Tical’s Corner: John Edwards

John has been apart of the CRFC family for some time now, except this season, he ìvolunteeredî to join the illustrious ranks of A1 captainship.  With GP and JaySar on his squad, his Johnny Cakes look like they could be a top contender for the brick.  So with out further adieu, I give you John Edwards.

Um, excuse me sir? Oh, John, I didnít recognize you, thanks for stepping into the Corner.

(John steps into my parentís basement with an electric blue Velour suit from head to toe.  With a beautiful, scantily clad woman on his arm, he puts down his Lilí John diamond studded cup, filled with Alize on my desk)

Well thanks for having me Coach and let me just say itís an honor.

You look different

Yeah, just the off the court threads.  No big deal.  (He searches my desk vigorously before observing)  I heard there would be donuts, yet I see none.  Johnny no speak until he has pastry. 

Nothing personal John but when you see your boy has had too much to drink, you cut him off if you catch my drift.  Youíre no good to the Commish ($) if you have a heart attack.

Nonsense!  (He whips out a money clip and scoops out a C-note.  He hands it to the beauty with her thong up around her hips and tells her)  Boo, do daddy a favor and run down to Dunkiní Donuts and pick us up a dozen Boston CrËme.  This could be a while.  (She gets up and takes the money.  Before she leaves John whips out another C-Note and tells her) Help yourself to a glazed if you want to babe, but just remember, if that scale even touches 3 figures youíre no good to me.  (She kisses him on his cheek and turns towards my garage door after he gives her a pat on the behind.)

Wow, nice girl.

If you like her, you should meet her twin.  I haveÖ

Ok, John we better hurry this up.  My parents will be home in an hour and Iím not supposed to have girls over so we have to finish this up before they get home.

No problem coach, Iím all about business.

1.  Ok John, like always, please give the CRFC audience some insight into your past and donít play like McGuire on this one.  (Where you grew up, some basketball/life highlights).

I was born and raised in Brooklyn, New York, the 5th of 6 children to very VERY fertile parents.   I attended Xavier High School in Manhattan, New York and ended up at BostonCollege thanks to the Jesuits.  After college I moved to Bermuda to do some shady offshore finance for a few years before moving back to Charlestown when I heard about CRFCÖI mean the chance to play with Diesel and Traveling Jim sounded much better than living on the beach and playing volleyball with beautiful women.  Now I work for a financial advisory firm out in Lincoln, run a small childrenís book company (shameless plug for business) www.bumpybooks.com and own a condo in the DOT!!!

Like my first girlfriend, Sherry Donovan, told me, John, Iím a tool.  Feel free to use me.

 

As for my basketball career, aside from pickup at local parks, it ended with an AAU team around the ripe age of 14.  I had the chance to play in High School, but I felt I had peaked and should really move onto my true lovesÖfood, alcohol and younger women; which I  went on to excel at until around 16.  Since then it has just been a smattering of menís leagues here and there.  I also help out with my older brothersí AAU team in Brooklyn from time to time (shameless plug for donations) www.brooklynpatriots.com

 

2.  If you could compare your game to an NBA player, past or present, who would it be or why?

 

Big Country Bryant ReevesÖ.we really have a lot in common.  We are both fat, slower than we look and live/die on the basketball court with a baby hook from the box.  He does have red hair and millions, but I have a huge hammer so I guess we are even.

 

Judging by the smile on your recently departed better half I can tell that she probably isnít with you for your body by Budweiser exterior look.

 

3. Over the years, you have experienced all the refs at the gym.  Using the following metaphors, please describe my reffing:

A.  Someone pouring salt over your wound ñ continuous awful and painful calls.

B.  David Blaine pulling his Now ya see me, no ya donít act ñ One minute it seems Iím everywhere, the next no where to be found.

C.  Dead beat Dad ñ Donít know if the game even had a ref

D.  Other ñ please feel free to use your own.

 

Definitely B.  Not to get down on you my man, but sometimes you are all over the court and then other times I see you making eyes with the ladies in the balcony while someone is being mugged under the hoop.

But donít despair, I have you tied at #3 all-time at CFRC:

1) Dave ñ Actually runs baseline to baseline. 

2) Hossein Khosrow Ali VaziriÖor Happy Iron Sheik as I like to call him.  He has refíed there forever, but I do not think I ever heard his name.  Very nice guy and could have had a stellar wrestling career if he grew out his stash.

3) Coach Sean & Filosa ñ You call too many fools and I donít think Matt owns a whistle.

4) Other Ref ñ no idea what his name is, but I think he believes he is reffing football.  I saw him measuring the baseline with a 10 yd chain once.

 

The one thing you all have in common is that none of you call a ìcarryî, which I understand but it makes slower people like me look even slower. But in all honesty, it is very difficult to ref without being able to stand under the hoop.  I think they do a very good job given the circumstancesÖ.except when I am driving to the hoop.

 

We are pro-offense here and the no carry call ensures an average of 10-15 extra points and 2-3 more highlight reel drives.  That mentality comes from David Stern himself.  No one wants to pay a ticket to come see a defensive match up.

 

4.  Looking back on the years spent with the CRFC family, what have been the most entertaining experiences on or off the court?

Lets seeÖI have a few for you:

–         My second game at CRFC, when Diesel was challenging me to a fight for telling him to lay off one of our other players.  He completely lost his shit and looked like he was going to rip my head off.  I remember thinking ìthis place must be filled with d-bags if this guy works hereî.  Then I met Josh and confirmed my suspicion. 

–         Drinking at the Sports Grille when CRFC started their ìdealî with them.  Nothing like working out, getting some cheese fries and meeting JProís latest lady.

–         When I slipped and fell in the steam room almost killing myself (while thankfully no one was around).  That was really more memorable than entertaining.

 

5.  You have been called the ìYoung Republicanî, but are you officially associated with the political party or an avid supporter of 2006ís best US president?

 

I am in fact a republican and I did vote for our current president.  In retrospect, not the smartest decision I have ever made, although I do not know how much better John Kerry would have been given what has happened. 

 

Yeah, the last election was like choosing between choosing whether you want to catch AIDS or Cancer.  Neither is too appealing and both are detrimental to our country.

 

Unfortunately for the US, the best US president in 2006 was killed back in January when David Palmer took a bullet in the throat (24).  I think he really could have made a difference, but instead he died and became a CIA agent on channel 4Övery sad.

 

ìThatís Allstateís stand.î  Itís tough from going to playing the president of the United States, to selling insurance on commercials, but that could just be a testament to his versatility as an actor.

 

6.  Are you going to watch the View now that Americaís girl, Rosie OíDonnell is a co-host?

 

Damn straight!!  Anything that involves Liz Hasselback works for me.  She was gorgeous when we were in college and she is even better looking how.  It is true that we never had anything going.

 

Thatís a shame.  As I learned in my college days, sometimes thereís just not enough alcohol to get her beer goggles that foggy.

 

As for Rosie, if anyone has not seen her HBO special on the Gay Family Cruise you really should not. 

 

Donít need to watch it on HBO, I was on the cruise, but only because it was cheaper than going during non-gay times.  You should have seen the tips I got on how to tweeze the oleí unibrow that I sport, but I am just too lazy to follow through.

 

RightÖAnyways, her special ranks as second most awkward hour of television ever, behind by childhood videos.

 

7.  Are you a John Edward fan, you know, the douche bag that capitalizes on peopleís naivety and emotional distress to make a profit on his show, Crossing Over?

 

I have only watched his show a few times, but as a capitalist I applaud him preying on the naivety of other people.  I really do not understand how people believe he is actually ìchannelingî to the other side and visiting with their loved ones, but I also think he owns a small Caribbean island so the joke is on me. 

 

8.  Are you lost now that the mirrors are gone in the CRFC cage?  I have noticed that GP can no longer debate who is prettier, him or his jump shot (his 38pts last Monday) and has excelled of late.

 

Not having the mirrors definitely makes the court seem much smaller, although it is technically larger now that the nets are gone.  As a person of round stature, it was very helpful as a defensive tool against the likes of smaller/faster individuals like yourself.  Is there any truth to the rumor that those mirrors were once found on the ceiling of the ìmassage roomî (aka. The Lair of the Diesel)?

 

Woah, címon now.  Letís not throw that one out there for the public.  CRFC is a family environment that encourages morals and ethicsÖFor the record, they were just wrestling anywaysÖ Let us just tip-toe away from this subject.  Any predictions about Johhny Cakes?

 

Absolutely, let me just take this moment to predict that Johnny Cake will win the A1 league.  We are better at basketball, better at trash talking and better looking than any other team in the leagueÖespecially any team that has Turin.

 

I love the Turin and Edwards rivalry.  Itís like Tony Battie and Ron Harper jawing back at each other.  Any chance of one Saturday morning you and Turin go old school and play a full court game of 1 on 1, first one to 2 wins.  I can talk to the Commish and make sure we have the whole weekend to finish it.

 

Turin is too scared to go mano E mano with me.  Besides, a full court game between us could take all week and I know the Commish wouldnít cancel the league games.  But if we did play, I would blank him and his ugly finger roll.

 

9.  Greatest TV show of all time and why?

 

It is very close, but the greatest TV show of all time is All in the Family.  Archie Bunker was the first completely politically incorrect television character I have ever seen and he was hilarious in his stupidity.  Throw in Rob Riner and Mr. JÖ.forgetaboutit.    The second best show of all time is 24ÖJack Bauer is the perfect marriage between MacGyver andHannibal Smith from the A team.

 

Definitely a good choice.  He plays a much more loveable bigot than John Rocker.  Always loved seeing Archie and the Meathead going toe to toe.

 

10.  John, I love to drop these future questions on people for my final question.  Ok, here it is:  Take me through a typical day, 10 years from now how you see John Edwards living, from when you wake up, till when you go to bed

 

10 years from now I suspect my day will look something like this:

– 8am: Wake up somewhere between boston & new york

– 8:01am: Run downstairs for a HUGE breakfeast

– 9am: go to work at my financial advisory business

– 11am: go for a swim in my money bin

– 12pm: eat a HUGE lunch

– 4pm: set a date with my very young/nubile female employee

– 8pm: disgust female with my HUGE dinner and then drink myself into a coma.

Pretty lofty goals, but I am working hard to get there. 

 

Not at all John, and from the looks of things, you are well on your way.  (Right on cue Johnís escort shows up with donuts in hand but thereís a problem.  A high shrilly female voice rings out from upstairs, ìSean!!!  Do you have a girl down there?  I can smell her perfume.  You know youíre not suppose to girls over.î)

 

You two better sneak out the garage, my mom sounds pissed and you donít want to see what happens next.  Thanks again for stepping into the Corner, John.

(Chomping on his donut, his girl gives him another smooch before he replies)

Anytime man.  (With a mouthful of Boston CrËme, he tells me) See you at the gym.  (Inside, I thought what an ironic thing to say as the two, Velour and all, crept out my garage door like it was high school all over again and Iím trying to sneak my friends out.  Then the voice cuts through my brain like shards of glass.)

ìSean, do you need to another timeout young man?!?î

Ah, man I need to get out of my house.  Anyone need a roommate?  I can pay you in write up ink.

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