As shocking and unbelievable as this may sound, my title does not refer to a girl…
Ohhhh, thatís right people. Your boy came back from his brotherís bachelor party in Sin City without VD or getting arrested. Already it has to be better than every other trip I took this summer.
Even in Vegas I still had you Mother CACers on my mind. Saturday night our crew, after a full day of boozing and creepiní girls out, headed to Planet Hollywood (donít know or remember the clubís name in there) for some VIP action.
After drinking beer all day, probably the worst thing to do was to start drinking the 10 bottles of Vodka they provided for us, but I thought it would be a shame to waste all that pretty liquor.
I am standing up from the table, probably swayin a tad at the balconyís edge, when I noticed this big jacked dude standing right next to me. I tell him to be careful standing so close to me because people will think we are identical twins. My brother approaches me, half-worried about me running my mouth/half curious and asks me what I just said to the guy that got him laughing his ass off.
I told my brother what I said and he tells me, ìdonít you know who that guyís with?î
I turn and not 10 feet away is Gary Payton.
I holler out, ìYo Glove!!! I Love the Glove!!î
I go right up to him and he shakes my hand. I tell him that he was the man but ìI donít think he can stick me.î
Yeah, he laughed at me too. Except I was being dead serious, but since it was my brotherís party I didnít want to start any static.
I ask him if he will do an interview. For some odd reason he doesnít recognize me. Apparently my column hasnít caught on the professional circuit so I lie and tell him Iím from the Globe. I keep slurrin “Iím starting a new section that will interview athletes and their entourages to do a sort of real life entourage series with stories/highlights.” He seems rather engaged UNTIL…
Mini-Me is on the Mic screaming something indiscernible and I sprint off in that direction. By the time Iím in Mini-Me’s area heís swerving around in his little scooter and I just get right in his face and scream ìSTOP HUMPING THE LASER!!!î Immediately a bouncer tosses me about 10 feet back in the direction of our table.
Now this night can’t get any weirder right? WRONG! This is no lie, it turns out, on one side of our VIP table we had the Glove and now I notice that Wee-Man from Jackass is on the other side. I feel like a frickiní giant and I am consumed with the idea of getting Wee Man and Mini Me to fight…If the bouncers would let me anywhere near Mini Me again.
Then I realized I messed up. Rather than being consumed with the idea of being the tallest person somewhere and having 2 midgets fight, I should have kept my eye on the Glove because I noticed he flew the coup and so did my chance to get a professional athlete to step into the Corner, which would have been a CAC first.
I apologize to you all and all vertically challenged people I have ridiculed in my travels. I am a self loather what can I say?