Are you tired of reading meandering and mildly offensive write-ups? Do they always leave you wanting more from your CAC experience? Well how about a 4 hour sitting diary of Wednesday’s CAC Coed Naked 5 on 5 League from a CAC Hall of Famer? Plus, I can guarantee it is written drug-free. Sure I may have missed a few stats here and there while writing down some of these gems during the games, but we all know that would have happened anyway. Enjoy.
First, a few compulsory notes:
- The next CAC League Night Out is Friday, May 14th at Tommy Doyle’s in Harvard Square. It’s one of the few chances in your life where you get to be there AND be square.
- The sign-up deadline for CAC Winter 2023 league is just around the corner. Email Tibbs with your team now as spots can fill quickly.
12:00 – After hearing that I will be scoring her game tonight, JBerr points out just how far my Q rating has fallen. Just a few weeks ago I was inducted into the CAC Hall of Fame, and now I am filling in at the scorer’s table for some guy named “JZuk” that we found off Cragslist. I strongly prefer the term “special guest appearance” to “Craigslist Filler.”
5:55 – As I race to pick-up my special stat keeping pen at the CAC, I see Tibbs and Caitlyn making out at a crosswalk. I thought they were saying goodbye for the night or something, but no, they were just waiting for the light to turn. Why isn’t Tibbs working at least one of the 47 leagues we have going on? How does he have time to have a make-out session on a Wednesday night and I don’t?
6:00 – Genzyme vs Dizzy Llamas (Blue)
6:15 – Since the ref hasn’t made an appearance yet, I give the players two choices that could ultimately determine their fate: (a) have me ref the game and there’d be no stats, or (b) have me keep stats and the players can ref themselves. Deep quickly notes that having me ref is pretty much the same thing as reffing themselves, and wisely chooses (b). I wish I could say there was at least mild disagreement on this point, but it was unanimous.
6:16 – I realize that we neglected to decide whether offense or defense calls the fouls.
6:17 – Mayhem ensues.
6:23 – Biehler takes another defensive rebound coast to coast. He must spend all day just doing triceps.
6:26 – Rodney the Ref shows up. Thankfully, it was getting pretty ugly out there. See Deep, I would have at least added some order to the game!
6:32 – I notice that my scoreboard has a sign on it that says “no horn.” As the clock winds down to the end of the 1st half, I scream to Rodney the Ref that “I have no horn!” He stares at me expressionless, while JBerr nods profusely on the sidelines.
6:34 – Souza is a beast! Nice touch around the hoop and ferocious on the boards. He definitely doesn’t play like Betty White out there.
6:39 – Antone is a nice complimentary player as well down low. Jamison is giving him a bad name though in the Cavs/Celts series.
6:45 – This girl Gwen on Genzyme is really great to watch! Three unreal dishes in a row (but she’s not on the roster, so stats are 6 points, 3 assists for inquiring minds).
6:46 – The fact that girls have to use a men’s ball goes way too unnoticed in these leagues. It’d be like guys using a beach ball in some cases. And if you have ever been to Daytona Beach in March, guys and beach balls don’t mix very well.
6:49 – Googs is definitely a fan favorite out there. My favorite though is Sam as he has embraced the Pauly D blowout. Love it.
6:57 – Genzyme pulls away behind a few more coast to coasts by Biehler and Carrot Hop’s all around game. DL hung tough throughout behind Souza and Antone, but didn’t have the horses to stay with G-Unit.
6:59 – How does BFab ref these games without at least some bias? I mean, he IS Genzyme basketball and has way more vested interest in them winning another title than anyone. If I were the other teams, I’d boycott the games he pretends to ref.
7:00 – Wheels of Steel vs. Thank You Jaegermeister
7:02 – Wheels of Steel (also known as the “all bicep team”) just looks too big for the Jaeger squad.
7:05 – But Jaeger does have to be near the top of the CAC “all-attractive” team. Having no subs is going to make their task much more difficult.
7:15 – It’s all Wheels so far in this one. Brian A is just dominant underneath and is at least twice the size of anyone on the opposing team.
7:27 – Despite being up big, Wheels doesn’t seem to have a second gear. They apparently have adopted the Steve Spurrier “I’ll stop trying to score when they do” mentality. Plus, we all know chicks dig the stat line.
7:30 – The obligatory “I have no horn” mating call from the Wolverine just before the half.
7:43 – A very good second half by Jaeger. Kate caught fire from the outside while Kathy and Kasey handled the boards. Devin has solid hoop skills and showed flashes of brilliance, he just needs to make himself shine a little more often. Ben is a nice shooter from the outside, so Jaeger just needs to add some beef to their frontline.
7:55 – I wonder what the rule is for having women play? One on the court at all times? Two? I should probably have asked someone this before now. I bet JZuk has the rules on the back of his dental forceps to remind him.
8:00 – Weapons of Mass Seduction vs Dizzy Lamas (White)
8:02 – I love it when couples decide to play on the same team together. I wonder what Erin and Harvey’s combined career player rater is? Has to be up there with Jabby and Taitlin’s. CAC – where Magic Sprinkles happen!
8:10 – There are a ton of steals in this game so far, but steals never get any love. Quick, who lead the NBA in steals this season? Right, no idea. How about blocks? Yep, Dwight Howard. And there is even have a cool name for when there are a lot of blocks in a game -“A Block Party.” Let’s think of one for steals so we can put them on the map. How about a Ponzi Party? Or a Prometheus Party? What about Madoff Madness? I’ll stop.
8:15 – Pat Brown is a very nice inside player for DL White- expect an automatic double/double from him every night.
8:24 – Wouldn’t know it by looking at her, but Artz is really holding her own down low against the much bigger DL squad. And I am not 100% sure, but I think her BF also plays for the squad, making Weapons one big lovefest of a team. Wait, I think I just figured out their team name…
8:30 – As the clock winds down to zero before the half, I declare for the 15th time tonight “I have no horn!” This is getting embarrassing.
8:37 – Harry just missed a three, updating everyone that he had “lost his mojo.” Is Twitter and Facebook infiltrating minds so much that people are now providing us with regular updates on their status verbally? And I had no idea that people still used that term – good for you Harry for joining VH1 in keeping the 90’s alive.
8:47 – Gotta hand it to Harry and Merano as their threes really made the difference late to pull away from the llamas. Harry is actually a good player despite what Herbie the dentist says. And anytime someone uses the word “actually” before a compliment, it’s not a true compliment.
8:49 – For the record, I am not an anti-dentite. I just don’t think they should have their own schools.
8:52 – Joe on DL White is really, I mean, really fast. And intense. I suspect he’s some sort of triathlete or something. Or chugged seven pre-game Red Bulls.
8:55 – I can’t believe that Erin just cussed right in front of my scorer’s table. I am so mad at her right now I could f*&%$in scream!
8:58 – Speaking of which, anyone notice that all of a sudden there is an enormous church right across from the CAC? Will we be seeing a CAC Church League soon? Automatic techs for swearing? Holy water for all players? All of your half-court prayers get answered? I’ll stop there.
9:00 – Above the Rim Jobs vs Game…Blouse
9:01 – Looks like a nice group for the last game of the night. And the ATRJ’s have a few fans who made it out for the nightcap. Good for them!
9:17 – Fouls are few and far between, but good to see that the players understand that Rodney is on his 4th hour of reffing. When you have the late game, don’t expect a ton of calls to be made. Wear body armor, like that faker LeBron.
9:27 – Chris B is everywhere in this game. He’s non-stop on both ends of the floor, something you don’t expect for such a skilled player.
9:30 –Have we ever had a 6 month period where the top 2 mega sports stars in the world have fallen so fast? Who says the internet was a good thing.
9:35 – Liz on ATRJ had a great 2nd half with 10 points (yet she’s not on the roster so I can’t enter stats yet). Great shooter though
9:37 – Barron is also a fantastic shooter for GB. Don’t think she missed a shot tonight and looked tough as nails out there. She also got a few compliments from the opposing fans, which is always nice.
9:44 – Oh yeah, almost forgot, GB has a three headed monster in Reddick, Rory and Nate. The funny thing is, they are almost the exact same player. They’ll be tough to match-up against this season and off the cuff, I predict they win it all.
9:47 – Nice run at the end by ATRJ with some hot shooting from behind the arc by Chris J. But it wasn’t enough as GB was too much.
9:50 – There’s the final second off the clock ending a great night of hoops. Rodney the Ref, as always, was on top of his game. I still think he is a dead ringer for Willie McGinest.
10:00 – As I am driving back to the CAC, some guys blatantly cuts me off at an intersection. This really irks me, especially after a long night of work, so I proceed to tailgate him for the next few blocks, obnoxiously flashing my high beams at him. He pulls over and gets out of is car, waving me over and obviously looking for a fight. I slowly pull my car up next to him, role down the window and say “I am sorry, but I have no horn!”