The Wolverine Trap: Brian Merrill

Brian Merrill

Brian Merrill

This season’s 1st installment on the Wolverine Trap is the leading scorer and team leader of the Fama Bacon Whores Brian Merrill. This will be Merrill’s 3rd season with the Bacon Whores and he has emerged as one of the top big men in the league. And for the past two seasons, his team has lost heartbreaking playoff games to end their season, most recently a controversial buzzer beater to Team Baka in the Finals that unfortunately was not recorded on tape for league review. This week he is here to answer some questions and set the record straight on where he and Fama stand on issues such as Baka, Bacon and Babes.

Wolverine: Thanks for agreeing to be on this installment of the Trap, Brian.

Brian: Do I know you? Oh, wait, I didn’t recognize you without your orange shirt. Happy to be here.

Wolverine: Tiger wears red on Sundays, I wear orange on Tuesdays. Same thing. Since there has been much talk about last week’s game, let’s cut right to the chase. What are your thoughts about that game?

Brian: It was a tough game to lose. We played a very poor game, which was disappointing considering we played so well the week before. As for the last second shot, that was a long 8 seconds. Speaking of which, did you ever see the movie 8 Seconds starring Dylan McKay?

Wolverine: No. And I don’t have the DVD either.

Brian: I have it saved on my video on demand. Anyway, it was nice to see him rebound after his wife got shot by the hit-men that were supposed to shoot him. Very moving. I also heard Steve Sanders and David Silver are going to be in a movie together. God must love me.

Wolverine: Obvious. You do realize that I have nothing to do with the league videos? I am strictly a ref (at times) and a reporter (at all times).

Brian: Yes, it was disappointing that the last shot wasn’t recorded, but I don’t think people questioned the call too much. Consensus says shot was good. We were more disappointed we didn’t get to see Ed’s heart break in half ala Ralph Wiggum when Lisa dumps him on live TV.

Wolverine: Right, also known as the “Craig Ehlo.” You also realize that the donkey music in the Finals video was not intended to mock the style of play? I remember we had an “A” league video where it was a set of bloopers (myself included), so I think JRod was just trying to be creative. Plus, your team name is the Bacon Whores and you were playing Team Baka, which, from what I was told, means idiot, so how serious are we supposed to take you anyway?

Brian: As seriously as one can take a team with their own uniforms (with BACON across the chest) in a 4 on 4 men’s basketball league where the games are played on a converted racquetball court. Look, I don’t think anyone questions the value of videos, stats, write-ups, etc..it’s what makes this league fun. I think it’s readily evident that we’re all about self-deprecation and having fun. That said, some people felt insulted by the donkey music. It’s one thing for us to call ourselves jackasses, it’s another thing for someone else to do it. JRod says it wasn’t meant in that vein, that’s fine. End of story as far as I’m concerned.

Wolverine: OK, let�s learn a little something about you. Like where did you grow up, go to school, what sports did you play, when did you have your 1st taste of bacon, etc.?

Brian: I was born in New Hampshire, but I grew up in Pennsylvania. I went to a small liberal arts college, Lebanon Valley College. Growing up, I played basketball, football and baseball, but focused mostly on hoop. I ran a minor league basketball team for about 3 years before I realized I needed money, so I moved to Boston. Life has been a fairy tale since. I had my first taste of bacon when I was about 13. I think her name was Amanda.

Wolverine: If you were dating Heidi Klum and she admitted to using cocaine, would you really care?

Brian: Yes, because I’m sure I would be dating her for her charming personality and superior intellect, not her hot skinny body (laughs) I almost kept a straight face there.

Wolverine: What are your thoughts about the upcoming season?

Brian: We decided to go in a different direction for this upcoming season, going with less size and less talent. Hopefully the combination of the two will put us over the top. We’ve grown in our first two seasons, analogous to going from the Atlanta Hawks to the Golden State Warriors. We need to reach Clipper level. Bottom line, I want to win a championship so I can retire my jersey and give the knees a rest before my wheels fall off.

Wolverine: Do you think CRFC should institute random steroid testing?

Brian: I think they should institute Red Bull testing.

Wolverine: Is that your way of getting rid of me?

Brian: I can think of better ways to get rid of you. But as an old and creaky team, the younger guys flying up and down the court are more of a concern than the steroid teams who try to muscle us up. I will say this though – I would enjoy playing in the post a lot more if they had a steroid that didn’t cause acne. You ever try to defend one of those guys? Disgusting.

Wolverine: Better to be a skin than guard a skin. Ok, shameless plug time. What does Fama PR do. Brian (pulling out a stack of notecards): fama PR partners with technology companies to provide excellence in corporate communications and public relations. We deliver superior results and unmatched client service by using experienced PR professionals who apply a common sense, hands-on approach to both strategy and tactics. Working closely with our clients, we create customized communications plans that are directly aligned with business objectives and help increase brand awareness and drive revenue.

Wolverine: I have no idea what that means.

Brian: It means we try and make our clients famous so they can make money.

Wolverine: Oh. That is kind of what I do at CRFC. Please explain the origin of the team name for the fans.

Brian: As for the team name, BaconWhores.com was an online business one of us ran across during our daily er, uh, research sessions. The basic premise was that they would have models deliver and cook bacon for you and your friends. A brilliant and can’t miss idea. We all love bacon, and we all love models. Two great tastes that taste great together.

Wolverine: I cannot believe that is a real business. What am I doing wrong!

Brian: Maybe it’s because you�re not wearing a skimpy enough outfit to cook the bacon. Or maybe it�s because you�re stopping over to people�s houses and doing it without an invitation�

Wolverine: You know what they say �You don�t sell the bacon, you sell the sizzle.� There seems to be a trend of opposing players giving fans the finger. If Fama ever had a road game, what would your team give the fans?

Brian: Well, given that we never get any calls, I would say everyone of our games feel like a road game (laughs).

Wolverine: This is true � I don�t like Fama.

Brian: One day you�ll wake up and realize you were only hating on your brothers� As for the fans, those we�re meeting for the first time, we�d probably give them a taste of the Bacon. For the fans who�ve met us before, we�d likely give them their monthly child support payment.

Wolverine: If you were CRFC Commissioner for a day, what would you do? And I have a contract, so you can�t fire me!

Brian: I would fire whoever gave you a contract that didn�t allow me to fire you. Then I would make it mandatory that all teams travel with a Baka-esque posse. Did you see that crowd? They had the pom poms and everything.

Wolverine: We managed to catch them on the video.

Brian: It felt like I was Tom Selleck in Mr. Baseball. It was awesome, props to those guys, too bad they�re not back this year. Then finally, I would fix the rim that�s bent at a 90 degree angle.

Wolverine: Part of the CRFC mystique. I am told that break-away rims are on the way � for real. What is your strategy this winter to save on the skyrocketing cost of heating your home?

Brian: I siphon heating oil from my Grandmother�s house when I visit her.

Wolverine: Who wins the AL MVP � AROD or Ortiz?

Brian: Ortiz hands down. No one has meant more to their team this year than Papi. AJob has purple lips though, which I know factors in heavily with the sports writers.

Wolverine: Do you think it is a bit odd to have a champagne celebration for a wild-card playoff birth?

Brian: I thought it was weirder a few years ago when they had �Wild Card Champion� T-Shirts they were handing out. Nothing like celebrating being 2nd place. Actually, the BaconWhores did just that after losing the championship game. If you look at the video, we�re not chasing you off the court waving the shot off, we�re celebrating second place, ala Kevin �Cowboy PopUp� Millar.

Wolverine: If your team were forced into the Board room with Donald Trump, who�d be the 1st to be fired?

Brian: I think Ed Harrison would be, just because he would be the most likely to foul the Donald while he was trying to make his case for not being fired.

Wolverine: If your team were forced into the Board room with Martha Stewart, who�d be the 1st to ask her out?

Brian: I have no doubt that it would be Keith. You�re talking about the man who saw Coach Reeves of the White Shadow fame at dinner the other night and immediately began questioning him about why he started Goldstein over Salami. I think he would have the stones to ask Martha out.

Wolverine: Hayward was the best player on that team and Coolidge was a head-case.

Brian: Did you know that after he left Carver High, Coolidge moved to Boston to become an orderly on St. Elsewhere?

Wolverine: Really?

Brian: True story.

Wolverine: I overheard someone say the other day �You know, it�s like they say, if a tree falls in the woods and there is nobody around to see it, does it still make a sound?� I also remember a girl told me one time she couldn�t wait to see what God had in storage for me. What is the worst butchered expression you have heard people use?

Brian: �Why don�t you make like a tree and get out of here.� Biff Tannen used to say that all the time to Marty McFly.

Wolverine: We have a team now in B2 West called 1.21 Jiggawats. Back to the Future never gets old.

Brian: I�ve also heard �Never beat a dead gift horse in the mouth.�

Wolverine: Would you rather spend a week in Taradise or Paris?

Brian: Paris is much cleaner this time of the year and smells better. Although Taradise does resemble the term BaconWhore a lot more closely.

Wolverine: Yeah, she is just like the girl next door – if you lived next door to a meth clinic. Thanks for being on this week’s Trap. You showed a lot of guts coming on amidst all this controversy.

Brian: And thank you for not smashing me in the skull with a coconut like what happened to Jimmy Snuka on the Piper’s Pit.

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