CAC Goes Wild – WWE Style – Part II

Originally Posted
2009-10-14

Without trying to figure out how to start at the number 21 (as Part I features the first 20 names) – I’ve added another 27 names for a total of 47 names from the CAC Personality Files.  Mytro starts it back at number one – but you get the picture as all of the names compiled are in no particular order.

This was not easy and again – some are spot on, some make light of others, and some make no sense at all…just entertaining and having fun while watching the sun set over by the Charles River.

Go to the Message Boards to PM me with any gripes, kudos, or hate mail.  Or as “Lex Lugar” did – email me directly at Genzyme 🙂

Enjoy the second (and hopefully last) installment of the CAC – WWE Style:

  1. Jonah Mytro – Curt “Mr. Perfect” Henning:

When Henning showed up on the WWE scene there were 30-second video montages (called vignettes) of him doing everything under the sun.Baseball with Wade Boggs, swimming, diving, golf, hockey, and bowling the gimmick was that he was perfect at everything and if you thought differently  he would make sure you knew you were wrong.

Mytro is the ‘perfect’ athlete across sports to pull this character off by far:

 

  1. Erin Johnson – Chyna:

Now, now people.This is NOT a reference to the whack job recently seen on ‘The Surreal Life’ but Chyna was the very first woman – and only one to this day – to hold a major championship in the WWE other then the Women’s belt.Sure – dating Harvey may turn her into the raging lunatic we saw on VH1, but back in the day the Women’s belt was beneath Chyna so she went after the men – and won the Intercontinental Championship.Chyna defeated Jeff Jarrett (Josh Smith – a one on one I’d pay to see) in October 1999 only to lose to that puke Jericho (Kahana) with the Intercontinental belt being only second to the Heavyweight title in the 90’s.EJ was the main cog to ‘go both ways’ and in short – EJ is good enough for any league anywhere in the CAC.

 

  1. John Mazzone – Paul Wright – The Big Show:

While Mazz is slightly lighter then the 7-foot, 400-pounder Big Show – it’s more his mark on the leagues that claims him as ‘The Big Show’.His teams are perennially in the mix for the titles and there are not many people that can keep him out of the paint – big or small.Leader of the Pack.Mazzone probably takes this as a dig to his size but Paul Wright is considered one of the best athletes over 7-feet tall and can handle himself quite nicely in the ring – that was until Shaq showed up this season.

 

 

  1. Damien Martin – Eddie Guerrero:

An easy stereotypical parallel as Guerrero was big into family and his gimmick was that of a crafty, resourceful wrestler who would do anything to win a match.Not that Dee is Mexican but he couldn’t be described any better.He’s loyal to the Cleary Club Crew and will go down fighting as one of the better ‘cruiserweights’ the B2 and B1 divisions have to offer.Can he pull off the upset and lead the Club to the title this season?He’s got CC undefeated so far in B2 – stranger things have happened – like Guerrero winning the WWE belt defeating heavily favored Brock Lesnar and then retaining it over Kurt Angle at Wrestlemania XX.Wrestlemania is usually reserved for the big boys, but can Dee pull off the B2 upset too?

 

  1. Terry Henderson ‘ Ravishing Rick Rude:

Henderson must have been miffed from being left out of the original 20 names but I promise – I’m just writing names as I go.Not one semblance of order to this conglomerate.

The Ravishing and Rude one to all comers on the court.Makes no apologies and was last seen in B1 taking swipes at yours truly on various hard picks that he deemed ‘above his talent’.Everyone loved to hate Rude and it was obvious when Rude tried his hand in tag-teams (3-on-3 for example) trying to find the right mix of players or downright turning people off to wrestling with him (Kahana, BFrat, Khalid to name a few).

When focused – Rude/Henderson is the excellence of execution with the Jumpstop or the ‘Rude Awakening’ (Rude’s ‘finisher’ – a DDT) as we should all call it now and he’s the first to tell you it’s not a travel.

 

  1. Sean O’Callaghan – Macho Man Randy Savage

The first gent that came to mind was Randy Orton.Top of the heap, loves the heat – but O’Cal is beloved by too many to be a ‘total’ heel.So I had to rip old school for one of the original CAC-ers and the Macho Man fits the bill cause he had his fans and had his haters.

 

OOOOOHHH YEAH – as O’Cal could very well rock a studded robe with a valet or ten at anytime and get away with it.John Cena would have been the easy selection for O’Cal’s affection for jorts – but Cena can’t wrestle and is a pure entertainer.O’Cal CAN wrestle and wrestle well in the Octagon.There are precious few that could pull off the Macho Man – and pull it off successfully – so it is reserved – like McMahon for Filosa – for one of the best to grace the squared ‘circle’.O’Cal’s been taking applications for his ‘Elizabeth’ for quite some time now.Maybe after he gets that law degree.His motto should be ~ Ladies love me girls adore me, I mean even the ones who never saw me.

 

  1. Chris Maciejczak – Diamond Dallas Page:

Magic has to be one of the youngest oldest bodies in the gym – only the Ravishing One looks older then his looks.Diamond Dallas was in his prime and looked 50 once he hit the top of the heap.I kid – the real reason?It is Majic’s propensity to hit the big three-bee from ANYWHERE.Page made a living of getting thrown around the ring to only catch someone in a reverse neck breaker and yell ‘BANG’ as he snapped off his ‘finisher’.Simply – one of the best �finishers� in the game.In the final minutes ~ everyone is just waiting for Magic to yell-BANG and hold up his two hands in the shape of a diamond (i.e. – the Diamond Cutter).Page has a link to hoops too. He tag teamed with Karl Malone when Hogan was teaming with Dennis Rodman in the WCW days.

 

  1. Billy Fratelli – Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff:

PERFECT link as Orndorff thought the world of himself and no one else.Bleach blond, chiseled, bowling-ball style of wrestling.Another one close to Billy�s style � Greg the Hammer Valentine � but Orndorff was better and if it was not for Hogan in the 80�s �Mr. Wonderful� would have worn the gold many times over.The ladies flocked � but he seemed to be Hogan�s second fiddle � battling Rowdy Roddy Piper after he fired Piper (Tibbs) as his manager and Cowboy Bob Orton keeping Hogan in the main events.No one thought more then themselves then Billy � I mean Orndorff � but the undercards was where for most of his life but truly one of the best to watch.Another ring name was �The Brandon Bull� � so �The Billy Bull� fits in the A+ category for Fratelli in so many ways.Like that would not be his blog title if he had one on the site??

In his last main event at Survivor Series Mr. Wonderful lost to Rick Rude (Henderson) at Survivor Series.I couldn�t make this stuff up.Last seen was in WCW running the show teaching the new pups old tricks of the trade�

  1. Chris Harvey – Hacksaw Jim Duggan:

HI-HOOOOOOOOO � just for the mere fact that Duggan carried around a two-by-four lines up perfectly with Cakes and Sprinkles.Doesn�t anyone see the lack of ease in which Harv lumbers up the court but somehow gets every damn rebound and the fade-away is a killer?Like he is smacking people with 2-by-4�s all night long.

I don�t care that he lost weight Harvey can push with the best of them � just ask Tibbs from last B1 West event.Harvey is trying to break from the mold of Hacksaw � but without a doubt, regardless of the good Duggan or the old, beat up Duggan � everyone cheered loudly, USA USA USA USA.Everyone with a heartbeat roots for Harvey as well. Can�t play the villain � even when teamed with the Ravishing One four-five seasons ago.

 

  1. Adam Biehler – Randy Orton:

I hate to do this to the new kid on the block but Biehler hit the scene like no other and was vaulted into main event status based on one ridiculous season of stat padding on an A1 auto-draft team.What did that get him?Another auto-draft this season.Biehler has expanded out of the one-trick pony A1 show and is on a bunch of CAC teams but no one respects the high-energy, high-flyers antics.Truly a good guy off the court � but passed up this season as a #1 pick by many of his peers.Was on the way to being linked to Bill Goldberg (one dimensional) but is showing his versatility having to put up with X-Pac in A1 this season.

Orton seems to always get the last laugh.Biehler � or should I say �Wisconsin� � will too.Just this past January Orton got into his second altercation with a fan from Wisconsin:

http://bleacherreport.com/articles/112934-randy-orton-gets-into-another-altercation-with-a-fan-at-a-house-show

Also � Biehler enjoys heckling Packer-hat wearing fans at Tommy Doyle�s even when the poor fan is the last man standing from his group of cheeseheads.Just ask him.Orton was pushed to the moon from the very start based on his dad�s accomplishments in the 70s and 80s � and maybe a little early, but still top ten talent.Total heel.

  1. Preston Raymond – Kurt Angle:

Another top-five main-eventer in the past five or so years.Angle came on the scene as the babyface, Olympic Gold champion, and two-time Division 1 champion.Originally Angle stressed the three �Is� � Intensity, Integrity, Intelligence.Sounds like something a fan favorite would stress � ala Hogan in the 80s, but it was perceived as extremely arrogant and Angle has turned into one of the most fantastic heels of his generation.Preston a heel?Say it ain�t so?

But what works for Preston is his ability to needle the opposition while still looking �All-American� as a ref or just hanging out at any league-sponsored function.But he is one of the firsts to throw a forearm to the back for a rebound or a quick jersey-pull for the steal.Not above the rules � but surely knows how to break them.

  1. Serge Gottschalk – Honky Tonk Man:

HAHA � Serge will probably be upset with this one � but despite the gimmick � Honky Tonk Man was one of the annoying characters in the league that always seemed to come out on top.The Honky Tonk held the Intercontinental Championship for the longest tenure of any wrestler � 64 weeks � and that�s about as long as he held the #1 pick in the A1 League.Sure enough � the Ultimate Warrior burst on the scene and beat Honky Tonk in 30 seconds flat � whereas a man labeled �Classy Freddie� came along this year to wrestle away the top spot in A1.

One nugget I was unaware of is Honky Tonk is a cousin to Jerry the King Lawler (read on) and Jimmy �Mouth of the South (also � read on) was his first manager when the Serge turned into a cocky heel.HTM�s original IC Belt win was over Ricky The Dragon Steamboat � another GREAT parrelell as you will see with the next wrestler.

  1. Khalid Lakanwal – Ricky the Dragon Steamboat:

HA!Khalid lost to Serge.That�s too funny unto itself.But I think Khalid would be ok with that to help his buddy Serge out.Ricky �The Dragon� was a high-flyer and is credited with the best match in Wrestlemania history when he faced off against Randy Macho Man Savage (O�Cal) in Wrestlemania III.It was perceived Savage and Steamboat (i.e. � Lakanwal and O�Cal) �showed-up� the veteran big men like Hogan and Andre the Giant with a match that surprisingly still stands the test of time 32 years later:

 

 

Like that isn�t the case day in and day out with Khalid and O�Cal?Showing up everyone in the squared circle that consider themselves �Main Event� material.

  1. Mulholland Brothers – New Age Outlaws:

Had to get the �Lurch Brothers� as Tibbs tries unsuccessfully to mock their games with.Lurch is a stiff bumbling fool.The Mullhollands are one of the best tandems to ever step foot in the CAC and they�ve only been together for about a year now with Brad running a little longer due to an early career wrist injury to Scott.

Why the New Age Outlaws?Billy Gunn and Road Dogg Jesse James were electric and most influential in the early stages of DX with Shawn Michaels, Triple H, and X-Pac, Hall and Nash.But while all of the aforementioned wrestlers went on to win multiple titles and held their own as single wrestlers � Billy Gunn (or Billy Badd Ass in later years) and especially Road Dogg � were only able to gain true success as a tandem.

Now � it�s still early and the charisma of the New Age Outlaws may supersede the Brothers Mull combined but neither Mulholland has proven themselves solo yet but I wouldn�t bet against it.

  1. Chris Coffey – Bill Goldberg:

There were two choices here.Steve Mongo McMichael or Bill Goldberg.Goldberg is widely known whereas McMichael was a former long-time Chicago Bear and wrestled in WCW when WCW was on their way out as a top-notch threat to Vince McMahon�s empire.I chose Goldberg just because of the considerable hype around Goldberg�s original career in WCW.108-0.That was the record Goldberg held before losing to Bret Hart officially in a championship tournament.

While Coffey does not hold a 108-0 record anywhere � he was billed as the savior for Drago in B2 being heralded as �a D1 center, 6�6�� from Northeastern�.Everyone was in awe of Coffey in B2 despite his knee braces from various previous injuries.

McMichael was downright awful as a wrestler even though he was pushed to the moon as a member of the Four Horsemen with Ric Flair and Arn Anderson.At least Goldberg has a career � a very successful one � despite being as raw as raw gets.Goldberg was just a behemoth that WCW used to show off his power.

As Coffey gets his feet wet in other leagues � as a champion in B1 5v5 last season with Kurt Angle (Preston) proved � he could be well on his way to being heckled from the balcony with �COFFEY�COFFEY�COFFEY� as Goldberg chants once filled arenas as well.

  1. Jamil Ball – Ric Flair:

I can�t believe I am handing off the greatest villain of all time to my arch-nemesis.The mere fact that the label �dirtiest player in the game� describes Flair is why I chose JAM BALL to bestow this honor on.

Ric Flair was not the strongest, quickest, or actually the best at anything � other then winning.Flair used every inch of his skill and sweat and tears to get into the winners circle.Ball is surpassing everyone in banners with similar tactics behind the scenes setting teams up time and again to get his name emblazoned on the banners.

Would I put an eye-poke past Jamil?No chance.A nice leg sweep?A dive for the refs?Nothing.The kid is no slouch in the ring either when he wants to dance.Flair is the self-proclaimed 16-time World Champion over three decades of wrestling and I�m not putting it past Jamil to reach that plateau before it�s all said and done.By hook or by crook.As the Guerrero�s used to say:Lie, Cheat, Steal � anything for a championship is Flair (Ball�s) motto.

  1. William Mancortes (*Cuba) – Ernest ‘The Cat’ Miller:

Ernest �The Cat� Miller was and still is more of an actor then a wrestler.Do I need to go further with Cuba�s character within the Walls of the CAC?Miller�s shtick was that of a karate champion (one in real life) and the way Cuba goes to the hoop with his head down and body parts flying � it is very karate-like.

Cuba likes to think no one can stop him � like Miller�s bad-boy persona � but CAC-ers are just trying to clear out of the way so they don�t get hit by a flying shoe.Cuba � Tibbs can set you up with the karate masters of the CAC.The CAC offers everything.

  1. Mike Gerrity – Alex Wright:

Getting down to the nitty gritty and we have none other then purpleprentendo from message board fame � Mike Gerrity.Gerrity’ claim to flame is his smack down of Tibbs in a one-on-one battle in the Octagon.I was unable to find an Alex Wright match defeating Roddy Piper as it would be a major upset � as was Tibbs� terrible showing against Gerrity that was captured on video.

But the reason I chose Alex Wright?Easy � the similar stature, ridiculous hair,and similar WAY over-the-top entrance that Wright chose to ruin his career with.Gerrity is one of the best smack-talkers in the business but does he have the CAC to back it up?Wright was pushed into mini-main event after beating Jean Paul Levesque (Triple H�s former alter ego � maybe Tibbs� should have been Triple H�nahhhh).But the first video is what I envision Gerrity would do if he actually won a championship belt (what he should of done as Tibbs left the gym) if he had his druthers and the second is the actual event of Alex Wright defeating a young Triple H at Starrcade (WCW�s version of Wrestlemania) with both Triple H and Wright being undefeated at the time.The comparison is eerie:

i.Part I: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HLEILNcwuqI&feature=PlayList&p=79EEFDA0891B6119&index=0&playnext=1

ii.Part II: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4YX7zauiEFw

    • Yes � Gerrity deserves the most videos so here is his historic win over Tibbs again:

 

 19. Mike Turin � Jerry �The King� Lawler:

Who better then to represent the �King of Rebounds� Mixtape, Mike Turin?The King was a superstar for two decades and dominated the AWA and NWA in the South before WCW was even a blip in the radar.

Even better?Turin still lives off the fictitious title of �Best Rebounder Ever� tothis day and Lawler is infamous for living off the past � but who isn�t at the CAC??From �breaking� Andy Kaufman�s (Latka from Taxi) neck and putting him on a stretcher, then slapping Latka dead in the face on David Letterman live � second only to the coconut incident with Piper and Snuka in terms on supposedly �being real� and not scripted � to being the top announcer to this very day on RAW on USA – Lawler is still a major part of the wrestling scene as �The King� Turin is at the CAC.  Both still “wrestle” from time to time and King Turin is one of the toughest hombres to ever lace em up.Don�t fade away Turin � just repackage � ask Filosa.We just need to purchase Turin a crown.

  1. Adam Kneeland � I.R.S; Irwin R. Shyster:

With MikeD taking the top spot as the Million Dollar Man � Kneeland is 1A but I.R.S. was no slouch either in terms of �getting paid� or �getting his man� as well.Kneeland is as loud as they come on the floor screaming at anyone and everyone in his path.Kneeland�s life outside the ring as an accountant is the easy mark for IRS which obviously is a play on paying taxes. IRS was a heel and Kneeland has set up the Serenity Now franchise, has been a staple in A1 till recently, and it doesn�t matter if you are Freddie Bermont, Jon Mazzone, or the janitor � if you don�t play defense � AK-47 is yelling at you � just as IRS would scream at �all the tax cheats� in America.

Great nugget � IRS and Ted Dibiase (MikeD) held the tag-team titles three times in their history (aka Money Inc.).While the two never played nice in the sandbox at the CAC on a team � they surely are two of the best characters we have to offer.

Pay What Is Due � Or A.K. Will Audit YOU.

  1. Tom � Jerome Layman � Hardy Boys:

Our second set of brothers with the Mullhollands being the other � but I give the tip of the cap to the Laymans as the Hardy Boys (pre-split) as both Laymans play in the rough and tumble world of the C League.With Filosa texting his cat while reffing � the C League is like ECW as the Wall Ball is like the WWE.

For anyone playing in the C League � it is like Hell in the Cell with no disqualifications.And for the Laymans to make a name for themselves and coming out of the ECW last season with an undefeated championship run from Jerome � well, that tells me they are as hardcore as they want to be.

22.    Ronaldo Vega � Savio Vega:

I�m not searching first then deciding on a character for people. I promise.And you know it holds true here as I remember Savio Vega being one of the more underrated superstars in the WWE and AFTER looking up his bio � his first intro as the Savio Vega character was….saving Razor Ramon (Spinney) after being attacked by Jeff Jarrett and the Roadie (Josh Smith and one of the Mulholland brothers!!).

HAHA!In CAC World – Spinney just recently joined Vega�s �stable� Sixth Sense in B2 5v5 after Vega �saved� Spinney from the clutches of Buff “Frail” Bagwell � and while the first half of the season has not been great � I could not write this stuff any easier. *(note � most factual info is taking from Wikipedia).

Savio was a key cog in Dwayne Johnson�s (The Rock�s) Nation of Domination faction and was an underrated high-energy flyer (rebounder in Vega�s world). Vega can only wish Royce would come save his B2 team�

  1. Chris O�Connell � Jimmy Hart � Mouth of the South:

Quietest, low-key demeanor off the court and the Bitch on Wheels on it! �The Other� O�Donnell is finally back after a season of winning a B2 MVP and then disappearing with a finger nail break for the past three seasons or so. Last time Chris was scene was slumming for the Evil Empire in A2 � which was possibly the last time A2 even had a division up and running � or at Home Depot wondering why he sold his soul to Genzyme.

The beady glasses he pushes up on his nose when he dribbles compliments the Mouth of the South as well and I may even stretch the envelope and give Chris a dead on impersonation with his squeaky high-pitched voice when yelling at (insert ref name here). No one from the NWO is a flopper � but Chris used to be the Manager of these guys � at least the face of the organization � while MikeD funded the entire faction � and easily their biggest complainer. Welcome Back, Jimmy Hart.

  1. Cheese � Road Warrior Animal:

Any better definition for a 40-plus 5�9�� guard who is back after back surgeries and knee surgeries to take A1 by storm last week? He�s an Animal AND a Warrior.Been around too long to team him up with his own version of �Hawk� to form the best tag team to ever step foot in the squared circle � but there is still time on Cheese�s clock to find that perfect tag-team partner to get the rock-solid bowling ball of a competitor back into the winners circle.

  1. Tom Biggins – Bam Bam Bigelow:

All Biggins needs is the tattoo on his head. The hairline is cooperation these days and his semi-rotund figure (I�m the most horizontal guy here � so feel free to pick away) fits the round mound of wrestling rings to a �T�. Bam Bam was super-athletic for a big man and Biggins plays way over his head as a big cog in the Serenity Now franchise. Many have strayed from AK�s stable � but not Biggins.Loyal to the bone just as Bam Bam was to being a face for the crowd.

Bam Bam�s style fit the ECW better and Big Shot Biggins would have it no other way playing balls to the wall every second of every game � no matter the score.

  1. Jay Sartori � Rob Van Dam:

What can I say? The guy is fighting in MMA while most of us are nursing 12-oz Coors Lites at Tommy Doyle�s. He is suplexing and leg sweeping his way locally to wins all around the state while we mow our lawns.  Oh yeah – dude dropped 40 in B1 last night and is older then the Golden Banana.

So why Rob Van Dam? Cause the fans in ECW always referred to himself as �The Whole Fn Show�. Or when he moved to the WWE he called himself, �Mr. Monday Night�.Or � you know what � Jay can call himself whatever he wants even if his reincarnated Mullets team sits at 0-6 in B2. Cause He�s the �Whole Fn Show�.

  1. Chris McMahon � Shawn Michaels:

Maybe I saved the best for last? He shows up whenever he wants � Michaels was involved in getting rid of Bret Hart and calls his own shots anytime and anywhere.Always involved with the best of the best groups � 4v4 or 5v5.Legend has it � the best that ever stepped foot in Wall Ball.

Despite the striking resemblance to Bill Simmons of ESPN � Michaels theme song tells you all you need to know how McMahon is looked upon in the CAC circles:

http://www.tsrocks.com/s/shawn_michaels_texts/sexy_boy.html

Well � there you have it. Other then Freddie Bermont � I captured 47 of the CAC personalities I�ve crossed in the past five years.Yes � September 2004 marked my very first �entrance� through the ring curtain at the CAC before Genzyme was even a blip on Tibbs� ass.I don�t take credit for much � but I will pat myself on the back – ala Barry Horowitz (now, that�s having inane wrestling knowledge).But for the life of me I could not come up with even a joke character for Freddie B. I guess I could of linked Freddie to Doink the Clown or the Brooklyn Brawler for a laugh � but I just couldn�t think of anyone resembling or defining The Lighthouse and his fine career.

From the initial feedback � this was at least entertaining to most and that�s all I was aiming for. Hopefully I killed a few minutes of your day as this was a task that spiraled out of control once I started it. 15 names turned into 30 within a few key strokes.

I didn�t reuse a wrestlers name once but could have given Tibbs the �Triple H� gimmick � but that would be giving him too much credit AND would ruin our five-year long heel vs. heel feud that entertains everyone daily. Here�s to you Rowdy Roddy Piper to see if you can entertain us next.

PS – for most of the fantastic links and embedded photos – Buff Bagwell (Marc Frail) came through in the clutch.  I tried and tried to figure out the photo/link portion of the website but it may just not work in FireFox or Frail is just smarter then me.  Surely he is more Buff…thanks, M3.