Women’s 5v5 Preview

The First Ever!!

Commentary by JBerr

Given that Iíve had the distinct pleasure of a careful viewing of each of these teams (at least the important ones) play, I thought Iíd take a crack at offering a season preview, because damn straight we deserve one. Can I get a loud “TITLE IX!!!” say it again, _______!! — thatís right, this is the first interactive league preview, take that CAC suckers!

1.         Step Off:  To the best of my minimal abilities I’d judge that this is the team to beat. In fact, I am willing to bet a lot of what little money I have on these ferocious femmes. Whispers of their abilities have been echoing off the CAC walls for ages now, and I have no doubt that they will live up to their reputation which so greatly precedes them. While doubters may not believe that MixTape, who strains to average 10pts/game, could wrangle himself a female companion with such superior balling skills, I have seen the wrath of ìTwo Stepî Steph ìTurboîTurin. And seeing is believing, people. Iíve been trying to get this girl on my team for two seasons now, and I donít blame her for turniní me down, she already married a mediocre baller, why would she want to get stuck playiní with one?! To compliment Turbo Turinís inside/out game is Corey ìBaselineî Gallagher, who as we know was born into a family with the basketball gene. Genetically superior, this girl has an edge that will be tough to handle, whose baseline drive will prove to be unstoppable. At the helm of these ladies is a mysterious lil nuisance known only as C. White, a pesky PG with hands quicker than Neoís in the Matrix, who dishes out more dimes than James Earl Jones. Robinson completes this well-oiled machine as an outside sharpshooter who drops treys with style and ease. It will be a challenge for any team to keep pace with these ladies.


2.         CAC Blockers: No one likes a CAC Blocker and that’s because they’re so damn hard to beat. This team is fully loaded with top-notch ballers, including 2 former/current Women’s league MVPs, Caitlin ‘Gripp’ Vestal, who questionably scores more on the court than she does in her free time, and Erin Conroy who sends a shiver up players’ spines at just the mention of her name. Each of these girls alone has the ability to carry a team to victory so coupling them with a handful of other highly credible ballers and you have yourself a powerhouse. Amanda will be helping Conroy to clean up the boards and god bless any player who attempts to go up against them for the ball. Brady will be adding attitude, a flashy handle on the ball, and her lethal 3pointír, while Miriam will be playing gritty D (hopefully not on me), and running around like the madwoman that she is, completely exhausting to defend. No doubt, Fountain will be that quiet player that you canít ignore, I mean really, who can ignore those MOON BOOTS. Sheís got a solid inside/out game that most players arenít expecting and when underestimated, sheís deadly.  Two new faces will also be helping this crew, but if theyíre in cahoots with Vestal, you know how it goes, a friend of hers is NOT a friend of mine, or anyone else for that matter (on the court anyways). With Big Tymers like these itís a wonder the CACs got the shaft, but I gotta go with the facts, and of course my keen and ever omniscient insight.


3.         Pink Ninjas: First off, no one in their right mind messes with a ninja, and these lady ballers are no exception. The Pink Ninjas are decorated with a slew of familiar faces and talents as well as some fresh meat that has already left its mark on this brand new league. There isn’t a weak link on this crew, headed by the crafty Rhiannon Lee, whose rhi-diculous talent at the point will ensure that she gets the ball into the right hands at the right time. And when Rhi-Rhiís on vaca, rookie Glenda ìThe Good Witchî Cancel can easily fill these big shoes, as she proved so in her debut outing. These two combine well at the top and underneath be sure to watch out for Jessica ìJ-Smoothî Morgan whose rookie moves impressed the likes of Big Tymer Vestal and no-namer Berry. Iím betting Morgan will become a common household name on the player-rater, as she already has herself comfortably positioned in the number 3 spot. Not to be overlooked are long time teammates Callie and her sidekick the Little Big Hurt who combine better than peanut butter and jelly. These two are both consistent and effective offensive threats, who arenít above playing rough ní tough D. Top this all off with not twin, but TRIPPLET towers, soaring in at a collective  18 feet are Lombardo, Hurov and Bothelo who each add their own special flair to the forward position. Lombardo is a total beast and will do anything short of stabbing your eyes out to grab a rebound and Hurov and Bothelo each have strong moves and soft inside jumpers to complete the offensive threat that the Pink Nijas Pack


4.         Party Crashers: ‘A party crasher (also known as a gate crasher) is someone who attempts and often gains entry to a party or club to which they were not invited …’ Seriously, were you guys invited to play in this league? Oh, thatís right it’s our pilot season, we couldnít afford to turn anyone away! Obviously, They let me play! All joking aside, these girls are L-E-G-I-T, Legit!! In fact, It was a tough call between giving this team the 3rd or 4th place slot, but the Pink Ninjas guarantee of forfeiting the game when they played my team sealed the deal. Those sandbagginí sonofabitches!! Sorry Crashers! At the helm of this troop is easily one of the best PGs in the league, Colleen McLaughlin. Sheís got X-ray vision, a flawless handle complete with spin moves, and one of the best lay-up finishes Iíve seen in these leagues. She knows how to get the ball to Kellie Baby Shaq Fournier who is sure to be an easy target for offensive momentum and not to mention soars leaps and bounds above most of the girls in this league, howís the air up there Kellie? Other offensive juice can undoubtedly be squeezed from the J-Lady herself Laura Jasinski, whose smooth jumper can do some serious damge. And of course, no Womenís league would be complete without a tall blonde super model who boasts of her love for running and will yell for the refs to call fouls against her! Thatís right, itís Attitude Abby (weíll come up with something better than that!) back in action, with more room to run than ever! Everyoneís afraid of her elbows in the lane, which will be a huge asset as she tosses them around to give Kellie a clean drive to the hoop! And Abby wouldnít be complete without her entourage of Kate BG, Allison and Debra who add desirable zest, entertainment, and charisma to any team!


5.         Vicious Vixens: Last and most certainly least are the Vixens, who in time will have to prove just how vicious they are. Being that I am not the pretentious nor do I have delusions of grandeur, at least not when it comes to basketball, I must base this assessment on my own skills. And since, when I looked deep into my abilities found none that were related to basketball, the choice was easy: dead last. No offense to my other fellow Vixens, as I hope this will only serve to motivate you to prove me wrong. Unfortunately, because I have not yet seen you play, I cannot boast of your abilities, but Iím sure we will have a speedy and confident point guard, a powerful and aggressive forward, a dead ringer shooter and at least one person who will be willing to sit out for a few minutes to give me a chance to foul a few times so I can at least have some marks on my otherwise blank stat line.


Best of luck to everyone this season and congratulations to all for being apart of this groundbreaking experience! Just remember, no matter where I ranked you, we are all winners.