View From the Balcony: Matt Moretti

This week’s View from the Balcony features a first time captain plying his trade in the Tuesday night B2 5v5 South league. Careful What You Swish For is a new team that just got their first win of the season this week. The only reason I know about him is because I’m covering the league. Do you all see how this works?

Tibbs: Matt, thanks for taking some time to do this with me. Everyone is about to learn a lot about you, without knowing which guy you are on Swish. I hope you’re ok with that. Who are you, what do you do, where’d you come from and how’d your life’s journey bring you to CAC?
Moretti: I’m just a small town girl living in a lonely world. Grew up in Holliston, MA – went to college in Boston in 2006 and have been in the city ever since. I work for a digital marketing company doing social media, SEO, content strategy, website design and all that other new-age jazz for clients. THE INTERNET, MAN.

Tibbs: Ah an internet man. Tell me, what should I be doing differently to ensure that I’m pimping the CAC Basketball brand as much as possible. Give me some tips as an outsider looking in.
Moretti: Contests, giveaways, freebies. Give out more cash off for a team that generates the most followers for @CACBasketball. Give away some gear. Give away some Celtics tickets. Use social to your advantage as much as possible – keep tweeting, posting, instagramming, and be pinteresting. Adding photographs to write ups or scheduling a photographer a few weeks a season could be a huge boost in shareability. Don’t have the cash? Take them from your iPhone and upload, easy as pie.

Make the write ups on the website more shareable – allow the players to be able to send out to their FB friends or email to family in one-motion. Word of mouth is your greatest asset here, so be social.

I am going to do all those things! Maybe, eventually. Anyway, you were telling us how you got here?
Sean Sylver and I are family friends and our bond goes way back. He asked me to join his B1 team last winter (and I probably sold myself a bit high when I explained my skills.) Needless to say I’m much more of a B2 player, so I decided to run my own team this winter due to my crippling case of “always needing to be in charge-itis”

Ok, so you and Sylver are the only guys with previous CAC experience right? Tell me a little bit about your squad, how’d you decide who got the exclusive invites to Careful What You Swish For?
Yes we are. I’ve been heavy into intramural sports for the past 2 years (and this may shock you, but basketball is not where most of my skills are distributed.) We have a solid contingent of hometown friends living in the Boston area, so we get a team together for softball, soccer, and now basketball each season. All of the guys on this team grew up together, partied in college together, and now still see each other here at CAC and on the weekends.

This is the portion of the interview where you can feel free to tell a couple embarrassing stories about your teammates or throw one or two under the bus. They have no way of retaliation, so you should probably take advantage of that. Friedman looks like a guy who might want to fight after a couple drinks. Give me something here!

Let’s do it – here’s a fun fact about each of my teammates. I’ll be kind to these guys in this space because I once heard something about stones and glass houses…

Sylver – Performed in an amateur wrestling event in college; powerbomb ruined his back
Shea – Once killed a skunk from fifty yards away with a half-empty grape soda bottle (and this is the #98 most offensive story you’ll ever hear about him)
Friedman – Caught fly balls in the outfield for the 2003 MLB Home Run Derby in Chicago
King – Kicker for a Massachusetts state championship HS football team; high functioning diabetic
Harris – Salesman by day, woman hunter at night, CrossFit trainer on the weekends. Rinse. Repeat.
Zavaski – Represented Poland at the Mr. Universe pageant in 2011.
Castellanos – Roommates with Joe Flacco at Delaware. Dared him to grow out his unibrow for the rest of his life.
Masterson – Amateur yogi
Tehan – Grew up down the street from me, when we were 13 we spent a summer jumping into neighbors’ pools at night. So fun then, so weird to type out right now.

This is the kind of dirt I want on everyone. As long as Zavaski isn’t popping into games rocking a speedo I think we’ll be ok
I did want to build a team that could compete in CAC, so I strategically chose the best basketball players that I am still in contact with.

Do a lot of good basketball players recommend the ‘line-change’ strategy employed during week 2?
A lot of good basketball players would not, but I don’t count myself among that group. My hockey routes shined through during that game, and I regret it. Having full attendance can sometimes be a bad thing. We had about a very long email chain planning out that one.

In that week you guys came early to heckle the #pigslife guys, was that on purpose? Do you know them outside of CAC or could you pick up on the fact that those guys should be heckled mercilessly after only one week of action?
A little bit of both. #PigsLife has a few guys from our hometown as well. Chaisson 1, Chaisson 2, and Russ Goldenberg all grew up with us. To be honest we showed up so early in Week 2 because we were disappointed in our play in Week 1 and wanted to arrive early to prepare. It was a coincidence that #PigsLife was playing before us, but we took advantage of the close quarters and shouted some friendly insults.

So that week 1 match-up had some added significance to it. How do you feel about the rematch with those guys coming up in week 8. You think you can beat them? The Chaissons’ certainly yammer a lot on the court. Did you know Adrian gets fouled every time he misses a 2 pointer? Crazy isn’t it? Also, Champagne and Russ have both struggled a bit since playing you guys, don’t let them take advantage of you next time around and you should beat them.
#Pigslife is a good squad though with some real ballers on there, we respect the hell out of those guys yada yada yada.
Seriously though I think we gave those guys a good game – considering it was Week 1, I just think they were more game-ready than we were. Also it was our first time playing together as a team, and we still had a lot of kinks to work out – we still do now too. I think next time it plays much closer, maybe a pick ‘em but please set the line for us to be underdogs because NOBODY BELIEVES IN US.

The sooner everyone realizes I don’t believe in any of them, the better.
Footnote: we also did not have Brendan Shea at that game, and his entire body takes up the paint so we employ a pretty solid strategy with him planted there now.

Shockingly, searching ‘Matt Moretti Suffolk’ doesn’t return any links with basketball stats. What internal politics kept you off the team?
Find me on a baseball diamond or a soccer field if you’re looking for me, but don’t look any further than Holliston High School. Basketball is not my forte and probably my least favorite sport. I love the competition and fitness CAC brings us all, but yikes man, my jumper can be wild sometimes.

If there’s one thing I wish I still did it’s play soccer. I miss standing in the net and getting balls kicked at my head. Good times. ALLSTATE! I have this theory that a lot of people actually want to play the sport their least talented at in order to convince themselves they can get better at something. For instance, over the course of the last 2 years, I’ve fallen in love with bowling. But it’s more of a love/hate relationship. I’m awful, get ridiculously mad at myself because I can’t pick up a simple 4/7 spare and my wife is much better than me. My bowling league doesn’t even provide write-ups of our matches! Why do we do this to ourselves?
Bowling rocks, and I only play it about once per year for some reason. But every single time I’m there I think “Wow, I’m having so much fun! I promise myself I’ll come back and do this again soon.”
And then I never do…

That’s ok, I cost my team (the wife and I) 4 wins last night when i blew the 10th frame in not one, but 2 games. As anyone who has seen me playing during Finals games and knows about my 3-12 record can attest.

Let’s switch gears, what’s on your ipod that gets you pumped up before a game?
I’m a huge country music fan in the daytime, but by night before a bball game I crush “Guerrilla Radio” by Rage Against The Machine or “Bulletproof” by La Roux.

Because you admitted that I feel comfortable that I’m a huge fan of having Ke$ha ‘BLOW’ pound through my headphones at least twice before every game. Have you seen that music video?

There’s a lot going on. Let’s take a minute to break it down:

0:00 Disclaimers are great, I already know heading in that some sort of mythological creature is going to be harmed, but not really. I’m hoping for a centaur or a griffin.
0:10 UNICORN HEADS! That means Unicorns are going to be harmed at some point.
0:29 Beek eyebrow raise! I’m going to take this time to once again be bummed that Don’t Trust the B was cancelled by ABC. I didn’t watch it religiously or even particularly like it, but Van Der Beek playing himself at his self-deprecating best was a joy to watch whenever i wanted to clean out by DVR. Someone give Dawson another chance!
0:45 Has anyone given the official ruling on whether or not Ke$ha is hot or not? Can we go back to 2000 and put her on the Hot or Not website and make every guy with computer access vote on her? I need to know where we stand as a contry on this issue
0:55 Unicorn heads and finger guns, enough said.
0:57 Biggest question, how are finger guns going to hurt unicorns?
1:05 the first “BLOW” payoff, that took way too long
1:14 Unicorn with an eyepatch! That’s the most ridiculous eye patch since Emilio Largo rocked one in Thunderball
1:33 Is she, making out, with that unicorn with an eye patch? WTF does that even represent?!
1:42 Every suit jacket should have tear away sleeves, just in case
2:12 It honestly didn’t even look like Ke$ha was wearing a bra, she took that off pretty easily if you ask me. I demand more realistic bra removals in music videos that feature finger guns and unicorn heads with an eye patch
2:22 Is the Beek pulling off his own bra, or performing a magic trick where the bra Ke$ha removed appeared in his shirt and he’s presenting it to a stunned crowed of unicorn heads? I think I’m overanalyzing this video
2:45 How many writers do you think it took to come with with the following lines
“James Van Der Douche”
“I don’t appreciate you slander-beeking my name”
“Keh, dollar sign, hah”
I’m going to say 4, or, 4 times as many as she uses to write her songs
3:00 Are we really looping back to that hors d’oeuvre and calling it a snack?
3:19 Wait, ‘shall we dance?’ really meant, ‘shall we shoot rainbows at each other with ‘real’ guns instead of our finger guns’?! Man I really want to live inside Ke$ha’s head for a couple days. No hours, I’ll take 5 minutes.
3:23 Unicorn shields!
4:00 Ke$ha doesn’t belive in truce, or having an outside voice censor her ridiculous thoughts.
4:05 I enjoy the Beek trophy, but why are the unicorns laughing next to her? She just killed dozens of their countrymen (countrycorns?)?
4:10 Unicorns laugh but don’t talk? I really wanted to hear what one sounded like.

That was fun, let’s get back to you though
All of that because I said I liked “Bulletproof”? You must really enjoy procrastinating.

You have no idea, that’s what this entire thing is built around, everyone killing time. My favorite gem unearthed during my exhaustive 2 second search of your name was this
“Matt takes pride in using his Mom Central experience to be a Jack-of-all-trades in an office full of Jills.
Tell us a bit about that. You are totally like Oz joining band for the chicks right? RIGHT?!
I started off my career at a social media agency that specializes in working with Mom bloggers. I worked with 95% women at a small company – officially I was an Account Manager, but I relished my unofficial role as the “office guy” which allowed me to put together furniture, lift heavy things, and finish off any uneaten lunches.

Can someone who graduated college in 2010 appreciate an American Pie reference from 1999 when they must have been, what, 10?
Of course. About as much as I can appreciate warm apple pie. For a 10-year-old, that movie was a glimpse into my raunchy, not-so-far-away future.

Jesus I remember when I was the young one.
Are you fishing for a compliment here? Awww come on… you’re still young…

You know the only reason I do these things, and run the leagues, is so everyone tells me how cool my job, and by association I, is/am. I’m not sure the proper phrasing of that clusterfuck of a sentence. I clearly fell asleep in all my English classes.
The previous exchange in a nutshell, Tibbs starring as the old woman

Are you more a McSteamy or McDreamy kind of guy?
Tough question – toughest on the whole interview. McSteamy had his moments, and I guess as a younger man I idolized his care-free, carousing behavior. But there’s just something about P.Dempsey and his full head of hair that keeps me coming back for more.

Do you mean P.Dempsey or N.Candito. That man also has a fine head of hair. Unfortunately I was unable to find a photo of one with it at its current length on facebook to do a side by side comparison  I’m usually such a good stalker too. Also, how is nick friends with my cousin? I swear she’s still like, 17. Nope, 25, ok I feel a bit better now…
I mean… what? I think i just blacked out like Will Ferrell at the debate in Old School.

Exactly. Are you impressed with how much research I’ve done for this interview?
Impressed, frightened, a bit aroused – but mostly frightened.

So you’re every freshman who was naive enough to come into the Demas suite?
I can only imagine.

If you could be Facebook friends from any one person in history, who would it be?
JFK – but it was a private account (only I could see it) so he felt comfortable sharing all the crazy stuff he did without worry. Yeah, that’d be pretty sweet.

My choice is Henry the Eighth to see feeds like this













I really do love to waste time. It’s still early in your CAC Career, but how do you see your time here playing out? Any championships, new teams, player feuds in your future?
I love the fitness, I love the excuse to leave my house on Tuesday nights while my girlfriends watches Pretty Little Liars, and I love the camaraderie with friends and competitors.
Things are going well in B2 so count on me and my teammates being a mainstay here for years to come.
We don’t feud with other teams… just the refs. And also other teams.

Awesome, exactly what I expected. Leave us with some advice or a non-google-able fact about yourself that would surprise the reading audience.
I play the acoustic guitar and can sing like a goddamn angel.
PS: Google knows everything Tibbs, and they will find you.

There you have it ladies and gents, Matt Moretti’s CAC intro to instant fame, riches and championships. Ok, maybe none of those things, but he got his own blog entry!