TiCal’s Corner: Matt Kaplan, Tom Heffernan (Hizzle) and Dan ‘Lil Tical’ Linehan

Todayís guests are the young cats who made their bones while they were still teens back in 2004 after they captured a B championship on AYTD (see banner hanging at CAC).  Last season, these kids battled their balls off, squaring off in the B1 unification match against Bones Sayz: Cummupins. These days, they are college grads and taking CAC by storm in the B1/B2 (B1 East ñ Four Gentiles and a Jew, B2 North ñ Cold Turkey), so an interview with the next generation of CAC had to be done.  Today, I give you KAP, Hizzle and Lilí Tical.

 

(Playing the role of Dan Linehan AKA lilí Tical will be none other than the character actor who starred in such films as the critically acclaimed Broadway (east Somerville community theatre) musical ìFrom Tical to JBerrî, featuring the chart topping hits ìIíll have a furburger with that happy mealî, ìIíll take the carbs but you can keep the crabsî,  and ìCan I get in you boo?î, as well as his Oscar winning performance in ìCAC-Men Origins ñ The Young Wolverineî….Tical himself.  Dan was a tad shy or lazy.  However, in the Corner, the show must go on, so I will be playing the role of Dan Linehan)

 

Dan ñ OMG I cant believe Iím really in the Corner.  This is the highlight of my life.  My nipples seriously havenít been this hard 24/7 since Thundercats was on TV Saturday mornings.

 

Tical – Ok calm down Dan.  Always been a fan of yours as well, but letís just try to keep the bromance to a minimum.

 

KAP ñ Yes, please, before you and Linehan start making out.

 

Dan ñ Hater

 

1.  Please give us some background info on your selves…

 

KAP – Well, I am 23 years old. I lived in Marblehead until I was in 6th grade, then moved to Dover where I live today. I am obsessed with sports, primarily basketball, baseball, and football. I love poker and want to be professional someday. I have a big mouth and seem like a dick but I am actually a really good person and my antics on the court are in no way a reflection of who I really am or what I am really like. I am the best Beirut player in the world.

 

Hizzle ñ No Comment

 

Dan ñ I too, am 23.  I am obsessed with anything Tical or CAC related.  I have grown up and strived to be a supbar lover, mediocre basketball player, and never plan on leaving my parents basement.

 

2.  Where is Spike Santo and why was he voted off the island?

(For those new to CAC, back in the day, Spike Santo was the son of Bill Santo.  Bill Santo entered a team with his son Spike and Spikeís friends, the 3 goons being interviewed right now.  They went on to win a championship (AYTD ñ which we at CAC spelt wrong.  It was suppose to be ATYD ìAll the Young Dudesî, but we never changed it.  They dealt with it.)

 

Hizzle – He is still in school, so he couldnít play with us because heís not around for any of the games.

 

KAP – Who cares. He is a ball hog and I hated playing with him. Sure he could score but he never passed and thatís not the way we play. We are all about team ball. He didnít fit in our system.

 

3.  KAP when will you come out of your shell and Linehan, when will you ever shut up?

 

KAP – Good question. What can I say. Iím a quiet kid; I let my game do the talking. Linehan on the other hand is a loud mouth. He likes to talk to keep his guys on their toes and to rile the other team up. Seems to work a lot of the time. I give him credit.

 

Dan ñ Oh, I get it.  You are being sarcastic because KAP never shuts up and I never speak.  I never even want to do interviews Iím so quiet.  You are so funny and probably underpaid and underappreciated.  Your whit is unparallel only to your good looks.   

 

Hizzle, you seem to be the glue that keeps these jokers together, how do you do it and make it look so easy?

 

Hizzle – Kaplan is probably the most critical person I know on the basketball court, so I try to counter that with encouragement and moral boosting of any kind. I guess that mentality and my positive nature can be compared to glue, otherwise I have no idea how I would be the glue. 

 

4.  The Wolverine, D-Mac, and PStone ñ You guys need one to ref, one to play with, and one to play against.  Go ahead….

 

I would most like to play with PStone. I think his game would complement our team chemistry very well. I guess I would like to play against the Wolverine. Itís not very often that you can claim that you beat a Wolverine in something, and the match up would most likely be a pre-determined victory anyway.  D-Mac can ref that game.

 

KAP – Ref is easy. D-Mac. Heís a solid ref and gives us plenty of calls. Maybe he will sack up and join my fantasy football league. Maybe YOU will sack up and join. PStone would probably own me so Iíd have to play against Wolverine. Never seen him play, but heís old so maybe heís slow. Jk.

 

Dan ñ I would want to play with the Wolverine because no one appreciates him anymore.  What he did for this gym, putting it on the map like he did just makes me feel like I owe him so much. Therefore, Iíd love to play with him and win a championship with him.  Guys, heís not dead yet.  PStone and DMac are both two people that I would never want to line up against, yet would love if they reffed.  Therefore, they both would be refs of me and the Wolverineís championship game, you know, the championship I win to somehow show the Wolverine how much he is appreciated.

 

5.  Will ìBrunoî be better than ìBoratî?

 

Hizzle – Borat crossed the line on so many levels and also addressed a lot of very controversial cultural issues. Bruno sticks primarily to gay jokes, which will be pretty funny, but itís going to lack comical diversity. I also feel as though Borat is a lot easier to quote.

 

KAP – I never saw Borat. Too offensive to my kind. I hear at the end of Bruno there is an ìunpleasantî scene so I am skeptical. Probably a rental.

 

Tical – Yeah, I heard Bruno is very penis graphic, so it probably wonít be as funny as Borat (even though Borat had its share of naked dudes).  Therefore, I probably wouldnít spend $10 to see penis.  Iíd just go back to washing towels at CAC on the weekends like I use to do when I was 16.

 

In other related questions, Dan/Hizzle, have you guys ever witnessed Kaplan shapeshift?  If so, into what?

 

Hizzle – A Woman

 

Dan ñ OíCal, jokes about Jews are not funny.  You shouldnít make jokes about them.

 

Tical- But Dan, I have A Jewish friend, so it should be ok.

 

Dan ñ Wow, you have A Jewish friend.  How progressive you are.  How has no woman snatched you off the market yet?

 

Tical ñ I have no idea.  If only women liked me as much as I love me, then I would be off the market.  Until they stop having small brains, that day may never come.

 

6.  Rasheed in a Celtics jersey…Banner 18 or Season on a Brink?

 

Banner 18 and 19.

 

Banner 18 no question. I love the addition. Sheed can stretch the floor, rebound, and play D. That is exactly what the Cís need off the bench. Anything less than a ship this year is a letdown. Artest to the Lakers does not scare me. Oh and trade Rondo. His value couldnít be any higher.

 

7.  Dan, some time ago, the Wolverine dubbed you Lilí Tical, despite the fact that you looked older, were better than me at hoops and probably pulled more chicks…What was your reaction to the nick-name?

 

Hizzle – He probably doesnít pull more chicks.

 

Dan  –  Again, it just goes to show how creative the Wolverine is and how he brings a lot to the CAC table.  In all honestly, when I heard I was lil Tical, I had to call my doctor because the erection lasted longer than 4 hours.   

 

8.  You guys played during CACís golden era winning a chip with AYTD, in your opinion, how has CAC grown or regressed?

 

Haha itís ATYD you guys still canít get it right. Anyways CAC has grown quite a bit in my opinion. The level of play and competition from top to bottom has increased substantially and the leagues have become a lot younger. I remember seeing 50 and 60 year olds in the league back in 2005, something I rarely, if ever, see anymore. Also Tibbs has done as great job by keeping more detailed and accurate stats, while adding 3-pt stats as well (something I obviously love). Even though we havenít won since our glory days back when we were young (hehe), I see a title coming in the near future.

 

It has grown in leaps and bounds. It was essentially an old manís league when we entered it. I think we are currently in the middle of second transformation from washed up college and high school players to pretty decent high school players who are nasty on their intramural squads in college. That is what our team is at least. We have never conformed to league trends; we have consistently proven to revolutionize the culture of CAC. Once we leave you guys are screwed; I think we are deserving of some credit here!

 

Who are the players in the leagues that stand out to you guys now and how do they compare (personality or skill wise) to the players in the league when you guys won it all back in the day

 

Tom Bain was the original bad ass; the modern day duo of John Kelly and Big Ant. I will never forget the game he threw Spike into the wall on a break away. My Uncle was as heated as the heater I just dropped a minute ago. The majority of players had a lot more personality and a lot less skill.

 

Now kids show no emotion when they drain a trey, no shit talking goes on (with the exception of the capped one), but everyone is a much better player. Players have also gotten much bigger. I was 6í4î and 160 when I got into the league, now Iím pushing 230; case and point.

 

The players are petty much the same except for the skill and talent. The leagues now are much more skilled and talented and I think that makes for better competition. As for the guysí personality, overall the guys are nice good guys who are fun to play with. Some are d-bags though and this is to be expected.

 

9.  More tragic, Michael Jacksonís death or the fact Tibbs lost in a one on one to Five Hard Fouls AKA Mike Gerrity

 

KAP – Gotta be the fact. I saw the youtube video and that was just embarrassing. Tibbs, whereís the D?!?! Put a hand up for the love of god! I think Tibbs needs a lesson in D from the professor (yours truly). I have to give Gerrity props though. He was wet from deep, and that spelled disaster for Tibbs. Until next time.

 

Hizzle – That is really pathetic, but the fact you are trying to compare the two is a travesty. Tibbs was probably just complacent and didnít expect Gerrity to come out with a vengeance. The explanation is apparent, hence the otherwise tragic shock of defeat is subdued.

 

Explaining MJís death is like Homer trying to explain the Odyssey to a group ten year old boys he just fooled around with; itís not happening. MJ can probably relateÖin fact, I heard he died by choking on a ten year old wiener.

 

Tical – I donít care what anyone says, if Tibbs wins the brick and beats Write It Off in the A1 finals Monday, he will be vindicated.  Gerrity has established himself as a CAC icon in such a short time, you cant fault Tibbsy for losing to such a character.  However, the Brick cures all.

 

Billy Mays, MJ, Farrah….the list goes of celebrities that have somehow outlived Keith Richards and Ozzie Osborne.  Which Celeb do you guys have kicking the bucket next in your death pool?

 

Hizzle – Patrick Swayze is pretty much already a walking corpse. I wish I had something clever to say about him, but I canít possibly insult the man who gave us Tall Tale and Point Break. 

 

KAP – Tough question. If John McCain counts as a celeb I got him going next. The guy just doesnít look right and he can barely speak. Watching the debates with Obama was just painful. He should be in a wheel chair. I donít know how he stands up and walks around he looks like he could keel over at anytime. Maybe I am being harsh but he needs a makeover, badly.

 

Tical – I got Alf.  The dude partied HARD during his brief stint as an 80ís icon.  All the blow he did has to catch up to him sometime and in the near future, Iím sure that loveable alien will be R.I.P and he will be just like MJ…taken too early and touched so many young kids.

 

10.  I need embarrassing stories about each of you STAT, that means now.  Please, each of you proceed to throw one another under the bus NOW:

 

KAP ñ I will be taking the high road.  No stories from me as I keep sacred my teammates secrets

 

Hizzle ñ glad to see someone is taking the high road…Because it aint going to be me.  Letís see hereÖwho should I start with?

 

Kaplan dressed up as Diana Ross in the tenth grade for a ìmath project,î but I think he was really just looking for an excuse to dress up like Diana Ross.

 

Iím sure you were expecting great things from this section, but I honestly feel as though the most embarrassing moments the three of us have experienced have come at my expense. However, Linehan did piss on my couch a few months ago, and I started calling him ìCP3.î The logic is that he is a basketball stud, hence the Chris Paul reference, but the acronym ìCPî instead stands for ìCouch-Pisser.î He was obviously slightly intoxicated when that happened. Iím sure Linehan and Kaplan have both done some really embarrassing things when they were drunk, the problem is that I was drunker so I donít remember.

 

Thanks for the interview, Hizzle out.

 

Great job guys and best of luck in your quest for more banners.  Dan, you can put your pants back on and the cap back on the KY, we are through here.