Tical’s Corner: Matty Bells

For those of you who have been living under a rock for the last couple seasons, the CAC staff now makes up about 1/3rd of the Cambridge population, so its best you get to know them all. Today�s guest will be doing his 2nd tour of duty with the CAC staff and I can already tell this man has CAC potential. Matty Bells runs with Super JaMario, the newly-constructed Fuego Ocho, and will be working B2 North on Monday nights, but right now, he�s putting in some serious work in the Corner. Let�s get at this!


Matty, it�s a pleasure to have you to step into the Corner…


My toes are tingling and my tongue is itchy, is that normal?


Not unless I�ve been inside you.  Typically, I try to get with all of my interviewees but that�s usually only after the interview.  It must be something you brought in with you from the Cabaret.


1. As always, please give us some background info an where you grew up and how you came to CAC?


I’m from Saugus, which I realize that makes me a hated man around here. (Understandably.)  I’m 27, engaged to be married (TO A WOMAN) in July and spent five glorious years at UMass-Amherst before graduating (sadly) in the Fall of 2008.


I Joined the CAC with Fuego Fuego in the Winter of 2008. Our Captain, Mario Marotta, assembled eight (yes, we ran with eight guys) of the loudest, brashest, most obnoxious players he could find. We brought the DIAMOND to CAC…we also brought EXCLAMATION MARKS AND BOLDED CAPS!!!


And headbands if I remember correctly.  Everyone on your team was rocking a headband.  I remembered thinking maybe those guys wouldn�t be yelling so much if their headbands weren�t on so tight.  But, figuring that you were from Saugus, that�s probably where you guys hid the razorblades.


Saugus boys don�t need headbands to keep razorblades because we ball with them under our tongue.  You never know when some fool will rip on Route 1, Orange Dinosaurs, or our trashy women….As far as CAC goes, we’ve really branched off since then, I broke off and created my own team (Super JaMario!) two seasons ago, my brother Chas is running his own team this year (Game Changers, B2 North), John Thompson now captains the Roc Boys in the B1 East…We’re spreading like herpes…something near and dear to your…..heart.


2. What sort of intangibles do you bring to the CAC staff?


I really am an Eager-Beaver, willing to do practically anything (non-sexual…in most cases) for the CAC. In case you haven’t noticed, I go hard on the message boards.

Also, I’m adorable and the perfect “Face” of the CAC. Seriously, curly brown hair, doey brown eyes, that beauty mark on my left cheek?! If the Commish is the genius I think he is, he’ll keep the red-headed pale boy in the office and let ME bring in the talent. By the time I’m finished, we’ll be running Women’s 5v5 Leagues out the ying-yang.


3. Tibbs and Caitlin have made it official and are getting married despite me trying to ruin their relationship with every waking as I always try to leave each of them dirty voice mails/texts from any random number I can find at a party. What will you be buying them as an engagement gift? (I have already wrapped up a divorce lawyer’s business card in case)

<Insert obligatory “Tanning Booth” comment here>

4. How is it that Delonte West gets arrested driving down the freeway like Mel Gibson in the Road Warrior with 2 shottys and a couple glocks and gets a slap on the wrist from the media, yet Agent 0 has an unloaded gun and now everyone is calling for his immediate suspension?


Because Gilbert did it for the LULZZZ!


Gilbert should be celebrated, not hated.

Arenas’ wikipedia page reads like a Chuck Norris Autobiography….


– In 2005, Arenas signed with the Washington Wizards, reportedly after flipping a coin to decide among several teams, including the Wizards, Warriors, and Los Angeles Clippers


– Gilbert Arenas once had his XBox Live account suspended due to his use of “Level-boosting” tactics. (Using one of his three gamer tags (Agent Arenas is one), he’ll start a “social doubles” game with a friend, each using a phony teammate. Once the game starts, the two phony players are eliminated, and the real players take turns beating each other up to drive up their experience points.)


– Gilbert Arenas once defeated DeShawn Stevenson in a three-point contest….while shooting with one hand. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bn6O42a5vl8


– Gilbert Arenas built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Gilbert met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them.  JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

P.S. One of those stories is FALSE!


5. Speaking of the man, Chuck Norris vs. Ray Allen in a 3pt contest, who you got?


Kevin Pittsnogle would school both those bitches,



6. Be honest here…did you sleep with Tiger Woods too?


Technically, no. But through the wonders of Six-Degrees of Seperation, Y-E-S.

My cousin’s, friend’s, boyfriend’s, brother’s, girfriend’s sister is 75% sure she slept with Tiger Woods. Naturally, I’m selling my story to all the major media outlets; Maxim, Lifetime, Sports Illustrated, Highlights and of course, the Corner.


Is it too early to call dibbs?  This has potential.  We could even cast some of the CAC greats in break out parts.  I can see PStone as Tiger Woods, Cailin and JBerr as random cocktail waitresses and maybe even our very own Matty Bells as Tiger Woods� long time trusted caddy…:

PSTONE aka Tiger: (to Matty the Caddy) What do you think?  She�s eyeing me

MATTY the CADDY:  I don�t know, Tiger.  Even for a Hooter�s waitress, that broad looks like her greens are pretty chewed up.


Tiger:  Goddamit!!!  Just give me a straight answer!!!  I�m Tiger Woods bitch!! (slaps   Matty across the face and storms off)  


Oh, yeah…this has potential.


7. Okay, CAC lightning Round. I name the CAC Icon and you give me what you know about them (as wittily as possible please!)…


The Wolverine…


The greatest rebounder in the history of history. Arch-nemisis of the man known as Mytro (I guess you had to be there…) I’ve never spoken to the Wolverine, but he actually boxed me out while trying to use the vending machine at the CAC. Fantastic head of hair.




Pstone (The Ref) : Fantastic human being, tremendous at his job. Its tough to find another human being who performs their job at an higher level than Preston Raymond.

Pstone (The player) : Borderline psycho. Mean, rough, not a pleasant person to be around. Awful human being.



More intimidating than Joey Crawford, Tim Hardaway-esque crossover…I’m honestly just afraid to say anything critical of the man.


The Sergen


Is his jumpshot aesthetically pleasing? No…no it’s not. But have you seen the man’s pumpfake!? It’s deadly!

Best Pumpfakes of All-Time:

1: Paul Pierce

2: Pat Lawson

3: Serge

98,465,321: Gerrity




I wouldn’t feel comfortable talking about your girlfriend in this type of forum.




My favorite RoY. Has this man ever smiled, like, Ever? He’s the red-headed assassin. And I’m legit scared of him on the court. Why won’t he smile?!


The Mad Diddler…


Despite the allegations, I think Kaplan is a solid dude.


8. You play in the Romper Room, excuse me, B1 East on Wednesday Nights, tell me about the crew you roll with…


We roll deep, and LARGE! The B1East is easily the loudest/most competitive league in the CAC. But as for my team for this season, we’ve mixed it up a little. We sorta combined the rosters of Fuego (The Bad Boys of the CAC) with JaMario (Sunshine and Lollipops)…I personally don’t expect it to go well. Then again, we have Jesus on our side.



Other than that, we’re rolling with the most-dominant tag team since the Natural Disasters….Chris Snow (6′ 5″) and TY (6′ 4″), also known as “Ebony and Ivory”.

I plan on fulfilling a life-long dream of throwing an Alley-oop…are those even allowed at the CAC?


9. As a veteran staff member, I am always here to help the newbies with any of their questions or concerns. In addition, I am an avid “man/boy of the people,” so here is your chance to ask me any question at all…Open Mic…

I’ve got one, you’ll instantly become a CAC-Legend (even more so) if you can properly answer this.

How much does Tibbs get paid?

Wait, Tibbs gets paid?  Why am I always the last to know these things?

10. To close it out, bring us through the ideal “Matty Bells” day…

The ideal MattyBells day would include a lot of basketball….and video game playing….and sexting with Tibbs.

I’m a pretty laid back guy.  It doesn’t take much for me to be happy. I’d love to go to a basketball camp hosted by Sean O’Cal. Could you teach me the art of the left-handed layup?

I would love to, but due to the court order, I am prohibited from working any camps, schools or security at any JONAS Bros., concerts for the next 10 years.

Could you at least teach me how you managed to maintain the face of a 12 year old while having the hands of a giant?!

The Baby Face is patented.  It�s like Diana Ross trying to teach someone how to sing.  As far as the giant hands…I knew I had to be big somewhere on my body besides my eyebrow.  Thanks for noticing.

Matty, its great to have you apart of the CAC Family.  I look forward to a season of you and the rest of the Romper Room on Wednesday nites!