TiCal’s Corner: Sam Quinn

This weekís guest is a man who is no stranger to rejection…No, I am not doing this weekís segment with my bathroom mirror, but with A1ís BEST shot blocker, Sam Quinn.  For 3 seasons now, Samís persistent shot rejection has led to an all time offensive depression among CACís finest offensive players.  Today, I get him in the Corner to talk politics, reunions, and the best sports city in America…

Sam, thanks for taking the time out of your busy schedule to sit down with me

No prob, but OíCal, when I said I would do this ìpro bonoî I think you misunderstood me. You can put the Vaseline away and your jorts back on.

My bad Sam, I thought ìPro Bonoî was your porn name or code.  Címon man donít give me that look, Iím going to be a lawyer.  I have no idea what pro bono means so cut me some frickin slack.

1.  Please give us some back ground info on yourself (where you grew up, how you came to CAC, bball/life high/low lights)

I grew up in the mean streets (dirt roads, backwoods) of Waltham, VT, where my dadís basketball addiction got me playing ball at a young age. I can actually trace my love for defense back to those days, when we put a court in behind our house and my dad ordered old school tank tops for himself, my brother and me. Team name: Waltham Flyswatters.

One of my favorite bball memories was a high school game when the other teamís leading scorer told his coach he was done for the game in the 3rd quarter after I blocked him for the 6th time. To me, thatís one of the coolest things you can do on the court ñ shoot a guy down so completely that he doesnít even want to play anymore.

Wow you sound like my ex-girlfriends…

Girlfriends?!?  I did not see that coming.  But anyway, after 4 years of college inactivity and muscle atrophy, Iím just glad to be regaining some skill and getting into shape again at CAC.

2.  Initial reaction to getting drafted by “Sensational Fellacio” this season in the A1?

Given that my team last season – “Letís Duet” — had a team-bonding karaoke outing, Iím a little nervous to see what you might have in store for us.

I got the team name from my latest trip to the Combat Zone.  Arguably the best $3.50 I spent in the last 4 years, not counting the time spent at BK when they had the 99 Cent chicken fries.

Those were probably worse for you body than the gigervitis you caught from the Combat Zone but thatís another story.  I love the team. I love the run and gun offense, intense defense team philosophy, and thus far I like the way itís playing out. The truth is, when you drafted me, you got a big guy who plays with the philosophy of a pass-first point guard, and I like playing with guys like Tosti and Salazar who look to score first (and do a good job of it). Throw in another hustle guy like Paul whoís gonna crash the boards and play good D, and an actual point guard who knows what heís doing (Tical thinks to himself:  Who is this PG you speak of?  I donít remember drafting anyone like that), and I think weíve got a chance to go deep in the postseason.

3.  Do you know that as long as Tibbs has Admin Power to enter stats you will never rank higher than him in blks despite your obvious elevated skill on the defensive end?

I have heard some disgruntled players speak of usurping that power, but I think you have to give the guy a break now and then. Between getting dominated on the court and at home (I hear Caitlin is the unanimous MVP of the bedroom), I donít want to take away the one thing heís got going for him.

It would be like taking the whistle away from the Wolverine.  The CAC brass has already superimposed some sort of ultraviolet picture of him for his blog and banished him to the Morse.  We take his whistle away and he climbs the CAC balcony with an assault rifle Iím calling it right now.

Right. Or if the league decided that missed layups cancel out offensive rebounds in the player rater. Turin would definitely kill someone.

4.  Who will F the country up the least in the next election, the old dude with the hick Milf as his VP or the black dude with Methuselah as his VP?

I like to evaluate people in everyday life based solely on their potential on the basketball court. If I were drafting the presidential candidates for the A1 league, who would I take first? Really, itís no contest. Obama used to play ball, could throw it down, still hits 3ís (as we saw him do in South Carolina earlier in the year), and being a Democrat, has the ability to go left.   McCain…well, McCain canít even raise his arms to grab a rebound or play token D. I do see him having a mean underhanded free throw, but itís just not enough to overcome the disparity. Palin has some balliní experience (high school point guard, five children) and she no doubt picked up some moves during her time spent hanginí out with ìJoe Sixpackî (wasnít he drafted by the Pistons in the late 80ís?), but I bet Biden makes up for it by playing a smart game ñ sort of a late-career Stockton to Obamaís Malone.

Very well thought out Sam how come MSNBC hasnít gotten you as a political analyst yet?  Holding out for more money or for Fox News where your impartiality will blend right in with the rest of their overly impartial pundits?

Iím hoping one of them will offer to pay my league fees or that CAC starts a political forum.

5.  Please correct me where Iím wrong, but I see a typical Sam Quinn Monday like this…Youíre at the office, someone goes to toss something in the garbage and you swat it back in their face.  Youíre at lunch and your boss goes to take a sip of his coffee and you whack it out of his hands.  At the end of the day you are taking the T home and just as someone tries to sneak onto the train before the door closes, you are there to block his entrance and then you anchor the Fellacio D to the tune of about 5 blks…

Thatís about right, but you make it sound more glamorous than it really is. I also get fined for littering, docked pay for burning my boss and ruining his clothes, punched in the face for being a jerk, and robbed of stats for outperforming Tibbs.

6.  Can you believe OJ was found guilty this week?

Guilty of what? Being delicious, healthy and, when paired with cheap vodka, irresistible to teenage girls? OK, that was a deflection. I think I need to beef up on my current events and pop culture.

They always got to squeeze the Juice donít they?  Its not like he murdered anyone…(awkward silence)

7.  Favorite aspect of CAC?

I like almost everything about CAC ñ the stats, write-ups, message boards, competitiveness, LNO, but I think the best thing is having a draft league. I do like having the option of playing with the same guys for several seasons in other leagues and getting more comfortable as a team as time goes by, but the unique challenge of adapting quickly to new teammates each season in the draft league is awesome. Also, the opportunity to meet more people in the league gets you more interested in reading write-ups and message board posts that donít relate directly to you, and makes league outings more fun.

What would you like to see improved or changed?

How about Gatorade showers after big wins?

At 2$ a pop good luck finding a captain that thinks youíre worth that much…Maybe Mike D has the pockets for that but with the likes of me and Tibbs as Captains youíd be lucky not to get charged for the championship picture.

OK, Mike D, itís settled: Iíll play for you if you introduce a Gatorade signing bonus.

8.  The New Kids are back together and I know BFrat is stoked but seriously, Mark canít find Donnie any serious work in Hollywood for his brother!?!  What is he the frickin ba ba black sheep of the fam? Where will the insanity stop?  Spice Girls comeback?  Little Nasty?  Donít people realize these franchises and bands break up in the first place for good reason?

Seriously. We donít want to encourage Little Nasty. Marky Mark needs to step up. I mean, Vincent Chase lets Johnny Drama cash in on his trickle-down fame. He should at the very least re-form the Funky Bunch and use his star power to promote a tour alongside the Old Kids. I have to admit, I would actually be interested in seeing that show if for no other reason than to be able to say I was there when the Wahlberg brothers performed an obscenity-laced show that included blatant drug use and culminated in a racially-motivated act of arson. It sounds like Iím painting them as drugged out, racist criminals, but itís ok, because they were Bostonís own drugged out, racist criminals.

9.  Megan Fox or Scarlett Johansson?

This is an easy one. Megan Fox all the way. Not only do I see her every day (on the cover of the GQ in my bathroom), but I also read that she had a relationship with a Russian stripper. That gives me hope. What does a Russian stripper have that I donít?

Russian crabs? Ball-handling skills? The ability to express a rhetorical question?

(Silence)…Plus, Iíve actually already met Scarlett Johansson. And I chatted up her mom for a while hoping she might put in a good word for me. No dice. But honestly, Scarlett was sort of boring and, while attractive, not as hot as I thought she would be.

I donít see any man marrying Scarlett bc of her ìpersonality.î

10.  We got the Sox in October, we got opening nights for the Bís (yes Boston still has a hockey team) and Celts, and we got a mystery season going down Foxboro, what are you looking forward to the most this month and why?

Looks like JBerrís birthday blowout is rapidly approaching, and this might be the biggest event of the month. True, the Sox are rolling, the Bruins still exist, the Cís are already being called too old as they prepare to open their title defense, and itís hard to look away from the dual possibilities of magic or train wreck in Foxboro, but all signs point to certain train wreck of epic proportions at Jillianís party. Itís like a bonus LNO with a sure fire MWA recipient to keep your eye on all night. Plus, my birthday is a few days before that, so I can suspend disbelief and pretend everybody is there to see me. A gal can dream, canít she?

JBerr, free press for the Bday you best be buying Sam some booze for this…Sam thanks for the time and let this be the first of many Tical to Quinn triumphs at CAC.

My pleasure.