All the craze these days is reffing basketball games. Everyone always asks me how they can follow in my tiny footsteps and become an iconic CAC ref. Well let me warn all you wanna bees out there it aint all the glitz and glammer that the Wolverine makes it out to be. When you put that whistle on, you become more than an official. Thanks to the Sullivan’s Tap/Squad game, I was reminded of just how many jobs are incorporated into reffing washed up athletes who think this is game 7 of the NBA championship.
(I PREFACE THIS ENTIRE BLOG BY SAYING I SUCK AS AN OFFICIAL. ITS LIKE SAYING NO OFFENSE SO YOU CANT BE OFFENDED)
It Was the One Armed Man!!!
Is it just me or as a kid didn’t everyone learn that snitches get stitches? You know how many times I caught a beating for telling my teacher that lil’ Johnny was stealing my paste, or telling my parents that my sister stole my “Rabbit” from my nightstand and didn’t clean it after she was done? All refs hear on the court is “He’s holding my arm…He hit me…He grabbed me…WHAAAA WHAAA WHAAA.” Do the math, 1 ref for 8 people and 4 walls to boot. You don’t have to be a matheologist to figure out a lot gets missed. Why is it when we take the court as players we forget the “code of silence?”
I Prevent Domestic Violence
Me and the Wolverine have discussed this at length. I believe that when some people take the court they are taking out their frustrations of being stuck in a dead end marriage/job/life/ or any other short comings in life. If I didn’t get screamed at for 45 minutes by some people I bet they would be going home and taking a belt a la Godfather to their significant other. (Favorite Godfather Qoute “GO AHEAD BREAK IT ALL YOU SPOILED GUINEA!”) Its all good, I will bear that cross for all the ladies out there. God knows my hitting on them for some time now is a form of DV so I guess this is like my community service. Cmon what girl doesn’t want to hear me spit “Can I buy you a drink or do you just want cash?” Some people save the world wearing a cape and cowl, some other handsome young men wear whistles and a thick eyebrow.
So Tell Me What You Don’t Like About Myself
We should have a couch at half court so players can just lay down and tell me their problems during timeouts and halftime. “Tical, when you miss a call, it just makes me all mad inside.” Then I can say, “I understand your frustration. I will try to do better the next time.” Big Hug like the end of an episode of Full House and wham, problem solved.
He Who Hasn’t Hacked Toss The First Verbal Club
Why is it that every time YOU commit a foul or travel and it doesn’t get called you don’t snitch on yourself with the same roaring intensity? Last night about 5 people should have fouled out of that Sullivan Tap game with about 10 minutes to play in the second half. We would have ended up playing 2 on 2 if I called every foul that I saw. And people want consistency from officials?
Wait This Is A Contact Sport!?!
This just in – basketball is a contact sport. You mean to tell me all you Celtics fans out there weren’t calling Kobe a bitch during the Series when he bitched and moaned every play. Of course you were. CAC is starting a swim team in the fall. If you cannot locate your testicles or ovaries (I know at least 2 ladies read these blogs) please see the Commish to sign up for the swim team. PS Tibbs can you wax my bikini line before September so I can try out? There aint much there but it will be a great bonding experience.
Never Cry Wolf
I love players who never commit fouls but always get fouled. These people only exist on basketball courts and episodes of the X-Files. It is a strange phenomenon. Every time a lay up is missed or the ball gets stolen from them, “I got fouled” is the battle cry. When a foul is called on them, it’s like when the scientists first displayed the elephant man to the public or like Redd Foxx simulating his heart attack joke on Sanford and Son: absolute shock. Instead of taking your hurt pride out on the official do what I use to do when I was 10: pretend you twisted an ankle or caught a devastating eyelash to the eye and have to sit out a play or two. Then when you come back in everyone is like wow that kid is tough playing through that injury. Pride patched back together homie!
The Shoe Is On the Other Foot
Who didn’t say one negative word to me all game despite me tossing some bad calls his way: Chris Sweeney. The same Chris Sweeney who use to think I had a personal vendetta against him when I didn’t even know who he was. The same Chris Sweeney that I use to think wouldn’t R Kelly me if I was on fire. The same Chris Sweeney who screamed profanities at the top of his lungs at me after a game 2 years ago. After I explained to Chris that I did not catch that “Sweeney Penis Envy” that was going around in Wakefield, we were cool. He explained a lot of guys were jealous of his piece, but I assured him I was not creepin on him in the locker room and I just reffed a bad game. Way to man up Chris.
And Finally: “YOU’RE WORTHLESS!!!”
It hurts every time I hear it. Last night as a player was heading off the court, he exclaiimed that “YOU [ME] ARE WORTHLESS!!!” The sad news is that it wasn’t the first time I’ve been told Iím worthless by a guy. The good news is at least this time we both had our clothes on!
Thanks to Gym Shoes and SOMF for taking it easy on me for the night cap. I just keep running up the tab with you Gym Shoes guys. Just remember people, be careful what you ask for when you want to be the man or boy behind the whistle. Serenity Now off to an undisclosed location for another summer vaca, I miss you all already.