Slipping on banana peels, pies to the face, and the Wolverine – three things that need to make a comeback in comedy. Today we get one of those three to come back to CAC as we present to you a Trap/Corner collaboration version 2.0. For those of you who have not read version 1.0 from 2006, well, most of the same jokes are also used here so there is really no need to dig into the league news archive (but we know you will anyway).
Stallion: What gives? Have you refused to blog until the Commish fixes your picture on the website or are you going the way of Ghandi and peacefully protesting the fact that we have to pay for drinks now?
Wolverine: There was no need to deface my blog picture like that to make it look like I was electrocuted. I know I am not as handsome as I once was, but they donít update Mt. Rushmore, do they?
Stallion: I may be younger, a lot younger, a whole hell of a lot younger than you,
Wolverine: Lock it up!
Stallion: Ok sorry for the rant, but I do know that you donít spit into the wind, you donít tug on supermanís cape, and you donít deface a legendís blog picture, especially one as exterior conscious as you. But a good song never gets old Matt (yes, I first-named him), so to me youíre still the same Saugonian transplant paying me and my friends for protection when you moved to Somerville.
Wolverine: Thatís true, except I live in Cambridge now and need protection from the people yelling at me because they noticed on trash day that I didnít recycle my Cocoa Pebbles cereal box. Wait, why am I the one in bold!?
Stallion: Your whole life has been ìin boldî so I thought the font would do you justice. Plus, I figured youíre old eyes would need a darker font when you proofread.
Wolverine: Your thoughtfulness is surpassed only by your ability to make someone feel awful about themselves.
Stallion: First time Iíve ever heard that statement from a male, but if you want a pick me up, you have been inducted into CACís inaugural Hall of Fame (coming to the News Tab on the website December 21st). How does it feel?
Wolverine: Itíd feel a lot better if KevyKev Scott wasnít also elected on the 1st ballot.
Stallion: Haha, I guess you feel its like when you are so proud about hooking up with the hottest chick you have ever hooked up with – say Brittany Spears 5 years ago – only to find out she hooked up with Kevin Federline. I believe economists and gossip columnists call it ìdiminished value.î But the Barking Crab, Black Ice, Kevy Kev is my boy so he had to get the nod.
Wolverine: Wait, am I getting in as a player or referee? I need to pick which youth large dry-fit to put on my bust.
Stallion: You ref? I never noticed you on the court. And yes, that joke never gets old no matter how many years Iíve been using it for, including the 3 times I used it on you and Brian Wednesday in the A2 semiís. Of course weíre all on the same team no matter who is playing so it doesnít matter. The only reason why I ever win (or lose for that matter) a game down here is because of the refs.
Wolverine: My power to get into peopleís heads is undeniable. Lighthouse Bermont will need therapy forever.
Stallion: How would you rate this new crop of CACís employees?
Wolverine: With the league participation, board activity and fees at an all-time high, I credit many of the current employees for continuing the tradition of making as many average people feel great about themselves as possible. Donít get me wrong, it doesnít mean some of the new staffers arenít d-bags that I personally wouldnít spare a square for, but as long as they keep helping rake in the cash, theyíll be here for a long time. Your thoughts?
Stallion: They are great, I just wish the Commish would stop putting, ìmust try to ëout-lazyí the rest of the staff or must act like a complete dueshbag to your fellow employees when you play your gameî in the classified add.
Wolverine: Rumor has it you will soon be moving into Cheí Ripley for a modest fee and unlimited access to your endless harem of younger ladies. True story?
Stallion: Me and Rip would be the perfect reality TV show – the Pretty Boy and the Clown. But if anyone else calls my roommate a clown, I will toss them a beat down.
Wolverine: Rip is not going to like that joke one bit.
Stallion: Um, yeah Matt, thatís why anyone calling him a clown will be served said beatdownt…( The Wolverine shakes his head in dismay and realized his last statement just went over the young ladís head) But seriously, I could see us making each other better – him borrowing my jorts during those steamy summer parties, me borrowing his hair bleach to give the oleí unibrow a new look to impress the high class ladies at Skanctuary. Ratings galore!
Wolverine: Whatís the first thing players should do when they see you walk onto the court to ref their game?
Stallion: First, if they brought a girl, tell her to leave if sheís into Babyface Rides (next A1 team name). Second, tell me how funny I am and I will give them every call in the book. Surprisingly, I donít get a lot of compliments outside of CAC for some odd reason.
Wolverine: You should start wearing your whistle around townÖ
Stallion: I know itís because the real world doesnít have a player rater where women can see how much of a stud I really am. I still live with my parents, so of course women think Iím a loser, but itís really just because Iím such a huge family guy. If the real world had a player rater, my love for my family would put me in the top 5 no doubt, but of course women have to buy into the stereotypes.
Wolverine: Kind of like single, fastidious guys with a female cat?
Stallion: That brings me to my next question: why has Delilah failed to dub any woman ìdrop-rock worthy,î that you have brought back to the crib? What are they lacking?
Wolverine: Well, sobriety usually. But on a sad note, the most famous cat on the planet has unfortunately gone the way of free towels for non-member hoop players ñ no more. I will miss her terribly watching Friday night Celts games eating an entire box of Cocoa Pebbles (Fred Flintstone should not be recycled!).
Stallion: I am really sorry, but Iím pretty sure she lasted a lot longer than she was supposed to given she walked around for the better part of her life a kitty in a caveman catís body. Thatís a lot of dead weight.
Wolverine: She had thyroid issues!
Stallion: Speaking of dead weight, why does Tibbs have a picture of David Stern as his avatar? Is this wishful thinking by the Pasty One or is the Commish going to have an ìaccidentî he doesnít know about?
Wolverine: I wondered the exact same thing. Shouldnít it be someone like Rod Thorn, Dick Cheney, or maybe Dwight Schrute, assistant to the regional manager?
Stallion: Although I would give a lot of money to change his avatar to Jackie Moon or the Albino from Da Vinci Code, I would give even more money to get my hands on your late catís memoirs.
Wolverine: All drafts of her tell-all book ìMy Life and Times with the Wolverineî have been destroyed. Here is the lone surviving excerpt:
On a recent Saturday night, the Wolverine was standing in line at the 7-11 with a 5-hour energy drink in is hand. A young, college-looking kid ahead of him turned around and asked ìDo those things really work?î The Wolverine quickly replied ìDo those?î pointing to a 6 pack of condoms the young man was preparing to buy for some reason.
(The two have to take a 5 minute break because was probably the funniest line ever uttered in the Corner)
Stallion: Will you accompany me to D.C. to ask the government to bail out CAC as staffers now have to pay for their drinks?
Wolverine: Unless you are an affluent, white male running a company into the ground, the government has no money for you.
Stallion: Who is the hottest chick in entertainment right now?
Wolverine: Apparently anyone who has ever dated Sean Avery. My list of sloppy seconds from Adrian Grenier, Chris Slade, Bill Belichek and a Bruin who shall remain nameless for fear of my life suddenly doesnít look so great.
Stallion: Speaking of ladies, how have the ladies in the 4 on 4 been treating you? Iím sure the complaints are minimal as their species is supposed to be the ìtendererererî of the two.
Wolverine: I didnít experience much time, love or tendernace (Hi-Five reference intentional) from any of the ladies on or off the court. As a result, I abdicated my Tuesday night throne to pretty much whoever wanted it. It was never the same once the Sergeon General went on sabbatical anyway.
Stallion: What did you think of the excerpt I pulled from your Trap with the OTJ in 2004?
ìOTJ: Ten years from now, Bush will be a legend…for standing up for the right thing and executing it. Kicking peopleís butts is required from time to time…and I will give Bush credit for doing it. He’s not the best, but I’ll take what I’m getting right now.”
Wolverine: I think it proves what we all suspected about OTJ back then ñ that he smoked a little too much Dutchie for his own good. So tell me, itís got to be a little lonely on the court being the only one of the originals left vying for CAC championship bricks and belts, doesnít it? Kind of like Will Smith in ìI am Legend?î
Stallion: It helped that I had about 10 years on everyone. Despite all the new greats that have graced CACís presence (Macho, my Big Nice crew, JBerr) itís been sad to see all the great guys moving on to put the bball shoes on the shelf to get married, raise kids…Oh, and work nights as refs to save up for new pets.
Wolverine: If I was married and had kids, then Iíd definitely be playing in as many leagues as Turin does. That guy really needs the work on his rebounding though, so it makes sense.
Stallion: Donít hate on the MixTape for trying to fill the rebounding void YOU left when you retired for the zillionth time. I respected your decision to retire from playing in the leagues, but I will not stand idly by when you are not blogging and hating on the MixTape at the same time.
That being said, it was a pleasure to have you return to your calling (besides reffing of course), entertaining the CAC masses.
Wolverine: This has been great, thanks for organizing this. Stay tuned for my next blog titled: ìThe Wolverine at age 50 ñ How I Wasted My Life at the CAC.î
Stallion: So youíre going to make us all wait a whole year until your next blog?!? To quote the great Fred Bermont, ìCOME ON WOLVERINE!!!î