The Wolverine Trap: Jeff Coburn

This installment of the Wolverine Trap will be Jeff Coburn of Cobra Cai. Coburn and the men of Cobra Cai have played very well in their first CRFC league and show great enthusiasm each time they play. However, Mr. Coburn, and maybe a few others on Cobra Cai, feel that I may have a personal vendetta against the team. While I can assure you that I love the Karate Kid and everything Elizabeth Shue has been in since, it is time to explore this myth and many other inner workings of the dojo.

Wolverine: Thanks for agreeing to be on the Wolverine Trap, Jeff.

Coburn: Thanks for having me on. Do you always conduct these interviews in your bedroom with the candles and a Sade CD, or are you expecting somebody after this is over?

Wolverine: Let’s leave your fantasies out of this, Coburn. How did you first hear about the basketball league at CRFC?

Coburn: Mr. Hall somehow managed to trick one of my lovely co-workers into potentially marrying him, so he started showing up drunk at nights out with my co-workers. One of these nights we discovered we shared the same nostalgia for Tom Chambers era basketball and those old “NBA Superstars” videos. The ones with Michael Jordan highlights set to Berlin’s “Take My Breath Away.” Those are sweet and somebody needs to put them out on DVD. Anyway, the next logical step was to join him at CRFC.

Wolverine: Come Fly With Me was a classic. And Chambers had the best dunk I have ever seen against Seattle. His knees were literally above the guys face. Anyway, tell us a little about yourself. You know, where you are from, what do you do for a living, how you got into stamp collecting, etc.

Coburn: I grew up in small town Vermont. I wanted to play college ball, but as fate would have it I didn’t hit my growth spurt until college. And I sucked at basketball. But I seemed to have a freakish cardiovascular system and a high tolerance for pain and boredom. So I ended being a distance runner for 10 years. Now I develop websites, databases, and online applications for a non-profit that does research, training and policy for the inclusion of people with disabilities. I also run my own web site. www.jetsetbingo.com The stamp collecting is a long and storied tradition that has been handed down from generation to generation of Coburn women.

Wolverine: Very cool. How do you guys all know each other?

Coburn: I mentioned above how I met Jeff Hall. I don’t know how the others know each other. I think Jeff just stopped by a bar on the way to the first game and asked who was sober enough to play. I was initially against bringing the a$$hole that asked if he could tape his nickname to his jersey and if it was ok if he did the “Dirty Bird” after each free-throw. Jeff saw some potential, so we brought him.

Wolverine: Do any of you actually do karate? We do offer karate class here at CRFC on Tuesday nights. One night I watched them chop wood with their fists and wondered why they just didn’t use an ax.

Coburn: I actually did Karate when I was in grade school in Vermont. One day a kid in my class flipped out and attacked the sensei. The sensei threw him through a window and then held him out over the street (Fear does not exist in the dojo!). After that my parents said I couldn’t go there any more. Plus my dad had saved up enough to get an ax, so I wouldn’t have to chop wood with my fist anymore (Fear does not exist in this woodshed!).

Wolverine: Ok, let’s cut to the chase. You have said many times that you think I have a personal vendetta against you and your team. I don’t know how a vendetta can be personal if I don’t know you, but here is your opportunity for you to explain this theory.

Coburn: I feel as though the press has misquoted me, and my lawyers intend on appealing the leagues fines. It’s a love/hate relationship between us, through no fault of your own. You see, my family was killed by Wolverines when I was a child, hence the hate. But, as fate would have it I was then adopted and raised by another, completely separate group of wolverines, as one of their own, hence the love. I actually think you are a fine ref. That may not show on my face after I’ve scraped my body off of a renovated racquetball court for the third time in twenty minutes, but I still think you are a good ref. Seriously, the worse job I’ve ever had, and I have had quite a few crappy jobs, was in college when I made money as an intramural referee. Nothing feels worse as a freshman than having a bunch of seniors, who all feel as thought they are the Jordan of intramurals, scream at you for an hour. Do you cry yourself to sleep? Not that I did.

Wolverine: I had the same job and was threatened several times as a freshman at fraternity parties. That was fun. Who on your team is most likely to go down swinging with the ladies on a team night out?

Coburn: I would say Jeff Hall, after I witnessed him on his birthday asking random girls to slap his ass, but I think Prime Time goes tanning or something. Advantage: Prime Time.

Wolverine: Tanning is not that unheard of in CRFC hoop lore. Ok, here is a very rare opportunity. You are one of the few Wolverine Trap members without a current nickname. I hereby authorize you to anoint yourself with a nickname that I will use from here on in. Maybe Prime Time will even make you a nametag for the back of your jersey. What shall it be and why? And please note that Wolverine is already taken (see www.wolverinefoundation.org for nickname explanation).

Coburn: Can you do that? Give yourself a nickname? I feel like that is the equivalent of girls sending themselves flowers. In college I was called ‘reverend’ or ‘rev’ probably because I can get a little preachy if I’ve been drinking. It has kind of stuck, and then last year I actually got ordained as a reverend. Granted I got it for $15 dollars including certificate and business cards online (www.spirtualhumanism.org). There are other sites you can do this through, but they charge more, and speaking as a reverend; those bastards will rot in the seventh level of hell for their price-gouging sins.

Wolverine: Wow, a real life Reverend. Ok, “the Reverand” Jeff Coburn it is from here on in. Maybe you can marry Hall and his girl, although you threw the phrase ‘potentially marrying’ in your previous quote so who knows what will happen there. Any predictions for the upcoming league playoffs?

Coburn: I think we are a team on the rise. We’ll be heading into the playoffs with some good momentum. We could get different results from Prime Time and Rob Jensen if they decide against staying out into four in the morning the night before a game. By different results I mean Rob could actually show up to the game and Duncan could maybe not sweat pure Gin for the first half. Those are the hard sacrifices we will need to make.

Wolverine: I didn’t know people went out on Tuesdays. But I guess if you are Prime Time, then you can do whatever you want. Which one of the Desperate Housewives makes you want to drop everything and move to the suburbs and become a lawn boy?

Coburn: I’ve not seen the show yet, but I would say Teri Hatcher. In high school, a girl pretty much rejected me because she was saving herself for Dean Cain. Since then I’ve harbored a fantasy of finding and seducing Teri Hatcher so that I could call this girl out of the blue to tell her that I had had sex with Teri Hatcher, while she, in fact, had not had sex with Dean Cain. Advantage: Coburn

Wolverine: You should really watch the show. Ok, you are officially out of the Wolverine Trap. Thanks again.

Coburn: Thank you, I hope that we have cleared that air of any differences that existed between us. Good luck with whatever the video equipment and KY is for. I’ll show myself out.

Wolverine: Good luck getting passed the three deadbolts I have on my door!

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