Keep your pants on people, The Box and The Corner have come together to bring you this once in a lifetime collaboration effort choc full of gossip, the secrets to financial freedom, and never-before-revealed sex-tips�all in the interest of bringing a lil more bush & hoo-haa into all of your lives�
JBerr: Ok, Let�s make a deal, we call this featurette �The Cox� to reference both of our blogs, but we air it in my Box? Put the Cox in the Box, so to speak. Truth is, If I don�t keep my numbers and ratings up The Commish will drop my blog spot like a bad habit�I don�t get held to different standards just because I�m female.
OCal: Your Box your rules, JBerr.
JBerr: Is that mauve font you�re using, OCal?
OCal: It�s actually �plum.� I am always trying to bring it to another level. Whether that level is up or down depends on the occasion. But I didn�t come into your Box to talk about Font color now, so lets get on with the show.
JBerr: It�s the first A1 season you weren�t in control of your own destiny, do you feel as confident about your A1 team as you normally do going into the season? How do you feel about Tibb�s decision to take the power out of your hands�why no filibuster on your part?
OCal: I fell very confident in my team, as always. Wall Ball has a certain formula for winning and I share it with my team every season. My teammates always wonder why I have to share it with them in the shower after the games, but I assure them it�s all apart of the formula so just keep rubbing and tugging and we will be well on our way to a successful season.
As far as me losing my captainship AFTER 10 YEARS NO LESS, it just goes to show, no man/boy is bigger than CAC. CAC has become the conglomerate no one wants to butt heads with. I may be an unstoppable force, but going against an immovable object just seems to be a lot of work for nothing, so I just let it go. Captain or not, you will see me in the finals one way or another.
Speaking of CAC hoops, did your team really go 0-10 last season? WTF lady? Maybe you and your team should have joined mine for our Wall Ball session in the shower room?….
JBerr: It�s true, we went 0-10 and the economic crisis forced Tibbs to implement cutting the bottom team from the play-offs for the first time in the history of the women�s league so it was a short season. I was told that I needed to draft better, but what do they know? I loved my team! Hallie, Daisy Dukes and the rest of the girls were a pleasure to play with. Besides, I had to let someone else do the winning for once, so as to avoid jealousy and more importantly suspicion. People will start talking if one of CAC�s biggest female personalities has enough golden pumps to open a zapater�a.
This season I handed the helms over voluntarily and bowed out of captaining. I did cling to my 1 stake at immortality, naming my team 86 The DBags.
As far as your shower sessions go, can I take you up on the offer when you and Cuntry Gramma get on the same A1 team?
OCal: I’m sure Cuntry wouldn’t mind an extra hand scrubbing that big back of his,but you don’t have to wait until we are playing on the same A1 squad because we are ballin’ on Thursday nights this fall. RSVP by Wednesday to receive free body gel and rubber cylinder shaped duck.
JBerr: Isn�t Tibbs on that team, too? Thanks but no thanks.
If The Commish were to invite Bernie Madoff in for a professional consultation on how to more efficiently (read profitably) run the leagues, what do you think his recommendations would be for CAC Basketball Operations? What would be his number one critique?
OCal: Bern Baby Bern would suggest we stop giving out free Gatorades to staff, towels to members/ballers, and to have our CAC refs cut back on blowing the whistle (Each exhale of breath to blow the whistle releases harmful C.O.-duce toxins into the CAC atmosphere, which leads to higher clean up costs.) The Commish has implemented all 3 and profits have never soared so high.
JBerr: Oooooh, so that’s how we�ve suddenly been able to expand to over 5 gorgeous satellite locations, added about 10 new leagues, vastly increased the overall number of players, increased league fees, AND convinced Tommy Doyles Pub, an outside venture capitalist, to invest in us?
Wow! The guy really knows what he�s talking about! Dude got a bum-rap, being sent to prison him just for knowing how to get rich.
OCal: If you were Bernie�s Cellie in Attica, what �financial� advice would you give him to help survive D-Block?….
JBerr: I�d tell him to stick with what he�s good at; find his way to the top of the pyramid and stay there!
OCal: Well, for a man who F�d so many people in the financial A, I�d be telling him to invest in an steel girdle because one of his victims� friends or family member has to be inside and would just love to F him in the A just as he did to so many.
JBerr: If CAC hosted an annual awards banquet and you were up on stage giving your acceptance speech as the recipient of CAC�s top write-uptician, how would you react if Wolverine suddenly came bursting across the stage and said, �Hold up now, OCal! I�ll let you get back to that in a minute, no disrespect, but I just gotta say that Tibbs deserves this award!! He can do invisible write-ups, can you?! I don’t think so. That�s why he�s the President and not you!� Would you be able to find it in your heart to forgive him?
OCal: I would absolutely forgive him because you CANNOT shake me. I am a master of spin. You throw me a curve-ball, I sit on it and hit it onto Landsdown Street, off the hoes standing in line to get into Tequilla Rain.
When Kanye got up, Taylor Swift had about a zillion things to say to him.
�Kanye, stop being a gay-fish and let me have my moment.� http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AAxailJPU5Q
�BENYONCE WILL NOT SLEEP WITH YOU KANYE, get over it!!!�
�What the fuck is up with your hair Kanye, you use a higher than recommended PH level-Soul-Glo?� http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ktl6L3ZwvL4
The Wolverine would be ripe for my ridicule and yet again, I�d come out on top. People just need to man up and roll with the punches instead of letting them get knocked out.
What�s next for Kanye you think? Sex tape? Clubbing baby-seals while wearing a mink coat and eating a Condor egg omelet?
JBerr: Probably a combination. I can see the sex-tape now�Kanye on a mink-skin rug, wearing a Condor around his neck bangin Seal. If Heidi hasn�t said Auf Wiedersehen after that, it would PROVE she was being blackmailed all along, and she’d finally be vindicated for her inexplicable decision to drop trau with him!
What�s your interpretation of the phrase beggars can�t be choosers?
OCal: My mother relays that message to me every day at breakfast when I tell her that my �date� didn�t call back. Wait, are you referring to my sex life with that one, too?
JBerr: If you�d like to capitalize on this opportunity to boast about your sex life, by all means�
OCal: If only I had one to boast about, but to answer your question, Beggars can be choosers JBerr. They can choose to continue to let the cobwebs grow on their Hoo-Haa and not get laid by the hot chicks who want Abercrombie good looks, wealth, independence, and a sense of self worth, or nail the drunk fat chick that has no shame and could care less about anything other than penis with a pulse. I CHOOSE the latter.
JBerr: So, you�re saying you CAN always get what you want�wait, you have a hoo-haa, Ocal?
OCal: Oh, yeah, that�s right. Men don�t have Hoo-Haa�s. I guess I could play it off like I knew that and say that I�m having the surgery in December and then I have to lay down the �landing strip� sod, but I guess I blew it.
Riddle me this young 100 Proof Juice, what is your favorite clich�?
JBerr: That question is SO 2008, although, I was once told to �put out, or shut up.� I�ve never been the same since.
OCal: If only every female lived by that code the world would be a better place.
JBerr: If finally, after 2 years of watching me carelessly toss my CAC issued hand towels on the gym floor, you suddenly couldn�t take my uncleanliness anymore and you snapped and killed me after a Saturday evening top secret employee pick-up run, stuffing my body deep into a CAC locker, wouldn�t you have been smart enough to delete the texts you send me demanding that we meet up to discuss my improper towel etiquette? Or, at the very least washed the towels you used to strangle me, wiping away all traces of DNA evidence?? I mean, you were, after all, a towel boy back in your youth.
OCal: I wasn�t a towel boy, I was THE TOWEL BOY at CAC. I actually would make sure everyone knew it was me who killed you to send them a message: Clean up after yourselves. No one would dare leave any messes in the locker room, making my working days, prior to my incarceration, a breeze.
JBerr: Work-place violence is one way to send a strong message, but at CAC passive aggression has always seemed to be more effective. Besides, I have a lot of ex-bfs in the slamma, and I wouldn�t want you getting mixed up in all that even if you did kill me.
OCal: Aside from peering into the glory hole in the Matignon High School ladies locker room back in my high school days, I have no idea what goes on in the ladies locker room. What is it like in there? I assume there are periodic tickle fights and make out sessions correct?
JBerr: I once heard you liked to shower in the women�s locker room after hours?
OCal: Purely because they are cleaner than the Men�s locker room. It has nothing to do with the fact that I like to sniff anything that has been used by naked chicks, I swear.
JBerr: Man, lemme tell you, I wish I could get in there after hours, minimize the unwanted bush exposure.
OCal: Hahaha, Unwanted bush exposure?!?! Is there really such a thing. You must hate 70�s porn.
JBerr: And if I wanted to see floppy & unsightly breasts, I�d drop a note in the suggestion box that the men�s leagues play shirts/skins�it would save Josh some more $$ so I�m sure he�d go for it.
I�d be remiss to not admit that Lady Magic and I do share a joint steam once in a while, purely for gossiping purposes.
While we�re on the topic of nudity�CAC has been the spawn of a number of coitus filled relationships. Some couples were able to find happiness for a few incorrigible hours after the bars let out, whereas others have been living together blissfully going on 2 years, and others still, so happy they�ve promised their private parts only to one another for the rest of their natural lives, but some, some just couldn�t make it. In your opinion what makes a CAC relationship successful. How does one achieve the elusive, CACy Ever-After?
OCal: OK, people, this is the part of the interview where you hit the �print� button on your computer and really pay attention if you want to be eating at the pink snack bar after a League Nite Out. Fcuk Match.com, E-Harmony, Craigslist and Truck Stops, if you really are serious about building a meaningful relationship that lasts, just follow this 3 step-idiot proof process.
Step 1 � Get her/him shattered at Tommy Doyles (cough…Sponsor…cough). Alcohol is the 21st centuries� version of �the clubbing over the head and dragging her back to the cave.� What a simple bludgeoning to the head use to do, can be accomplished with a simple liquid potion. We�ve become so civilized as a society over the last couple thousand years.
Step 2 � If she gets drunk enough to hook up with you, the next day, you threaten to tell everyone how big of a whore she is, if she does not date you. If she cares about her reputation at all, this threat will buy you at least 2-3 months. If she doesn�t care about her reputation, then you probably don�t want to �date her�, so consider the drunken hook up the highlight of the relationship and move on.
Step 3 � After the 3 months, you need to build up some leverage. If history has taught us anything, the easiest way to build power is to manufacture it. Have one of your friends attempt to mug her outside her apartment and you come to the rescue. Some fake blood and a couple bumps/bruises will be key. Then, any time she tries to break up with you, you guilt her right back into your arms.
If this 3 step process doesn�t work, I don�t know what will.
JBerr: A lifetime supply of roofies?
OCal: Couldn�t hurt. From a female�s point of view, how should us hapless men go about snagging a prized female like yourself?
JBerr: That’s easy, have a big dick.
If you don’t have one, you have to be one…most of the time, and then every once in a while say or do something nice. When you�re with her make her feel like she is the only person that exists, but when you�re not with her leave her wondering if you even know she exists. Only spend time with her in intervals, giving her a lot of attention at once and then suddenly none at all�juggling at least 2 girls at the same time easily facilitates this. Make her feel like she is the unique answer to all of your problems, while simultaneously appearing oblivious to this fact, (this takes some practice). Be aggressive at first, but then slowly taper off. Within a few weeks time, if you want her she�s yours, and if not you can abruptly drop off the radar and move on to your next victim, leaving her to think she did something wrong.
OCal: If our advice doesn�t lead to more breading amongst our viewers I don�t know what will.
JBerr: Your write-ups are famous for their speed and humor. Rumor has it, people would rather read a random write-up you�ve written than the one Tibbs wrote about their own game, we�ll disregard that it could have something to do with the fact that no write-ups are ever posted for their games. We�re all amazed at how you do it. So tell me, you�ve seen it all, covered every league at one time or another, what is your favorite league to do the write-ups for? Favorite player? Why?
OCal: I have gotten around to say the least. For the majority of my CAC career, I was on the A1 beat, Monday nights, and until the B1East blew up, the A1 was probably the liveliest league. Now, we have a phenomenal staff who have made almost every league the place to be.
The 5 on 5A League has some great talent, but not much in the Message Board personality department. I love �The Upper Crust� (who has won 2 championships under different names), they got great nick-names like �Crotch Rot�, Benny �Turn your head and� Coffin, and Mr. Buckets to name a few. They are very old school, move without the ball, play D, and shoot the 3. Then, we got the Milrats and the perennial MVP, my man, the �Bearded Mamba� Basil Wajd.
The ladies league that use to be Sundays (as I reference in my last blog) was a great time to say the least. I loved the Black Mamba, Icebox, and Hot Pots� franchises.
JBerr: The feeling was mutual. We�ve neva found anotha writer-upper sweeter than you, sweeter than you�
OCal: Each team had great players who brought some personality to the table, mostly spite directed at me behind the whistle, but once PStone took over reffin� and I was doin� write ups, it was like when Albert Einstein figured out that PB should go with J on white bread.
JBerr: I think you mean marble bread�
OCal: What about you? You�ve gotten around like me? What players/leagues wet your whistle?
JBerr: I certainly have seen my fair share of CAC over the past couple of years, and there’s no CAC I don’t like. But, my fav of the fav I would definitely have to say was the Summer 08 and the original 5v5 East. Back when we thought Serge had recruited his entire team from the European professional league, where notable newcomer who is now a common stape @ CAC, Khalid got his start; and Terrycloth, Tibbs, Bfrat, Raj, America’s Greatest Hero and some others all served to turn one another into the worst group of ballers I’d ever seen�talk about dysfunctional; it’s when I originally fell in love with my future husband, AO; Mixtape rebounded better than anyone in the league and I still didn’t give him any awards; Pete Mugar and the Corporation solidified themselves as worthy Championships. It was a good summer, the league got so popular (thanks to my coverage) that it’s now split into an East/West Division.
I <3 CAC
But let’s get to the juicy stuff, I sent my investigator to your basement to do some �investigative research�. She found the tee-shirt pictured below and wrapped inside of it were a few notable items, what appeared to be a black strap-on, a bottle of half-used, strawberry flavored, self-warming lube, and a Bible with a picture of David Duchovney taped to inside the cover. I gotta ask, what is it you want so badly to believe?
OCal: I want to believe Agent Dana Scully�s carpet matched her curtains but Fox never seemed to be digging the fire crotch. Maybe I should want to believe Fox wasn�t putting from the rough, because the first thing I would have done as Agent Mulder was to convince Scully that my seamen was the fountain of youth. Just imagine the possibilities…(Yes, nerd-alert, I was/am an X-Files fan).
JBerr: That�s so typical of you, OCal, to pollute a successful working relationship with sex. The show wasn�t called Sex-Files, Mulder & Scully were too good for that. Although, you do have to wonder with all those abductions and probes if Gillian Anderson wasn�t getting it on with the aliens, they never did explain how she got pregnant..? (double nerd alert)
OCal: And I will thank you to stay out of my personal belongings in the future. I�m just glad your investigator didn�t snoop into my nightstand. Please give me some advice, what should my response be the next time I hear a girl lie and say that she doesn�t �double click her own mouse�?
JBerr: Trust me, if I could have got my hands on some Haz Mat safety gear I would have sent her into your night stand. You got off lucky on that one, and speaking of getting (yourself) off�why should girls admit to jilling-off when guys refuse to admit they go down on themselves? If you’re really desperate for something to say though, just tell her she has a beauty reminiscent of a Picasso painting.
OCal: I have NEVER gone down on myself. I had the ribs removed for a purely flatter stomach.
JBerr: See! Just like I said. Deny, deny, deny! Now, make like Picasso and get outta my Box, and please take your mess with you!