Breathe easy ladies and my strong gay following that one day hopes I switch teams. I am talking about brother Tical who just tied the knot over the weekend with a splendid specimen who will make a tremendous addition to the fam. The ceremony and reception took place at the lovely ìCommonsî in Topsfield (http://topsfieldcommons.com/facility.htm), which just so happened to have a redone coatroom that I couldnít wait to christen in with the first drunken bridesmaid I could find. Allow me to take you through a little piece of Ticalís private thoughts and events from the weekend:
***Although I am terribly scared of marriage, I have to admit, I freakiní love weddings. Everyone gets sloshed, rocks out and gets a decent meal in the process. However, with any family gathering, there always comes those questions from your family that any person still single, living at home and without a real full time job absolutely dreads. How come you arenít getting married like your ìnormalî brother (like getting married is the trademark of the normal)? What are you doing with your life? Where are you living now?
The answers to all of those questions pretty much havenít changed in 10 years for me so I just wish I had a tape recorder I could play and walk back to the bar.
Even better, I must have gotten this question 100 times:
Uncle/Aunt insert name – ìSean, you couldnít find a date?î
Me ñ ìI tried but she wouldnít take a checkî
***On my side of the family, with the exception of my parents, everyone has at least one divorce under their belt so weddings give them the forum to express their less than favorable views on marriage to people like me once theyíve had a few cocktails in them. A couple web gems I got:
ìSean, before you get married, you have to scope your brideís family. If her mom and sisters are older and they got fat, you have to guard against that or find a new girl.î
ìMarriage is like jumping out of plane. It doesnít really make sense to do but everyone should try it once in their life.î
AND (my favorite)
ìNo more bars, churches or match.com. Go to abortion clinics to pick up chicks. Those ladies have 2 very important things that you should want in a woman: You know they arenít virgins and you know they donít want kids.î
***How come this wedding was nothing like Wedding Crashers? No women with tramp-stamps or beautiful women with fake boobs throwing themselves at me. Oh, maybe because most of these people are related to me in some way. As the reception comes to an end, everyone is pretty wasted including yours truly. After numerous cousins turn me down to ìcheck-outî the newly renovated coat-room, I decide to go down there anyways before we go back to the hotel-party. I aint leaving until I do something like the movies. Once I get into the coat-room and see I am by myself, the first coat sleeve I can find becomes the ìobject of my knuckle childrenís affection.î Ohhhh yea, this sleeve got a furry trim! I dont know what PETA is talking about, fur sure dont feel like murder.
***45 seconds later, just as I exit the coat-room, I am whisked away on the shuttle bus back to hotel for the after-party. At the hotel, my brotherís best friendís younger brother is here and partying. Turns out he is on the MTV show ìBromanceî http://www.iamonmtv.com/bromance/LukeVerge
***From 10pm-5am, I make 100 jokes about Bromance, I drink myself into near comatose with my sister-in-lawís giant brothers who love their Jameson and leave for my hotel room on a high note by announcing to everyone in the room:
ìIf my Rooster with a 2 ft dick, had sex with your donkey, then you all would have 2ft of my cock in your ass!î (I may have had a lampshade on my head when I announced my final joke)
*** Mama Tical picks me up from the hotel @10am because I got to coach in a few hours. I asked her how her night ended up. She told me:
ìIt was great, except when me and your father left the Commons I noticed someone had spilt some Ranch Dressing all over my coat sleeveî
I tell her the waiting staff was terrible all night and we should NEVER speak of the coatroom again.