ~ one being penned from Mike Sweens as “Duke of the CAC”.  I guess Satan fits as well…

JZUK – I have nothing bad to say about Wake other than the fact that their student body is comprised of roughly 55 people and they are all WASPS!

It was UNC all the way…the girls…great campus…best athletics programs…definitely the best basketball program in all of college sports!

BFAB ~ Nothing against Wake? Well maybe Wake has something wrong with Carolina cause you scared the only two humans hotter then the chicken wings out of Tommy D’s the very first night we hung out.  And the best part?  You were wearing that stupid Carolina sweatshirt and spewing your Baby Blue rhetoric at that place like Pelosi was in the backrooms of the White House with the healthcare reform bill.

I mean the chicks were wearing Mardi Gras f-me beads and you said “hello – my name is” as they said “good-bye”.

Talking more about college hoops – the Big East is back on top. Syracuse is ahead of Frail’s Kansas Jayhawks so maybe the Big East is finally back. What I mean is – you are too young to remember but St John’s and G-town used to be all NYC hoops was all about. I just saw a retrospect on ESPN and was shocked to realize it was 25 years ago. Yikes.

JZUK:  You just will not let the Wake Forest Hotty Killer RIP!!!!

I know you were roughly 1.5 beers deep so your memory may have been a little foggy at the time…

Just as I was about to hone in on my shady roofy-colada bar tending skills with these broads…you peer your tiny little head from beyond the banister that was strategically hiding you/protecting the regulars…and BAM!!!

Sweaty BFab with the burger to the face = girls out the door…

OH and PS – NO ONE and I mean NO ONE gives a SH!T about ST. John’s!  I do have a bit of love for GTown this season as they defiled DOOK…

We need to take it easy w/ UNC-CH this season or lack there-of…you don’t want JZuk crying during the interview…I mean I know you got the 2-for-1 deal in obtaining your ref certification w/ the bonus MBA in comforting younger men…but we don’t need to take it there..really…

BFAB –  Speaking about the NCAAs – Does Carolina even qualify for the NIT? WHO YOU GOT? *(It can’t be Kansas cause Frail will cry ~ obviously written before the Jayhawks loss…)

JZUK: The fact that a UNC team, arguably the most iconic and elite basketball program in the nation….is even in an NIT is biggest walk of shame you can imagine

So yes, for that reason…they deserve to walk that line…broken high heels and all to Madison Square Garden to challenge and contend with college basketball gods of William & Mary where their official mascot is most likely a calculator if not a pocket protector.

I am pretty sure West Virginia has seamlessly produced some of the world’s biggest losers coupled with most interbred mistakes…aka Matt Kaplan.  It would be nice to see them crush everyone’s dreams and get the win.

I will be happy as long as Duke does not win.

BFAB: While you are obviously ruffling the B2 South panties with your scribe skills ~ your PT mark has been made in the Lunch League (promotion time) ~ how’s it going?

JZUK:  We are nick naming the kid John on our team “Brips” because it’s obvious he rips bongs on a daily basis

BFAB: Which one is John since I am way too lazy to look up rosters.  I have five rosters of my my own that I can’t keep track of…

JZUK: he is the space cadet who shoots the ball behind his head…and was wearing his jersey backwards to start the game!

BFAB:  I knew you would like me attributing that baffoon’s jersey to you by saying, “Get your act together here, Zuk”.  Speaking of space cadets, in my college baseball years – I was referred to as “Lord Helmet” for the smallish melon (size 8) I brandish in the batters box.  See?  I can make fun of myself and not be serious as well.

JZUK: There is nothing serious i take away from lunch league.

BFAB: That’s how it should be in every league but there are a few who take it a little too serious from time to time…ASSIST…ASSIST…ASSIST.

JZUK: It’s like a cardio-comedic sketch – especially with you as ref.

BFAB: I think I’m going to get a tighter ref shirt for next season.  The joke the distributor played on me wasn’t funny enough.  I’m going to ask the size O’Cal wears just for my lunch time comedy.  Just for you!!

JZUK: Dude, I will have to put up a shield or fort around the scorer’s table…as I hear that more and more deaths are caused by popped off buttons each year.  Thank god cause it’s bad enough my body’s response against the sights of Kappa Don is to develop mild cataracts.

BFAB: HA!  Kap’s boxers-look makes me puke.  Ok enough ripping on each other (for now obviously).  Let’s do a little rapid-fire with three topics for discussion that CAC-ers care about:

Question #1 Magic-Larry Documentary on HBO? Good? Not enough? Lacking something?

JZUK: First off – Kap wears Huggies.  I never saw the Magic-Larry documentary, but I love them both.  Hey – what about Tobacco Road!

BFAB: What about it? Duke of the CAC is laughing at UNC right now.  LAUGHING!

JZUK: It was another documentary on HBO.  Basically it was about how Coach K licks Vanilla corn holes.

BFAB: Question #2:  Are the Celtics all done or is their recent run more indicative of what is on the horizon?

JZUK:  The Celtics are in hot contention with the Serenity Now crew as they are battling for the same 50-somethings out of your local Sun Rise Assisted Living Residence…the only difference between Mike Finley and Freddie Bermont is that Bermont’s ankle straps extend an extra foot up his leg.

The Celtics have big names and former talents, but when you break it down…you can’t build your team around 15+ year vets.  You need some fresh blood out there…we all know that Pierce, KG, and Ray Ray will be near-future hall of famers, but you can’t escape your age….just like with you BFAB, no matter how many extra black vertical stripes you squeeze in to on your ref. jersey…we know there’s just too much cushion for the pushin’…oh sorry I forget I was supposed to tone back the rips…my B!

BFAB:  HA!  Love it – actually, I’m totally fair game in any and all responses.  But you may wanna tone it down with this next question.  Question #3: If you were to pick any four CACers for your starting 4 – who would they be?  I’m clearly assuming you would be the fifth guy on a four-man team.

JZUK:  Obviously I should spend a ton of time on this question and think about my answer carefully…as my drafting abilities have already been tested once for the lunch league…and I managed to create the 3rd string Special Olympics/2009-2010 UNC squad.

I am pretty new to the leagues and have heard the names of the greats that strut their stuff on a weekly basis at the CAC…because I have not seen many players outside of the leagues I am involved with I will rephrase your question to reference my leagues – B2South, Co-Ed (i.e. my death sentence (Tibbs, seriously what did I ever do to you to get served with Co-Ed duty?), and the vaunted Lunch League:

1.) Majic – dude is nasty!  Took him as the undisputed 1st pick in the Lunch League…and while he more than likely will never, ever, ever again, want to serve time on a JZuk squad, I would repeatedly take him #1 over and over in drafts….Not only does he shoot several hundred 3s a game with Kosher Revival (and find success)…he gives you tons of crap for no-calls.  HAHA!  Also, if people like Phuc Thai are draining shots in my face I could only imagine that I would end up on Majic’s key chain if I were to ever have to attempt to play any defense on him….glad to have him on my side.

**Editor’s Note:  If you openly campaign to take Magic every season, watch out – just ask Serge.

2.) Ryan Ouellette – Ouellette is a B2South MVP candidate…and makes the twerps in that league look as out of place as Tibbs with a spray tan…he can shoot, pass, drive, defend…he does it all!

3.) Mike Kuzdeva – Kuzdeva is the best point guard in all of B2South…he is the only person in the B2S regular season to have locked in a triple double and repeatedly come close on a game-by-game basis.  I have somehow managed to talk him in to filling in for my lunch league…and his addition largely factored in to our first win!  Kosher Revival got the Paul Reeves’ “Potato Knish” award!

4.) Bob Viercinski (AKA V-Man): Bobby V is the best rebounder in the B2South locking in almost 14 a game.  Last week he had something like 16 points and 20+ boards and the week prior he had 25 points and 27 boards.  I think he would be a nice completion to the squad.  He can also pass the ball as well which would be nice since Majic just discovered, fort he first time, what an assist is this past week.

But let me expand a little to my hand-picked Team Mascot(s):

1.) Five Hard Fouls (Gerrity): this guy is the epitome of a man titted-up clown.  He has great team spirit, and is always complimenting anything basketball-related for his Cold Turkey Squad.  He would be a great addition to any league!

2.) Joe Randall: Randall is the funniest guy I have ever seen to play competitive sports.  He rips on himself, his teammates, refs, and me, the scorer, and display sparks of brilliance in his multiple X-rated soliloquies.  Everyone’s favorite write-up appears to date back to the early weeks of B2South in which I diagnosed Randall with Tourette’s syndrome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CF0UqyC2uBk – (**Ed Note: not safe for work)

I am also convinced he suffers from Multiple Personality Disorder as well as the classic douchbaggenitis.

3.) Adam Kneeland: This guy loves the game of basketball.  Pretty sure he will still be around the CAC in his 60s…rolling around the court in a wheelchair if need-be and all the while screaming random orders at teammates.  Also, for the Spring B2S session, we are working with WSNS to line up more perishable obstacles for AK to rage all over.  He single-handedly showed everyone who was boss when he beat the shit out of a trash can in an OT loss to Cold Turkey.  He also managed to receive a technical for telling O’Cal to shove his whistle where the sun don’t shine!

BFAB:  I’m speechless.  Other then the fact ~ you have made my life as a ref in my first season truly a fun experience (take that Filosa, DMac, and all the ref curmudgeons) ~ I might have to end right here as I just finished a 3-OT thriller in the B2 West and even if I had my car and you were buying burgers and beers at OUR FAVORITE PLACE TOMMY DOYLES OF KENDALL SQUARE – I may still had to bow out as I am exhausted ~ just from your chatty cathy material alone ~ on a train home to Plymouth…basically Siberia.

JZUK:  You should take some time to think about your response…you are not interviewing just any one. Do you need my town car schedule?  Rumor has it I get you car rides when you need them.

BFAB:  Whoa – I like car “dates” but no one at the CAC needs that information!  I take the commuter rail at 10:45 after the gym – another hour-plus ride home.

JZUK: Wow you are an hour away from home – that sucks! 

BFAB: Be happy I NEVER forget favors ~ especially car dates, I mean car rides.  And yes ~ minimum 50 minutes on this god foresaken sardine can the MBTA calls a train.  THEN a 10-15 minute ride home from Kingston.

JZUK: Geezus man, if only my ex had your mindset, I’d have smile lines!!

BFAB: Just almost shat myself laughing.  I do go non-stop Zukerman!

JZUK: That should go in the writeup!   Oh wait, maybe TMI.  Especially you shitting or non-stop Gross.

BFAB: smile lines…man that is hilarious.  On that note…train whistle ends this comedy ride.

JZUK: It just comes to me man…what can I say!?