TiCal’s Corner: Tom Kahana

With the first week of A1 in the books, one of the premier stars to emerge is the head and wristband toting Tom Kahana, but what separates him from the rest of the pack, as usual, is his character.  I can not stress it enough, but in this Mickey Mouse league of washed up athletes, my boy Tom has been as funny off the court, on the boards, as he is lethal from the 3-pt line.  Ok fellas, I get Tom Kahana, of Stumbling Home, to step into the bright lights of Ticalís Corner.  (Actually, itís a pretty dim space in my parentís basement next to the houseís boiler and in between my futon and poster of a stern looking Wolverine holding his cat, which says in big white letters at the bottom, ìReal Men Can Have a Pussy.î)

  1. Give the CRFC faithful some background info about yourself, i.e. where you grew up, basketball high/low lights, how you found out about the league.

First off, I want to thank all the little people who I stepped on to help me get here, doing this interview for CRFC. As for my background, grew up in Newton, now residing in Waltham and played ball at Suffolk for a couple of years ìGO RAMSî. My new basketball high is dropping 32 in my opening game at CRFC. What made it so sweet is doing it against Mazzoneís team. The only thing that will be better is doing it on Kareemís team November 13th. Havenít had the misfortunes of having any basketball lowsÖthankfully.

I know the feelingÖ(I wryly clear my throat as I  slightly squirm in my chair, thinking back of my 4 year title drought in A1)

  1. Moving right along, letís just get right to it, why is John Mazzone so jealous of you?  Isnít it apparent by his comments on the boards?

Well Iím not really sure where this jealousy came from. Is it because Iíve out scored him in every league weíve been a part of, or I have a better shot than he does? Or it could just be that heís not as good looking as I am, but whatever it is that makes him jealous, Iím flattered. Heís a good kid, who can just use a little confidence boost, so Iím pulling for him.

Believe me, if I know John as well as I think I do, he feels better already just by reading your response above and knowing that youíre pulling for him.  As for a confidence boost, Iím sure itís nothing $20 and a trip to the Combat Zone couldnít fix, speaking from experienceÖ  Well, um, my friendís experienceÖ  Yeah, Iíve only gone there for lo-mein and fireworks.

(Uncomfortable silence as Tom and I stare at each other for a couple awkward moments as I can tell Tom is silently judging me.  Then, he rolls his eyes, before checking his watch.) 

  1. UmÖWhy donít we just get to your current A1 team, Stumbling Home.

YeahÖsureÖ

Who would you compare Mike Turin to as a coach/captain?  (Joe Torre, Terry Francona, Casey Steingel, Bill Lee, or more obviously Joe NamanathÖetc the list goes on)

Mike is the best coach Iíve ever had. Most coaches ask you to be a team player, pass the ball, and stay within the system.  Mike is far from that.  

I know exactly what youíre saying.  I hate it when they preach about team work and all that weak garbage that gets people no where in life.  Was Bill Gates a team player?ÖNoÖIs Terrell Owens a team player? ÖNoÖAnd they both live better than a team guy, like me.

I know.  Mike sends me messages on a daily basis to remind me to shoot as much as possible. Who doesnít want to play for a guy like that?!

I donít know any names off the top of my head, but I wouldnít hesitate to be as so bold as to call them un-American to their face.

  1. Is Iran next on Wís list?

I have no ideaÖ..but I thought I was the subject of this interview?  Whatís the deal?

Hey man, we got to give the people some hard-hitting questions about current political strata.  It canít all be fun and games.

W is the topic of too many debates as it is, I aint sharing the spotlight.

Iím sorry Tom, where are my manners?

So back to meÖ

  1. Ok, finish this quote, ìSo far in life, I canít believe I : have to answer such a stupid question.î

Seeing how Iím the subject of this interview, Iíd like to take a moment and ask you a question. How privileged do you feel to be conducting this interview with me?

About as privileged as when my neighborís dog took a dump on my lawn and I had the ìprivilegeî of cleaning it up for my parents.

      TouchÈ

  1. Who is the most dominant athlete of all time and why?

Aside from me?

Of Course.

Well, Iíd probably have to say Michael Jordan. I know most locals would say Larry Bird, but Michael didnít have nearly the talent that Larry had around him, and he clearly dominated well above and beyond anyone else. Not to mention that he has his own empire, one that still turns a huge profit even though heís not playing anymore.

Yeah, as well as the fact that heís still in the black after all the beatings he took gambling all these years.  As great, if not the greatest player that he was, deep down, I really think he would take the Washington Generals if the Globetrotters were giving up enough points.

  1. Willie Nelson just got arrested with more than a pound of grass in his tour bus.  Are you as shocked as I am?

Of course I am.  I expected way more than a pound of grassÖ..

Favorite Willie comment comes from the movie Half Baked, ìMan, I remember when a dime bag cost a dime, ya dig?  You know how much a pack of condoms cost back in those days?î

ìUm, no.î

ìShoot, me neither, I never used them.î

  1. Who is a bigger turn off, Hilary Clinton or Turin in an itsy bitsy tinsy winsy yellow pok-a-dot bikini?  

Wow, thatís a tough one. As great of a coach as Mike is, he certainly isnít winning the CRFC sexiest contest, and clearly Hilary is a beast. Letís just say neither would do the trick for me.

Yeah, thatís like choosing between whether you would rather be born blind or deaf:  You canít win either way

  1. If you could choose anyone famous to run for president in the upcoming 2008 presidential election, who would it be and why? 

Actually thank you for asking this question, itís a great segue.  Iíd like to take this opportunity to let everyone know that I, Tom Kahana, will be running for the 2008 presidential election. My entire platform can be found at www.TomKahana2008.com. As you will see on the site, I will be advocating 3 day work weeks, drinking as much as possible, and mandatory hoop games at CRFC every hour on the hourÖÖ..

Didnít Ulysses S. Grant win under the same platform?  Well, everything except for the 3 day work week and CRFC hoops.

  1. Ok, as you will find out on October 20th (the League Nite Out), this league comes with a Sergen Generalís Warning: This league may cause liver damage.  Give us your funniest drinking moment that you can share.  You also get bonus points for throwing someone under the bus that is in the league so keep that in mind. 

Well this one night comes to mind. The location was Hurricane OíReillyís and Kareem and I consumed a large amount of alcohol that night. One would expect that someone who is 6í4 and 215 lbs would be able to keep up with such a small guy like me, but that wasnít the case. I had to carry this tall man down the street to the car where he proceeded to hurl all over the side of the car on the ride home. That was an entertaining experience. Canít wait to relive it on the 20th.

I canít either and Iím sure Kareem will thank you for throwing him under the bus, especially when I get him into the Corner.  Thanks for stepping into the Corner and best of luck this season except against me and my Blue Balls.

No problem, thanks for having me.

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