TiCal’s Corner: Docspaulding

Today’s guest is a newbie to the CAC staff, who is very active in the CAC community, playing on the reigning B2 Champion Mikki Moorriors in the B2 East, Group Techs in B2 West, and the Bench Warmers in the Sunday League. As well as being very entertaining on the message boards, Noah has joined the elite task force responsible for providing CAC ballers with stats and write ups for the B2 West.  Today, the CAC staff hazes the new guy and he gets an interview out of it.

Noah, thanks for taking the time to step into the Corner for your interview and rookie hazing (Tical says, stroking/fondling/kissing a 3 foot paddle with the Wolverine�s face on one side, and the MixTape�s on the other � who else�s face would I choose to be on my board?)

 Ok, we will hold off on the paddling until after the questions….

1.  Please, give us (in 1000 words or less) your background and how you came to CAC?

Last Fall, my older brother Joff joined the Radio Flyers in the B2 East after they lost their first game of the season by 50. With him, they lost their second and third games by only 15. I was living inBrighton and attending BC Law, and hadn�t played any organized ball since junior high, but he asked me to join.  I joined them at 0-3 and somehow helped the Flyers win a few games, but any team with me as second scoring option and occasional PG was not going to do any playoff damage. When Flyers disbanded, I put in my own team and joined a couple others. Rest is history.

2.  You gained instant credibility at this past staff meeting by coining �Tommy Points� to help promote our new sponsor at Tommy Doyle�s.  How do you plan on raising the bar here at CAC?

I don�t. If I start putting out other ideas and they suck, it will tarnish my undefeated 1-0 good idea record.  It�s like the Seinfeld episode where George learns to leave on a high note. Though once I pass the bar, maybe I can donate some pro bono time to CAC. You know, negotiate the purchase of a new scoreboard, get them to actually pay minimum wage, etc.

3.  Greatest touchdown celebration of all time?

I�ve always admired guys like Barry Sanders who just hand the ball to the ref.  Just get the job done and head to the sidelines like it was no big deal. Unfortunately, I don�t have the skill to succeed with that type of frequency so if I hit a game winner or have a big game, I run around the court like a fool, lift people in the air, and post shit talk on the message board from my phone while I�m driving home. On the other side of things, I always get a kick out of the guys that go to spike the ball and it hits them or someone else in the balls. The only thing better than a touchdown is watching someone take a shot to the nuts.

Ever since he came to the Pats, I have loved Mr. Straight Cash Homie.  Still, to this day, any time I see the highlight reel play of him Mooning Lambeau Field, it always cracks me up.

4.  Did you like Jordan�s Hall of Fame Speech?

I actually didn�t watch it live, so after every sports website and blog told me how awful it was, I expected him to be dropkicking babies and quoting Hitler. Anyone who expected him to get up there and give a Lou Gehrig �luckiest man� type speech apparently didn�t pay attention to his entire career. Dude was a dick. He called some people out, he still held some grudges, and it was all about him, just like when he played. If he gave some moving speech, I was just assume he paid some speechwriter to put it together. At least it was honest. I�m just hoping that thisJordan vs. Russell 1-on-1 matchup happens.

I absolutely, LOVED this speech.  No doubt about it.  People today are pussies, lets be honest.  When adversity comes knocking, most people buckle.  This dude has turned negative into positive every stage of his career.  With all the people he called out, I�m surprised he didn�t call out his birth doctor for slapping him too hard…I can see it now, �And you, Dr. Schwartz, when you slapped my ass and made me cry, I knew right then, I was never going to cry again.�

5.  These interviews serve as information to those of us who do not play in the same leagues, as well as time capsules for you so please, give me some of you top/bottom moments at CAC thus far:

Top: Winning the B2 title last season. We started off the season 1-4 including a pair of 25+ point blowout losses. At the end of the regular season we needed an OT buzzer beater three just to make the playoffs. Not a single player in the Top 20 in PR or Top 10 in any statistical category, but we came together as a team and got it done.

Bottom: Getting made fun of by Frail and Kaplan on the message boards. Words hurt guys! Seriously though, one day Kaplan is calling me a loser and saying that �CAC is my life� and the next day Bfab is calling me a douchebag and saying I�m disrespecting CAC by not being committed and forfeiting a B2 game. Tough crowd.

6.  Who here at CAC are some of the top ballers on the court?

I�ll narrow my answers to some B2 guys, since those are the ones I know.

Jamil Ball- I play on 3 teams with him and when he decides to go full speed, which he rarely does, nobody in the league can really stop him. Most of my points come off cheap layups when the entire team swarms him as he�s driving and he passes off to me. Put some money or beer on the line and he�d average a triple double easily.

I would love to see Jamil, BFab, and the Commish in his prime to have a �Sand-bag� off to see who would be the greatest CAC sandbagger.

Daniel Watson- I never realized how good he is until I tried covering him in pickup. Between his down low power and that awkward yet deadly accurate step-in three, he can pretty much do everything. Unfortunately his Cleary Club team stands between my team and a repeat title run, so he�ll have to be shut down.

Joff Spaulding- A little nepotism here, and he has some off games, but he plays with a level of intensity that is scary (and I�m on his team).  Tibbs is usually too busy multi-tasking on the balcony to notice, but he averages at least 3-4 blocks per game and can really close down the lane.  Now that he has quit smoking, I expect some DPoY-level work.

Pat Lawson- Now that he is out on his own in the B2 West he�s going to have some ridiculous games.  It�s a shame that the Genzyme East team was disbanded, because beating them was my favorite regular season CAC victory. Against some of the lesser West teams he will put up some triple digit PR performances. 

Tons of other people on same level as above (Greg Noel, BMul, Goldberg, Q, Bermont, etc.) but those were some that came to mind. In reality, this season will be all about the new guys. My East and West team started off 4-0 and our leading scorer in each of those games was a rookie or second year guy.  Guys like Yann and Dre will become big names in B2 once they play a few more seasons.

 Who here at CAC brings the intangibles (i.e. who brings entertainment value on the message boards and even on the court?)

I think Gerrity is one of the guys that has mastered the art of message board and court shit talking. Injects just enough creativity and self-deprecation into his insults that you don�t take him too seriously.  Even his efforts in getting the �Darkoff� (Darko + Craigslist killer Markoff) nickname for me off the ground are commendable. Other people seem to forget that there is the internet and then there is real life, and need to clear the sand out of their vaginas and adjust their sensitivity/reactions accordingly.

 7.  I don�t know about you, but I take one look around and think to myself, this world needs more lawyers.  As a fellow bar-taker this past July, don�t you agree?

Like most people that go to law school, I had a useless bachelor�s degree (psychology) and wanted to be a student for three more years. Thankfully, I found a law firm that thinks the world needs me as a lawyer, so what I think doesn�t really matter.  Though, come November if I find out I failed the bar, I will be clearing my accounts, maxing out the cash advances on my credit cards, and living off the grid in some third world country.


 8.  Ok new guy, CAC legends lightning round.  I drop a name and you have to tell me what you know about them and what you think about them:

The Wolverine- Referred to me as “Craigslist killer, correctional facility version!” which I thought was funny. I’ll take that nickname. Other than that I am told he is a CAC founding father and I should respect my elders 

 D-Mac-  He kind of scares me

The MixTape- On my Sunday League team. Initially disliked him because he looks like that douchebag TV chef Michael Chiarello, but once I talked to him he seemed like a nice guy.

Wow he’s got you fooled already

The Commish- Entrusts a important part of his business to Tibbs, so you got to question the judgment. Also, has a very ‘unique’ playing style during lunch pickup.

 JBerr- Her posts/blogs have a lot of sexual innuendo with the subtlety of a Plies song. Have never met her, so I�ll just assume she�s crazy like most girls.

 Pack a Vestal – The only thing I know about her is that she posted “I love you” on Tibbs’ facebook wall and then “liked” her own post. There’s a few things wrong with that.

 PStone- One of the best players, but not the most valuable!

Don’t hold your breath for the scoreboard either.

Tibbs-  The man that everyone loves to hate. Doesn�t get enough credit when he�s making things happen, gets all the shit when things fall apart. Still waiting on that lunch league!


9.  5 Greatest NBA players of all time

If anyone is still reading at this point, I think they�ll be bored to read the usual list, so I�ll give you some people that put in work, but don�t get enough credit.

1.      Chris Kaman- Quietly one of the most dominant big men in the league, but gets no respect because he�s a tall goofy white guy.

2.      Mitch Richmond- Probably best known for being a great shooter in NBA JAM, but he was a 6-time all-star and joins Iverson, Jordan, Adbul-Jabbar, Shaq, Oscar Robertson as one of six to average at least 21 points for their first ten seasons.

3.      Dominique Wilkins- Sure, everyone remembers him for his dunks, but they left him off the original Dream Team! Not to mention he won the Greek Cup MVP playing for Panathinaikos in �96!

4.      Bryon Russell- Played 13 years in the NBA and is only remembered for being posterized by Jordan on that shot. Hell, most people call him Byron.  His legacy will be solidified if Jordanaccepts his 1-on-1 offer and Russell owns him.

5.      Mikki Moore- Easily the best dreadlocked journeyman named Mikki to ever play the game.

 10.  I need you tell us a great drinking story.  You get bonus points for showing no shame and for throwing people under the bus.

What are you trying to get me in trouble with the Character and Fitness review of the bar exam?!?  I�ll give you a few quick hits.

-One lovely college winter morning I woke up wearing only boxer shorts. The problem? I was sitting slumped up against the wall in the stairwell of a dorm that was not my own and it was 10am. I tried calling the girl�s room where my clothes were, but her phone wasn�t working. You needed a key card to get onto the girl�s floor and I didn�t have one. After 15 minutes, I had to walk across campus barefoot with just boxers on as professors, priests, and normal people were heading off to class.

-In d�j� vu of the above story, I was visiting a friend in Brooklyn and woke up one night at about 3am and I was in her backyard. Tried banging on the door, but no response. For some reason I was wearing only basketball shorts and her hooded sweatshirt which was like 5 sizes too small. I ended up having to climb fences, jumping through her neighbors yards. I finally reached the end of the row and had to unscrew the bolts on a locked gate with my bare hands to reach the street. I went around front, she still didn�t respond to my banging, so I had to call my girlfriend and explain why I was outside her friend�s apartment, barefoot in the middle of the night, wearing her clothes. Good times.  Normal people seem to pass out and sleep when really drunk, I apparently go looking for adventure.

-On a private bus back to school from a Celtics game, I had to piss really bad, but there was no bathroom. Not even an empty Gatorade bottle. What I did have was a condom in my wallet. So I pulled it out and did a little quality control by filling this condom with piss, tying it off, and chucking it out the window.  Fortunately we were moving quick enough that I didn�t have to see if any pedestrians were struck by the piss-filled condom.


That�s all I got.

That is some great material…Future Counselor, thanks for taking the time to step into the Corner and welcome to the CAC family.

(Geoff turns around to leave, but Tical grabs him)  Woah, woah, woah….where do you think you’re going new guy….(All of a sudden Tical dons a black robe, busts out his MixTape/Wolverine Paddle, and a goat slowly waddles out from the closet).  I’m not going to lie Geoff, this could get a little weird (Goat baaaaaaaahs).