TiCals Corner: Harold…but no Kumar

It brings me great pleasure to welcome into the Corner a fellow NU Husky and co-worker.  To date, NU has a great 5 year program that has trained and produced some of the most elite CAC Staff (me, PStone, Harold – I think Matty Bells may have taken the NU Extension School program).  Harold has worked the _B2 West 5v5________ and plays in the _A1 and B2 South__.  Today, I get him over to the Corner to bring it to you raw and uncut…without further adieu…

(Knock on the cellar, excuse me, live-in basement door.  Tical opens or and in walks Harold)

What’s up kid?!!!

Glad to be here bro!!! (The two exchange the sacred Northeaster Alumni handshake …which was stolen from the scene from Dazed in Confused where Matthew McCaughnahey and that other guy slap two of their fingers against the others, then drag them up to the others nose, and smell.)

1.  Harold, although I know all about your rowdy Action-Acton and NU days, please give the loyal readers a little glimpse on your life and how you came to CAC….BRIEFLY please, I got to help ma out the tub in a half hour.

Well I was bored out of my mind at work one day, searching through the casual encounters on craigs list, and thought to myself: “Hey, I think I need more basketball in my life.” So I popped out of the email I was writing to “Quadriplegic – Down for Whatever” and jumped into the activities section. That is where I found one Mr. Jamil Ball looking for players for a B2 squad. I hoped on one of his 93469345693 Runnin Rebels squads and the rest was history.  

On a side note…..Why is there a naked picture of Durbrow on your wall??? That would be slightly creepy if it was anyone other than you.

Oh, that thing…It, uh, came with the basement…(Tical slowly wipes the googly eyes away from his face, but Harold can just tell there is something wrong with the way he is looking at Dirtybrow.  As creepy and awkward as this moment is, Harold decides to go on with the interview, but his heterosexual instincts kick in as he can feel his ass cheeks clench up just a little tighter…you know…just in case…)

2.  Has joining the CAC staff fulfilled all or just some of your life dreams? What is it like on the other employee side of the tracks as opposed to just “a player.”

It’s a tough crowd out there my man. Kids bitching about assists. Big knuckleheads trying to tell you that they have 3 fouls instead of 5. But I do have a new found respect for the guys that do it. It really isn’t easy to keep all the stats while actually paying attention to the flow of the game. Especially for someone like J Zuk who has to keep track of 2 flows during the game……if it so happens to be that time of the month.

So…that 5 on 5 B2 league…was that guy telling the scorekeeper, OF A MENS RECREATIONAL BASKETBALL LEAGUE, to “commit suicide” more on the justified side of things or should he have at least had the courtesy to try and get back at him by forking his wife/girlfriend.  Let’s get serious here, “we talking bout stats…not a game, not a game…stats”

Yea that was slightly overboard on their part. That’s what you get when toss a bunch of ‘Tough Acton Tanaction’ guys in a B2 league. Mayhem! Definitely must have been a pretty intense first couple weeks at the Morse school though. I can picture it now:  

JBB: “Hey man I think you might have missed my last rebound and we are playing with a girls ball” 

J RICE: “Oh Im sorry man, btw, can I get a post game interview?” 

JBB: “Go throw yourself off the Zakim bridge…..dickbag!” 

…Must have gone something similar to that. Not too pleasant if you ask me. I was actually willing to give them the benefit of the doubt until I saw one of their games. Kid got called for a reach(around) in the first half and I was legitimately afraid that it was going to erupt into a brawl similar to the opening scene from “Gangs of New York”.   

3.  Outlook on your 2010 Red Sox…

A lot of people were down on the Sox offense last year towards the end. That’s just baseball though. It’s a game of streaks and hot/cold hitting. They were just really unlucky to hit a huge slump when they did. There is more than enough fire power in this offense to carry a team to the promised land. Mix in the best rotation I have seen in a long long time, on any club, and you got a World Series pretty much gift wrapped for you. They are as good as anyone if you ask me. Lots of young studs to deal at the trade deadline should there be a need to add a bat anyway. Adrian Gonzalez anyone?? 

CUE THE DUCK BOATS BROTHA!

4.  Give me your best “Whoa dude” moment from college…aka a story that will make everyone jealous or make everyone say, “Whoa dude, thats a great story.”

 Oh man, Where do I start. Well I got to say…there is this place in the Hamptons (No, not NH…. Long Island) that we started going to the minute any of us turned 21 called The Boardy Barn. I don’t know if you have heard of this place but it is Epic on Memorial Day weekend when it opens.

      So basically, you get into this outdoor tent….Every beer is 1$ (its gone up since) and all they play is Journey, Bon Jovi…Songs like “Summer of 69” and “Jump on it” (complete with dance). So, you go up to the bartender and say something along the lines of “Hey can I get 30 beers bro?” and he turns to you and says “No but Ill give you 18”. You proceed to pass the beers back to all your buddies. Rule 1: first two beers have two distinct destinations. 1) In your mouth 2) On your closest buddies head. So, after a long day of drinking, we were drenched in beers and hammered; 3 of my 15 buddies had pissed their pants (one of which pissed his pants while making out with a local girl who was also, simultaneously pissed her pants). One guy took a huge dump in the middle of a crowded parking lot, another buddy got arrested for what he described as “being too awesome” only to be let go for “being too annoying/mouthy” with the cops.

      Couldn’t get much better than that, right? WRONG! We decide to go to this biker bar down the street to mix it up. On the way there we passed the most disgusting, sh!t filled swamp that I have ever seen in my entire life. So one of my buddies, not going to name names (Chris Coffey), goes over to my other buddy and slings the words “You wont jump in there” into his ear. Instantaneously he gets the most determined look on his face that I have even seen on a human being before, in my life. We gave him the good ol’ “DO IT” chant for a good 20 seconds. He climbs the fence (which is obviously there for a reason) and dives head first into this moat of sh!t. It was probably the funniest thing I have ever seen before.

      So, Next day, we are on our way back on the Port Jeff to Bridgeport Ferry and we get a call from the same buddy what went a little something like this.  

Friend one: “What’s up man?”

Friend two: “Dude you will never guess what just happened to me”

Friend one: “What?”

Friend two “ You remember that pond I jumped in yesterday? Well, I must have swallowed some of the water because it gave me amoebic dysentery and ive been pretty much pissing out of my a$$hole since about 11 o clock last night”

Friend one: “What exactly causes amoebic dysentery?”

Friend two “Essentially, eating shit” 

So that was my first experience at the Boardy Barn.  

What was your crazy story from college?? You must have some good knock em’ down drag em’ out campus stories.

Oh, Lord, I was a Pimp in college.  My one “whoa dude” moment definitely came my Junior year.  It was your typical Friday night and I was in the library studying for my organic nuclear chemistry honors final, when I see the captain of the basketball cheering team.  (She was of course cutting through campus, going to a party that I was strangely not invited to for some reason, and apparently she had to use the bathroom.)

I felt that this was the perfect opportunity to make my move on her as I had dreamt about being with her for about a year and a half.  So, I walk over to the bathroom door, determined that as soon as she comes out, I was going to tell her how I felt.

Just as I turn…”The Corner”…(oh, I love it when they say the title to something in the story) to tell her that I would do anything just to get a whiff of her hamper, she barrels out of the door and…sneezes, right in my face.

For a moment, there is that classic awkward pause, before she begins to vehemently apologize for the booger splash.  I was not having any of this so called apology.

I told her that for the past year and a half I dreamed of having her bodily fluid on my face.  A sneeze wasn’t exactly what I had in mind, but a Bronze medal is still a medal, so I took it.

I never saw her after that…she kinda went running for campus security and I had to spend a night or two off campus if you catch my drift, but still…She had the softest nosegold I have ever felt.   If that aint love, I don’t know what is.

Wow…I really don’t know what to say about that.  (Mortified and somewhat uncomfortable, Harold exclaims) Whoa dude…(This kid has some issues! )

5.  Who provides the better message board fodder, Kap or JZuk?

Tough one, Kaplan is a good one but he generally is at his best fighting off 15 attackers at once……5 of them being Spinney. Zuk just spits gold out at every pass. It’s the dedication he has to the art that makes him so great. Zuk lies awake in bed at night thinking of ways to make fun of Gerrity and Kaplan…..that, my friend, is dedication. Def Rookie of the year for scorers and a solid addition to the CAC staff.

6.  As a player and an employee, what is the single most important improvement that CAC needs to institute to remain the best Basketball League in this hemisphere?

Dude, the greatest and worst thing about the league is the web site. It is phenomenal for players to check stats, chat on the boards, read write ups. BUT, navigating that bad boy from the staff portal is a bitch and a half. All this active week/edit week bullsh!t is making my penis soft. Took me like 6 hours to realize that you cant log in by simply hitting enter – instead you have to literally click submit (thanks again Kap) What kind of sh!t is that??  

Another thing that needs to be changed………PR system!!!!!! It doesn’t account for defensive efficiency at all! So all this stat padding is going on for these guys that I like to call the “Lane Jumpers”. I guess its like I always say though. “You’re going to miss out on 100% of the steals that you could have had when you don’t completely jump in the lane and blatantly disregard all of your defensive responsibilities.”

7.  If we were to set up Harold Smith with a lucky lady from the women’s league, what does she need to win you over?

 Brunette, Great sense of humor, great smile, and a monster rack.

8.  Lighting “Did they Do it” Round you ready?

a.  Did Lee Harvey Oswald act along?

 100% yes.

b.  Did OJ do it?

NO WAY. its all right there man……“if the glove don’t fit, you must acquit” – How in the F*ck can you argue with that?…..Its as sound a logic as it gets.

c.  Did Kobe do it?

If by “do it” you mean banged the hell out of some chick that was pumped to be there…..Then, yea, he did it.

d.  Did I really get caught peeing in the new and improved “low flow” showers?

I think you might have just got caught. Fuck the low flow showers anyway though…..they deserve to get pissed on/around.

e.  Did Ben Roethlis….hahahahahaha I can’t ask that with a straight face.  Naughty Naughty two times Benny!?!  You aint Tom Brady, deal with it!

Tom Brady has a 31 inch C*ck ……he eats thunder and Craps lightning.

9.  Get Political, should we adopt O’Bama care?  (yes, he is part Irish too!)

Hell no! Obama is starting to kill me with all this socialist stuff. I mean, you got to love a president that you can give daps too but I think he didn’t really realize how hard being the president actually is.

10.  Since we are running out of gyms in the Cambridge area and nights of the week, should CAC institute the halftime league?  This would be the league you sign up to play (only $125.00 per person, plus free shower towel – shower towel only included for gold members) during the league that you signed up for?  It’s just one more league we are trying to get rolling.  So far, we have the Wolverine committed to ref, while Ernest Hemmingway has tentatively committed as long as this is an “open” league, whatever that means?  Would you play in that league?

I don’t really understand what that means so im going to assume its something Tibbs and Josh came up with to squeeze more fees out of people. Next thing you know, Tibbsy is going to be calling for a non-league league. You sign up, pay, and then never play a game…..only upside is everyone gets a banner for it.   

Harold, its been a pleasure.  Its great to have you on board and out almost every Thursday nights at Thomas Doyles!  (The two exchange one final  NU handshake, with Tical gagging at the end, insinuating Harold may have been messing around with a tuna cat.  Ohhhhhh, those Huskys!!!  They are encourageable).

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