Why Texas Should be its Own Country

Before I continue, I am just going to say if you donít believe me, just click on the link below to read the whole story:




So I finally get a break from the tormenting pits of school work, when I decide that I need a break and go to check my AOL e-mail before entering stats from last nightís 5 on 5 when I find this little gem of a story.


The opening paragraph reads, ìThe Independent School District of Burleson, Texas, just south of Ft. Worth is the first in the country to adopt a policy of training students to immediately fight back and use their advantage in numbers to take tactical control if a gunman enters their classroom.î  This is no joke.  The people in charge of this school district are training little kids to charge a grown man with a gun and think that their strength in numbers combined with them throwing books and pencils at the gunman will ultimately solve the problem with school shootings?  WTF?  These people make the people who wanted teachers to carry firearms look like geniuses.


As I began to dissect this program, I informed my parents of the new formula for Americaís fight against crazy gun toting gunmen in schools.  Now, the following is not meant to be insensitive to those who have suffered a tragedy in their lives resulting from school shootings, but because this program is so ridiculous, I feel like I can actually share my exact thoughts when I read this.


First of all, Iíve seen enough war movies to know that when you plan an attack where you rush an enemy, the front of the line has a better chance of surviving the attack, than the Commish lowering the basketball league fees.  What implications does this have for the rest of the world you may ask me?  Think about it.  I know itís been a while for you old timers, but remember when you went to school, where did all the smart kids, like me, sit?  In the front!  So this school district has no problems putting the future doctors, scientists, and lawyers in harms way.  WellÖThis is Texas weíre talking about so I will amend that previous statement and just say that the world needs its ditch diggers, oil men, and awful presidents just as much as the coveted occupations.


Yet again, I know what you are thinking.  Tical, if they were that smart, wouldnít they be smart enough not to charge a gunman, armed with nothing more than a phonics book and a number two pencil?  No, they wouldnít, because this is Texas, people!  Guns arenít scary to these kids.  Guns are everywhere.  I got a goldfish when I was 10 and my counterpart inTexas got a semi-automatic shotgun with fatigues to match.  These kids are raised to say, ìIn the name of the Father, Son and Holy Glock.î  There is no idiotic fear of guns in Texas like we soft northerners have.  Guns donít kill people. Just ask the NRA or Charlton Heston.  Just a little advice however, if you ask Heston in person, please do not offend him unless you got a vest or are a safe distance out of range of his 9mm. (Bowling for Columbine)


Ok, so once the gunman takes care of the smart kids in the class, who is going to be left?  The dumb kids in the back, who ironically, were bright enough not to attack the proverbial, ìtank with a sword.î  With the smart kids learning the hard way that discretion is the better part of valor, we got the dumb kids left to ponder, ìWhat do we do now?  The instructional video at the beginning of the year showed us that once we rush the gunman, heíd be easy to take down.î  After seeing the smart kids in front of them get mowed down like the beginning of Saving Private Ryan, the dumb kids will hopefully be smart enough to realize that another course of action is needed.  But the situation gets worse.  One of the smart kids got soft, pretended to sprain an ankle like I do when I miss a lay up and didnít rush the gunman.  He realized a way better way to handle the situation.  He think it’s idiotic to hope that the gunman will run out of bullets and forget that he is 10 times stronger than all of the kids left in the class and the 64 yr old English teacher who is just one year away from her pension.  However, just as he is about to explain to the rest of the students his fool proof plan, the dumb kids toss him a beat down for his cowardice.  This is Texas, people!  Send the weak back to New Mexico where they came from.


So now, the only smart kid not dumb enough to get killed figured out the best thing to do is bide time and call the police on one of his classmateís cell phone to get a SWAT team, but he’s unconscious and the class still has a gunman in their classroom.


The brainiac behind this form of school defense, Robin Brown, a major in the British army (go figure) admits that there is a risk of student endangerment, but intelligently reasons, ìHe [the gunman] won’t be able to shoot the fourth, fifth, eighth, twentieth or thirtieth student [that rush the gunman].î  Thatís correct, because once the gunman sees how dumb the administration of the school is to have their students rush an armed assailant, he will lay down his arms in hope that these idiots will serve on his jury and acquit him of killing the first wave of students.


I must admit, I do understand Texasí reasoning behind this course of action.  Today, more and more kids are showing signs that they can handle battle like situations very effectively. Trust me, like always I did my research on this (Google).  Apparently thereís this group calledÖ.I canít make out the name, itís in a funny looking language.  Well, Iíll just sound it out, Al-KayDa, but spelt Al-Qaeda and this other one called, um, Hez, um wow this is a tough read, HezBowla, spelt Hezzebolah.  Maybe youíve heard of them, but it seems that their kids have no problems with such violent adult situations because, just like the soon to be brave first row of students in Texas, they valiantly give up their lives too, but by strapping bombs to their chests.  The value of self-sacrifice has been lost amongst my generation and itís great to see that, finally, Texas is bringing it back just as well as Jordan did with the Wizards.


Again, I wish I was making this article up and Iím sure this will not be the last you hear of this issue.  In all seriousness though, do we really need 50 states?  49 can work.  If people can legally burn the flag, canít us real Americans just get some blue paint and cover a star on our flag?

Can you believe the intellectual icon that we call Mr. President got schooled in this state?


Again, even as big of a clown as I am, I would never poke fun at tragedies, and a school shooting is such, but címon, would any of you ballers out there with kids actually agree to send your kids to a school that teaches the most important thing in your life to, ìtake one for the team,î in this sense?


I hope, for you readers out there, if the song applies to you, (cough), let me clear my throat so I can bellow this oldie outÖìAllllllllll, my exís live in TexasÖî Instead of, ìSo thatís why I moved to Tennesse,î you should be singing, ìSo thatís why I got custody!î


Texas, keep it coming, I need another blog by next week.  Why not just arm your kids when they go to school in the morning?  Nothing bad has ever happened when a kid brought a gun to school, right?


(By the way, if you are from Texas and reading this, no offense.  You canít get mad at me because I said no offense.)


Hook ëem Horns!