The Milk Man

Because some things just have to be done
Most of you don’t know this story, and your lives won’t be any better once you know it, but I’m going to share it with the masses.  There’s a great show on the Travel Channel called Man vs Food (you know how you know I’m gay?) that I watch on a regular basis.  Adam Richman (do I need to ask the Travel Channel to relay this info to you, or will they appreciate the free pub?) goes from city to city visiting various restaurants.  At the end of the show he attempts a food challenge that I usually think is either impossible, or just plain stupid.  Seriously, check out the site – – this makes it okay for me to post about them, right?

Anyway, A few weeks back, I was drinking with the Jumpman while watching one of Richman’s latest shows.  It just so happened that for his challenge that week, he had to polish off 120 ounces of Milkshake in an hour. Not a problem, one would assume, yet he falls nearly 50 ounces short.  This is the ONLY challenge that I have ever seen him do, where I think, to myself, “Sh!t, I can do that, it’s not so hard!”  Unfortunately for me, I happen to say that out-loud, and Henderson is there to call my bluff.   But oh no, I’m not bluffing, we choose a date for this thing, and it’s happening!! Thankfully for all involved, my blender has measurements on the side, it will ‘only’ take 3 of them for me to win this challenge, and mostly my pride.

Tibbs vs Food, round 1, FIGHT!!

1:00 PM – Yea, running a tad behind, I inform the Jumpman that this thing will be running late.  I know what you’re thinking, and no I’m not backing out, I’m going through with this!!

2:00 PM – Time is whisking away on this beautiful Saturday but thankfully the Draft being pushed back until 4 pm is making this day possible.  I’m gearing up for it, now I just have to find my way to my apt…

3:00 PM – Finally, I’m at The Beacon and ready to start this thing.  NFL Draft preview is on in the back ground, and we’re setting the ground rules for this challenge.  Contrary to popular belief, or at least mine, the challenge is to be done in half an hour, not an hour as originally suspected.  Apparently I overlooked that very important aspect of the original challenge.  I could have sworn it was 60 minutes, not 30!! So yea, this makes things a bit more, rushed…I’m not nervous or anything…

3:13 PM – Fittingly, the Jumpman has found a giant mug to hold the entire blender’s worth of deliciousness.  It’s no longer 120 oz, it’s just 3 mugs, I can do that.  I’m psyching myself up and getting ready to battle.

3:15 PM – The timer starts as I take my first sip. Only half an hour for 120 oz of Chocolatey delicious milkiness, 3 blenders full, no problem, right?

3:15:30 PM – Hey this is pretty easy….

3:17 PM – Really, I don’t see the big deal about this.  The first blender (40 oz) has disappeared.  This is going to be hard? Really, come on now…

3:20 PM – The second blender is going down just as easily as the first.  Halfway down, and yea I’m slowing down, but I am way ahead of the necessary pace.

3:22 PM – Oh god, laughing is starting to hurt.  The Shepard is cracking up the crowd and I’m not immune to his routine.  Damn him…

3:25 PM – The second blender is completely down the hatch, and I’m still feeling pretty good, but as the Good King points out, my enthusiasm has waned considerably.

3:27 PM – I had 20 minutes to finish the last blender, but 2 minutes in and I haven’t even touched my giant mug.

3:32 PM – This is going to be a lot harder than I expected, a few sips in, and I’m struggling.  It’s not what’s going down, it’s what’s already in my stomach.  It’s trying to revolt, I can do this!! It’s not even an entire gallon of milk (ok, I’m on my second gallon of ice cream, damn jumpman made these thick) YES I CAN!!

3:40 PM – Five minutes to go, and I’ve only got about 12 ounces left to finish.  Oh so gd close.  Oh so gd far away

3:43 PM – Everyone is counting down my last 120 seconds.  I’ve got like nothing left, but can’t seal the deal.  I’m going to vomit, according to the rules, I have to hold down what I’ve in-taken for the next half an hour to consider it a win.  Oh yea, plus I have to finish these last 10 ounces…

3:44 PM – 10 OUNCES!! Yea, I can’t do it, I push the cup away with 60 secounds to go.

3:44:45 PM – Yea I’m done, but at least I’m not going to yak anyway…

3:46 PM – Hey look at that, all those soft a$$h0le$ that DIDN’T drink 110 oz of milkshake are calling me a soft pu$$y boy.  Guess who’s not impressed…THE GUY WHO WAS OH SO CLOSE!!

3:50 PM – I’m not going to puke, I’m not going to puke….

3:52 PM – Everyone is convinced it’d be better to just yak, since I lost the challenge anyway. It’s not like I have any pride left, but by god, I’m going to hold all 110 oz down.  For what little pride I have left, I broke triple digits damn it, and no one can take that away from me!

3:55 PM – You know who’s a man, the guy that doesn’t panic and turn and bolt when the going get’s tough.  You know where the going has gotten tough?? In my small intestine, but I’m not going to give in!!

4:15 PM – Firmly entrenched on the couch, under 3 blankets in Boston’s first day of 80 degree I’m wondering if I’m going to make it.  I haven’t prayed since I was like, 14, but I’m seriously considering making a plea to any and all celestial, omnipotent deities that might be listening…

4:40 PM – I would just like to thank all the sick, twisted souls who have been asking me how the challenge went.  Especially you Frail, as if I didn’t already dislike you enough, you’re an A1 captain next season. Don’t you know that will only provide me with even more unnecessary ammo that you won’t be able to stop me from using? Man you’ve got a lot to learn…

5:00 PM – I’ve been huddled under blankets and trying to fight off nausea for nearly an hour. That doesn’t make me a pu$$y, it makes me a guy that just consumed 110 oz of milkshake.  Until you do the same, I advise you to stfu!!

5:15 PM – Look who just made an inappropriate sexual connotation joke about Bush!! THIS GUY!!

5:39 PM – And We’re back baby!! Someone make me a grain alcohol smoothy!!

5:42 PM – Thanks Macho!!

5:45 PM – Ok, I’ve got to do it, but it’s totally worth it!!  No one, not even my stomach, can stop me from drinking for the rest of the night.

6:00 PM – Sneakily, the Sox are playing a great game on the second tv. Sure I’m the only one that has notice because I’m in the prone position, but just because the tv is mute, doesn’t mean the content isn’t worth paying attention to!!

6:15 PM – The Pats just keep on tradin’ down.  But you know what, I trust Belliey – I know he has our best interests at heart.  And if that doesn’t reassure me, I can always trust the guys at to lead me the in the right direction.  Man this is almost as usefull as a link dump!! Don’t say I never did anything for you people!!

7:55 PM – I’m just fine to walk to walk to FoodMaster to pick up more mixers.  Wait, no I’m not.  It’s been nearly 4 hours, come on!! How long does it take to digest over a gallon of dairy that invades a system in only 1800 seconds??

8:06 PM – Lowell does it AGAIN as Damon collides with the wall, 3 runs score to put the sox up 4.  After the great game last night (one I went to, have I mentioned that yet?) this series is bringing out the best from both team’s offenses, pitchers? Not so much…

8:45 PM – “Do you know what it’s like rooting for a team that’s not even trying to get better??”  The Shepard, needless to say, is disappointed that the Bears traded their ONLY Day 1 pick.  Not up, or for any player, for a third round pick tomorrow.  Ah, this reminds me of the revised version of the Bears Fight Song that i just made up…

Trade down, Chicago Bears, make every pick a practice squad selection!
Trade down, Chicago Bears, don’t even fight for starters so valuable
We’ll never forget the way you tried to tank the ’10 Season.
Trade Down, Chicago Bears, and let them know why you’re good no more.
You’re the shame and blame of Illinois, Chicago Bears, Trade Down!

Here’s the original, in case you were wondering…

9:45 PM – That’s right Terry, remember how to play pitch.  It will consume you for the rest of your life.  If there is anyone else out there who knows how to play pitch/setback let me know now!! Or forever hold your tricks…

10:00 PM – Seriously, try it out – I know it’s not just Cake & Sprinkles that knows what I’m talking about…

1:00 PM – Damn it’s been a long @$$ time since I’ve updated this – it’s time for bed b!tches!! And don’t think I’ll back out the next time I do this, I’m getting all 120 oz down, or else they won’t call me the Milk Man… The lesson, as always, Ladies and Gentleman, is that I may or may not have screw loose.  But you know what, man had to stare down the barrel of the milkshake eventually, I’m just glad it was me.  And next time, for there WILL be a next time, I’m going to finish what I started!

1:05 PM – No, Smallville is NOT on my TV, why do you ask?? Superman had to grow up too!!!  Good night Boston!!