This weekend I had the unspeakable pleasure of seeing my oldest brother perform in a comedy show at the Upright Citizenís Brigade. The only problem, I had to travel to NYC to see this momentous occasion. Thatís right, Me, Mama/Papa Tical, Brother (#2) Tical and Brother Ticalís FiancÈ (That means engaged) all piled in a rented SUV and headed to the Big Apple for a weekend get-a-way to support Linda and Frankís first born.
This wasnít my first trip to Americaís largest Dumpster. My senior year in college me and my friends (3 Sox and 2 Yanks fans) took a road trip to NYC and caught a great 17-3 Sox victory at the House that Damon built, among other things. The highlight of the weekend wasnít so much the beat down we tossed NY, but seeing a full grown Yankees fan hurl a full beer in a little kidís face just because the kid was rooting for the Red Sox. See, this is exactly whatís wrong with Yankeeís fans: NO RESPECT FOR BEER. When you pay 10$ for a beer you donít waste a drop. I bet if it was a Wine Cooler the queerbag would have thought twice. Oh, yea, and the whole classless act of throwing a drink in a little kidís face, but that doesnít even compare to wasting beer.
Last year, took the fabled Fung Waaaaaa bus to the city to visit my friends post graduation and luckily did not catch HIV from the junkie that was twitching next to me the entire ride up.
The Current Trip ñ Welcome to Korea Way
Me, the non-performing brother and his fiancÈ (engaged) check into the Stanford Hotel on West 33rd or better known as Korea Way around 3pm. Immediately I notice we are next door to a message parlor. Those rumors about Happy Endings BEST be true.
The Fam has never been to NYC for leisure and we decide to hit the streets. We see Half Naked Cowboy with Guitar at Times Sq, which is right in front of where they shoot TRL. Great place for a half naked guy with a guitar to be hanging out, where they shoot a show catered towards 13 yr old girls. (just jealous I didnít think of the idea). Right across the street is Half Naked Cowgirl Grandma who is pluggin away at her own guitar and has to be at least 80 yrs old. For some odd reason she is not getting the same amount of attention as Half Naked Cowboy. I resist the urge to motorboat her waist boobs in front of Mama Tical and we strive on.
Guess that Smell
We check out Central Park on this lovely day. Okay NY, I give it to you, as far as the eyesight goes this park is pretty decent. Unfortunately, I have been blessed with an acute sense of smell and about every 5 ft I walk I am playing Guess that Smell with the Fam. Is it Hobo Piss? Is it Horse crap? Is it a Frisbee Toting Hippy with No Deodorant? Does someone have an Open Ass Crack stand next to one of these Sausage carts?
3 of the 5 baseball diamonds are being used and I fully expect to see an ump get stabbed over balls and strikes. Little kids are playing on these huge rocks. Iím not saying MA parents are any better but I know that if my friendís parents let us play on rocks that are 50ft high, someone was getting pushed off. Just saying.
On our way out, there is a Roller Skate party going on and I immediately am reminded of Ace Ventura: When Natures Calls because I see this dude rocking the full body spandex. Excuse me sir, your balls are showing. I want to gouge out my eyes. Why do people insist on wearing these puppies. They have to be worse than rockiní jorts right?
We get back to the hotel around 6 to get ready for dinner and Vlad has just put the Angels up 4-3. I hop in the shower and when I return to the TV 10 minutes later, the Yanks still have yet to record an out! I love it.
If you have yet to see the Youtube Gino the Ginny you must because we are having dinner in Little Italy come 7pm. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ype2HAgrfSM) Around every corner I am bamboozled by Carmineís, Marioís and any other name that ends with a vowel. Chicago is no longer the windy city as NYC takes that title because every single kid from ages 12-30 has hair that looks like they have been standing in a wind tunnel for 4 hours. Blowouts hurt my eyes.
The fam heads back to the hotel to rest up for sightseeing in the morning. Me, I could care less what there is to see in NYC I am meeting up with some friends for some booziní. Nothing I love more than representing Titletown in enemy territory. I take up cab up to 88th Street and Amsterdam to meet up with my buddy Rob and his brother, who just turned the big 21 this summer. In college when Robís brother use to visit I would make it my duty to make sure his bro got as wasted as possible and now he is all growd up.
We hit up this bar 2 blocks from his apartment that is right up my alley. Darts, decently cheap beer (as far as NY is concerned) and New Yorkers that are ripe for my ridicule and dueshbaggery. I meet a bunch of Robís new friends that are all native New Yorkers. About 10 beers of this 9% alcohol beer and 5 tequilla shots and I am busting out all of Quagmireís greatest lines on his friends that are girls:
∑ I put my arms around these two girls and tell them I donít want to come between you…or do I.
∑ You must be a parking ticket bc you got fine written all over you
∑ If I could control the alphabet I would put U and I next to each other.
For some odd reason, I am going home alone. After hours of my Ali dominance at the Dart board and countless dirty looks from New York whoooowores, its time for a heart felt good bye and a cab ride back to the hotel.
One thing I do love about NY is the cabbies. The main roads are 4 lanes across and its like Thunderdome trying to get home. Going 50mph, cutting people off, stopping short, who needs to go toConey Island when you can get wasted and take a cab. Itís the best ride goiní.
I am tanked and luckily make it back to my hotel room, but NOT before I made a haphazard attempt at getting a happy ending at the message parlor next door. I am asked to leave after the 3rd time I ask the front desk lady how much it would cost me for her to…well never mind. I stumble into the hotel room and wake up my broís fiancÈ (engaged). I plop down on my bed and dream about CAC glory this coming Monday and Wednesday. Unfortunately, I pass out on my back and keep my hotel-mates up with a rip-roaring snore that sounds like a rusty chainsaw borrowing through a tree. NY brings the worst out of me.
Why I hate NY Even More
Seriously, there is a Dunkin Donuts right around the corner from me and that was all I was looking forward to as I awoke with a severe hangover. Maybe someone hit me with a chainsaw and I didnít remember it. I go to the DDs and lo and behold there is a break down in communication: I.E she donít speak any English at all. I ask for a ham, egg and cheese on a crossiant and it was like talking to a wall. She points down towards thee Haagen Daaz that is on the same floor. I repeat my request twice before I can see the natives behind me in line getting restless. So I go for a Chocolate Chip Muffin. Now there are about 100 in the tray and she picks up one that looks like someone already took a bite out of it. She shows it to me and I tell her I will just take a different one but again, she is not hearing me. So I end up leaving with a corn muffin and a coffee coolata. Of course the Corn Muffin sucked balls. Only in NY. How can you F up a Dunkin Donuts?
The Comedy Show
After some Tylenol and a couple calls to my roomís turlet, I head to my other broís show at the Upright Citizenís Brigade on 26th Street. We take in two shows before my broís and they are hilarious. My bro and his buddies kill. However none of the chicks he was on stage with flashed their jublees or their hoo-hahs so I only gave the show 3.5 stars.
It was about 3pm when the show was over and it was time to head back to Titletown USA. One chink in the armor: It is Dominican Day and they are having a parade on 6th Ave. I am not the only one reminded of the Seinfeld where Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer get caught in the traffic on Puerto Rico Day. Traffic is ridiculous and the sights/sounds are indescribable. This isnít so much of a NY thing, but why do women insist on wearing clothes that are 8 sizes to small for them? As if I wasnít queasy enough. We finally maneuver through the detours and get to the Van Wick. I take one last look at the Big Apple and only wish I took a dump at the Yankee Stadium entrance before leaving.
NYC can lick ëem