View From the Balcony: Matt, Tim, No Turds

Co-Captains Get a Chance to Speak!

Fellas, welcome to the Balcony. I was going to make this a team profile, you know, get the gist from everyone on the squad, but no one likes He Who Shall Not be Named, Max is too new still, and Scott, he’s just too unassuming. So why not give free reign to you too?? The self-proclaimed co-captains, have at it! 

Give everyone the low down on why you guys are still putting up with each other at Wall Ball. The glue that held you guys together, hating on J-Lo, moved away like a year ago. So what’s the deal, how do you guys know each other off the court?

Tim: Off the court: We all went to Bentley together. I met Matt in class (yes most of us attended class on a regular basis – Matt a little less than the rest of us) and we started an Intramural flag football team together. Shockingly we were all pretty good students. Side note: Mike Albert is a genius. Then we all played intramural bball together at Bentley. Yes we hated on Lohmiller back then too. I don’t have much insight on Max I believe Mike is the only one that knew him from Bentley. We all have the same thing in common: we were part of a small group of Bentley students who didn’t come from filthy rich parents. 

Matt: Tim pretty much nailed it there. Heís a great co-captain. Weíve kept it about the same since Lohballer left us. We constantly trash talk to each other before, during, and after the game. Thereís nothing quite like trying to shoot a free throw while someone is making comments about your sister or mother, it really helps great fee throw shooters like myself. As for knowing each other off the court ñ Bentley intramural and lack of money were definitely what brought us together. Mike and Scott practiced with the womenís team at Bentley (which Tim and I made fun of them for – mostly because we werenít good enough to do it too). I still donít really know who Max is, does he play on our team? 

Let’s get the elephant in the room out of the way early. The name change. I feel like Matt, Tim, & the Turds is a HUGE upgrade over Gym Shoes & Jersey. As the co-captains, weren’t you guys afraid of a bit of backlash?

Tim: Matt and I decided a name change was needed since Lohmiller had ditched us a long time ago. We spent a day trading name ideas through email till we unanimously decided on Matt, Tim & the Turds. When I say unanimously I obviously just mean Matt and I b/c the rest of the team got no input on the name change. As co-captains we get to decide on the important team matters. Off the subject is there any way you can get us “C”s to place on our jerseys? We need to do this so the rest of our team starts to hate us even more. I think that answers your question: “As the co-captains, weren’t you guys afraid of a bit of backlash?” NO!

Matt: Backlash? What backlash? You can’t question the captains. Sure they may not be happy with the name change but look at the performances they are having. I think we added quite a bit of fuel to their competitive fire ñ Tim and I may be the smartest captains this league has ever seen (we should be up for co-GM of the year). Definitely need those Cís on the jersey as well.


Listen, I’ll see what I can do about the Cs, but if I haven’t done anything by next season, and I probably won’t, you guys are required to sew some on yourselves.  I’ll go out of my way to make sure the Commish doesn’t hassle you guys about your 6th player fee that you’re always trying to duck out of.  Tim is pretty feminine, he should be able to embroider them with a nice black outline so they stand out…
The challenge is on.  My guess is we end up going with duct taped C’s on our jerseys.

He Who Shall Not be Named is obviously going out of his way to steal even more rebounds than he has in previous seasons, definitely backlash for being a Turd, you guys ok with that trade-off?

Tim: I don’t go for rebounds anyway so I am fine with the trade-off. Going for defensive rebounds hinders my ability to cheat up on the offensive end for an easy bucket and going for offensive rebounds is out of the question b/c I only stand around the three point line

Matt: I already proposed this to you, Tibbs, but there is a need to start calling fouls. Random Task has committed over the back fouls and self passes countless times over the past few seasons. I donít care that he is doing it to his own teammates (i.e. me), itís still a foul. My rebound and assist numbers have suffered because of this selfishness. To add to Timís comments, thatís why we are leaders. I crash the boards to grab (steal) rebounds and then look up to Tim who is ready to attack on offense (cherry picking). I get a rebound and an assist and Timmy gets an easy bucket. Again, this is why Tim and I are captains ñ weíre smarter than the rest of our team. 

See you guys are lucky, your teammates are going to have no forum to respond to you bashing them.  I’m not giving them an interview AND they’re not on the boards.  Matt I blame this entirely on you.  What kind of captain who’s an active C.A.C. participant doesn’t get his guys on the boards.  Sweens and I rip on each other all the time as teammates, it should be mandatory for a team like yours! If Tim’s not gunning for his own points, Matt’s trying to get steals and dboards. Both of you are trying to pad your stats, but at least you’re balanced, you guys just need an outlet for all that.

Tim: I speak for Matt and myself when I say “Padding your own stats is the only fun way to play CAC bball”. How are you going to respond to that? I bet you will say: “Their is no I in team!” My response to that is the following: True statement but with a closer look you will find a ME.
Matt:  I can’t be held responsible for these clowns not getting on the boards.  I tell them every week I’m making fun of them on there and that doesn’t even help.  Maybe they’re just not up to speed with technology, it is pretty crazy these days.

Tim, I want you to be honest, how do you and the rest of the team feel about Matt pulling double and triple duty by playing for the Evil Empire, Genzyme. Don’t hold back on him, I want to know what it’s really like to have to put up with a lying, smelly, backstabby teammate who likes to play for free.

Tim: Matt I will not hold back on you since you decided to play on 35 different Genzyme teams. I think the only reason he is playing with them is to get an autograph from Billet. Maybe he can steal some of their secrets and bring them back to our team. Overall I am just disappointed in him. I bet his plan is to ditch us in the near future. Good thing I am a better athlete than him so it won’t matter if we end up playing against him (Oh Snap). I applaud him on finding free basketball. Free stuff is what I live for. Tibbs you should be handing out free stuff to promote the league. The economy is tough right now so it would be a good change to get something for free. 

Matt: You shouldnít hold back and I appreciate it. At least you realize that if you could play for free for a couple of teams you would do exactly the same thing. Unfortunately Billetís not playing this season (I definitely would have gotten you an autograph donít worry), I was kind of disappointed I couldnít team up with the guy who dropped 60 on me last time I covered him. Definitely no plans to ditch this team anytime soon ñ I like the name too much. 

You want free stuff? How about asking for the scoreboard to get fixed first, that’d be a step in the right direction. If that thing shuts off on me one more gd time…

Moving on, we’re going to try to be nice for a second, who are your favorite players in the C.A.C. Leagues. If either of you mentions you know who, I’ll be very disappointed.

Tim: Don’t worry Tibbs I will not say you are my favorite person in the league. Maybe if I wasn’t so self centered I could answer this question. The only person I can think of is myself.

Matt: Again I have to agree with Tim here ñ I really only like myself. I have noticed, though, that everyone at the CAC is pretty cool. Itís the only place Iíve played at where there isnít a fight every week.

You guys have been a staple for a couple years now. Some of the players in the leagues have gone out of their way to accuse Gripp of playing favorites when she used to cover you guys. How have you handled the extra attention and spotlight. I hope to be someone’s favorite one day. 

Tim: I had no idea people thought we were getting an unfair advantage. I assumed they just thought our unfair advantage was having Mike grab every rebound for the entire game. I will let matt handle this question b/c I have nothing to say on this sour subject. I am above this (I am above nothing b/c I suck but that sounded good). 

Matt: I canít blame her for playing favorites. Honestly, if I were covering the games I would be all over us too. You have to admit it Tibbs, youíve definitely come to enjoy our antics over the years. Grippís definitely a smart gal, you should hold on to her as long as you can. 

Believe me, that’s something I will be doing.  She hits layups, I don’t, she hits 3s, I don’t, she wins Chips, I don’t. As you can see we’ve got a very balanced relationship.

I’ve got some beef with you guys. J-Loh is the one Turd (he can be an honorary Turd right?) that actually made it to a League Night Out.  If we were to have one in say a month (shh, but it’s in the works!) what’s the likely hood that we’d see MT&T repped??

Please don’t mention his name along with the Turds ever again, he left us for the Midwest and so did the Gym Shoes name.  Even though he did bring us all to the CAC.  I’d say there’s a real good chance of us gracing you with our presence.  I definitley enjoy beer and lots of it.  Would you be able to allow Tim and I into the gym aftwerwards for a drunken game of 1 on 1?  I think that’s how the night would have to end if we made it out.  Also I saw on the boards a comment about a beiruit tourney…why hasn’t this happened yet?  Tim and I don’t lose especially to kids in Blue shirts.
TimI don’t even know how to respond to this comment.  J-Loh is a turd but not for this team.  As for the League Night Out I will be gracing you with my presence.  Beiruit Tourney?  Matt and I will not lose to you in beirut no matter who your partner is.  I will assume trash talking is allowed at this tournament.  I feel like you should pick your girlfriend as your partner b/c she is more athletic than you and has a better shot.  I don’t think this beirut tournament will ever take place so I am throwing out an official challange to you and whoever you want to play us.  If you accept the challenge we will be able to tell you the great story behind the “blue shirt” comment Matt made above. 

Beirut MUST happen in the near future.  I’m going to preemptively strike before Gripp can and say our place is off limits to all you slobs.  But Serge can be convinced to host.  All I’ve got to say is that it would definitely have to be a randomly drawn and seeded tournament, all taped of course.  Whoever is lucky enough to be on my team WILL win.

Let’s go off the basketball topic for a couple questions and get your opinion on the following: 

Spitz smoking weed ñ he’s just trying to stay relevant at this point, right?

Matt: If by Spitz you mean Phelps then, yeah, I think thatís what he was going for. He can only appear in so many Rosetta Stone commercials. By the way, did anyone hear him talk after? I wonder if the weed helped him with his lisp? 

Wow I didn’t even notice that goof, nor did my editor.  The lesson, as always… 

Tim: Phelps smoking weed is no big deal. That freak of nature spends 99% of his life training under water so I say let him have some fun. Also, I found out at our last game that you actually have a CAC business card. Yes I took one in case you were counting. I am sure I am the only person who has ever taken one since the girl behind the counter gave me a very strange look when I decided to take your card. I showed it to the team and we all had a good laugh. We will all have to go out one day and see if your business cards work for picking up the ladies. 

Hey wait to go way, way, way off topic there man, thanks a lot.  Yea I do have one, and as Serge and Macho can attest to, it does NOT help pick up the Ladies.  Wait, maybe I’m just using the wrong sample? 

Pittsburgh winning the Super Bowl ñ did either of you want to crush your tv like I did when Holmes made that catch? I hate Pitt almost as much as I hate the Giants

Tim: I will let Matt answer the Pats question. I live and die with the Pats and I cannot put my hatred into words for the Giants and Steelers.  

Matt: I wanted to puke. That was awful. I hate the Steelers. Nothing will ever come close to the travesty that was last year but that definitely gave me a similar feeling. My girlfriendís dog was on the couch next to me, I almost picked the poor pup up and threw her through the TV (before realizing I would be without a TVÖoh yeah and a girlfriend and the fact that I love dogs). Also, has anyone noticed how fat ìBenísî face is? I know Iím just bitter but that thing is ridiculous. Stupid Cardinals, theyíll always suck.

Honestly Gripp coudn’t watch the game for more than 5 minutes without the same comment about Big Ben.  Dude is nearly as big as the clock tower.

I was going to stick a hockey question in here, but does anyone even follow that ‘sport’? Ha! There’s the question!

Tim: The hockey question hits home with me. I have played hockey since I was 4 years old (probably explains why I suck at bball so much). Tibbs have you ever been to a Bruins vs. Canadians game? It doesn’t get much better than that. I follow the sport closely but I can honestly admit the game still needs a few rule changes. I got the solution: The NHL has to go to four on four.

Matt: Timís right, you need to get yourself to a Bruins ñ Canadians game. I went last year to that game 6. Might have been one of the best sporting events Iíve ever been to. Hockey was almost dead to me before the Bruins resurgence last year. Glad I gave it another chance.

You guys are gay…eh?

And lastly, because I can ñ who do you want announcing your game? Erin Andrews or Charissa Thompson ( )?

Tim: Charissa Thompson!

Matt: Gotta disagree here. Erin Andrews! Even if her legs are taller than me. 

I’m going to ask that question to every interviewee and see what the number looks like.  Maybe I should just put a poll on the boards and see what the general C.A.C. consensus is.  Fellas, as always, it’s been a blast any parting shots you want to make?

Matt: You’re welcome for us taking time out of our busy work days to do this.  It was fun, even if the rest of our team won’t read it.  I guess it makes it even better when you can bash your own team in a public forum without them even being able to respond.  Guess that’s why they’re the Turds haha

Tim: No final comment needed I have said enough.   

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