Trap with Dave Stein

This weekís guest in the Trap is team Captain of the reigning B1 East Champs Silky Johnson. Stein is the quiet leader of a quiet team, which doesnít equate them a ton of CRFC press. Iíd categorize them as the Detroit Pistons of our leagues with so many good players it is hard to stand-out, but I can assure you that they are one of the most feared teams in this league.
Wolverine: Thanks for being on this weekís Trap, Stein. I know you were disappointed when you found out that the interview was done online and not in person, but not just anyone gets to come to my apartment and meet my cat.
Stein: Iím still upset about this. What do I have to do to get an invite? Pretend Iím an overrated, talentless harlot and start dating a whiny French point guard!
Wolverine: Making fun of Eva is not exactly the best way to ingratiate yourself to the host. Please tell the CRFC Nation where you are from, what sports you played in high school/college, and who you paid off to get into Sloan Business School, etc.?
Stein: Iím from Chicago where I was forced to play non-contact sports such as figure skating and gymnastics as a little kid. This all changed when I hit puberty at age 11. In addition to horrifying all the prepubescent girls my age, I instantly became the basketball teams starting center. Things have been downhill ever since. I played a little high school basketball, a lot of football and a season of lacrosse. The only thing Iím good at these days is skiing.
Wolverine: Will you actually use your MBA for monetary gain or will you just use it as I do ñ for the base of my CRFC diorama that I have displayed in my living room?
Stein: I went to school for three reasons. #3 – to make money.
Wolverine: Trust me, you donít need an MBA to ref CRFC basketball.
Stein: #2 – So that I can pretend Iím smart by asking obnoxious questions such as ìWhatís your value add?î and ìShould I run a regression analysis?î
Wolverine: And to get invited to those ever popular ìoff-siteî meetings.
Stein: And #1 – having control of my own schedule for two years so that I can hoop at lunch with other daytime degenerates like Ripley, Stachel, Arnie, and anyone with a biotech job.
Wolverine: Thatís true ñ those biotech guys are always playing hoops! In his most recent blog, Tibbs said ìUntil another team steps up and knocks Silky off in the playoffs, this is their league, and weíre just playing in it.î The following night your team lost to Off by 8 points. First, there was the Wolverine pre-season #1 curse that haunted your team until you finally broke through and wont the title. Do you think now there is a curse with Tibbsí Loose Balls?
Stein: Time will tell on Tibbs’ curse, but his praise definitely doesnít help. It makes us feel a bit too comfortable and it fires the rest of the league up. Iíd rather just fly peacefully under the radar. In other words, shut up Tibbs.
Wolverine: Have you ever done the Macarena or the Electric Slide?
Stein: Iíve done a little of both, but my true talent is the Running Man. Itís rapid and staggering decline in popularity has left me with no party tricks, and to be quite honest, no social life.
Wolverine: Thanks for admitting that. It is my belief that everyone reading this has done either at least once. You are currently the league leader in assists, yet your team has nobody in the overall B1 top 20 player rater? How do you explain this?
Stein: Iím not sure why Adam isnít in the top 20 player rater because heís easily a top 10 guy in the league. The rest of us are mediocre although anyone can have a big night. Weíre far from the most talented team in the league, but we play pretty hard and weíre on our fourth season together. Weíre not going to do anything ridiculous like buying customized team jerseys, but we play well as a team.
Wolverine: Why are manhole covers always circular?
Stein: Cause the holes are round.
Wolverine: Who will be your toughest test in the B1 East this season?
Stein: Thatís a tough question; I think the top four teams are all pretty good. One team in particular has benefited from the new league rule that allows you to add new players in the middle of the season. I really like this rule and am recruiting additional talent as we speak.
Wolverine: In their defense, their #2 player never showed up for the league. Have you ever seen a truck weigh station on the highway that was actually open?
Stein: No, and Iíve taken advantage of this by engaging in a variety of illegal activities at weigh stations. If you ever see a red Camry at a weigh station, I recommend you keep your distance.
Wolverine: Letís say the Commish decides to really shake things up in the B1 League next season and puts all the players in the league into a draft lottery system. Somehow the Stein ping pong ball gets selected and you have the 1st overall pick. Who do you choose? Iíll make it easy on you and say you canít pick any of your current teammates.
Stein: First of all, I pray the league doesnít go to a draft system
Wolverine: Itís just a hypothetical.
Stein: If I had the first pick it would be between Trevor and Ramon. Those guys have killed us in the past.
Wolverine: As Michael Jackson says, you are not alone. What color and material do you think George Bushís proposed fence between the US border and Mexico should be and why?
Stein: Pink cotton candy – that stuff is gross. Honestly, though, Iím worried about Wís new immigration policy. First of all, I donít know what Iíd do without Boca Grande.
Wolverine: Agreed.
Stein: Second, my wife is from England and I donít want her to get deported. I donít have enough time, money, or body wax to be single again.
Wolverine: I often wonder whether it is cheaper to be single or married. Between random relative birthday parties, arbitrary anniversaries, wedding gifts for 18 of her bestest friends, and the obligatory summer trip to some run down New Hampshire commune posing as a bed and breakfast, I am not so sure itís cheaper to be married. Not to mention you have to factor in the potential for the divorce settlement and alimony payments. But I digress. What is your favorite aspect of CRFC basketball?
Stein: The high nice guy to asshole ratio. This usually keeps the rif-raf out with a couple of notable exceptions that I wonít mention. I also enjoy the steel-cage feel to the court. 2 man enter, one man leave.
Wolverine: I have seen Silky power forward John Smith out on the town on several occasions over the years, either drinking at a bar, carousing with unidentified women, or eating pizza late at night over a trash can. How tightly do you monitor Silkyís off-court activities and are you concerned that Mr. Smith seems to model his social life after Derek Jeter?
Stein: I donít monitor this team closely enough. Iíve got Smith and OíConnor out drinking every night, Haven and Hoekwater smoking cigarettes, and Cullen on Crystal Meth. I feel like a failed parent. Iím hoping next seasonís curfew will help. Do you know where I can buy some of those house arrest ankle bracelets?
Wolverine: Martha Stewartís basement?
Stein: And Smithís a Boston guy, so I doubt he wants anything to do with Jeter; except maybe sticking a bottle up his ass and hitting it with a hammer.
Wolverine: I think I would take any opportunity to go out with Jeter regardless of his Yankee affiliation. Which singer would you most like to see have a wardrobe malfunction while singing the national anthem before the next B1 unification match?
Stein: Do you think Dolly Parton is available?
Wolverine: Probably. Thanks for being in the Trap.
Stein: The honor is mine. Being in the trap has easily been the single greatest moment of my adult life.