CAC Staff Infection

One of my colleagues (who shall remain nameless) received a threatening email from the CAC powers explaining that the lack of recent blogs could result in her (whoops) blogspot being blown-up. My immediate thought was that this couldnít possibly happen to me because my body of work speaks for itself. I mean, the board of directors of the Louvre doesnít hold regular meetings about whether to take down the Mona Lisa just because DaVinci hasnít painted anything lately, do they? But maybe the de-facing of my blog picture was my horse head in the sheets, so hereís some quick highlights from last nightís pre-season CAC staff meeting. And special note to the Sergeon – post a blog quick before you suffer the same fate, even if itís just a list of things in your apartment. And if you already keep such a list, please be sure to update it by removing JRod. And Hallie.

 

“Donít worry, thereíll be plenty of food there.” – Commish

Before the meeting, I was assured that there was no need to eat dinner because the food and drink would be flowing like the Missouri. At the very least, I expected the 6 pizzas that mysteriously never made it to the last staff meeting to be there. When I arrived, I was greeted by a very long Chippendale table filled with a bunch of people I didn’t recognize and not a morsel of food was found. There were plenty of napkins, forks and knives though, you know, just in case you wanted to gouge your eyes out while trying to follow Tibbs’ logic pattern. And then clean-up the mess with the napkins.

 

“I’m Back!” – Wolverine

Yes, after a 2 year hiatus, I am back in the A1 draft. But despite Tibbs’ expert draft preview, I am not a 1st round pick – unless you have the ability to reverse the rotation of the earth. I may be a 1st round pick right now if this was a squash or blog league, but I haven’t played basketball regularly in over 2 years. I also reserve the right to sit-out the season if I get drafted by certain captains, so that should sink my draft status even further.

 

“Out with the old, in with the new!” – Ceddy the Reffing Teddy (a/k/a TO)

Right after my announcement, Ceddy had the floor and was rambling on about something I couldnít quite follow (pretty much the theme for the entire night). Anyway, I began to drift off when I heard him say the above quote, to which I took immediate offense. Sure, the pomp has lost some of its circumstance, but I still get confused for the Vitruvian Man on a weekly basis. Thanks for that one, JBerr.

 

“Bottom line – just donít be a d-bag” – O’Cal

For those of you who missed O’cal’s soliloquy on how not to suck as a CAC staffer, it was a thing of beauty. I was seriously on the verge of tears. He perfectly summarized the issues that have plagued us a staff ever since the league’s expansion and inevitable infusion of new blood. Simple “same-team” concepts really, like don’t call out the refs in your write-ups, don’t constantly complain to the refs if you happen to be playing in the game, and don’t argue with the refs when you are scorekeeping. You know, pretty much everything the Jumpman does.

 

“Listen-up, guys. This one is important!” – DMac

This is how DMac started every single statement he made. And when DMac speaks, people listen. I even saw the waitress stop in her tracks as if DMac was about to disclose the cure for the CAC scoreboard. There is no doubt that DMac is the staffís true spokesman and we would all probably have quit without his leadership. And I am pretty sure Tibbs is scared to death of him, so that helps us tremendously.

 

“That was where the feud all started.” ñ Tibbs

I never thought of it this way, but I guess it was that fateful night of CAC legend Ramonís bachelor party where the Tibbs/Wolverine feud officially started. Looking back, I guess I felt a threat to my power and reacted accordingly. I am still not sure why Tibbs waited in the cab while the cabbie chased me around Kendall Square, but while he lost that battle, he won the war. For a full recap of this extraordinary event, please see the Fake Jugs section of my “Tricked and Mistreated” blog circa October 2007. Or the Cambridge police blog around the same time.

 

“It was the only seat left.” ñ Jberr

JBerr responded with this gem of a lie when I pressed her as to why she sat right next to Tibbs during the entire meeting. Caitlyn apparently got the “I am dating the Prez, so I don’t have to go to this stupid meeting like the rest of you schmucks” pass, so JBerr moved right into the meeting’s power seat, which everyone knows is right next to the boss. Apparently, referee power just doesn’t do it for her anymore. It’s only a matter of time until CAC has its first ever female president.

 

“We can give out Tommy points!” – Unknown staff member who looks like Gerrity with a shaved head.

For those of you who don’t know, Tommy Doyle’s in Kendall Square will be our official sponsor this season. Every night after games they are going to have some sort of special, like $1 drafts or 25 cent wings for all CAC players. We were discussing how to publicize this fantastic partnership to the CAC players, and this guy out of nowhere comes up with “we can hand out Tommy points in the write-ups.” I think it was the only thing he said all night, but it was genius. See, this is exactly what we need from the new staff members – less talk and more action. Welcome Craigslist killer, correctional facility version!

 

“The three Cís are important – consistency, conduct and, uhh…” – BFab

Speaking of less talk and more action, BFab brought up more less credible points than Michael Vick at a PETA conference. This is the problem when you have corporate representation on the staff as they have to be tolerated because they have all the money. We should get one of those Koosh balls for these meetings and implement a rule that you can only talk if you are grabbing your Koosh. If you are as immature as I am, you just giggled.

 

“Did he pick-up the 1998 version of Kevin Scott?”- PStone

O’Cal was telling us that DMac added CAC legend Kevin Scott to his B1 team next season, to which Preston threw out this line, which to me was the line of the night. For those of you who don’t know Kevin Scott, his aliases include “KevyKev74”, “Back Ice” and “The Barking Crab.” But he is probably as old as I am, so his skills may have diminished since any of his personas were last seen at the CAC. Pimpin’ ain’t easy!

 

Turin – 2nd greatest rebounder in CAC history.