What Would Joey Diesel Do?

What Would Joey DieselÆ Do?


For my next chapter, itís my honor to get help from the originator himself, Joey Diesel.  For those of you still wet behind your CAC ears, Diesel was the Chris Berman of the league, trendsetter if you would, from the original years.  Heís got more muscle than an 18 wheeler, more flamboyance than all five of the queer eye peeps combined, more one liners than Red Foxx, more fortitude than an elephant with testicular elephantitis, more wit than Mel Gibson after a night of drinking at a Klan rally, and more life experience than a man who has lived 100 lives.


After the 3rd beer thrown in my face by a cougar at the Warren Tavern on Wednesday after telling them about myself, I came to one conclusion:  I am 23 and donít know dick about dick. So rather than sobbing into my pillow, well, even more so, or calling another hotline, I decided who better than Joey Diesel to help steer my life into the right direction.


Diesel, great to see you again after your 2 year hiatus.


Great to see you as well Sean Oí.  I see that the league has grown to Orca proportions.  I can remember when the Wolverine was just a Hedge Hog and Black Ice was just something you avoided while drunk driving.  But it was cool hanging out with you the other night.  There is nothing better than getting reacquainted over cheap draft beer while watching two beasts fight til death.


Diesel I thought we werenít going to mention our trip to the Vick residence till after the investigation is over.  Oh, well, but seriously for a while there I thought someone had framed you for your wifeís murder and you had to go on the lamb from a pretentious US Marshall.


I donít run Sean.  You know that.  If a black bear were on my tracks, you best believe that Iím eating well at the end of the day, while staying warm in my new fur.  I just needed some Diesel time.  But seriously, itís great to be back.  From you to the Commish, from Paul to, to even my old flame Destiny, itís great to see everyone and I can honestly say that you were all missed!


Ok so you are here to help me start making improvements to my life by telling me how you would handle particular situations that occur quite frequently in my life.


You obviously came to the right place, letís do it.


What would Joey Diesel do if a girl asked you if she looked fat in a dress?


I would say that she looks voluptuous. But do with a straight face and a subtle wink.  Otherwise it might not work.  Remember, just because she canít see her feet, doesnít necessarily mean that she is dumb! 


What would Joey Diesel do if he found some sort of bumps, um, how you say ìbelow the equator,î but heís sure it has to be razor burn?


Well if there is a ìRain Forestî at these particular coordinates, then you can throw out the razor burn theory and get your ass to your primary physician to get checked out.  But if are absolutely sure that itís just razor burn, then itís nothing that a little baby powder or maybe some petroleum jelly couldnít fix.


What would Joey Diesel do if the Commish asked him to work overtime and heíd rather pray for an aneurism just to get out of it?


Josh leads by example.  That kid works until he canít stand.  If I even considered saying no to him, I would feel inadequate as a ìworking manî, so I would have to bite down and bear it!


What would Joey Diesel do if the Wolverine was dating your sister? (Matt why havenít you called my sister back!?!  I hate you)


I would kick his ass.  Heís not just known as ìthe Wolverineî on the court ya know.  The man is an animal.  He has been known to force woman to have hip replacement after spending time with that guy!


What would Joey Diesel do if he was say, 150 lbs with a muscle structure of a 13 yr old girl and someone scuffs your new white on white Air Force Ones?


Hope for an apology.


What would Joey Diesel do if the only way you could get women to listen to you was to ref their basketball games and once you finally get them to listen, youíre NEVER right?


When it comes to woman, rarely am I ever right anyway.  So that wouldnít bother me much.  But if I were to ref a basketball game, I would definitely let the woman play, hoping for the game to turn physical in the paint.  Then I could just swallow the whistle and watch the girls rough it up a bit. 


What would Joey Diesel do if someone didnít like what you wrote about them in a write up?


Sean, that would happen every week.  You canít make everyone happy.  Being a C.R.F.C. ìbeat writerî, or in your case a C.A.C. ìbeat writerî, you try to give the viewing public what they want, while stroking the egos of the players.  Although there were some who were just jerks and they deserved every lashing that they got!


What would Joey Diesel do if he didnít have a dime to get a girl a happy meal?  (Seriously, whatever happened to falling in love with a man and his bus pass?)


There is two ways to a womanís heart.  The first is you need to be a good listener.  Every guy knows that.  Girls love a guy who pays attention to detail.  (To quote Brady quoting American Pie ìThat sounds like a LOT of work.î)  The other is, you must know how to play with hair.  You play with a womanís hair just right and she will do anything.  And if for whatever reason, this advice fails you, lie and tell her that you are close to receiving a large settlement and your lawyer advised you to stop working until you receive the money. And that is why you are broke with no job.


What would Joey Diesel do if his Camry got a flat?


Call AAA or start carrying the Camry home.  With my size, I donít need a lot of patience.  Dangerous combination for everyone else. 


What would Joey Diesel do if his parentís basement wasnít exactly where he pictured himself living at 23 and his mom refuses to cut the crust on his PB&Jís anymore?


What are you saying Sean?  Shoot, I was living in my momís basement at 23!  And I can tell you that June was rusthless!  Actually my mother was great to me and still is.  There is a lot of truth to the saying, ìnever bite the hand that feeds youî.  I will be repaying her until the day I meet my maker.


And finally, what would Joey Diesel do if he was in Joey Dieselís shadow?


Grab some snacks and enjoy the show.  A roller coaster doesnít have the turns that my life has had.  But I can honestly say that I have met a lot of people and made a lot of friends.  But if I were to have you and the readers of this column one message it would be this.  ìGrief is the price we all pay for loveî.  Learn that my friends.  A lot truth behind it!!!  


Deep waters over here people, donít be reading this without a lifeguard present.  As always it was my pleasure to get Diesel back in the spotlight and from what I hear, THIS TIME, he is well on his way to a comeback.